To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

[highhopes88]

My 5 year old son is a tricky customer. He's hilarious, outgoing, caring and imaginative but he struggles with his emotions and impulse control. He's in reception and his teacher is great at sharing strategies with us to help him with his emotional development and SENCO have given some tips too. At present they're not sure either way whether there is neurodiversity going on. Sometimes I think there might be, sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc. We don't know, and it's difficult because the obvious parenting strategies don't always work with him. We can't really use a 'hard-line' approach on anything because it's like a red rag to a bull. Instead we have to use a more gentle approach (not in the gentle parenting way before I get a million eye rolls!). I mean that instead of being direct with sanctions for poor behaviour, we have to give him time to cool off, think about his actions, then he'll seek us out and apologise and we'll discuss what he could do better next time. In the heat of the moment this strategy often feels counter-intuitive to us as if he's done something he definitely knows he shouldn't do and we feel like we should tell him off for it, we have to almost reign it in and explain what he did wrong etc and discuss how to improve next time. Does any of that make sense?!

ANYWAY today after school we were walking to the school car park and he said he didn't like the snack I'd brought him. I calmly said oh ok well next week let's talk about what we can have after school, anyway I've brought you a Freddo because it's Friday so you can have that. Almost as if he didn't actually hear the last part of the sentence he starts marching across the car park where there could be cars entering so I follow him and tell him it's dangerous and to get to the car. He then starts running round the car next to mine laughing hysterically. I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear. I eventually decide it's safer if I just outrun him round the car and get hold of him however as I turn round the car I slipped, fell and hurt my arm. I was livid. All knowledge of my discussions with school about our gentle approach went out the window and I yelled at him to get to the car. I then told him he would not be going to his friend's birthday party tomorrow (Saturday).

I was so upset on the drive home. I was beyond angry that I do so much for him and invest so much time in adopting the right parenting approach for him yet everything just turns to shit no matter how hard I try. Now I'm humiliated in front of the school mums that I fell over and I just want to hit hard with a consequence that will actually get through to him - not going to the party.

I chatted to my husband tonight and he thinks we should follow through with it. To teach him there are consequences for poor behaviour. I just feel so bad. I worry that if he is neurodiverse he won't understand the link between his behaviour and the consequence and will just be emotionally scarred that he'll be the only one not attending this party from his class. (I know for sure everyone out of his class is going - it's a tiny class).

AIBU - the consequence doesn't fit the crime so let him go to the party
AINBU - the consequence of not going to the party is suitable and I shouldn't let him go

Thanks for reading!

He's young, neurodiverse and tired from school. I would wonder if he was really capable of controlling his impulse control at that point? The solution is to do things differently, can you hold his hand on the way to the car, or have something enticing he can access when he gets it?

I think that punishing him for something he can't control is pointless, and even if you think he did have control, a punishment the next day is likely too far apart from the offence to have an impact.

Also, it sounds like you're punishing him for you falling, which was actually not his fault. He didn't intend for you to fall, and I doubt he had the mental capacity to understand it was a risk.

Not letting him go to his friend's party and too harsh and over the top.

Easily done in the heat of the moment and I've done it myself but once I've calmed down and had a think about it I came up with a more fitting punishment usually a list of jobs to do instead.

Love this

Just a tiny tip but often a child's hand can be quite difficult to hold firmly, it's small, they can be hot and sweaty and wriggly. Much more effective to hold him above the wrist, on the lower forearm, you have a much more secure hold there and it's almost impossible for them to wriggle out of it.

What happened on the way home in the car? Did you say anything? Did he? Did he show any concern that you'd fallen?

Also...stop berating yourself. He was behaving like a little shit. And today you got angry. It happens. An infrequent bollocking won't put him in therapy when he's in his 30's. You're not perfect. And that's okay.

Tomorrow is another day.

I'd send him to the party. He's 5. He's too young to connect the punishment with the crime. Unfortunately!!

Five's so small. I don't know how to tell a 5 year old with ADHD from one without it, especially at the end of the school week. It won't achieve anything in terms of his behaviour for him not to go, he'll just be sad. I'd let him go.

Totally understand why you were pissed off and embarrassed but when I have seen stuff like this I have only ever felt solidarity towards a fellow mum having a shit day.

I know this isn’t massively relevant…. But my kids never did like a Freddo. I don’t think you are going to get great behaviour for 2nd tier choc.

Whats the problem with him being sad? Being sad is normal when one encounters disappointment. And he will learn that his disappointment is a result of his actions.
Shielding him from sadness means that when he is older and he experiences true sadness due to his behaviour, he will fall apart. As a PP said, this is why we have an entire generation with anxiety and anger that manifests as they get older and independent without mummy and daddy there to save them, but havent been given the tools to deal with real life.

A parent who attempts to prevent their child from ever feeling a negative emotion from the consequences of their actions is a bad parent.

She wasn’t hurt because of his behaviour, she was hurt because of her behaviour in response to his. That is on her she’s the adult.

it took years of therapy to stop blaming myself for other people’s choices and reactions because my mum did and still does blame others (usually me) for her own bad choices and reactions.

Own it OP you fucked up in response to a tiny child. You’re human we’ve all struggled and lost it. The school mums wont be talking about you because you fell, they’ll be talking about you because you angrily blamed your five year old for your falling.

So she shoud have done what exactly? Let him carry on until he got injured? Or until the owner of the other car came back and wanted to move their car? And then what....say "Oh I am sorry, my child is just running off their energy and emotionally resetting himself?"

I can see that going really well with someone who's child isnt being a pain in the arse and perhaps has another child to pick up in 10 mins.

At some point the child needed restraining because he refused to listen to his mother, and that is what she did and in the process she got hurt, It is 100% on him because if he hadnt misbehaved the none of it would have happened.

