Partners selfish schedule or me being a princes

[MyGentleOliveUser]

Ok so DP and me have been arguing for at least 3 months about his schedule. He’s got numerous hobbies and is always taking up new hobbies without any consideration for his family or me.

ive told him I need at least some time together as a couple that’s not just watching Netflix when he finishes his activities for the day or sex.

This ends in rows about how he wants to live his life, he lives with me so time is spent eating together, sleeping together…

he’s got 3 main hobbies, and has just picked up a fourth. There’s not one day he’s not doing anything hobby related.

I do yoga at 6am on Mondays and thursdays so I’m back in time for school run and then work. I go running on Saturday evenings (if he’s not decided he’s doing something else). I see my friends regularly. I’m not exactly just sitting waiting around for him.

He’s recently decided he’s rejoining a rugby club. I’ve asked how he’s going to fit this in with his other hobbies, he said he’ll make it work.

What he’s done this week:

Monday: did running club until 8pm. Came back, played on his video games until 11pm

Tuesday: did climbing at local depot with his brother until 10pm

Wednesday: Rugby “training” 7-9pm. Back home around 10 after going for a drink. Back on video games until midnight

Thursday: Arranged to go to a VR simulation experience with his brother and friends. Back home around 1am.

Friday: watched a movie alone in his gaming room. Reluctantly watched a movie with me. Brother came over for 3 hours and they sit and chatted in the kitchen.

todays our first day in 12 months that it’s just us 2, DS (7) has gone with my brother and his wife and kids to an adventure place in the midlands. They left around 9 and (all being well and if he wants to still do this) DS is sleeping over at their house.

DP said he was going to “plan a day for us”. Well I get up, get ready and come down to see him putting on his climbing gear. Ask where he’s going, said he’s going to the open climb for advanced climbers this morning. I asked him why he said he wasn’t going yesterday and he said he needed to go today as there’s a coach (does climbing have coaches?) there who’s really good and it’ll help him a lot. I ask what time he’s back. Says he doesn’t know, but “before 230”.

Tomorrow he’s out 8-2 again because he’s going to do a hike with his running club.

im exhausted trying to make this work. Maybe we’re not compatible? I honestly feel at times he’s making my life worse because his activities means he’s usually getting into bed 12/1/2 and it’s affecting my sleep. Obviously he also wants sex during these hours but I don’t feel the closeness to even enjoy that with him. I honestly feel like a handmaiden waiting for his schedule and honestly his attention.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

Your son is watching his father and learning how to be an adult man, is this how you want your Son to be as an adult ? If not get rid of this useless influence.

“The divorce came out of nowhere”. He has a deep rooted belief, as does his brother, that you are “her indoors, a nag, the old ball and chain” and quality time spent with you is to shut you up or get sex. I would insist on couples counselling but hey, how’s he going to fit that into his schedule?

What a rubbish husband and father he is. He doesn't spend any time with either of you.

What would kicking him out look like? Can you afford to keep the house going?

Actions or lack thereof count. So it was supposed to be a day he organised for you both so you were all excited. Nah he's off doing his own thing. If he's home by 2.30 what then?

If he doesn't want a relationship and to spend time with you so be it. He doesn't get a live in maid and sex. He can go and be a true single man.

He and his brother sound really immature.

Just leave, or change the locks when he's out. Pack his bags, leave them outside with a note saying, "This isn't a Air BnB for a quick legover between lifestyle activities. This is a family home. Please find elsewhere to live out your lifestyle because it is not compatible or appropriate for mine and my child's. I am sure your equally 'lifestyled' brother can take you in. I need a man who is present for more than a boring, 5 minute shag."

Leave it at that and block him so he cannot contact you. Let him know contact with his son will now be through the courts so he can formally and legally be told what the appropriate amount of time to spend with your own child should be.

Let it be a 'Fuck around and find out' situation for him.

He is literally a cocklodger, at this point. Don't enable him to continue.

Your poor child.

Sorry, there’s no nice way to say this.
Your DH is just not that into you.
He is living his life as a single person who just happens to have a wife & child.
This is no way for either of you to live your lives.
I think separation & divorce is the only answer. You will both be happier.
Maybe get some legal advice before explaining to your DH that you appreciate he has a different idea of married life to yourself.
The only possible alternative would to be upset & frustrated for the next thirty years until he becomes too old for sport. Even then he would probably do something else to get him out of the house.
You & DC deserve more.

