Partners selfish schedule or me being a princes

[MyGentleOliveUser]

Ok so DP and me have been arguing for at least 3 months about his schedule. He’s got numerous hobbies and is always taking up new hobbies without any consideration for his family or me.

ive told him I need at least some time together as a couple that’s not just watching Netflix when he finishes his activities for the day or sex.

This ends in rows about how he wants to live his life, he lives with me so time is spent eating together, sleeping together…

he’s got 3 main hobbies, and has just picked up a fourth. There’s not one day he’s not doing anything hobby related.

I do yoga at 6am on Mondays and thursdays so I’m back in time for school run and then work. I go running on Saturday evenings (if he’s not decided he’s doing something else). I see my friends regularly. I’m not exactly just sitting waiting around for him.

He’s recently decided he’s rejoining a rugby club. I’ve asked how he’s going to fit this in with his other hobbies, he said he’ll make it work.

What he’s done this week:

Monday: did running club until 8pm. Came back, played on his video games until 11pm

Tuesday: did climbing at local depot with his brother until 10pm

Wednesday: Rugby “training” 7-9pm. Back home around 10 after going for a drink. Back on video games until midnight

Thursday: Arranged to go to a VR simulation experience with his brother and friends. Back home around 1am.

Friday: watched a movie alone in his gaming room. Reluctantly watched a movie with me. Brother came over for 3 hours and they sit and chatted in the kitchen.

todays our first day in 12 months that it’s just us 2, DS (7) has gone with my brother and his wife and kids to an adventure place in the midlands. They left around 9 and (all being well and if he wants to still do this) DS is sleeping over at their house.

DP said he was going to “plan a day for us”. Well I get up, get ready and come down to see him putting on his climbing gear. Ask where he’s going, said he’s going to the open climb for advanced climbers this morning. I asked him why he said he wasn’t going yesterday and he said he needed to go today as there’s a coach (does climbing have coaches?) there who’s really good and it’ll help him a lot. I ask what time he’s back. Says he doesn’t know, but “before 230”.

Tomorrow he’s out 8-2 again because he’s going to do a hike with his running club.

im exhausted trying to make this work. Maybe we’re not compatible? I honestly feel at times he’s making my life worse because his activities means he’s usually getting into bed 12/1/2 and it’s affecting my sleep. Obviously he also wants sex during these hours but I don’t feel the closeness to even enjoy that with him. I honestly feel like a handmaiden waiting for his schedule and honestly his attention.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

This isn't a relationship darling. He is nothing more than a cocklodger.
I couldn't live with someone so selfish and self absorbed. You deserve more OP. A full day / night to yourselves and he chose to do something with someone else. That would tell me all I needed to know. His schedule sounds like my 20yr olds - and he is single with no children.

Oh this is giving me flashbacks 😥

OP I know this too well. And you don't want to end it because it'll give him what he seems to want, so his bad behaviour will be rewarded. You could go 50/50 in the event of a split but then you'll think you're using your child as a weapon to punish him. It feels impossible.

The sad truth is, he could actually just leave anyway. You've got a selfish, selfish, immature prick of a boyfriend and it feels like there's no solution. At least if you left/threw him out her have to do his own cooking/cleaning/laundry for a while.

so, op, did you go for coffee and blow him off, as you should?
or did you wait around for him to come back and then... what?

He’s a selfish prick who wants to live life as a single man but get dinner on the table and regular sex.

I would be gone

When my DH talks about when he & his XW were married, he worked 80+ hours pw & then played rugby which involved him in practice sessions at least twice a week, he did triathlon so went for a run every day & often a cycle & swim every day. They had 3 children. She didn't work outside of the house, but would help out in the business regularly-I'm talking that she would do the books & ordering & also did the bulk of the childcare & household stuff. I've commented that it's no wonder that she finally left him as his business & sports obviously took priority, he recognises this & is now has learned to be a better partner.

