To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

[highhopes88]

My 5 year old son is a tricky customer. He's hilarious, outgoing, caring and imaginative but he struggles with his emotions and impulse control. He's in reception and his teacher is great at sharing strategies with us to help him with his emotional development and SENCO have given some tips too. At present they're not sure either way whether there is neurodiversity going on. Sometimes I think there might be, sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc. We don't know, and it's difficult because the obvious parenting strategies don't always work with him. We can't really use a 'hard-line' approach on anything because it's like a red rag to a bull. Instead we have to use a more gentle approach (not in the gentle parenting way before I get a million eye rolls!). I mean that instead of being direct with sanctions for poor behaviour, we have to give him time to cool off, think about his actions, then he'll seek us out and apologise and we'll discuss what he could do better next time. In the heat of the moment this strategy often feels counter-intuitive to us as if he's done something he definitely knows he shouldn't do and we feel like we should tell him off for it, we have to almost reign it in and explain what he did wrong etc and discuss how to improve next time. Does any of that make sense?!

ANYWAY today after school we were walking to the school car park and he said he didn't like the snack I'd brought him. I calmly said oh ok well next week let's talk about what we can have after school, anyway I've brought you a Freddo because it's Friday so you can have that. Almost as if he didn't actually hear the last part of the sentence he starts marching across the car park where there could be cars entering so I follow him and tell him it's dangerous and to get to the car. He then starts running round the car next to mine laughing hysterically. I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear. I eventually decide it's safer if I just outrun him round the car and get hold of him however as I turn round the car I slipped, fell and hurt my arm. I was livid. All knowledge of my discussions with school about our gentle approach went out the window and I yelled at him to get to the car. I then told him he would not be going to his friend's birthday party tomorrow (Saturday).

I was so upset on the drive home. I was beyond angry that I do so much for him and invest so much time in adopting the right parenting approach for him yet everything just turns to shit no matter how hard I try. Now I'm humiliated in front of the school mums that I fell over and I just want to hit hard with a consequence that will actually get through to him - not going to the party.

I chatted to my husband tonight and he thinks we should follow through with it. To teach him there are consequences for poor behaviour. I just feel so bad. I worry that if he is neurodiverse he won't understand the link between his behaviour and the consequence and will just be emotionally scarred that he'll be the only one not attending this party from his class. (I know for sure everyone out of his class is going - it's a tiny class).

AIBU - the consequence doesn't fit the crime so let him go to the party
AINBU - the consequence of not going to the party is suitable and I shouldn't let him go

Thanks for reading!

I would have done this. No discussions with an overexcited child running around in a car park.

This stood out to me too.

You would normally find his misbehaving funny OP? No wonder he doesn't take you seriously when you try to stop him.
Children need consistency, he's not going to understand the nuance that in this particular place mum gets angry when I do this, but elsewhere it's funny.

I am blown away by the parents on here who would try to reason/negotiate with an overtired, overexcited boy running around cars in a busy school car park.

This is how children get run over and die. He clearly has NO sense of road safety. I would have grabbed him, put him in the car and given him a stern telling off on the way home. Having done that, I would have let him go to the party.

I agree with other commenters. It appears that you have decided to let him go, which is the right thing to do. If not, you probably need to give your head a wobble and give your husbands a shake too. Let him enjoy the party, get some advice regarding behavior.

It would be incredibly rude to skip a party when you accepted the invitation already. That would have an impact on lots of other people. I certainly wouldn't rush to ask your son again if you stop him coming for other reasons. It's not like he looked you on the eye and then smashed a window .

To be fair to your child there was actual devilry in the air yesterday. I teach children slightly older than yours and yesterday afternoon was hell. The children were tired, miserable, mean to each other, constantly falling out and when we took them outside for an extra play as they’d had a wet playtime, half of them fell over or knocked into each other and I spent more time doing first aid than anything else! By about 1:30 I was begging for the day to end and the children kept asking how much longer til home time in a rather desperate way. So cut the boy some slack!

I can hear how hard you try OP. How you try to incorporate all the right parenting strategies to do the best for your child.

But sometimes, I think it’s good for a child to see and feel your raw emotion when something dangerous like this happens. It helps their developing awareness.

You fell over and hurt yourself in front of him in a dangerous spot with cars coming and going. As well as being afraid and hurt, you were angry and upset (livid) and momentarily slightly out of control, yelling at him to get into the car. I think that’s a natural response before then controlling your own impulses and driving home.

At five years old I would expect a certain reaction from my son if he had witnessed this response in me. Was he shocked, upset, concerned for you at all, even in a small, just starting to develop empathy type of way? -Did he immediately do as he was told and get into the car, sensing or suspecting suddenly that this was serious and he might have done wrong. Or was he completely unaware - still unable to make the link between his messing around and you having to chase him to keep him safe and then hurting yourself and yelling uncharacteristically.
If the latter, I would be concerned.

Either way, I would be having a very serious talk this morning about his behaviour. I would be letting him know, without blaming him, how dangerous a situation it was and could have been. And how hurt, and how very upset you were.
If he is able to take that in seriously and properly, I would make future car park rules and expectations very clear, get his agreement to remember and apply them for the future then hug and make up and find ways for him to help out a little bit before the party. He simply has to slow down at key times and listen to instructions and I would make that my priority, knowing he needs lots of practise.

On the other hand, if you sense that he still isn’t taking in the gravity of your take on what happened, in spite of your sadness and hurt, I would still do exactly the same ….that is lay down firm rules, then hug and find a couple of helpful easy jobs for him to achieve before the party. But I would also try to talk again to the SEN lead at school with your concerns.

