To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

[highhopes88]

My 5 year old son is a tricky customer. He's hilarious, outgoing, caring and imaginative but he struggles with his emotions and impulse control. He's in reception and his teacher is great at sharing strategies with us to help him with his emotional development and SENCO have given some tips too. At present they're not sure either way whether there is neurodiversity going on. Sometimes I think there might be, sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc. We don't know, and it's difficult because the obvious parenting strategies don't always work with him. We can't really use a 'hard-line' approach on anything because it's like a red rag to a bull. Instead we have to use a more gentle approach (not in the gentle parenting way before I get a million eye rolls!). I mean that instead of being direct with sanctions for poor behaviour, we have to give him time to cool off, think about his actions, then he'll seek us out and apologise and we'll discuss what he could do better next time. In the heat of the moment this strategy often feels counter-intuitive to us as if he's done something he definitely knows he shouldn't do and we feel like we should tell him off for it, we have to almost reign it in and explain what he did wrong etc and discuss how to improve next time. Does any of that make sense?!

ANYWAY today after school we were walking to the school car park and he said he didn't like the snack I'd brought him. I calmly said oh ok well next week let's talk about what we can have after school, anyway I've brought you a Freddo because it's Friday so you can have that. Almost as if he didn't actually hear the last part of the sentence he starts marching across the car park where there could be cars entering so I follow him and tell him it's dangerous and to get to the car. He then starts running round the car next to mine laughing hysterically. I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear. I eventually decide it's safer if I just outrun him round the car and get hold of him however as I turn round the car I slipped, fell and hurt my arm. I was livid. All knowledge of my discussions with school about our gentle approach went out the window and I yelled at him to get to the car. I then told him he would not be going to his friend's birthday party tomorrow (Saturday).

I was so upset on the drive home. I was beyond angry that I do so much for him and invest so much time in adopting the right parenting approach for him yet everything just turns to shit no matter how hard I try. Now I'm humiliated in front of the school mums that I fell over and I just want to hit hard with a consequence that will actually get through to him - not going to the party.

I chatted to my husband tonight and he thinks we should follow through with it. To teach him there are consequences for poor behaviour. I just feel so bad. I worry that if he is neurodiverse he won't understand the link between his behaviour and the consequence and will just be emotionally scarred that he'll be the only one not attending this party from his class. (I know for sure everyone out of his class is going - it's a tiny class).

AIBU - the consequence doesn't fit the crime so let him go to the party
AINBU - the consequence of not going to the party is suitable and I shouldn't let him go

Thanks for reading!

I think he’s just a boy being a boy, sitting in a classroom all day is not good for them they need to burn off energy, that’s all he was doing running round the car. Yeah it was dangerous, you told him, don’t extend the punishment to the party the next day, it should all be forgotten by then.
if he keeps doing it then yeah punish him but it has to be something immediate, not the next day or even promise a reward if he doesn’t do it the next day, rewards work better for kids than punishment.

Agree
your long and over wrought post shows clearly how desperate it is to parent different kids , I am really sick of the crappy battle between “gentle” parenting and being a “tough” parent . its so enraging as ND kids don’t respond to either most of the time it’s exhausting enough without people online telling you you are doing it “ all wrong “

you are clearly trying your best

please press on yourself with seeking a diagnosis as this can be helpful. The average waiting list is around 2-3 years so you need to push your g. P to get this done, my dd took 5 years till her EHCP funding and all that jazz was taken seriously by the school . At primary we were told “nah she doesn’t meet criteria for asd she’s just naughty “ so you may have to keep talking with the school

let him go and enjoy himself
best advise I can pass on is to focus on building a relaxed home and a trusting bond with your kid . Love and understanding first . In my experience as a SENco and parent of ND kids is vast vast majority of kids grow up to be sensible kind and decent members of society if they are from a loving caring home so focus on connecting with him rather than teaching him lessons xxx

Again, reimburse the cost of the place at the party and deliver the gift asap.