He was a chef & now retired while I still work. He does all the cooking & 80% of the housework.

Why would you want to fight to be with him? He clearly has no interest in being part of your family. You will be so much happier without him, you are already doing it alone. What a prick.

Zero mention of your child. He’s a shit dad. Does your son do any activities? I’ve heard about yours and his but no mention of your son doing anything fun or having any hobbies?
My husband would rather be with his sons, watching them play football and rugby every single day of the week.

He sounds like a great dad ...

Honestly your life would be much less stressful without him. He’s never grown up and sounds like it runs in the family. Imagine your day/week without him in it then make your decision. He won’t change btw.

I clicked you are being unreasonable by mistake 😢
I would absolutely not put up with any of this shit. Get him in the bin. How will your life be any worse without him in it?

I just feel so incredibly sad reading this......
What an awful situation to be in
I would feel so incredibly unloved
He seems very selfish and immature with all the gaming and hobbies too
Your poor son too
Its not normal behaviour in a loving relationship
Im not convinced he will change but you could try some relationship counselling before calling it a day

How believably selfish. Men like this boil my piss. I divorced my exDH because of stuff like this. He went to the gym twice a day! Before and after work. Leaving me to get the kids up and dressed and off to school. In the evenings I would have to pick them up from after school club, feed them and clean up. If he came home while I was bathing them and saw some mess in the kitchen he would ignore it. I’d ask if he could tidy up the kids dinner stuff (as I was doing the bathtime) and he would shrug and say no as it wasn’t his mess!!!

I did point out numerous times that twice a day at the gym and leaving all this to me this was unfair, but he would say things like the gym didn’t count as leisure time as he didn’t enjoy going. He only went to maintain his health and me trying to curb his gym time was akin to me wishing he would die young!!!! Even asking “do you want me to die young?!”

He also played football one evening a week. Lifted weights at home (no one allowed in the bedroom while he was doing this. If I entered I would be barked at to get out and stop interrupting him!). He would also see friends every other weekend. But unlike me (if I went out it was at 8pm after the kids had gone to bed and I would be home at 11.30 so I could get a decent sleep, knowing it would be me who did the Sunday morning get up while he had a lie in) But when he went out this would involve him leaving the house at 5pm (so no support making the kids’ dinner, clearing up, bathing them or putting them to bed). And he would get home at 1am, stinking of booze and waking me up. Then he would need a lie in on Sunday until 11am. Then he would shuffle about in the dressing gown of doom for a bit making ufffftt noises, before running himself a bath and locking himself in the bathroom (our only toilet in the house) for an hour and a half and then getting v cross should any one of us need to come in and use the loo! He also liked to watch his footie team on TV at the weekend and would insist no one came into the lounge to disturb him during this time.

It was all his time to do with as he wished, and often blocking rooms in our house from use by anyone else as he got very shitty about being disturbed.

I was so angry at him all the time the very last thing I wanted was sex. But he couldn’t see why his behaviour made me not want to be near him. His selfishness gave me the ick! He would complain regularly that we didn’t have enough sex and insisted we aim for a minimum of once a week (and that was him being generous apparently as really it ought to have been more!!!!)

I had enough. I left. He suggested counselling but I was fucking done by then.

Your DP sounds on about the same level as mine was. I don’t know if he does much parenting (where would he have time for that?!) but he sounds incredibly selfish. Women are just there to facilitate these men to enjoy their best life. Any parenting or family time is seen as a favour to us. A sign of what a great guy they are! Our relationship became completely transactional. If I wanted time for myself he said all I needed to do was book it in with him!! But I wanted down time when I needed it (not pre booked around his schedule!), flexibility, to be a team, to have a voice.

Funny that when we split up and he got his own house and now we share the DC 50:50 he complains about being run ragged (now that he’s doing half of everything). I, on the other hand, find myself with so much more time on my hands! How funny that to him 50% of the labour is being run ragged and yet the same 50% feels, to me, like a luxury! A sign of just how little he did. I should say he also has a cleaner and child care once a week from his parents. And he’s still “run ragged”!