It isn’t about punishing him, it’s about guiding him firmly and confidently. But if you suspect neurodiversity, you do need to learn about that and the extra strategies and work that has to be done to help his development and to keep him …all of you…. safe.

Good luck OP. You sound like a lovely mum.

My son is now on the SEND register at his school for 'traits of adhd', now on the waiting list. He's 7 now, and school raised their concerns the Feb of Reception, he had just turned 5. Since then I have been diagnosed with adhd, which has been really useful as I've learnt way more about adhd since my summer diagnosis just by understanding myself more and reassessing why I do things a certain way. I'm a secondary teacher who would have said before that I was extremely knowledgeable about adhd and autism. So strange thinking that now. I've changed my mindset completely as a parent in the last 2 years. Still slip up though!

I would absolutely stick with your consequence. 100%. He could have been bloody run over!
Maybe next time he’ll remember.
You are doing yourself - and him - no favours if you don’t follow this through.

No you are wrong, not going to the party is incredibly rude and disrespectful to the mother and child of the party. Why do you think that is ok? There are other solutions that don’t involve punishing others.

As the parents of the birthday child, i wouldn't be impressed if I spent £20 per head for a child to not show up because the parents used it as a consequence. Punishing the birthday child and parents doesn't make sense. Mum reacted in anger, we have all done it, doesn't mean you can't rethink you're behaviour and make a better choice. Afterall, we are saving a 5 year made a bad choice in the moment and needs to rethink his behaviour.

I put YANBU because you did nothing wrong, you're human and got cross when your child was in danger and you were humiliated. We don't always get things right as we are human beings. Your parenting approach is perfect for a potentially ND child but when they are a danger to themselves or others we do need to take a stronger more forceful approach, of course we do.

I do think you should let him go to the party though. Punishment a day later isn't great, we say things in the heat of the moment that we regret and you aren't being soft to now let him go. Explain why you took the approach you did and please forgive yourself.

I always try to use natural consequences eg misbehave at soft play = we wont go back there at the weekend, rather than arbitrary punishment

Missing the party would be unfair on birthday child

Social ties are so important. I wouldn't give a punishment that limits his social interaction. It's hard to be the only child in a small class who did not attend a party.

When this happened at my ds’s party (and it was his best friend), I was very unimpressed with the mother. I was furious at the mother, my son cried at his own party because of it. I just thought it was a douche thing to do as it punishes the party kid and is like a two fingers up at the parent who organised and paid for party.

I’m of the persuasion that if you’ve said it, you should follow through. Though, I’d caveat it with so long as it doesn’t become a punishment for the birthday child (ie your son is their best friend and really wanted at the party).

He sounds like a very loved little boy. Speak to him about the danger of running in the car park. Does he understand that this was dangerous/scared you? Explain that’s why he’s not going to the party, but you can do something nice together in the home.

EDIT to add, in future, try not to make these sort of unattached consequences in the moment. But I completely get why it happened. That was a very stressful situation. The more you do it, the better you will get at “natural consequences”.

Neurodivergent or not, if you dont follow through you're doing him no favours longterm. He was very in the wrong and now there are consequences. You still love him. Dont feel guilty.

What is your stance on letting other people down if you follow through with it?

Yeah a delayed punishment isn't going to work and any consequence needs to be immediate. If the party was going to be a reward for good behaviour then this would have needed to have been made clear from the moment the invite was given, and for him to have visuals to see him earning this reward. You would also have needed the opportunity for him to earn it back, so if he didn't do something then for him to fix the mistake and be back on track to attend.

If he is a flight risk then I would suggest talking to school about collection arrangements. The younger and higher need children where I work will sometimes use reins (I know this might be unpopular but this is what their parents choose, especially when they have other children to walk home too) or for those who go in the car then the collection times are staggered so parents can drive into the staff car park and collect at the door. If you feel your son is at risk of dangerous behaviour in the road and in a car park maybe have a word with the school about how you can arrange to pick him up safely.

If he's generally poorly behaved when you pick him up you need to incentivise the behaviour you want. So clearly explain what you expect, reward him when he complies. And be consistent. Every day when you first meet him after school, now you are going to hold my hand, we are going to walk to the car, we are going to get in the car. It's very boring but he will comply. Reward is snack in the car or a sticker, if he doesn't behave, no sticker. I would choose a sticker for the reward because food should just be food. I would take him to the party but explain that from Monday there's a new system in place.

I think that is a rubbish punishment. Do you not care about letting other people down? How is doing something nice at home instead of going to the party good advice?

You as a parent create the conditions where they have no free reign to be messing around in dangerous situations and you don’t have to punish them in the first place.

Stern tone about what you expect, scary description of what happens to children that get knocked over by cars, iron grip on their arm, calm serious face whilst walking. If they piss about then you give them an age appropriate bollocking and let them know how disappointed they’ve made mummy.

This

You say you find it mildly amusing when he runs away from you @highhopes88

why?

its not funny or safe

This.

The end point is that your child appreciates that messing around in busy car parks is very dangerous and won’t be tolerated.

If they get it wrong and you’re cross and they are saddened by your reaction they’re more likely to remember how serious it is.

There is so much talking and explaining recommended on here and also in the OP’s description of how she reacts to him - this child is 5 and the OP said he is impulsive and struggles to listen to instructions.

I would given him simple instructions, i would not apologise if i angrily reacted to him exhibiting dangerous behaviour and I would do a firm grip and be ready to grab with car parks in future.