To not allow my 5 year old to go to a party tomorrow

[highhopes88]

My 5 year old son is a tricky customer. He's hilarious, outgoing, caring and imaginative but he struggles with his emotions and impulse control. He's in reception and his teacher is great at sharing strategies with us to help him with his emotional development and SENCO have given some tips too. At present they're not sure either way whether there is neurodiversity going on. Sometimes I think there might be, sometimes I think it's just his age and the face he's a boy that he struggles to listen to instructions etc. We don't know, and it's difficult because the obvious parenting strategies don't always work with him. We can't really use a 'hard-line' approach on anything because it's like a red rag to a bull. Instead we have to use a more gentle approach (not in the gentle parenting way before I get a million eye rolls!). I mean that instead of being direct with sanctions for poor behaviour, we have to give him time to cool off, think about his actions, then he'll seek us out and apologise and we'll discuss what he could do better next time. In the heat of the moment this strategy often feels counter-intuitive to us as if he's done something he definitely knows he shouldn't do and we feel like we should tell him off for it, we have to almost reign it in and explain what he did wrong etc and discuss how to improve next time. Does any of that make sense?!

ANYWAY today after school we were walking to the school car park and he said he didn't like the snack I'd brought him. I calmly said oh ok well next week let's talk about what we can have after school, anyway I've brought you a Freddo because it's Friday so you can have that. Almost as if he didn't actually hear the last part of the sentence he starts marching across the car park where there could be cars entering so I follow him and tell him it's dangerous and to get to the car. He then starts running round the car next to mine laughing hysterically. I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear. I eventually decide it's safer if I just outrun him round the car and get hold of him however as I turn round the car I slipped, fell and hurt my arm. I was livid. All knowledge of my discussions with school about our gentle approach went out the window and I yelled at him to get to the car. I then told him he would not be going to his friend's birthday party tomorrow (Saturday).

I was so upset on the drive home. I was beyond angry that I do so much for him and invest so much time in adopting the right parenting approach for him yet everything just turns to shit no matter how hard I try. Now I'm humiliated in front of the school mums that I fell over and I just want to hit hard with a consequence that will actually get through to him - not going to the party.

I chatted to my husband tonight and he thinks we should follow through with it. To teach him there are consequences for poor behaviour. I just feel so bad. I worry that if he is neurodiverse he won't understand the link between his behaviour and the consequence and will just be emotionally scarred that he'll be the only one not attending this party from his class. (I know for sure everyone out of his class is going - it's a tiny class).

AIBU - the consequence doesn't fit the crime so let him go to the party
AINBU - the consequence of not going to the party is suitable and I shouldn't let him go

Thanks for reading!

Following this to read tomorrow when I have time

Your school has a car park? 😮

Gentle parenting doesn’t work.

I have an autistic child of a similar age as yours.

I can tell him five times to do something and he won’t do it. It’s only after I yell that I’m not telling him again that he even acknowledges me.

He has darted out in front of traffic and he hides from me in shops. He has zero impulse control.

The people advocating gentle parenting don’t live with an autistic child. They have zero idea.

I don’t know what the solution is.

Whether or not the birthday child is close to him and would be upset if he doesn't come, it's really rude to accept a party invitation and then not turn up (serious reasons aside). If it was the case you genuinely think it wouldn't be safe for him to, for example some children have needs which make them likely to hurt themselves or others or are stressed by parties, but if you're doing this just as a punishment/consequence, pick something else.
One you agree to a playdate/meeting/party or whatever, it's wrong to mess people about.

Try not to overthink this.
Your 5yo ran about a bit in a silly way when tired from school. You tripped.
That's it. No need to beat yourself up. No need to punish him.

Your ds is not the only one who can’t regulate his emotions.
Your reaction was way over the top.
Perhaps you need to model calm and measured responses.

Don't be one of those rude mum's who can't punish their child without hurting their child's friends. Also depending on the party, the friends parents if they have paid a bit for your child's place.

Separately, I'm sorry this happened, but it sounds like your child was tired and overwhelmed. You falling was NOT his fault. You need to be working on managing feelings not punishing him.

Don't be so bloody ignorant
Is this the way you speak to people in real life? Is your child badly behaved.
Your comment is totally unnecessary.

I'm surprised at the responses.

The birthday boy won't be disappointed if op's son doesn't go - presumably there are lots of other kids going, and if op's son is often badly behaved, they might secretly be a bit relieved.

I agree with the comments about the gentle parenting not working. He's got no incentive to behave. He is laughing at you when you plead with him to behave. I'm angry on your behalf, op.

You're embarrassed and have taken it out on him. It doesn't sound like the consequence would actually be for his behaviour but because you fell. Since you can't separate the two I wouldn't bother with a consequence for this at all and would just have a conversation about why he shouldn't mess about in the car park. There isn't even any link between the party and the car park so of course he wouldn't understand it. Just plucking s punishment out of thin air to apply to behaviour isn't really a consequence, it's just a punishment designed to make a kid sad.

I try to say loudly that this isn't good behaviour and there'll be a consequence but he's too busy laughing and doesn't hear.

You need to be more flexible with parenting strategies and that includes sometimes being authoritarian.

Authoritative parenting (the old fashioned version of "gentle parenting " that actually works) is fine for most situations but not all.