As your comment wrt D&V suggests, the party won't be a failure because one guest bowed out - and it really doesn't matter what the reason is.

Agree!

And no child will learn anything from an inconsistent or mixed message except that mum and dad don't know what they're doing.

I really think at this point in history we should be well beyond this lazy 'boy being a boy' trope.

Plenty of boys are well able to sit through a day in school and listen when their parents give them instructions.

It would be polite to make the call to the party hosts asap, reimburse the cost of the child's attendance at the party, and deliver the gift.

I agree he has been getting away with far too much, and has made a rod for her own back.

I disagree that every decision about punishment has to be perfectly calibrated. It's OK to get angry with a child and to show him that his mother has feelings too. It is really important for children to learn that their parents have limits, and to start thinking that they are not going to be endlessly patient. This is how children learn cause and effect.

It's really important for parents who have smiled indulgently at their children's irritating behaviour to experience the consequences of their choices too. Other parents have been seeing and probably judging the interactions between parent and 'cheeky' child for months or even years.

But you're still hacked off about it all these years later?

I hope your son has been allowed to put the disaster firmly in the rearview mirror and move on with his life.

There are no natural consequences apart from unthinkable ones for a child running out of control in a car park.

And fwiw, natural consequences as a means of helping children become socialised and navigate dangerous landscapes isn't all that. Child psychologists are as guilty of falling into line behind fads and fashions as wedding dress designers are.

Agree.

Parents who struggle with boundaries and never want their children to feel sad will most likely get a massive wake-up call when their children are teens and things really get hard.

Parents of 1-2 children often seem to get lucky with their child’s temperament but every family with 3 or more seems to have at least one really tricky child.

I have 4 DC aged 19 to 12 years, DD2 was tremendously difficult at 14 years (seems to be a hard age for girls). We were very very strict about expectations and behaviour and 3 1/2 years later she’s done so well and I’m so proud of her. We had a year of angry, deregulated behaviour and school refusal. By year 10 things were better and she’s now graduated year 12, got into the Aus uni course and college she carefully chose, achieved the academic requirements of higher than top 1% in the country as well as competed in her sport nationally. She is making piles of clothes to take and letting me know what we still need to buy her 🙄 as I type this.

If she’d had her way, she would have dropped out of school and would mainly be in her room while life happened around her and friends drifted away. And yes, for that year, sending her to school when she didn’t want to go made her sad, angry and anxious and she wasn’t happy with us, as her parents. It was extremely stressful and it would have been easier to give in to her.

In retrospect, I would have done some things differently over that year but I wouldn’t have been less strict. The other 3 children are much easier though.

I'm not going to repeat other people. You already know. My thoughts would be to give him a snack at the school door. Something energy dense but longer lasting, such as a flapjack. Also, a drink. Dehydration affects behaviour too.

If the walk to the car is tricky, can you play a game? Perhaps he has to spot certain things.

If he's being a danger near the road, you may need to use a wrist strap. It's never safe to increase the energy by running after him.

The party as been and gone & I think you made the right choice. Not because I think the punishment would be harsh on your boy but because by default the party child is also being punished.

out of curiosity what was more effective. The yelling or the calmer explanation on why he’s being dangerous? There are some situations where you need to yell so the severity of what they’re doing can be felt. If you don’t yell all the time it will be effective. My son was talking to me like crap whilst on holiday he was about 9 or 10 and very much starting to realise more about his surroundings. He kept being disrespectful where people were noticing and looking. So I said calmly 3 times keep talking like that and I’m really going to shout at you. He actually mocked me and repeated what I said and ended it with I don’t care. So I shouted really loud how dare you talk to me that way you, I’m your mother and I will not tolerate that behaviour. He was horrified when everyone turned to look. He was really embarrassed. Some of my gentle parenting friends think I was harsh but I don’t. He has to know how his behaviour affects others. People could hear how he was talking, some even tutting and despite telling him gently how this was embarrassing for the both of us he wouldn’t stop so I had to make him feel how his behaviour is making other feel. My husband was also unhappy how I dealt with it but I didn’t care. I don’t know those people and I thought the lesson was more important than the awkwardness. My son has never done that again. Don’t get me wrong he can still be disrespectful but he doesn’t dare do that in public

Sorry you’re having such a rough time at the moment. Mine is younger but I can completely imagine him being similar at age five.

