Partners selfish schedule or me being a princes

[MyGentleOliveUser]

Ok so DP and me have been arguing for at least 3 months about his schedule. He’s got numerous hobbies and is always taking up new hobbies without any consideration for his family or me.

ive told him I need at least some time together as a couple that’s not just watching Netflix when he finishes his activities for the day or sex.

This ends in rows about how he wants to live his life, he lives with me so time is spent eating together, sleeping together…

he’s got 3 main hobbies, and has just picked up a fourth. There’s not one day he’s not doing anything hobby related.

I do yoga at 6am on Mondays and thursdays so I’m back in time for school run and then work. I go running on Saturday evenings (if he’s not decided he’s doing something else). I see my friends regularly. I’m not exactly just sitting waiting around for him.

He’s recently decided he’s rejoining a rugby club. I’ve asked how he’s going to fit this in with his other hobbies, he said he’ll make it work.

What he’s done this week:

Monday: did running club until 8pm. Came back, played on his video games until 11pm

Tuesday: did climbing at local depot with his brother until 10pm

Wednesday: Rugby “training” 7-9pm. Back home around 10 after going for a drink. Back on video games until midnight

Thursday: Arranged to go to a VR simulation experience with his brother and friends. Back home around 1am.

Friday: watched a movie alone in his gaming room. Reluctantly watched a movie with me. Brother came over for 3 hours and they sit and chatted in the kitchen.

todays our first day in 12 months that it’s just us 2, DS (7) has gone with my brother and his wife and kids to an adventure place in the midlands. They left around 9 and (all being well and if he wants to still do this) DS is sleeping over at their house.

DP said he was going to “plan a day for us”. Well I get up, get ready and come down to see him putting on his climbing gear. Ask where he’s going, said he’s going to the open climb for advanced climbers this morning. I asked him why he said he wasn’t going yesterday and he said he needed to go today as there’s a coach (does climbing have coaches?) there who’s really good and it’ll help him a lot. I ask what time he’s back. Says he doesn’t know, but “before 230”.

Tomorrow he’s out 8-2 again because he’s going to do a hike with his running club.

im exhausted trying to make this work. Maybe we’re not compatible? I honestly feel at times he’s making my life worse because his activities means he’s usually getting into bed 12/1/2 and it’s affecting my sleep. Obviously he also wants sex during these hours but I don’t feel the closeness to even enjoy that with him. I honestly feel like a handmaiden waiting for his schedule and honestly his attention.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

I'm really sorry to read this, he sounds awful. I'm sure at some point he had some good qualities but this is awful to read. I have to say the sex bit is just the worst. He expects to disturb your sleep? Wow do you actually enjoy it? I would say individual therapy to figure out what you actually want. Then go from there. I could not imagine living in a relationship like this, it must feel so lonely. His brother sounds equally awful.

Fuck me - I assumed that he was not the dad by how you’ve written about him! Does he do any parenting?! I don’t see how you can with that many hobbies… for me that would be the biggest issue.

This is craziness.
Forget about you for a second - where does his DS fit into his life?!

I wouldn’t just be organising days/time for myself, I’d be shipping out. You ARE with a teenager/man child. Unacceptable!

Also… a day together would mean he cancels his morning plans. Not a vague “I’ll be back at 2.30”. I would genuinely stay out overnight and tell him he’s parenting solo tonight. His poor child, it must be so damaging that your father lives with you but doesn’t want to spend any time as a family?!

His actions tell you everything you need to know. Spending time on hobbies is more important and enjoyable than being with his family.

I’d walk. Life is too short. What kind of life must you be living like this? I’d genuinely rather be single.

The fact you would even consider that “you’re being a princess”, not say no to the waking you up for sex even though you feel like a handmaiden, you have made no mention about him doing hardly any parenting of your joint child, it’s all very concerning OP. Please seek support in real life. None of his behaviour is ok and you need to get some kind of therapy or counselling to help you get out of this horrible situation.

He doesn't love you. That's not how people treat people they love. I'm sorry.

He's not a partner or a parent. He's absent. He's opting out. Your left picking up the pieces. He's basically a single man living with the benifits of a partner. I'd be furious if someone was leaving me to do everything, waking me up at stupid o'clock and then wanted sex as well. He's acting like you areconly their to serve him and meet his needs. Being in a partnership means you communicate, compromise and have your partner at the heart of your decision. Your "partner" is a selfish child. He is the only person he considers. He isn't thinking of you or your child. I bet he doesn't contribute to the running of the household either. How could he possibly, he's never there.

If I was you I'd go about my business. Do things you enjoy. He may be back at 2.30. He might not. He's doing as he pleases and not considering anyone else. Why should you be sat waiting for him to grace you with his presence? I'd consider leaving him. It doesn't sound like he brings much to your life.

His behaviour is very selfish and not fitting for a partner and father. His life sounds like that of a single, child-free man! When does he spend time with your son? Something has to give. It sounds like you’re already sacrificing a hell of a lot for his benefit so the “give” has to come from him now!

