To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

[highhopes88]

My 5 year old son is a tricky customer. He's hilarious, outgoing, caring and imaginative but he struggles with his emotions and impulse control. He's in reception and his teacher is great at sharing strategies with us to help him with his emotional development and SENCO have given some tips too. At present they're not sure either way whether there is neurodiversity going on. Sometimes I think there might be, sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc. We don't know, and it's difficult because the obvious parenting strategies don't always work with him. We can't really use a 'hard-line' approach on anything because it's like a red rag to a bull. Instead we have to use a more gentle approach (not in the gentle parenting way before I get a million eye rolls!). I mean that instead of being direct with sanctions for poor behaviour, we have to give him time to cool off, think about his actions, then he'll seek us out and apologise and we'll discuss what he could do better next time. In the heat of the moment this strategy often feels counter-intuitive to us as if he's done something he definitely knows he shouldn't do and we feel like we should tell him off for it, we have to almost reign it in and explain what he did wrong etc and discuss how to improve next time. Does any of that make sense?!

ANYWAY today after school we were walking to the school car park and he said he didn't like the snack I'd brought him. I calmly said oh ok well next week let's talk about what we can have after school, anyway I've brought you a Freddo because it's Friday so you can have that. Almost as if he didn't actually hear the last part of the sentence he starts marching across the car park where there could be cars entering so I follow him and tell him it's dangerous and to get to the car. He then starts running round the car next to mine laughing hysterically. I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear. I eventually decide it's safer if I just outrun him round the car and get hold of him however as I turn round the car I slipped, fell and hurt my arm. I was livid. All knowledge of my discussions with school about our gentle approach went out the window and I yelled at him to get to the car. I then told him he would not be going to his friend's birthday party tomorrow (Saturday).

I was so upset on the drive home. I was beyond angry that I do so much for him and invest so much time in adopting the right parenting approach for him yet everything just turns to shit no matter how hard I try. Now I'm humiliated in front of the school mums that I fell over and I just want to hit hard with a consequence that will actually get through to him - not going to the party.

I chatted to my husband tonight and he thinks we should follow through with it. To teach him there are consequences for poor behaviour. I just feel so bad. I worry that if he is neurodiverse he won't understand the link between his behaviour and the consequence and will just be emotionally scarred that he'll be the only one not attending this party from his class. (I know for sure everyone out of his class is going - it's a tiny class).

AIBU - the consequence doesn't fit the crime so let him go to the party
AINBU - the consequence of not going to the party is suitable and I shouldn't let him go

Thanks for reading!

I agree that it is too harsh, there was no warning and it’s too far away from the behaviour.

I once had a 5 year old who was very like this. The problem I found, was that when he was in a mood like that he just wasn’t taking in anything I was saying.

You need to react as calmly and firmly as you can in the moment. But do the real work afterwards when he calms down. Talk to him about how he was in a mood where he wasn’t controlling his arms and legs. Be very clear about the expectations of coming out of school next time. If you use consequences, keep them small and something you have clearly stated before hand , and something you can add on to. So 15 minutes less TV. This gives him a chance to behave. Before you take another 15 minutes off.

But personally I would be using carrots rather than sticks to get an over tired, overwrought small boy home calmly after school. a biscuit in the car, his favourite TV straight at home. Lots of reminders on what you expect from him.

Anyway / that is just some stuff that worked for me. He’s 10 now and an absolutely great boy.

Its not a consequence but a punishment with no connection to his behaviour and it will not "get through". He is still a small child and knowing something isnt right doesnt make him not do it.

I couldn't agree more, I have a 4 (nearly 5) year old DD in reception.

Me and Dh have very different styles, I'm quite hardline when I need to be, not all the time, I'm fun mum most the time, and usually achieve results using that, but as soon as any messing around happens, continual not listening, being disrespectful, doing the opposite of what's told etc, I have zero tolerance for it, I have a serious voice/tone, and she knows what it means, there will sometimes be meltdowns as she pushes boundaries, but I never back down and never have, and although I normally use methods to de-escalate, there are consequences for ignoring the serious voice once it does come out.

