To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

[highhopes88]

My 5 year old son is a tricky customer. He's hilarious, outgoing, caring and imaginative but he struggles with his emotions and impulse control. He's in reception and his teacher is great at sharing strategies with us to help him with his emotional development and SENCO have given some tips too. At present they're not sure either way whether there is neurodiversity going on. Sometimes I think there might be, sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc. We don't know, and it's difficult because the obvious parenting strategies don't always work with him. We can't really use a 'hard-line' approach on anything because it's like a red rag to a bull. Instead we have to use a more gentle approach (not in the gentle parenting way before I get a million eye rolls!). I mean that instead of being direct with sanctions for poor behaviour, we have to give him time to cool off, think about his actions, then he'll seek us out and apologise and we'll discuss what he could do better next time. In the heat of the moment this strategy often feels counter-intuitive to us as if he's done something he definitely knows he shouldn't do and we feel like we should tell him off for it, we have to almost reign it in and explain what he did wrong etc and discuss how to improve next time. Does any of that make sense?!

ANYWAY today after school we were walking to the school car park and he said he didn't like the snack I'd brought him. I calmly said oh ok well next week let's talk about what we can have after school, anyway I've brought you a Freddo because it's Friday so you can have that. Almost as if he didn't actually hear the last part of the sentence he starts marching across the car park where there could be cars entering so I follow him and tell him it's dangerous and to get to the car. He then starts running round the car next to mine laughing hysterically. I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear. I eventually decide it's safer if I just outrun him round the car and get hold of him however as I turn round the car I slipped, fell and hurt my arm. I was livid. All knowledge of my discussions with school about our gentle approach went out the window and I yelled at him to get to the car. I then told him he would not be going to his friend's birthday party tomorrow (Saturday).

I was so upset on the drive home. I was beyond angry that I do so much for him and invest so much time in adopting the right parenting approach for him yet everything just turns to shit no matter how hard I try. Now I'm humiliated in front of the school mums that I fell over and I just want to hit hard with a consequence that will actually get through to him - not going to the party.

I chatted to my husband tonight and he thinks we should follow through with it. To teach him there are consequences for poor behaviour. I just feel so bad. I worry that if he is neurodiverse he won't understand the link between his behaviour and the consequence and will just be emotionally scarred that he'll be the only one not attending this party from his class. (I know for sure everyone out of his class is going - it's a tiny class).

AIBU - the consequence doesn't fit the crime so let him go to the party
AINBU - the consequence of not going to the party is suitable and I shouldn't let him go

Thanks for reading!

This is the main reason not to do it.

IF the SENCO is even remotely involved at school he almost certainly is ND. They are so overstretched there’s no time or interest in what you might call ‘borderline’ cases.

Your son will survive, with your help and support.

A simple explanation that his friend wasn't allowed to come to the party because he wouldn't listen to his mummy and was behaving dangerously should be easy for a five year old to understand.

As an aside, I think you've illustrated the point made by a PP about young adults lacking resilience.

In the bigger scheme of things, disapppintment at five years old isn't going to make or break your child unless you allow it to.

Party places are expensive. I would not be chuffed if other parents were displacing their parenting boundaries and punishing MY child for their child not behaving. Also, if other parents thought it was okay to waste £20 of mine, their child would never be invited to future parties.

It was year’s ago. Child psychologists say don’t punish a child by taking away a social event and that it also punishes the host and their child, and is too harsh compared to natural consequences (Google), but it’s common sense really isn’t it, I’m surprised parents don’t have an inner voice telling them it’s a punishment that also punishes others.

I think a child who couldn’t wait to see his best friend at his party, and crying because he wasn’t allowed to come, is not a sign of lack of resilience. It’s bloody rude of the parents!

This is also a factor. Parents might not invite again because of flaky, inept parenting not because the child was naughty. If a parent thinks that is a suitable punishment then that tells me the parents have no manners or consideration for others.

This is spot on advice .. give him an opportunity for a reprieve based on tasks and behaviour. Your description of how you generally manage his emotional needs and when he becomes overwhelmed is really lovely to read and you are absolutely doing the right thing; save parties or events for real red line moments that you may encounter when behaviour really is unacceptable like hitting a grown up or causing damage in the home that’s when you have to be really tough and set the consequence.

This is spot on advice .. give him an opportunity for a reprieve based on tasks and behaviour. Your description of how you generally manage his emotional needs and when he becomes overwhelmed is really lovely to read and you are absolutely doing the right thing; save parties or events for real red line moments that you may encounter when behaviour really is unacceptable like hitting a grown up or causing damage in the home that’s when you have to be really tough and set the consequence.

I must be very, very, old school. When my kids were little, 'I' was the adult, I was the parent. My kids knew if I said to do something, they did it. No argument. They have their own kids now, and will often say that they loved their childhood, and want their kids to turn out the same as them.
Why are kids running the show now? 🤷🏼‍♀️

So you are ok with a parent not caring about the other parent (the host) or kid?

