DH constantly working on paternity leave

[Crawdadsunite]

AIBU to resent this? DH has got extended leave as I’ve given up some maternity leave so he can be off helping me whilst I recover. We have got two other DCs 5 and 2. He is 5 weeks into the 10 weeks and has so far spend the equivalent of about 5 or 6 working days, working? He isn’t logging them as KIT days as ‘oh it won’t get signed off and it’s extra work not essential’. So there’s no benefit to the family whatsoever. Yes he helps with the older DC and he’s mainly working when they’re at school and nursery, but it’s driving me nuts as he could be using that time to help clean or tidy or just spend time with us?

I had a difficult birth and recovery. I still need more surgery due to complications. Ive not been very mobile for a while. I’ve had quite a few hospital appointments and last week had to come home on the train from one (took 2 hours door to door inc bus from hospital to station and walk home) because he had agreed to join a teams calls in the afternoon?

AIBU about this?

You’re not serving on a jury, you’re responding to someone’s problem based on the context they provide. It’s not really helpful or necessary to disregard the context the Op gives and make up your own hypothetical situation. If she’s exaggerating or leaving things out then what difference does it make?

I haven’t that. Exactly the opposite. You can’t give the correct advice if you don’t have the context. She hasn’t provided any other than what he’s legally entitled to. I’ve not judged her I’ve said I don’t know her.

You are perfectly right, given he probably chose to have a family.
However, as a child free woman, it IS beyond imposition.
Shame he didn't think with his brains, instead of another organ.

You really are dead set on making the OP wrong here. Her husband let her take a two hour train and bus ride while she was very ill because of a teams call! Did you just ignore she needs surgery, her bladder was cut into and she has a catheter in? He let her ride a bus and train with a catheter and a newborn! Holy fuck how can you excuse this?

You will roll out the apology carpet for any reason just to excuse his awful behavior. It is fine that you may accept this shit treatment from your husband, but some of us expect our husbands to actually care about us. I feel sorry for you that you think this treatment is okay.

Every day he works is a day taken away from your maternity leave. You will have less time with your baby because he decided to work. Does he realise that?

Not what I’ve done. But that’s this platform. People making things up in their own head

Hi op he’s taking the piss he just needs to put an out of office on his emails and not look at his pc and divert people to someone else. He’s avoiding helping because he doesn’t want to. There is no point him being on paternity then carrying on working he’s not indispensable no one is. Tell him to switch off from work because he’s not taking his father role very seriously.

You are the one making things up like he is some life saving surgeon 🙄 OP said he had a middle management non critical job. But crack on making things up to be an apologist for his awful behavior.

Another MN day, another dickhead dad… please don’t be another doormat…

Love this

I always call bullshit on these posts.
My husband is super senior, hundreds of millions of projects involved.. walked out when necessary for our family, and he is a workaholic i think, but even he knows its a non negotiable to not fxxk around with me on this.

Your husband is a loser. Wake up OP.
Call for help and mind yourself.

I think you need to spell out for him what you need him to do.
I get you shouldn't have to, but he's not getting it and you're getting more resentful. (I don't blame you.)

I gave mine a few days' grace. Then I did a "our family needs you to prioritise us". Then I lost my shit. Epically. Screamed, sobbed, cathartic actually. He logged off.

Time for you to stage a nutty. Make him actually worried about you and your sanity - because he should be, you have been through trauma and have deeply insufficient support. Any sane woman is going insane at this point.

Here in the states it's illegal to even log on and check email. Is this legal for him to do??

Having been a workaholic myself and trying to prove myself I wonder if your husband is feeling insecure. Add to this the responsibility of three children .... I realise you take a major part in that .. but cultural expectations .... That is not an excuse for him ... He needs to man up and provide the support you need at this time.

Dh, I gave up some maternity leave for you to take leave, I feel like you’ve stolen from me, while nothing gets done around the house without me doing it and I have to find my own way home from appointments because you’ve decided to do some work. Here’s the options- give me a list of the diy and home cleaning organsign tasks you’ll be doing and be a 100% dad and partner, or, give me my leave back- go back to work and ill take the leave thank you, or if you just keep fucking around , we will have to draw from savings to give me the extra leave anyway. I won’t have my husband and my baby’s father rob us of our leave while just randomly doing work anyway, continuing as is is not an option. Pick 1, 2 or 3 and I’d like an apology while you’re at it. I didn’t mean to nearly die but I really thought I’d have more support from my husband if I did.

Thing is OP, you've had a traumatic experience and it happened to you.
You're still recovering and healing so everything is going to be a much bigger deal for you.
He has no idea exactly how you're feeling despite your telling him.
He should absolutely have taken you to the hospital, teams call is a cop out in my opinion.
I don't think he's worked a lot in the 5 weeks but his lack of priorities to you is an issue.
You would like the DIY done.
He doesn't see it as a priority.
Men don't like being 'nagged' to do stuff.

Ime people don't change.
I think it's a suck it up buttercup experience unfortunately if he's decent father/husband mostly.

Yes

I’ve only got this far, I’ll admit I’ve not read updates, but this!!!! WTAF?!?!

He may as well hugger off back to work, he’s wasting your mat leave!!

Suck it up buttercup? He's WASTING her maternity leave

@Crawdadsunite

OK, I’ve read the updates. Still think the video call vs hospital appointment are a tipping point. He let you down.

I’d really recommend hubby has some therapy for his inability to assert and say no to work before he risks losing his family. It sounds like it’s an anxiety or self esteem issue maybe? He really needs his head wobbling!!

Nicely said.

Much better than the ‘suck it up buttercup’ approach.

Jeez, MN really does cover all angles, doesn’t it!

Yes, I agree.
Maybe I should have phrased it differently, I didn't mean for it to be rude

BEFORE EVERYONE JUMPS ON ME, I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I USED A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS AND I TRULY DIDN'T MEANT TO BE RUDE.

Thank you.

It's not even that it was rude, it was downright condescending to a woman who had a traumatic birth and further major surgery thereafter.

But fair play on acknowledging poor choice of words.