AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

[dadtosomekids]

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

@dadtosomekids But then she expects me to rarely take time off at weekends too. If I say I am going to watch some football (again, rarely, because I don’t like her reaction) she’ll remind me that I’m a dad, ask what time I’ll be home, act like she’s heroically managed the kids alone all day when I do come home…

this is controlling behaviour. It’s unacceptable

insisting on establishing a system will help you set the boundaries. Tell her that you agreed to 1 kid, absolute max of 2 and your position hasn’t changed and won’t. Get that info out of the way asap, the next step is to reiterate what you’ve said and maintain the boundaries. Eventually she will give up.

how old are you both?

I also absolutely hated her manipulation with the “the worst thing you could do is send an email by mistake, I could burn the kids” thing.

id have lost my mind at that. Ok I’m sensitive because I DID accidentally burn my child, so I know the horror of this. Shes not a very nice person at all.

you need to be firm here. Seriously. Call out this manipulative bullshit.

Classic case of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. The horse bolted when she decided she wanted 3 or 4 children, you decided you really only wanted one and, presumably you both thought you could change the other's mind. That's not how life works. Children deserve to be wanted and loved. Don't have any more children.

BTW your last post about her checking on how you or her mother cares for the children when she's not there sounds like control-freakery aka being a pain in the arse.

What evidence do you have for suggesting that OP ‘checks out’ when he is with his DC and that’s why his DE checks up on him? He has said she checks up on her own mother (when she does child care) the same way.

I see no basis for saying OP does not parent the children he’s got. He is the one who gets up with them early in the morning. He does 50-50 care evenings and weekends. The family’s arrangement wherein he is away from home earning money from 8.00-18.00 five days a week while DW is a SAHM seems largely to be her choice. It doesn’t mean he isn’t parenting.

t feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted

I think, you're shirking your responsibility for your own choices a bit. You knew what she wanted and you made a free choice to go with it. You have to make that choice again now, you cannot make a choice to have more kids but not take on responsibility for them, they will be your responsibility just as much as they are hers. If you don't want that (which is perfectly reasonable) then you don't have more kids, and if that means she leaves, then that's up to her.
Own your decisions, take responsibility for them and don't bring children into this world that you don't want to care for.

I think what’s potentially unreasonable is looking at it from the kids perspective - he’s out 8am - 6pm Mon - Fri. Doesn’t want to share childcare 50:50 outside of that - will the kids see that as: he’s home for an hour before they go to bed and he doesn’t want to spend time with them. Then on a Saturday he wants time off for the football and the pub. So maybe Sunday he spends some time with them - but on his childcare (less than 50%) terms.

I fully agree no more kids if they both don’t want them. And the wife (we only have his side) isn’t coming off well by threatening to leave if he doesn’t agree to more 😬😬😬. But the kids they do have are people who are caught in the middle of this and in time may feel unwanted by a dad who is opting out.

In your situation I would book a vasectomy. You are lucky enough to have that control over your reproductive system that your wife doesn't have.

If you aren't wearing protection EVERY time you are intimate then the chances are high that she will end up pregnant and it will be your fault even though you didn't want more children.

I'm a woman and have two kids. I wouldn't have any more but my husband definitely would so opposite situation to you.

i always said I wanted 3-4 kids. My husband said he really wanted 2 but we could come back to it for a discussion once we saw how it would be. Turns out it took us years to have our daughter and then our son and I was left with some life changing issues from childbirth. By the time we went through all that, I was grateful for the two children we both definitely wanted and content with what we were lucky enough to have.

all this to say that these conversations aren’t set in stone and you should both have the ability to reassess. Like you say, the reality of parenting isn’t always what you imagine and it sounds like you both find it pretty difficult. It’s pretty concerning that she can never loosen up about it and hates being away from her kids to that extent as well so I’d be worried about what it would look like as time goes on.

The problem is that once you agree to children, you have them and you have no choice but to step up. It can’t be transactional - particularly as you have no idea what it could be like with 3, 4, etc. You might have a child with additional needs, your wife might have PPD, any other sort of family difficulty could happen. So you have to both be in it and committed to the family you’re creating. It’s fair to say ‘this is me and this is what I can give’ and I’d hope she values you enough to respect that. But you can’t be a conditional parent and opt in and out using a maths equation.

(I’d honestly stop answering her hovering texts when you take the kids out. Just say all is fine and I’m going to focus on the kids now. That’s super controlling behaviour)

There is always a chance that a child could be born with additional needs and present more of a parenting demand than your existing two - if you are struggling to cope now, how would that effect the dynamic?