Btw, 5 is not tiny and you should maybe stop projecting.

Anyway now you said it you have to follow through. He’s not going

I've never believed this is the right approach with my DC. Being able to admit, and explain, to a child that you got it a bit wrong, and you've realised that there's a better solution, is really important.

Following through with an outcome that you already believe to be the wrong one seems to be a slightly odd example to set.

Oh OP I get it. I am a very patient parent usually, but my kid often accidentally hurts me and in those moments its normal for us to feel like a wounded animal and bark back! I explain afterwards and we both apologise for our own behaviours. However I also am less gentle when it comes to real safety. There is overwhelmed throwing themselves about which is not dangerous, and then theres running around in a busy car park which is. In those situations I am not afraid to be more stern and make sure they do as I ask, and that they will have a defined consequence if not. You can have different approaches for different behaviours, but consequences based on our own emotions, or that don't naturally follow the behaviour you want to change, just won't work.

Edit to add: it can be helpful to have a list of potential natural consequences in your head ready. You can think about them when you're calm and objective, and not in the heat of the moment.

If possible I would walk home with him, rather than driving. It would naturally release some of his energy & calm him down. It also gives you a great opportunity to talk about his day. He can have his snack enroute.

Parenting courses say punishment linked to the crime

This type of thing, running around and messing about in a dangerous situation with traffic etc is exactly the kind of thing I sometimes have to deal with too and I just don’t know what an ‘on the spot’ punishment related to the behaviour could be. What kind of thing? In general I really struggle to think of consequences for all kinds of things that can be immediate and/or related to the wrongdoing. Welcome any tips!

He’s very young and they do act silly at that age. With kindness, your fall isn’t directly his fault. Young kids are hard work. Hope your arm is ok. Sounds like a tough day for you. When you’re both snuggled up in bed together and feeling peaceful, mention how important it is not to run away in car parks. Enjoy the party.

This!

It happened. You weren't happy with the way you handled it. You've come on here to ask for advice and seem to have taken it on board and have changed your approach. We all have up and down days with our kids and we're human so will make lots of mistakes. But it sounds like you are doing lots as it is so don't be too hard on yourself, you've got enough people doing that on here already.

It's a new day tomorrow (or today - as I'm writing this at silly-o'clock).

Just talk to him about the party and a couple of simple clear expectations. Btw I hope he has a great time at the party!

I would look up natural consequences, logical/related consequences, and pre agreed consequences. Also, positive consequences. You could frame not going to the party as a logical consequence, but you would have to make that link clear to him.

Running around in a carpark is really unsafe and I would be saying to him if when you're out of the house and he won't listen to you, then he won't be safe, which means you can't take him out. If you can trust him to listen, then he will be allowed out. There doesn't have to be anger and punishment vibes involved, view it as in his best interests.

Time to cool down before thinking about what can be done better next time is great stuff. Brains can't really think logically when they're angry/upset, anyway. But once he is calm, you can say (for example) "Next time you throw something hard in the house, we will have to put all your hard toys away in the cupboard until you are big enough to play safely with them". Then if it happens you calmly follow through and reassure him that he can have them back when you can trust he won't throw them.

Positive consequences are great, too. We really focus on those with our son (who sounds a bit like yours, perhaps a more under control/easier controlled version).

For the record, it's absolutely fine to shout in a firm way if they are being unsafe (ie running around in a carpark). You save your shouty loud 'I am not fucking around' voice for this instance. You want them to stop dead in their tracks, DNGAF what anyone else thinks. A loud and serious "STOP". One loud enough to make everyone stop and turn their heads. Keep your kid safe and nobody will think you're a shit parent.

Absolutely unreasonable. No way does the consequence fit the crime - it’s far too severe. And also there is no link between what happened and the consequence.

Also as you’ve said, part of the issue is that you’re embarrassed because you fell, but neither of those things are his fault - he can’t help your feelings and he didn’t cause the fall.

Also, I think sometimes parents forget that missing a party as a consequence is also a punishment to the birthday child as well, not just your own child. Imagine if no-one turned up because all of their parents decided that they’d been too badly behaved.

There’s nothing amusing about him running away from you. He needs more discipline.

“ gentle approach”

and there lies the problem!

YABU this is way OTT

Neurodivergent. Not neurodiverse.

Neurodiverse = a population of individuals of varying neurotypes, this can include both neurotypical and neurodivergent people.

Neurodivergent = an individual who is not neurotypical ie differs from the accepted norm.

You say you can’t use a hardline approach with him as it’s a red flag to a bull but I would suggest you get over that and let his natural immediate anger at whatever it is play out.

All kids need boundaries and consequences. I work in a school and the amount of kids who’ve never heard the word no at home is shameful. Agree with PP that the lack of firm boundaries is causing them mental health problems and no SEND isn’t an excuse.

Running away in a car park is never okay and i always shouted at my kids for anything near a road/ cars. Frankly they’re audhd daydreamers who need to cop on.

So your child was angry at your snack, rude about it so you offered him chocolate.
reception age kids do explode after school that’s normal and you can gently hold space for that - being rude however, gets no alternative snack and no chocolate. I’ve never tolerated being spoken to disrespectfully by my kids. i’m their mother, they don’t get to treat me like that. They’re audhd but there’s a huge difference between being in crisis/ overwhelmed/ stimming. Just becuase I know why they struggle sometimes with impulse control etc doesn’t mean they don’t face consequences / have to behave. I’m audhd and I learnt to control myself and behave because no one made excuses for me the whole time growing up.

Punishments shouldn’t put someone out so using someone else’s birthday party is not a suitable consequence.
he also wasn’t given a warning that this would be the consequence -if you warned him and he continued to misbehave then I would think you must carry through with it