Partners selfish schedule or me being a princes

[MyGentleOliveUser]

Ok so DP and me have been arguing for at least 3 months about his schedule. He’s got numerous hobbies and is always taking up new hobbies without any consideration for his family or me.

ive told him I need at least some time together as a couple that’s not just watching Netflix when he finishes his activities for the day or sex.

This ends in rows about how he wants to live his life, he lives with me so time is spent eating together, sleeping together…

he’s got 3 main hobbies, and has just picked up a fourth. There’s not one day he’s not doing anything hobby related.

I do yoga at 6am on Mondays and thursdays so I’m back in time for school run and then work. I go running on Saturday evenings (if he’s not decided he’s doing something else). I see my friends regularly. I’m not exactly just sitting waiting around for him.

He’s recently decided he’s rejoining a rugby club. I’ve asked how he’s going to fit this in with his other hobbies, he said he’ll make it work.

What he’s done this week:

Monday: did running club until 8pm. Came back, played on his video games until 11pm

Tuesday: did climbing at local depot with his brother until 10pm

Wednesday: Rugby “training” 7-9pm. Back home around 10 after going for a drink. Back on video games until midnight

Thursday: Arranged to go to a VR simulation experience with his brother and friends. Back home around 1am.

Friday: watched a movie alone in his gaming room. Reluctantly watched a movie with me. Brother came over for 3 hours and they sit and chatted in the kitchen.

todays our first day in 12 months that it’s just us 2, DS (7) has gone with my brother and his wife and kids to an adventure place in the midlands. They left around 9 and (all being well and if he wants to still do this) DS is sleeping over at their house.

DP said he was going to “plan a day for us”. Well I get up, get ready and come down to see him putting on his climbing gear. Ask where he’s going, said he’s going to the open climb for advanced climbers this morning. I asked him why he said he wasn’t going yesterday and he said he needed to go today as there’s a coach (does climbing have coaches?) there who’s really good and it’ll help him a lot. I ask what time he’s back. Says he doesn’t know, but “before 230”.

Tomorrow he’s out 8-2 again because he’s going to do a hike with his running club.

im exhausted trying to make this work. Maybe we’re not compatible? I honestly feel at times he’s making my life worse because his activities means he’s usually getting into bed 12/1/2 and it’s affecting my sleep. Obviously he also wants sex during these hours but I don’t feel the closeness to even enjoy that with him. I honestly feel like a handmaiden waiting for his schedule and honestly his attention.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

I have an ExH who is massively in to his hobby, he's an instructor, all of his holidays and weekends are doing it. I felt like i had to end it, he wasn't really a husband and I didn't want my daughter to grow think that this is how hsubands treat their wives. He's not a partner or a parent.

Get counselling for you only , it will help you decide what you want to do and you do it with confidence ( get a counsellor experienced in relationships) . Be aware the kids will know he’s not around . Importantly you don’t want them to grow up and go into relationships where they are second best , not a priority and think mum should does everything. You need to break the cycle, first you but also them so they go into equal loving relationships . I honestly think you will all enjoy life more without him , not being given crumbs when he HAS to . You are all with more than that, but you have to be the one to say we deserve more!

If he wanted to, he would OP. If he wanted to spend time with you, he would. If he wanted to spend time with your DS he would.

Do NOT allow this to be what your DS thinks is how a partner and father behaves. And don’t be in a relationship where you have to convince your partner to spend time with you, and accept the crumbs they offer. You deserve more!

Playing video games doesn’t make him a teenager. I’m 49 and love my PS5. That’s my hobby and there’s nothing wrong with that

Sex stops...

Make plans to separate,its not like the kids will miss him.

It's telling that his idea of when you already spend quality time together is centred around his 2 drives; food and sex.

It's not unreasonable to want more than that.
That level of selfishness in a partner would change my view of and attraction to them.

He’s acting like a single man. That’s the problem. His non-working hours are filled to the brim with him doing things he wants to do alone for his own pleasure. It’s incredibly self-centred. You can’t come and go as you please and indulge in this much hobby time when you have a partner and children - I’m not sure why he thinks this is acceptable!

It sounds like he just doesn’t particularly like you or enjoy your company.
People prioritise their time to spend it with people they enjoy, doing activities they enjoy.

He has checked out of his relationship with you and the DC.

You dont sound compatible at all, he chooses to spend his quality time elsewhere and not with you. He is putting others and hobbies a priority over family. Serious chat needed as sounds like he's living a single life and not that of a parent/husband.