If you don’t want more children, don’t have them. However for any hours you’re not at work it should be 50:50. If you have a child free afternoon one weekend, your wife is entitled to the same. Parents don’t get time off!

You say no to more children. You were honest from the start, so was she but she's thinking that she can talk you round/'accidentally' get pregnant, when she says that she will get her own way. And the guilt tripping that her job as a SAHM is more difficult and more dangerous than yours is to my mind manipulation. Not pouring boiling water over a child is a basic tenet of parenting, not something that deserves an award.

I'm not even sure she honestly sees you as a husband. It sounds more like she wants a sperm donor and somebody to share the parenting load 50/50 for the children she so desperately wants. Even though when you do care for the children she has to micromanage you without accepting that you are an equal parent. So she wants it equal when it suits her but not when it doesn't.

I know you say you love her and you love the children you have, but any more and the resentment you'll feel will eventually erode that love and then everyone, including the children, will suffer.

Say no and mean it. If she leaves you that's on her. It shows you where you are in her priorities, which is not very high by the sound of it.

Really good advice.

Sigh.

"OP (the husband) wants her (his wife) to have equal downtime, presumably to do what she (his wife) wants."

While I agree with your overall point, it really is very easy for guys to actually just make sure they ARE wearing protection every time.

^^This. You dont owe it to her to have more children but it's your job to act to prevent pregnancy and to be a proper engaged father to the ones you have, however many that may be.

Even if your wife agreed to your scheme there's no reasonable way of enforcing it. What happens if she gets PND or develops an illness that means she can't manage the children - are you just going to stand there saying "not my problem? What happens if you lose your job or cant work full time any more? You are supposed to be a team and life does not always work out the way you expect.

You know what, I just made a comment that op should make sure she gets time to herself too. He can "offer" but only he knows if its something the wife actually wants to do, perhaps she could do with more of a "get yourself a bath love ill sort the kids out", or i dunno, whatever he thinks.

Im frankly baffled people are arguing back against that comment but ill assume its because my post was only 99% in complete support of op.

The way that worked for us is that whoever was not working for money would get up at night. And weekends are always shared, assuming no paid work at weekends. Basically the person bringing home the bacon has protected nights on working days. But don't forget that kids are pretty self sufficient by about 7 so there's not quite the same early morning drama. You don't have to have more if you don't want them.

Out of interest, how did you simultaneously 'go along with her' because you love her, and make it clear your absolute limit was two children? Did you 'go along with her' knowing you would roll back on it? You shouldn't have kids you don't want but that would be a dick move if that's what you've done. And not unheard of either.

Yeah 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe it is. But my comment was in response to the - she only spends her money on coffees and clothes point. Hard to know what’s ‘fair’ I’d generally think it’s fair to live as a unit financially if you’re married with kids. That said it doesn’t sound like money is stretched here though…

And going to get your nails done isn't a 'break'.

Sorry i dont agree. If the mum is sahm and so keen on having more children she should be happy to do more of the childminding when husband home unless he has a relaxed job. I was a sahm for 4 years and you do get some periods of sitting in the sunshine with friends in the park or having coffee on playdates while your children play with friends' children. You sound like a great dad op, doing your share. I wanted a third child but the thought of making my husband do the extra stuff a new baby entails when he already did so much made me realise i was being selfish so we were happy with our two children.

I think if you agreed to have children, then you do 50:50 with your wife. Did she know you weren’t that fussed about having them?
Unless you made it abundantly clear to her before having children that you didn’t want to share the load, and told her you expected to do more child care, then I don’t think you have a right to expect her to do more.
I say this thinking of a good friend of mine. She has three kids aged between 3-12. She does EVERYTHING for/with them. Her husband never wanted kids but he knew it was her dream so was honest with her from the start and said he’d have kids with her but the legwork was on her. She agreed. Apparently he never did a bottle or changed their nappies as babies, has never taken them to football or swimming. She says she is fine with this as she knew it was the deal all along.

Sorry op i was replying to another reply...I agree with you.

I think this would be a good one to take to a marriage guidance counsellor because neither of you are right or wrong: you've got conflicting priorities.

You shouldn’t have any more children than you want. It is really really wrong for you to bring children into this world that you don’t want. And I seriously doubt that your marriage would survive it.

I have seen plenty of marriages fail after the 3rd child because 1 of the couple didn’t actually want the 3rd child in the first place and once they are here, that 3rd child is what pushes the marriage to breaking point.

I wonder if he would see sitting in a park watching two children as some kind of leisure time. Somehow I doubt many on here would see it as down time for any man. Different standards, as per.