Partners selfish schedule or me being a princes

[MyGentleOliveUser]

Ok so DP and me have been arguing for at least 3 months about his schedule. He’s got numerous hobbies and is always taking up new hobbies without any consideration for his family or me.

ive told him I need at least some time together as a couple that’s not just watching Netflix when he finishes his activities for the day or sex.

This ends in rows about how he wants to live his life, he lives with me so time is spent eating together, sleeping together…

he’s got 3 main hobbies, and has just picked up a fourth. There’s not one day he’s not doing anything hobby related.

I do yoga at 6am on Mondays and thursdays so I’m back in time for school run and then work. I go running on Saturday evenings (if he’s not decided he’s doing something else). I see my friends regularly. I’m not exactly just sitting waiting around for him.

He’s recently decided he’s rejoining a rugby club. I’ve asked how he’s going to fit this in with his other hobbies, he said he’ll make it work.

What he’s done this week:

Monday: did running club until 8pm. Came back, played on his video games until 11pm

Tuesday: did climbing at local depot with his brother until 10pm

Wednesday: Rugby “training” 7-9pm. Back home around 10 after going for a drink. Back on video games until midnight

Thursday: Arranged to go to a VR simulation experience with his brother and friends. Back home around 1am.

Friday: watched a movie alone in his gaming room. Reluctantly watched a movie with me. Brother came over for 3 hours and they sit and chatted in the kitchen.

todays our first day in 12 months that it’s just us 2, DS (7) has gone with my brother and his wife and kids to an adventure place in the midlands. They left around 9 and (all being well and if he wants to still do this) DS is sleeping over at their house.

DP said he was going to “plan a day for us”. Well I get up, get ready and come down to see him putting on his climbing gear. Ask where he’s going, said he’s going to the open climb for advanced climbers this morning. I asked him why he said he wasn’t going yesterday and he said he needed to go today as there’s a coach (does climbing have coaches?) there who’s really good and it’ll help him a lot. I ask what time he’s back. Says he doesn’t know, but “before 230”.

Tomorrow he’s out 8-2 again because he’s going to do a hike with his running club.

im exhausted trying to make this work. Maybe we’re not compatible? I honestly feel at times he’s making my life worse because his activities means he’s usually getting into bed 12/1/2 and it’s affecting my sleep. Obviously he also wants sex during these hours but I don’t feel the closeness to even enjoy that with him. I honestly feel like a handmaiden waiting for his schedule and honestly his attention.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

@MyGentleOliveUser

This isn't sustainable. He is not treating you with respect.

He is living the life as a single bloke then you're like the live in nanny who he can demand a shag from when he feels like it.

It's time to be honest with him. Make it clear he has a choice.

How can you want to have sex with him? And if you tell him you don’t want sex, does he respect that, or nag and pressure you until you give in?

It sounds like he’s hopelessly selfish and doesn’t care about you or his son.

You're not a priority. He doesn't care how you feel about it he just wants you to shut up. This will not change. Your choice if you want to keep tolerating it.

I would be making plans to split. Your DC will be watching this and history will repeat itself. I’m not sure I would even let him know that I was going to do it until I was ready. It sounds like he has had enough warnings

Sadly it seems that he enjoys life outside of the home, fairly common and I think the reason why marriages break up.

You say partner so assume you are not married? How are finances?

I would have a conversation with him, along the lines of "where you spend time is what you value so I can tell from the last few years that you don't value or enjoy our time together I want to be with someone who enjoys time with me and that doesn't seem to be you".

He needs to face up to his behaviour, he isn't ready to have a family, despite having a child. Your response isn't to beg him ro spend time with you, it's to decide what you can live with. Many men chose a woman who will provide a homelife but then use home as a base to fulfil their solo dreams.

Nothing about your life suggests he wants a partner.

he won't be the one to call it a day on the marriage, op, this is way too convenient for him- food, sex, roof over his head, you might even be washing his hobby kits for him.

research your options- you're already a single parent, just a married one

beware any mentionitis of anyone at these hobbies....

I would go out and make sure I’m not home at 14.30.

No I absolutely would not be in a relationship with someone this selfish. He promised you a day for the two of you, then just decides he is off climbing without even telling you. Go out with your sister, why the hell will you stay in waiting for him? Let him start an argument as he aint going to win is he? He is taking you for a complete mug. I feel for your poor child too, he is going to grow up knowing his dad never wanted to spend anytime with him.