These men are like teenagers who refuse to grow up. They want a housemaid but also sexy partner on tap. They want to hang with their mates, take up all these hobbies, be active and sociable and live their best life and have sex when the want, but all the time there is a woman behind them propping this life up because they get to come home to a clean house, food in the fridge, a cared for child/ren and they swan in and out and occasionally throw some crumbs to evidence they’re a great partner/dad.

They need to fucking grow up and take responsibility. And now I am riled up and ranting because writing this has reminded me of the life I had!!!

My advice: Bin!!!!

This man clearly prefers the single life, in the words of Jean Luc Picard “ make it so “.

I’m really shocked that you even thought you were being a princess. He’s majorly gaslighting you and it’s just a really horrible situation for you and your son you’d be better off without him.

Book a night or weekend away and let him parent and run the home without you. He’ll get a reality check but I don’t even think he’s worth that, this is not a man he’s a child.

Why is OP with someone who doesn't like her? It doesn't sound like her partner wants to spend time with her or their son. His brother sounds like an absolute misogynistic d*ck and is a terrible influence on her partner. If it's OP's house, I recommend kicking him out, if not, make an exit plan and start saving to get out ASAP. Agree with others, stop doing anything for him and make sure you cannot get pregnant again with this poor excuse for a human.

I would keep a note of how much ‘you’ time you have (without your son) and how much ‘him’ time he has as well as ‘together time’ and present it to him. Make him see it. Explain it all to him, if no improvement after this I would consider leaving.

He is being a rubbish partner and a rubbish dad to be honest and you both deserve someone who is not selfish!!

Is it possible he is maybe having an affair also?

Sorry but when is he doing any parenting? He’s acting like a single man in his 20s not a dad.

You can’t make it work with someone who is never there OP. I’d be considering splitting tbh. I couldn’t live feeling so abandoned and unwanted let alone also basically solo parenting. And would I fuck be ok with him coming for sex at 1am after gaming all night… you’re not just a hole and a nanny/housekeeper.

YANBU. He sounds very selfish.

‘Obviously he wants sex during these hours’ made my toes curl OP. Please god don’t tell me you’re lying there awake just waiting for him. Go to sleep and tell him to piss right off.

What do you mean he will organise days like today??? He’s fucked off ti a hobby!! Text him I thought you were planning a day but you really cannot ever prioritise us for a day, so I’ve gone out. Back later, maybe.

then plan to separate. If he wants to see his kids he will have to parent them. I could not ever have sex with this man again.

Sounds like you're better off without him tbh.

I can’t see how unless there’s a photo on the wall somewhere. Of him halfway up a mountain, taken by a mate.

if he ever does want contact with his child once you’ve dumped him, tell him he has to start at an hour or two max until your child is comfortable with him, he knows in theory you’re his dad but you’ve never done any dad things with him so he doesn’t really get it.

At the end of the day only you can decide how much you tolerate, but beware, it's a slippery slope. My ex-husband was the same when our boys were little. It comes down to sheer selfishness. By the end it wasn't only hobbies, but also a couple of holidays a year with mates. An affair made me finally show him the door, but many friends who didn't know this at first, thought I had simply had enough. A serious talk is necessary, unless you want to be on the sidelines for the rest of your life together. My current partner of 11 years and I have separate hobbies, which is healthy, but time together is prioritised.

He’s not that into you. What an arse. Chuck him back

Ask your husband if he could choose one of his hobbies for you to join.
Ask him also to take your DS along for one day each weekend.
Has he taken DS to rugby? Has he taken DS to Mini Athletics?
Suggest that he does and that he coaches his son's team.

The gaming is so juvenille.
Talk about that and also about how disrespectful his brother is towards women.

I don't know what you can do; he is grim.