Honestly I'd tell him he either proves to me he loves me or he can go live elsewhere and take on half the parenting so that YOU can have some "downtime". And the proof is that he treats you like a partner and not a maid he expects to have sex with. Consistently.

But also I'd probably have broken up with him way before now.

Ask him straight - do you actually love me?

Because he doesn't show it in any way. He has no interest in spending time with you (or his son).

If things continue as they are it's only a matter if time before you split.

I would bin this selfish fucker off without a second thought.

Of course you’re not unreasonable.

the unreasonable bit is why on earth you put up with it.

what are you getting out of this ‘relationship’ - which isn’t a relationship at all.

you don’t have to be in a relationship op, it isn’t the law in this county. This man adds absolutely nothing to your life or his child’s.

divorce and you’ll be a lot happier and also he might actually spend some time with his son then. And if he doesn’t, he isn’t at the moment anyway.

He’s already left both you and your children. Priorities are totally all him,him,him with no compromise
it’s simply that geography hasn’t caught up yet and he still happens to be living at the house

Use the time he is out to get copies of all his financials etc. Research a good divorce lawyer and make an appointment.
If you have a spare room, move him or you into there.
Make it clear you will not be doing anything for him any longer ie food shops, cooking, cleaning, washing etc. You prioritise yourself and your son.
He's checked out of the relationship and you need to respond accordingly.

Move into the spare bedroom (or sleep with your son).

No sex.

Stop doing his cooking / washing.

When he asks why, tell him those are partner level and he is only a housemate to you.

Warn him he's ending the relationship with his behaviour. And mean it if it doesn't consistently change. Because your feelings will change even if they haven't yet. That isn't a sustainable relationship.

He treats you like a Non Playable Character in one of his games. He interacts with you when he wants to, but he doesn't believe you have a life and thoughts of your own. You're just there, in the background, an uncomplaining NPC.

You get one life on this planet. Don't waste it being a supporting character in the life of this selfish knobhead.

He’s not your Partner and you are not acting like a Princess.

He’s treating you with so much disrespect. To him you’re a housekeeper, child minder and a vagina.

Go out with your Sister, enjoy your day. Then tell him exactly how you feel, and then decide if you want to live like you are.

You get one life on this planet. Don't waste it being a supporting character in the life of this selfish knobhead.

This in bold and big letters.

Dont waste energy playing games, trying to shock him into changing or even asking if he loves you. He might well do, but this is how he’s behaving regardless.

It sounds like you essentially live alone but with twice as much housework. I’d get the financials in order and ask him to find somewhere else to live.

Maybe spend this evening discussing the practicalities of separating. Ask him what he plans to do for childcare on his weekends or if he just wouldn't see his child for weeks on end.

Honestly, I have no words.

Every so often someone posts on MN about this sort of partner issue but this is next level selfishness and beyond.The worst I’ve ever read by a LONG way.

I can’t believe you have a child together. That makes it even worse.

And his attempt to salvage things today is actually no attempt at all. He spouted about doing things together and then fucked off to do something for himself without giving you a second thought. Quite frankly I would have told him not to bother coming back from climbing today as you’re done with him.

You write partner so I assume you’re not married. I’d either be making plans to move out or kicking him out depending on whose name the property is owned/rented in. Not great for your DC but perhaps they won’t even notice he’s gone as he seems to spend zero time at home / with your DC anyway.

Utterly appalling.

So, his idea of being a father is to do basically nothing, and his idea of being a partner is you being there for sex. You make his life run smoothly and he makes you unhappy. What is the point of him.

I would definitely take yourself out for the full day today even if you just end up on your own in the cinema with your phone off. You could have gone with your ds and be having a fun day out with your family. ExH was like this with hobbies and know he will do the minimum parenting if you separate. However even though single parenting is physically tiring I found it easier on my mental wellbeing as I don’t doubt myself anymore or spend my days arguing or seething with resentment. He’s just very selfish. It will also affect your child’s self esteem and they will also doubt themselves and question why they aren’t good enough for dad’s time. He knows it’s unfair but now you have a child reckons you are trapped because he knows you will get up at 6 to make sure your dc gets to school - so he can be as selfish as he likes. I honestly think selfish men pick very kind, hard working women on purpose.

I would definitely make plans with your sister in this case. But as others have said, you barely mention your DS and the lack of parenting your partner is doing - I assume it is entirely engrained that all parenting is your job, but your DS must barely see his dad, let alone his dad taking any share of the responsibility. This is a massive issue for me.