When a kid is doing something that could get them injured or killed, you HAVE to be authoritarian. You have to make it aversive for them to do the thing - they need to learn from experience that the adult is in charge and that the consequence of the dangerous behaviour feels bad and doesn't come with a warning.

When they're running around cars you should shout, grab them, whatever is necessary. You don't reason with them. Explanations are for later.

Agree punishment tomorrow won’t balance in his mind what happened today

you fell over and got pissed off and embarrassed. Fair enough

once you shouted get in the car. Did he ? If so then maybe a tougher approach is needed

talk about it tomorrow calmly an about listening and car danger etc

Agreed. I don’t think gentle parenting works for any child. I have a 5 yo too and I’m a fairly calm parent & definitely pick my battles but if she does something dangerous like running around a busy car park she’ll get shouted at. She just doesn’t listen otherwise and I’m not going to risk her carrying on putting herself at risk. She’s also more likely to remember not to do it again if the last time she did it resulted in me getting angry and shouting. All this gentle parenting stuff about calmly explaining to a young child why you shouldn’t do something doesn’t work because 1. They can’t grasp complicated reasons (or even simple reasons sometimes) about why something is dangerous and 2. They haven’t fully developed empathy yet. So if you’re saying “your running around caused me to hurt my arm” they’re not going to feel bad enough about it to stop them from doing it again. Yeah have those conversations with them to help them develop their empathy but after you’ve given them a proper telling off!

My 5 year old is similar after school and particularly on a Friday, we’ve had multiple occasions of her running off hyper and a lot of her classmates go the same. I have to think carefully about where I park etc but we also have lots of reinforcing conversations about how to walk out of school and holding mummy’s hands. Need to give constant reminders about what the expectations are and lots of positive praise when they are walking sensibly. I would follow through with the party thing. Like others have said it’s too late a consequence

I wouldn't enforce a consequence without giving them a warning about it. When he was running around and you needed him to listen you should have said 'if you dont start listening and get in the car then ....(pick a consequence)', give him the chance to do it right, if he still chooses to continue the behavior then follow through with the consequence.

I'm not sure he'll learn anything by not going to the party whereas a warning and then a consequence could work in future. Also once you've done it once the next time you can remind him, 'do you remember what happened last time you didn't listen and get in the car nicely? Would you like that to happen again?'

ETA: I agree with the other posters saying to do whatever is necessary when it's an unsafe situation. Grab him, shout, whatever gets him safe. My post was just focusing on how to use consequences in future.

That's just what parenting is like, it can be intense and nobody really hits on the perfect way to relate to their children on behaviour first time - and then it changes multiple times and what worked when they were 5 doesn't work when they're 7 or 10.

Consequences need to be related to the issue, so pretty immediate - or at the very least clearly communicated beforehand. Taking something fun away from him days later is pointless.

I have an autistic ADHD child and believe me they would not be going to that party if they behaved like that! Absolutely not. Neurodivergent or otherwise there are consequences and dangerous behaviour in a car park put him and you at risk of harm. It’s not acceptable. Gentle parenting is just confusing for the child. Give them rules, give them structure and give them explanations.

The parent (and child) holding the party is the one bearing the consequences here. I would be so irritated.

I genuinely think its a big mistake to carry anything over to the next day, to use an unrelated event as a bargaining tool, and to drag other people into your discipline.

How will you feel if ds isn't invited to other parties as a result of this? It is not a risk I would want to take at the beginning of school life.

And for those saying you have to follow through - I think that should apply to accepting invitations.

I think the punishment is harsh, but more importantly, it's really rude to drop out of a party with such late notice.

I think you'd inadvertently be teaching him that it's ok to let people down. It's not the birthday child's fault he was naughty.

It works for plenty of parents and children, the whole point is that it's pretty dependent on both. You can't just make a sweeping statement that it doesn't work for any just because it doesn't work for you.

How are the school supporting your son

This sounds exactly like my 7 year old, is yours Nd? We haven’t assessed yet

Don’t make it the party. My son’s friend wasn’t allowed to go to his party because he had been naughty and my son was really upset and I felt furious at the mother as he had been accounted for with food, party bag and obviously being with my son. It’s a shit punishment for all concerned.

Agree with this.

He sounds like a fairly typical 5 year old. They get silly and play up. You have to try to stay calm, firm, lighthearted and fair. But at times they can try the patience of a saint and you overreact.

If he has neurodivergence, he may be extra exhausted and overwhelmed after a long week at school. But all 5 year olds usually are. It’s still very young.

Just give him time and calm to cool off, then have a quick, light chat. Explain why messing about in a car park isn’t the greatest idea. Say sorry for shouting at him. Big hug. Tell him you love him. Don’t dwell on it.

But don’t stop him going to the party. IMHO, that’s way OTT for moaning about a snack and running around a car park laughing on a Friday afternoon.

You sound quite stressed. Understandable. Try to carve out a bit of time for yourself if you can 💐. Easier said than done, but try to focus on the positives and to always see the funny side. Not to him when he’s being challenging, obvs. But to yourself or DP later. IME a bit of dark humour makes the challenges of parenting much more bearable.

I wouldn't judge you for the car park incident, but I might silently judge you if you stopped a 5 year old from going to a party because he was a bit silly after school when tired and upset. Especially as the party has already been paid for.