Partners selfish schedule or me being a princes

[MyGentleOliveUser]

Ok so DP and me have been arguing for at least 3 months about his schedule. He’s got numerous hobbies and is always taking up new hobbies without any consideration for his family or me.

ive told him I need at least some time together as a couple that’s not just watching Netflix when he finishes his activities for the day or sex.

This ends in rows about how he wants to live his life, he lives with me so time is spent eating together, sleeping together…

he’s got 3 main hobbies, and has just picked up a fourth. There’s not one day he’s not doing anything hobby related.

I do yoga at 6am on Mondays and thursdays so I’m back in time for school run and then work. I go running on Saturday evenings (if he’s not decided he’s doing something else). I see my friends regularly. I’m not exactly just sitting waiting around for him.

He’s recently decided he’s rejoining a rugby club. I’ve asked how he’s going to fit this in with his other hobbies, he said he’ll make it work.

What he’s done this week:

Monday: did running club until 8pm. Came back, played on his video games until 11pm

Tuesday: did climbing at local depot with his brother until 10pm

Wednesday: Rugby “training” 7-9pm. Back home around 10 after going for a drink. Back on video games until midnight

Thursday: Arranged to go to a VR simulation experience with his brother and friends. Back home around 1am.

Friday: watched a movie alone in his gaming room. Reluctantly watched a movie with me. Brother came over for 3 hours and they sit and chatted in the kitchen.

todays our first day in 12 months that it’s just us 2, DS (7) has gone with my brother and his wife and kids to an adventure place in the midlands. They left around 9 and (all being well and if he wants to still do this) DS is sleeping over at their house.

DP said he was going to “plan a day for us”. Well I get up, get ready and come down to see him putting on his climbing gear. Ask where he’s going, said he’s going to the open climb for advanced climbers this morning. I asked him why he said he wasn’t going yesterday and he said he needed to go today as there’s a coach (does climbing have coaches?) there who’s really good and it’ll help him a lot. I ask what time he’s back. Says he doesn’t know, but “before 230”.

Tomorrow he’s out 8-2 again because he’s going to do a hike with his running club.

im exhausted trying to make this work. Maybe we’re not compatible? I honestly feel at times he’s making my life worse because his activities means he’s usually getting into bed 12/1/2 and it’s affecting my sleep. Obviously he also wants sex during these hours but I don’t feel the closeness to even enjoy that with him. I honestly feel like a handmaiden waiting for his schedule and honestly his attention.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

He clearly doesn’t want to be a father or a partner OP. I understand why some posters would start calculating hours and negotiating etc. but that would just make me feel like shit if I was you - you shouldn’t have to beg the person who is meant to be in love with you to spend time with you. You need to accept that and decide where to go from here.

Yes, I'm sorry to say your DP is a total arse. Ditch him and get yourself a life. I feel sorry for your son too as his father is hardly a great role model.

@ZappyDays "He’ll regret it one day."

I somehow doubt it.

What does he say when you tell him his son won't have a Dad to remember of his childhood?

What was he like before you had your son?

Generally speaking they don't change. If he never really spent time with you before, and you didn't have a lot in common, it was never going to magically happen.

Would you have described him as your "friend" as well as your lover? The best partnerships tend to come from friendship, shared goals and interests, not sex.

No way. This isn’t a relationship. He sounds like a
lodger who expects sex

Does he help with the kids? Who does bedtime and kids dinner if he’s out every night?

not to mention the expense: all these hobbies must cost a lot

Wow he sounds like a catch! What an arse! I mean my husband has hobbies as do I but we make time for eachother and there’s no gaming in between!
My DH works full time and me part time with 7 year old.
Husband also has a side hustle, goes to martial arts four times a week but still finds time for me. He also takes it in turns to put son to bed.
I go to the gym 3 times a week and choir.
It can work but sounds like he doesn't really want to spend time with you.
I’d sit down and tell him this and compromise or leave!!

Make your own plans, make sure DP does his share of stuff for the kids (school runs, taking them to their hobbies etc. Do not hold up any meals for him- he will have to grab what he ca. Do not do any of the things that he wants to do (including sex) until you have discussed his schedule and the fact he makes no time for the family or you.
The way I see it you are just being used as his support system- don't allow this, if you are getting nothing back, stop supporting, you really wouldn't be losing much if he just left.

I would be more upset over him expecting me to do all the parenting than the lack of companionship. Both are a problem, but checking out of parenting is infuriating. The example he is setting for your child about what marriage should look like is damaging. Your son needs to see that you won’t stand for this.

He’s just being utterly selfish and as long as his brother is encouraging him, he won’t change. You don’t say if the brother has kids. I’d tell him that you are sick of it, and not putting up with it anymore. Start making plans and going out, do some activities with your son at the weekend, where you have fun together , making him feel he is missing out. Even if it’s just going to the shopping mall- tell him it’s his turn to be home in the evening for your son on certain nights, because you are going out. Don’t always be there when he deigns to turn up.

I'd give upon this relationship and let him do his own thing. It must be awful for you. He sounds totally selfish.

He sounds like the endlessly absent husband in Motherland.

I hope you went for coffee with your sister. Your partner is a selfish twat.

If your not married would you not just call it a day your relationship doesn’t sound like it’s his priority even with having a dc he’s doing what a lot of men do avoiding responsibilities. Op of course yanbu maybe a doormat? If you’re arguing about it he doesn’t seem to hear you. He doesn’t respect you either. Have you said you would be better off without him. I would be seriously considering this he’s acting like your teenage son than a partner tbh. It is very frustrating even just reading this post he’s a very selfish man child.

Tell him to take his hobbies and fuck off to the far side of fuck. Selfishness like his is not acceptable in any way shape of form 😠

Yeah I'd be wanting out. Would it really change your life that much? Better sleep and not having to share a bed with a sex pest.

I just think people like him are only thinking of their short term gratification but in the long term he won’t have a meaningful relationship with his partner or his son so I do think one day that will be a regret.

How would you like life to be if you stay together and what do you expect if you split. It sounds like he doesn't like spending time with you so its pretty much over. Would he want to be involved if you split and would he support his ds? He sounds totally feckless.

Think about what you want and then have a calm conversation. It sounds like your marriage has run its course sorry.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this treatment 😥
If it were me, I'd feel 2nd choice & just not on his list of priorities whatsoever
I've experienced similar & ended up feeling completely unimportant & just someone he'd fit in, when /if he felt like it or had nothing else to do
Honestly wouldn't wish this type of treatment, or lack of affection on anyone -
Wishing you & your Child/Children the very best

You are the nanny with a fanny, and no doubt you carry the load for the house as he lives like a single man.

That you have tolerated this and allow your child to grow up in such an environment is awful.

Can you afford to split?
If so do.
In the meantime, do absolutely nothing for him, no cooking, laundry and definitely no sex.
Have some self respect.

Get organised and get rid of him.
He doesn't want you or family life.
Accept it and get rid.
He's living with you out of convenience only.

Him controlling your time is very sinister and abusive.
No surprise there.

I mean stop using sex with him at those dreadful times and be honest. Say it’s too late for me. I don’t feel close because you’re always out

This is one of the shittest accounts of a relationship I've seen here which is saying something. Good god. What an absolute cunt.

What exactly are you getting from this relationship? He sounds like he expects you to be the ‘little woman’ and do all child care etc and be available for sex when he wants it.

If you split up he might be forced to look after and have a relationship with his son.....

List pros am cons living with a man that basically wants to be single .