To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

[highhopes88]

My 5 year old son is a tricky customer. He's hilarious, outgoing, caring and imaginative but he struggles with his emotions and impulse control. He's in reception and his teacher is great at sharing strategies with us to help him with his emotional development and SENCO have given some tips too. At present they're not sure either way whether there is neurodiversity going on. Sometimes I think there might be, sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc. We don't know, and it's difficult because the obvious parenting strategies don't always work with him. We can't really use a 'hard-line' approach on anything because it's like a red rag to a bull. Instead we have to use a more gentle approach (not in the gentle parenting way before I get a million eye rolls!). I mean that instead of being direct with sanctions for poor behaviour, we have to give him time to cool off, think about his actions, then he'll seek us out and apologise and we'll discuss what he could do better next time. In the heat of the moment this strategy often feels counter-intuitive to us as if he's done something he definitely knows he shouldn't do and we feel like we should tell him off for it, we have to almost reign it in and explain what he did wrong etc and discuss how to improve next time. Does any of that make sense?!

ANYWAY today after school we were walking to the school car park and he said he didn't like the snack I'd brought him. I calmly said oh ok well next week let's talk about what we can have after school, anyway I've brought you a Freddo because it's Friday so you can have that. Almost as if he didn't actually hear the last part of the sentence he starts marching across the car park where there could be cars entering so I follow him and tell him it's dangerous and to get to the car. He then starts running round the car next to mine laughing hysterically. I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear. I eventually decide it's safer if I just outrun him round the car and get hold of him however as I turn round the car I slipped, fell and hurt my arm. I was livid. All knowledge of my discussions with school about our gentle approach went out the window and I yelled at him to get to the car. I then told him he would not be going to his friend's birthday party tomorrow (Saturday).

I was so upset on the drive home. I was beyond angry that I do so much for him and invest so much time in adopting the right parenting approach for him yet everything just turns to shit no matter how hard I try. Now I'm humiliated in front of the school mums that I fell over and I just want to hit hard with a consequence that will actually get through to him - not going to the party.

I chatted to my husband tonight and he thinks we should follow through with it. To teach him there are consequences for poor behaviour. I just feel so bad. I worry that if he is neurodiverse he won't understand the link between his behaviour and the consequence and will just be emotionally scarred that he'll be the only one not attending this party from his class. (I know for sure everyone out of his class is going - it's a tiny class).

AIBU - the consequence doesn't fit the crime so let him go to the party
AINBU - the consequence of not going to the party is suitable and I shouldn't let him go

Thanks for reading!

As you can see from my post, I don’t think it’s a great idea, but I do think it sounds as if the OP is on a learning curve with parenting at the moment and I would advise not making empty threats, which means she should follow through. Especially as it sounds like she is dealing with defiance. Empty threats can really escalate these behaviours.

She admits herself she regrets it, but recognises the conundrum she got herself into. She asked for opinions. I gave mine. My suggestion was then for a restorative conversation and a nice time at home precisely because I think the original consequence went too far.

I also don’t think having a nice time at home with your child is ever a bad idea?

He sounds very much like my ND 5yr old and there’s no way I’d be making him miss a school party. I’m also strict about things like safety and running in a car park is a huge no. He sounds very dysregulated and in an ideal world would be getting OT. I recommend the book ‘the out of sync child.’ Removing socialization is never something I’d do for my ND child and your child is already having SENCO involvement from school, they think more is going on too. It’s not his fault you fell and you shouldn’t have been running in a car park either, what’s your punishment? Your comment about being angry you invest so much time in parenting him and want to hit him with a hard punishment because you’re embarrassed is psycho. He’s your child you obviously have to parent, as we all do. I really doubt many parents even saw let alone cared.

You say STOP! Loudly rather than blathering on about consequences and then running around a car yourself and being pissed off you fell. Thereby punishing your child for something YOU ALSO DO.
Preventing party attendance is not a reasonable consequence at all

I meant shouldn’t make differences. Be consistent.

I still stand by not letting other people down as part of a punishment. She can start meaning what she says after this particular incident and not threaten knee jerk punishments.

In an ideal world you wouldn’t have threaten that, but given you have i think you need to follow through. DS1 was one of life’s boundaries pushers at that age and i learnt quickly that it didn’t really matter what the boundary/consequence was the key is that it was absolute.