I would never have issued this punishment, it’s very bad etiquette in my book to let down other people because of an unrelated incident. What has the mother and party boy done to deserve this?

Emotionally scarred for not going to a birthday party? A tad over the top there. He won’t even remember it next week.

Op has ONLY punished her son in this way because she fell over chasing him and felt embarrassed in front of other mums. she never normally punishes her son at all, just explains later what he has done wrong.. the precedent for acceptable behaviour has been set, and unfortunately it's on the floor.

In fact she normally finds his running off cheeky and funny, so how is the son supposed to know this boundary has even been crossed? Let alone understand why he has been so harshly punished for it.

not a proportionate punishment at all, and especially cruel to punish the party child too.

Let me guess, the birthday boy and his parents might be emotionally scarred too?

Yeah I would have grabbed my 5 year old before any running started happening in a car park. I probably would have held her hand to ensure she did nothing daft as they can at that age. Think mine is neurodiverse in some way so don’t trust her at all. I only say that as I have adhd and understand it’s genetic.

i would let him go to the party as it’s good at this age to socialise with peers but it’s up to you.

Good plan.
I understand throwing out a consequence in the heat of the moment but as pps have said it was an inappropriate one based on the fact you fell..
My brother in law did this regularly, would let his kids say run around on a slippery floor but if they fell over would then yell at them for running. The instruction has to be about the bit they have control over.

Bottom line is it’s bad manners. Some people don’t put any store on manners (as evident on here).

I’m guessing he went to the party @highhopes88

Again, this is not necessarily true. It depends on the child and the type and extent of their neuro-differences. My ADHD 11 YO certainly understood by age 5 that her behaviour yesterday = no screen time this weekend. Did she like it? No. Did her behaviour and ability to regulate improve with clear consequences and boundary setting - yes. In fact more than my NT children, the ND one NEEDS to have consistency of 'mummy says = that's what happens'. I found weak boundaries, and backing down made her much more confused, dysregulated, and impulsive than setting harsh consequences for repeated misbehaviour. Obviously, these need to be proportionate, and obviously, a child with ADHD has a much harder time recognising what is and isn't appropriate and controlling their impulses. But ND children are not universally incapable of understanding delayed consequences. Nor do they have zero control over their behaviour - it is just harder for them, so parents need to be stronger, not weaker in their parenting styles.

” I would usually find him running round and away from me in his cheeky way mildly amusing”

this is your problem. You see him as a funny guy and he’s playing into that role, acting like a clown to get a reaction. Stop encouraging him. Running away from you is not cheeky and funny, it’s dangerous and disrespectful.

I have young children myself and often see the type of child running around like a lunatic and the parents do nothing but smile gormlously. People tell me my children are placid. They’re not, they just know what expectations I have of them. Running around in a car park is what you’d expect of a 2 year old, not a 5 year old.

I think you need to raise your standards in what behaviour you expect of him, and then be consistent. Your quote about finding it amusing seeing him run away from you is ridiculous. You’re not doing him any favours.

Sounds like you are struggling with dealing with your emotions.

You slipped. Is it annoying? Yes. A bit embarrassing? Maybe. But you want to punish him because of your own feelings.

Obviously a D&V bug is different, no one wants to have a child come to a party in those circumstances!

But there are plenty of other possible consequences that can be given to children who have misbehaved that don’t inconvenience other people.

I disagree I don't think you should take away something already earned through wanted behaviour. Choose something else that is related if unwanted behaviour comes up after they've earned something. If you take away things they have already earned then it undoes all their hard work, and good behaviour in their eyes becomes meaningless.

No, you don't have to follow through like a robot.

It's perfectly rational and good modeling to say:

"I've thought about it lots and I've decided that it wasn't right to say you couldn't go to the party tomorrow because of what happened."

Obviously if you do this every time you proclaim a punishment then yes you may struggle to have your child take you seriously.

But as a one off it's fine.

Speaking of a mum of a child who had poor impulse control when younger (and is only now managing to have autism assessments), I would say let him go to the party. It is difficult enough to maintain friendships when there are 'differences' let alone when you are excluded. Plus it doesnt sound like what happened was his fault.

If there are differences / SEN undiagnosed needs or sensory overload aspects might he find it overwhelming at the party? What if the party triggers behaviour.

Its worth looking into sensory processing disorders.

It could be that school is in itself an overwhelming experience - he gets out of school and runs free (perceived as misbehaving) due to struggling to cope with school. So potentailly what you are experiencing as naughty behaviour is just in fact the let down from the overwhelm from school. There are lots of videos on sensory processing disorders (there are many types) online on youtube which are worth watching.

I understand that you were probably just fed up and to stop his behaviour you said he couldn't go to a party the next day... A consequence for his behaviour should have been for that day, ie:- no tv or no playing with certain toys etc. I think it's mean on your part to carry it over to the next day. By preventing him going to the party is quite a severe punishment, he was only doing what many kids do. You should have told him why he was wrong, give him a chance to apologise and move on, he was far from his fault you fell...