OP how on earth can you think you're even remotely in the wrong. My DH and I both have hectic schedules, he trains for ironman races and I have a committed gym schedule and am studying for an MBA. But we figure out a routine that means we both get time to do what we need to and also spend time as a family. He is living like a single man and giving zero shits about you and your DC. I honestly don't see how this is salvageable but think your life would actually be easier if yiu separated- you wouldn't have the stress of him waking you up etc. PLEASE do something with your sister today dont sit around waiting for hjm

I feel sorry for you that you essentially have no relationship with him, but I feel even worse for you DS as his dad doesn't want to be with him either.

I'd split up tbh because he's adding nothing to the relationship. He'll then have to adjust his schedule to have his son every other weekend.

sounds like the poor kid will see more of his dad when you split up. Because he will want 50/50 and no maintanance obviously...

Of course he is being massively unreasonable. This is really unfair. Think you should count up all the free hours and split them between individual time, couple time and family time. He obviously doesn’t want to be in a partnership.

Who cooks his meals so he can rush off to his hobbies? Him or you?
He sounds like a selfish, lazy arse of a man child.
Why would he be starting an argument about you meeting your sister for coffee when he’s the one going off climbing? Twat!
A partner is meant to enhance your life, not make it worse. What exactly does he do to make your life fulfilling? Nothing by the sounds of it. I think he would be better off as a single man and you would certainly be better off without him. I don’t say this lightly but just bin him off. You would be happier.

I hope you've gone and had a lovely time with your sister. It would certainly not be unreasonable to do so.

Climbing does have coaches, one of my daughters had one, but prioritising that seems very odd and overall, you and even more your DS sound like afterthoughts that he deals with between everything else he prefers doing.

Time for an ultimatum - either he spends more hours being a partner/father or the relationship is over. He doesn't seem committed to the relationship for sure. He can pay child maintenance and you will have the possibility of meeting someone better. I bet he probably wouldn't even find time to pick up your DS for their contact times and would forever be making excuses - "can't have DS this weekend, I've got a rugby match/climbing session/video gaming day".

He acts like he is single, and he doesn't even feel like he should consider you in any way. You, or your DC.

You need to sit him down and ask why he is with you at all - there is no companionship, no splitting of responsibilities, no time together, no closeness. He uses you for cleaning, cooking and sex. Either he starts acting like a family man, or he leaves. And, as some said on here already, this would mean he will have to parent your DC - and give up some of his hobbies.

snap

He sounds a right wanker. Dump!

So basically you're just there to facilitate his hobbies and social life by doing all the childcare?

Does he care about how this makes you feel? Or how exploitative this is?

Does he ever cook or just eat the food you have prepared when he gets in?

I'd be spelling out what EOW and Wednesday overnights would do for his hobbies. It seems like your child would spend more time with him.

When does he see his child??

This is not a relationship.
You are merely his live in slave whose function is to satisfy his sexual needs and do the domestic work.

It seems quite a few people would go for an ultimatum/talking to etc first.
but why?
why would you even want to be in a relationship with someone who has very clearly shown he would rather do umpteen things before being in your company?
if he does ship up, it will be because he doesn’t want to lose his free housemaid, free sex, opportunity to see his child being well looked after by someone else etc. it doesn’t change that he doesn’t actually choose to spend any time with the op given the choice.
the op shouldn’t beg. She’s the prize. Not him.

This sounds like a colleague. I don’t know how his other half puts up with him. They have two young children. It’s generally quietly understood around our place of work that he’s taking the piss.

PS he means YOU will make it work.

This is the really shocking bit. Reading your earlier posts, I assumed that he was not the father to your ds. That he was a very hands-off step dad.

How much time does he actually spend with his own son? And I don’t mean dragging your ds along to his hobbies.

Does he take his son to his activities. Kids football, rugby etc. Swimming lessons? Dance club? Beavers?

I wouldn't bother sitting him down and talking to him about things, at best he will nod along and promise to improve. He will improve for a little while and then go back to doing exactly as he pleases.
I think I would take a 'match his energy' strategy. Ie treat him exactly as he treats you, do as you please with no regard for him. Even better, do as you please and make sure you work it so that it causes him as much inconvenience as possible. If he complains laugh it off make excuses and don't make any changes in his favor.
Behave like a man.