And to hang with letting other people down? Very well thought out 🤨 Why should consequences negatively impact on other, innocent, people?

Really quite shocked at how blase people are about letting other people down.

Well, this thread is an eye-opener. Explains why we’re having such a nightmare dealing with poor behaviour in schools.

And if the child doesn't stop?

Its not an appropriate punishment, but now you've said it I'd say you have to follow through

Does it, how?

Oh dear, comprehension not a strong point eh? I never said she should let him carry on. In fact I didn’t address his behaviour directly at all. It seems to be you projecting there. I addressed her behaviour and response how she should be owning that rather than attributing blame
to her child. As the adult she ought to have developed control over her emotional responses, even in the moment.

She clearly needs more techniques to cope with dangerous and chaotic behaviour from her child but that isn’t the child’s fault either. She’s the parent and needs to learn how to handle him in traffic situations while handling her own emotions too. The child need to learn how to behave in traffic situations but with suspected ND that might take considerably longer than the typical child and at five it’s hit and miss with overwhelmed typical kids too.

if you don’t think 5 is tiny, I have to question whether you’ve actually got children at all or whether you’re advising someone based on some nostalgic sense of it was better in my day when parents beat the kids cos it did you no harm.

First thing I thought and I work in a secondary school.
Far too many namby-pamby attitudes. Not being able to link the poor behaviour with a consequence the following day? Sheesht, give me a break.

I notice that those of you who are advocating for the OP to be firm and stick to her guns are refusing to engage with the point from other posters that any consequence shouldn’t involve letting other people down? What about the birthday boy and his mum, who has paid for the OP’s DS to attend?

Is this a consequence for him running in the car park? Or a punishment because you publicly slipped and then lost your temper?

So many people saying declining the party is letting the birthday boy/parents down.

Come on now. If a child is generally naughty (aka "a tricky customer" who "struggles with impulse control"), everyone is usually quite relieved when they don't attend a party.

If he's neurodiverse he won't understand that you are punishing him for something he did the day before.

This would be exceptionally rude as the party is arranged and guests paid for and expected. This is not discipline, it’s lack of manners, lack of class, petty and spiteful

I think you should have kept him home from the party.

I also think you have to stop finding his 'cheeky' ways (running away from you, etc) 'mildly amusing'. Do not put up with cheeky ways at this young age, unless you want to end up dealing with 'cheeky ways' when he is a teenager and taller than you.

You're giving him very mixed messages by putting up with behaviour that is fundamentally unacceptable - the refusal to listen to you and accept that he answers to you is a big problem, and it needs to be addressed in a clear and consistent way. This means pulling him up on it every single time.

You're shielding him from understanding the effects of unacceptable behaviour if you spend a lot of energy trying to keep him from misbehaving, being grumpy, etc. The simple fact is that his behaviour is causing problems in the classroom and at home. You need to examine the contribution your patience and fear of confrontation is making to that situation. For your child's sake, you cannot give him mixed messages.

You got angry with him yesterday, and it doesn't matter why. You are now second guessing yourself and regretting losing your patience. Snap out of it.

You are allowed to feel the feelings you felt, and in fact, it is good for children to see clearly that they have crossed a line. Otherwise how are they to learn where the lines are? Who is running the show, you or him?

No dont do it, an earlier bedtime would be more appropriate. Think of his friend who will be disappointed if he doesn’t show up for his 5th birthday party and they have catered for the extra space?

I suspect they will survive.

Should the OP feel obliged to bring a child to a party despite a D&V bug, or any other illness, just because the party has been paid for?

The OP should offer to reimburse the host of the party, and send the present her child would have brought. That would be a win for everyone.

Isn't it just...

YANBU

You warned him if he didn't listen, he wouldn't go to his friend's party.
He didn't listen.
You follow through.

This is not OP’s problem - most parents would understand if they got a message saying ‘Tommy can’t make
it because he has been very badly behaved and we need to put some
consequences in place.’ Child also learns their behaviour impacts other people.

I thought this was a good read and is relevant regarding different parenting types.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/jan/29/the-rise-of-fafo-parenting-is-this-the-end-of-gentle-child-rearing