Unacceptable. Just unacceptable. Your poor kid as well with a dad who has checked out completely. What a prick of a man.

Why are you with this man? What positives does he being to your life?

His not being present and doing his own thing all the time reminds me of that day in the life piece on gregg wallace. I really hope you're not married to Gregg Wallace OP!
Anyway, there simply isn't evidence of him devoting any time to being a decent dad and husband. I would have serious thoughts about staying in this relationship.
Edit spelling

I also agree that he is spending too much time on his hobbies...but, what is the alternative that you'd like him to do?

When you say together time or family time, what is it that you mean? Do you want to do anything in particular or is it that you just want him to be indoors? Because if it's the latter he's going to feel that it's wasted time just sitting indoors, when he could be doing something else.

There's doing hobbies then there is your partner!

He's royally taking the biscuit it sounds like you've hit capacity for his selfish behaviour. In your shoes it would be straight up ultimatum time. 3-4 things a week max (including social trips etc) and start being a father or you walk.

How old is he OP? It sounds like hes still a bloody teenager ! I think today to go out with your Sis make a day of it, come back late. Dont do Supper ,just eat out .Also let him know your plans for NW, which include a solo trip to a castle or stately home and a night in a Travelodge if you can .He sounds like a mate youre staying with TBH! Also be too "tired" for sex or feel a migraine coming on!I think long term to consider your options ,what about if you wanted another child? would you then be a babysitter for a 7 yr old and a new baby?

You just don't seem compatible anymore. He seems to want to live like a single man - so let him. Tell him that you will be splitting up, and that he will be taking his share of the parenting. He won't be able to fit in as many hobbies then anyway! He either needs to tone things down and just do a couple of things (to match with how much time you get to yourself), or it's over.

And the video gaming until late at night needs to stop if he's not seen you all day, too. It's okay to have a few hours playing at a weekend when you've had family time all day, or perhaps if you've enjoyed a day off together - but coming straight home from a hobby and immediately gaming is not acceptable.

Theres absolutely no way id put up with this. It needs to be 50/50 parenting so he spends quality time with child and you also get a break. He can be out for a long as he wants on his nights off but he cant continue being incredibly selfish doing what he wants 7 days a week! His brother sounds like a bad influence aswell I would also be putting boundaries in place with that.

He's a selfish, arrogant twat of a child-man. It sounds like he has and wants no responsibility other than for his own activities.
Bin him, you're too good for that life which in all honesty will probably get even worse for you.

I wonder if the penny has finally dropped for OP.

It certainly isn't how I'd want to live. I'm all for having your own interests and still doing your own thing but what's the point of being with someone who actively chooses seemingly anything over spending time with you? It sounds fucking miserable.

So when is he doing any parenting ?

@MyGentleOliveUser he hasn’t organised anything . He said he would then pissed off and left you home alone .
Then you say he will have the cheek to be annoyed ! About what ? U waiting ok to Greta the long and his arrival .
He’s treating you like a mug.
End it and out yourself first like he does .

That's not a relationship. I'd be bailing out for someone who wants to share time with me..

@MyGentleOliveUser "I’ve overheard phone calls where he’s said along the lines of, just come on the game she’s not your mum, why can’t she drive herself to the doctors, you’re allowed downtime."

This is how they've been raised. It's ingrained misogyny and it ain't going to change. It will also influence your son's attitude to women. You're little more than a housekeeper with benefits and your DH is taking the piss to the absolute limit. He should move in with his brother - that's not a throw away comment. Please find your dignity and for the sake of your son end this pantomine of a relationship before you get too much older and thoroughly worn down.

Exactly. Does he even like you? He spends his time avoiding doing anything with you.
Unless he wants sex, of course.

Do you have anything in common apart from your address and your son? It sounds like you are both way down in his priorities which is sad. You and your son deserve better. He’ll regret it one day.

I could not live my life with a man.like this.. its selfish beyond words.
He has children and a wife he doesn't get to put you on the sidelines.
Sadly I don't think he will change.
Go out with your sister don't even think about his feelings he does not think if yours.
You need to make a big stand on this or get out .. he will then be made to care for his children shared care.