DH on the other hand is wishy washy, wants a quiet life, never implements consequences, or tells her off even, no serious voice, I find it extremely frustrating that he refuses to consider using consistent techniques that help her learn boundaries, and instead he gets angry and annoyed at her for "not listening to him", then if she screams/shouts loud enough he usually retreats altogether! I used to step in on his behalf, but I don't anymore, I'm actually fed up of being the bad cop, so unless it is a safety issue I leave him to his ineffective parenting in the hope he'll realise one day where he is going wrong.

Your punishment is definitely too severe for what is essentially a behaviour which you have no consequences for . In fact you say you find it amusing when he runs away from you, so it's almost been encouraged, you need to find your serious voice, especially for safety issues.

So many experts here tonight. I promise you op none of them have a clue. They’ve read text book airy fairy stuff I think!
Routine and immediate consequence. Enforce boundaries. It does not look the same as raising nt children. Non negotiables, resets. So many phrases when dealing with behaviour.

You’ve not missed a chance. You can just start over again next week.

Sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc.

What does ‘the fact he’s a boy’ have to do with anything?
I find that ‘typical boy’ stereotype very tiring and perpetuates a myth that boys are inherently more badly behaved than girls and therefore excused as something they can’t help. Such a limiting attitude. Boys are absolutely as capable of listening and good behaviour as girls. I find it interesting that the “Well, he is a boy” attitude suggests the same behaviour wouldn’t be accepted from a girl. What are we teaching our children?

Anyway, your child is 5 years old and this behaviour is not wildly out of the ordinary for his age.
He needs you and dad to be clear and consistent with your expectations and have age appropriate consequences when he crosses the boundaries. Even if there is SEN need, boundaries and consistency is crucial.

Judging by the poll and the comments this wont be popular but I do not think he should go the party.

Firstly, you told him a consequence. By not seeing it through you will lose all credibility. He will take nothing you say seriously again.

Secondly, and I am sorry to be so blunt but, he sounds like an indulged little sod who needs a few hard lessons. Teaching isnt working, it doesnt with some kids, so a "right, you were told, you didnt listen so here is what happens as a result". His actions resulted in danger for him and an injury for you, there is no way on earth he deserves to go to that party.

He is 5, more than old enough to understand what he did. Four of my six children are ND, another has learning difficulties due to brain damage, but they all knew what the rules were and had no trouble following them. They also all knew that not following the rules (not onerous, mainly about their own and others safety) would have consequences.

You are being way too soft with him and need to harden up a bit. ND is no excuse for bad behaviour of the sort you describe. A meltdown due to emotional disregulation is one thing, but he was being a little shit.

Not letting him go to the party isn’t really fair on the party child, nor the parent that’s paying for the party. Or the child that didn’t get invited because of numbers.
Find a punishment that only affects your son.

Don't be so hard on yourself OP. Sounds like things can be challenging at times and you are working really hard to find strategies that work and also trying to do the right thing by him - hence the post here for advice.

Of course you should let him go! And you should apologize for telling him he couldn’t, and for yelling at him - both cruel and unnecessary.

There is nothing wrong with you son, his behavior is age appropriate and he was simply disregulated.

There is nothing novel about letting a child calm down and regulate before trying to discus their behavior. It is literally impossible for their brains to process language when they are overrun by emotion and dysregulated.

There is so much reading you and your husband can (and really need to!) do.

Avoid labeling behavior ‘good’ or bad, learn about natural consequences not random punishments, priorities connection and stop pathologising typical 5yo behavior and adjust your expectations.

How to Talk so Kids will listen
Hunt, Gather, Parent
No Bad Kids, Janet Lansbury
Calm parents happy children

You are actually punishing the birthday child by removing your child from the party and potentially letting down a parent who may have paid out £££ for his place. Punishments should never be visited the next day and should always be proportionate. Removing your child from a party because you fell over is not a natural consequence. Five-year-olds can be utter dickheads, especially after a full week of school. Personally, I would never chase a child around a car park as chase is just a fun game when you’re five.