I found the book, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, really accessible and useful. Down to earth approaches and a real emphasis on meeting kids where they’re at developmentally.

Thanks for all the replies. He went to the party, I ate humble pie, I explained and reinforced the dangers of car parks and why I reacted the way I did. It felt like a really constructive learning experience for the both of us to be honest!

In response to a couple of comments regarding my son having SEN, i don’t think that school offering strategies from the SENCO necessarily mean that they suspect SEN. They said this themselves when I asked. At his age he is still developing his emotional regulation and SENCO can help with that whether it’s just a typical developmental stage or not. The school he attends is small so they are not overstretched at all.

Whatever happens I like to think my husband and I are supporting my son as much as we possibly can to ensure he is a happy, thriving five year old. Friday was a bit of a blip, I got hurt and probably felt mad at myself for dropping the ball. I always apologise to my kids if I’m ever in the wrong as I come from a family where that never happened and I know how damaging it can be. I take on board what a couple of posters said about me giving mixed messages. I’ll try not to do that going forward. I’ve always found my son really funny, he’s a character and has been through a fair bit medically so perhaps I’ve unintentionally sometimes been a bit too lackadaisical.

I’ll work on this!

cheers everyone

Oops lackadaisical was NOT the right word 😂
I meant laid back. I don’t even know where that word came from 😂

Wow! Calling a 5 year old a cunt ! Wow are you having a bad morning ? Are you ok - serious question are you ok ?

The fact you feel it is appropriate to call any child a cunt means maybe you need some discipline. Disgusting behaviour. Do better.

There have been many other threads when a parent has declared a massive punishment on the spur of the moment, such as not letting their child go to a party, or cancelling the child's own party, usually with replies of "your DC will remember it for the rest of their life" versus "you said it, you must follow through" (I agree with the former; I'm still bearing a grudge about certain childhood punishments imposed practically on a whim, which my parents have forgotten, but I haven't).

My question is: what do such parents do when there isn't a party to snatch away?

I think you overreacted in banning him from the party in the first place. I think you now need to be extremely careful that he doesn't see you as a pushover who imposes punishments but doesn't actually carry them out.

I think you may have gone a little too far into gentle parenting already and are raising a son who is quite aware he can get away with all sorts of stuff with no consequence beyond a few calm words. You're unaccustomed to giving proper punishments so in this case, when one was actually needed, you overreacted and went too far.

I did not see that coming! Bad morning? 🤣

Your first approach sounds great. I would have a chat with him, explain you lost your temper because you were hurt and you said something you didn’t mean. Explain to him why you were cross - because you want to keep him safe and make a plan together to do so - maybe he needs to hold hands when he’s excited. Of course let him go to the party - particularly if he is neurodivergent, you’ll need to nurture those social connections. Don’t punish him because you’re embarrassed.

My point is that the birthday boy’s mum will understand in those circumstances, and won’t want the boy to be there. But the other mum using the party invite as a means to punish her DS is completely unnecessary when there are many other ways she could use to punish him, without upsetting the birthday boy’s or inconveniencing the other mum.

I agree that it’s inconsiderate to other people. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be a consequence for a child who misbehaves, of course there should be, if the action warrants it.

I'd have taken the Freddo straight off him but the party would be too much.

I'm glad it all went well and you managed to talk to him about the dangers of the road

But I will say just for the future next time, be careful when you issue threats and only issue them if you have full intention of following through no backsies

Bottom line is nobody even remembers a week later. People have lives.