Partners selfish schedule or me being a princes

[MyGentleOliveUser]

Ok so DP and me have been arguing for at least 3 months about his schedule. He’s got numerous hobbies and is always taking up new hobbies without any consideration for his family or me.

ive told him I need at least some time together as a couple that’s not just watching Netflix when he finishes his activities for the day or sex.

This ends in rows about how he wants to live his life, he lives with me so time is spent eating together, sleeping together…

he’s got 3 main hobbies, and has just picked up a fourth. There’s not one day he’s not doing anything hobby related.

I do yoga at 6am on Mondays and thursdays so I’m back in time for school run and then work. I go running on Saturday evenings (if he’s not decided he’s doing something else). I see my friends regularly. I’m not exactly just sitting waiting around for him.

He’s recently decided he’s rejoining a rugby club. I’ve asked how he’s going to fit this in with his other hobbies, he said he’ll make it work.

What he’s done this week:

Monday: did running club until 8pm. Came back, played on his video games until 11pm

Tuesday: did climbing at local depot with his brother until 10pm

Wednesday: Rugby “training” 7-9pm. Back home around 10 after going for a drink. Back on video games until midnight

Thursday: Arranged to go to a VR simulation experience with his brother and friends. Back home around 1am.

Friday: watched a movie alone in his gaming room. Reluctantly watched a movie with me. Brother came over for 3 hours and they sit and chatted in the kitchen.

todays our first day in 12 months that it’s just us 2, DS (7) has gone with my brother and his wife and kids to an adventure place in the midlands. They left around 9 and (all being well and if he wants to still do this) DS is sleeping over at their house.

DP said he was going to “plan a day for us”. Well I get up, get ready and come down to see him putting on his climbing gear. Ask where he’s going, said he’s going to the open climb for advanced climbers this morning. I asked him why he said he wasn’t going yesterday and he said he needed to go today as there’s a coach (does climbing have coaches?) there who’s really good and it’ll help him a lot. I ask what time he’s back. Says he doesn’t know, but “before 230”.

Tomorrow he’s out 8-2 again because he’s going to do a hike with his running club.

im exhausted trying to make this work. Maybe we’re not compatible? I honestly feel at times he’s making my life worse because his activities means he’s usually getting into bed 12/1/2 and it’s affecting my sleep. Obviously he also wants sex during these hours but I don’t feel the closeness to even enjoy that with him. I honestly feel like a handmaiden waiting for his schedule and honestly his attention.

aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog

For example, I’ve overheard phone calls where he’s said along the lines of, just come on the game she’s not your mum, why can’t she drive herself to the doctors, you’re allowed downtime.

Urgh. Pair of misogynist pigs, aren't they?

Sounds unsalvagable, especially with his brother now whispering into his ear

à la poubelle with this one, it sounds like a level of selfishness you can’t do anything about

I don't have a daughter. If I did and you were being treated like this by your life partner, father of your children I would be sad and very 😠. We all need time for ourselves ...he has completely lost sight of you apart except when he wants sex....yuk. As for your son, hope he is not sensing your unhappiness...💐

He's never there and never does anything with you or his son. So what's the point of him exactly?

He's checked out of your relationship hasn't he? He isn't even a decent df..

You’re not a princess, you’re a doormat. You and DS deserve so much more.

Dont be a dick. She doesnt owe us any kind of action. If you dont want to continue to offer advice, dont.

Does he have ANY redeeming features?!

OP your post at 10.58 makes it sound like he's organised something for today, but since he's busy this morning with his climb and has merely said he'll be back before 2.30, I wouldn't bank on anything being organised at all.

You and your son are just adjuncts to his life, you're not an integral part of it. Only you know how much you can tolerate, I suspect it won't get better as he ages.And obviously most of us here wouldn't put up with as much as you do already.

how much time does he spend with his son? Do they video game, rock climb, rugby together? What clubs and activities does your son do and your DH support/facilitate?.

Nevermind him being an absolute zero of a partner. He is a fucking awful dad.

Fuck this for a game of soldiers…
Go out with your sister and tell him to fuck off if he has the gall to whinge!

You’ve tried, things clearly aren’t getting better. He’s living like a single man and that’s exactly what status I’d be giving him…single. Leave him to live his batchelor lifestyle and move on with your life but not before getting a clear schedule in place for when he has his DS. He’s showing you who he really is, believe him, he won’t change. Stop being a doormat and there would be no sex, no washing, no cooking etc until I moved out if I was in your shoes OP.

But does she not owe it to her son, and his potential spouse, to not role model a misogynistic relationship?
because the circle just continues otherwise.

So basically he takes care of all his physical needs, including sexual? Which is what you're for? And he throws you a crumb once a year to keep you sweet?

Dude,.come on. The fact you've outlined it all out tells you what your heart is communicating to your head.

"aibu to just make my own plans today? My sister has called and asked me to go for a coffee. I know DP will start an argument if I do that, because of today’s “plan”. But I’ve no idea when he’s back and I’m sick of waiting around like a lap dog"

Call your sister back and go for a coffee with her NOW.

Later, sit down with a bit of paper and draw his weekly schedule on a piece of paper. Work, Sleep, Meals, Family, Couple, Hobbies. Colour each category in a different colour. Yes, I know it sounds childish but it gives you a very strong visual. (I was actually taught to do this at college as a way of working out what in your life had to 'give' to allow you enough time to study.) Look at it, and take it in.

As well as spending no time with you, he doesn't sound as if he does much parenting either. Time for a serious Talk, isn't it? Shape up or ship out time. As someone else posted - how will he find time to do his hobbies once he has to carry the domestic load of wherever he moved to?

But right now - go for a coffee with your sister.

When does he spend time with his son?

It sounds to me like he is living the life of a single man and just doing as he pleases. Even when at home it sounds like you are both living separate lives if he is gaming and watching movies on his own. From what you have said some may be influenced by his brother but I don’t think he is solely to blame. Your partner needs to realise that he is a man with family and that comes with responsibilities. I personally couldn’t live that so if it were me he would dropping some of the hobbies or I would be ending things

Jesus Christ, so not only does he disturb your sleep by coming to bed late because he is playing video games (automatic ick for me regardless), he then expects sex? I would tell him to literally go fuck himself.

It sounds like there's no relationship to even end, just the house to sort out if it's owned by you both?

I honestly thought reading your original.post that you were a single mum and he was your boyfriend, living with you, and even then I thought it was a bit much. But to realise it is also his child... I'm astounded. What parenting does this man do?

You've every right and are totally reasonable to feel this way. He's not being a partner, he's a flatmate with sex. I feel sorry for you and for your son, it's not unreasonable to think that he would actually want to spend time with you, and not only because of nagging.

I hate to say this, but do you think he's already checked out of this relationship? Perhaps it's time for a honest conversation.

My husband’s hobby became an obsession at certain points in our relationship, to the extent that it dominated his life and our marriage. It was the sole issue we argued about, as he acted as though he were single and without commitments. I had no issue with the hobby itself, but when it turned into an addiction, I told him he was free to continue it…just not with me.

Go out with your sister for lunch and dinner and let’s him stew at home as he’s a selfish sod and absent father/husband

Massive ick.

Ultimatum time (with an expectation of 50/50 childcare). And follow through with it.

So he’s avoided all homework and bedtimes.

He’s not a catch is he?

Never mind more parenting and partnering. I he no sense that you feel like he even enjoys time with you. How dare he be so shit and take up your life! What a waste!