Also, a young child running around isnt bad behaviour. Its them naturally regulating their overloaded nervous system after all day or all week at school. Its very difficult for them to stop doing it as their body is longing for that release of tension. Is there a place you can let him burn his energy before getting into the car? Do you need to go by car at all? Learn some strategies/exercises to do with him to regulate his nervous system. It may be things like running, stomping feet, roaring like a lion, butterfly hug, hanging him upside down, ... you need to search what works for him and the situation.

This

This focus on boundaries is exactly what gentle parenting is about. I prefer the term respectful parenting. Nothing airy fairy about either of these approaches.

Immediate natural consequence for running off is ‘you must hold my hand now to keep you safe’, not a random and unrelated ‘you can’t go to a party’

Don't beat yourself up OP, these things happen. There are no rights or wrongs with parenting, everyone does things differently. My kids are 16 & 13 now and I'm still learning! Going through a particularly tough time with my newly diagnosed neurodiverse 13 year old and you can only do what you can! Things will settle, he's still so young! You've got this 💙 x

I disagree with the majority here. He is 5, not a dog. He can fully comprehend that he did a bad thing and the consequence is delayed - he doesn’t get to go to the party. Also in my experience it is really not a good idea to go back on your stated consequence/boundary. He will just think you are not as good as your word when it comes to boundary setting. Perhaps the consequence is too severe, but also you have implemented it now and should follow through. Next time try to work out a proportionate consequence.

To go against the grain I think you should follow through with it, you told him his behaviour was unsafe (and regardless of you falling/being embarrassed or not) he continued after you told him there would be consequences.

It will feel really shit when you’re telling him he can’t go because he ignored you while you told him what he was doing was dangerous, however it’s really important he understands that even though he may not be immediately able to calculate/understand why what you say is dangerous but it’s important to understand you’re telling him it for a reason

I'm surprised by other posters saying he won't make the link between a poor action and a consequence, if they're a day apart. My 5 and 3 year old certainly make the connection if it's morning / afternoon. I feel like they'd still get it, if it were the next day. Saturdays, if they fight in the morning whilst we're doing chores / getting ready to go out, they don't get ice-cream in the afternoon, at the park / museum / whatever. They absolutely understand the link, and are markedly better behaved on weeks after I've followed through on a consequence.

You could always make it a natural consequence too, if your "arm is too sore to drive".

Also some of the delusional you should apologise responses are absolutely wild. It’s 100% on you to try your upmost to teach your child right from wrong. The delulus are raising what will be the worst of society moving forward. I get it’s not where we were raised 80s/90s and hitting your child is not ok but doing the complete opposite of I’m so sorry do what you want when you want because it’s how you feel is every bit as wrong

I agree with this

I am all for consequences and firmly believe that most behaviour issues are due to soft parenting. However, I think the punishment is a bit harsh. It sounds as though you were embarrassed and angry at falling over and so reacted in the way you did. Firmly talk to him about car park safety but I don't think this punishment is appropriate.

All of this.

Genuinely confused by the idea that human children cannot link delayed consequences to bad behaviour. The advice to sanction/reward immediately is the advice I follow for training dogs, who have no comprehension of time and no ability to make causal links unless ‘action’ is immediately linked to good/bad thing. But we are discussing human children here, who also have to be taught about delayed consequences - and who (unless there is some developmental delay) can fully understand ‘you did this thing so later that will result in this thing’ by the time they are about 2 and half!

This. I heard a leader in education the other day state that one of the main challenges in schools right now is that parents don’t run their own households - the children do. You don’t have to pander to a 5 year old. They should do as they’re told - and if that isn’t possible you physically hold them tightly and lead them.

It doesn’t matter if they whinge and moan - your sole job is to get him from the school gate to the car safely. If he can’t be trusted not to run off, you should hold his hand in an iron grip and be very serious in your verbal tone about your expectations of his behaviour. There is no Freddo Frogs or treats for children who don’t do as they’re told.

Everybody treating their children as if they have severe behavioural needs is not resulting in emotionally healthy people coming out the other side. Sure if you have a child with some kind of oppositional disorder where they genuinely will not respond to consequences then you have to put on your big girl pants and do the consequence! The thing is this is actually kind in the short and long term because children feel safe with boundaries. No wonder there are so many anxious young people when their own parents cannot effectively create a safe, structured environment with clear rules and consequences.