I would give him one last chance to sort his shit out and then it would be game over for me. Sounds harsh but life is far too short to keep putting yourself on the back burner, begging for scraps of attention from someone who’s supposed to cherish the ground you walk on.

If this man disturbed my sleep Id make damn sure I disturbed his sleep, especially if it was before an important event related to one of his precious hobbies.

Or better still move out into a separate bedroom and put a bolt on the door.

Exactly this.

I’d sit him down for one serious talk and explain it as you have here. If he’s still behaving like a selfish, sulking, single, teenager after that then you’ve got nothing to lose by ditching him as you’re already a single parent.

Just waiting for the update where @MyGentleOliveUser confirms she is also the main earner in the relationship and he’s spending all her hard earned money on his hobbies…
The whole situation is a mess, adults that game are a massive ick generally but the deal breaker for me is the interruption of sleep due to late night gaming (ick!) then expecting sex?! He’s taking everything and giving nothing back, literally a vampire sucking you dry

This is awful.

At the very least change to yoga at a less antisocial time while he looks after your kid!

Some women might be satisfied by that, but I certainly wouldn't be. Is he waking you expecting sex when he finally comes to bed after gaming? Because that would be the final straw for me, though the rest of it is bad enough. (ETA: It seems he is waking you. I'd hoped maybe you were just waiting up later than you'd like for him to come to bed, which wouldn't be quite as awful, but still not good.)

I'd definitely start doing my own thing and considering the future of the relationship. It sounds like you've already made it clear to him that you're not happy with this situation, but he refuses to make real, lasting changes. That means you can either make adjustments to your own end of the bargain to make this work for you—or you decide it's not worth it and split. I suppose you could give him an ultimatum first, to give him one last chance to shape up, but I'd be surprised if it fixes things.

Crikey this is terrible OP - probably far worse than you think. And then he comes in, wakes you up and wants sex. I did an audible snort at that point!

He's neither a father nor a partner. He's someone who lives in your home who you nanny and housekeep for. With a side helping of sex when he can be arsed.

You're not in a relationship. You're just useful to him ... while he's living it large.

🙁

I’ve spent more time with random flatmates than your partner seems to be spending with you and your son.

Wow. Yanbu. He is making zero time for you or your son.
For 3 months you have been trying to get him to see this and he is ignoring you.

I guess I would try couples counselling and if he refused, I’d tell him he can go live with his brother.

He is taking you for granted. Ick. I can understand why you don’t want sex with him. I’d stop the sex and trying to accommodate him. Saturday is your running and no he can’t plan something else.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to spend as little time with me as possible.

Your poor child. When does he ever get to see his father? And there is no way my husband would be waking me up for sex! Do you ever get to do anything as family?

I'm all for having hobbies but he sounds like he doesn't actually want to spend any time with you! And how much time is he spending with his son, given he's presumably at work in the day and out almost every evening? Honestly, I think I'd tell him that as he seems to want to live his life like a single man he can be one! Go out with your sister and book yourself into a nice hotel with room service. Breeze in tomorrow morning and say what a nice time you've had 😁

I agree. He will improve a bit, complain about being nagged and "controlled" and carry on as before.

I think you should keep the ultimatums under your hat whilst research your options, find out where you stand financially and decide what you really want to do before you have the big talk because after that things may get difficult.

I was a bit disgusted when I heard that his new additional weekend hobby was joining a rugby team... with all the away matches and post match drinking, the fund raising events and the mid week training. It's not just a few hours on a Saturday. Why isn't he taking his son to Mini Rugby if he's that keen on it? Does he even know how his son spends his time when he's not around? Or teaching him to swim, or playing football or cycle rides. I feel so sorry for your son (and you)

He also sounds so entitled.. the fact that you started this thread thinking you were being a princess to ask for some time for you and your child.. just shows how far he's established this as the normal routine that you are not even allowed to query. I think it would as some have suggested be a great idea to get individual counselling to see what you want to do with your life.

I'd also do your own thing today.. let him do his own cooking and washing.

Are you delaying eating until he gets home? I had to do that sometimes when DH had a job which involved lots of lates. I'd stop that and eat with your son.

You are not this man's mum. If he's not spending any time with you or your boy, I'm guessing he's not doing any housework, grocery shopping, house admin, cleaning, organising, child admin etc.. either ..... He is a carefree teenager. This is not an equal partnership and he makes you feel like you are a petulant princess because you tried to pull him up on this.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

Come on OP. He will start an argument if you go and do something else because he sees an opportunity to gaslight you. "YOU went and met your sister when I had planned a day out" will be thrown back at you even though it is a lie. He hasn't planned a day with you.

Sorry OP but this man doesn't want to spend time with you. He also doesn't want to spend time with his son. He likes his brother. Likes suiting himself. Probably quite likes having sex with you (ditto brother with his girlfriend). Other than that you and his child don't really figure.

Go out this afternoon. Laugh at him when he whines "but I planned something". Tell him you are thinking this "relationship" has run its course. Ignore the little bits of time he will throw you as he realises that this might upset his perfect selfish life.

god, where do these men come from?

he won’t care.

You took the words right out of my mouth.