DH constantly working on paternity leave

[Crawdadsunite]

AIBU to resent this? DH has got extended leave as I’ve given up some maternity leave so he can be off helping me whilst I recover. We have got two other DCs 5 and 2. He is 5 weeks into the 10 weeks and has so far spend the equivalent of about 5 or 6 working days, working? He isn’t logging them as KIT days as ‘oh it won’t get signed off and it’s extra work not essential’. So there’s no benefit to the family whatsoever. Yes he helps with the older DC and he’s mainly working when they’re at school and nursery, but it’s driving me nuts as he could be using that time to help clean or tidy or just spend time with us?

I had a difficult birth and recovery. I still need more surgery due to complications. Ive not been very mobile for a while. I’ve had quite a few hospital appointments and last week had to come home on the train from one (took 2 hours door to door inc bus from hospital to station and walk home) because he had agreed to join a teams calls in the afternoon?

AIBU about this?

We earn roughly the same tbh we both work full time when I’m not on maternity leave.

This (with bells on!)

I’ve said I’m fine for him to tell his colleagues what has happened and that he can no longer join calls etc that he had said he would, but he won’t do that.

@Crawdadsunite , sweetie, you need to get a LOT more vocal; stand up for yourself (otherwise this will be the pattern of your life going forward - you struggling on while he cops out)

Tell him, loudly and clearly, that this has to stop. If necessary change the password on the router! Why does he get to dictate to you in this relationship?

Because it is easier probably.

It never fails to amaze me how different the bar is for men and women when it comes to children and supporting partners.

You've given up some of your leave so that he can NOT BE WORKING. If he's going to work anyway, then he should go back officially. The whole point of paternity leave is to support the mother. If he can't even do the minimum of collecting you from a hospital appointment (lets not even go into why he didn't go with you in the first place), he's wasting his and your leave.

I'd be absolutely furious if I gave up maternity leave for to give to him...for him to continue working!! Wtf?! He's robbing you of maternity leave!

My DH went to work between school drop off/pick up for a week. I don't think I would have wanted him hanging around the house all day. He'd learn all my secrets.

Is the baby not his?

No, I'm not seriously suggesting that, but it's about the only justification I can think of for his crappy unsupportive behaviour.

I think some men really struggle if they don't feel indispensable at work.

As you say, it’s just lazy and disrespectful; and my God it’s every damn day here, reports of men treating fatherhood as an enormous imposition.
I reckon many a man drifts into it just to secure (with heavy bonds) a woman who’ll keep house for him, doing everything, usually on top of a paid job, because otherwise it would not be done. They definitely bank on this.

I’d prefer to have an au pair than a husband even half as feckless as this. Doesn’t the average man take any pleasure in the company of his own offspring?

This!!!!

And however "important" the call was that afternoon, I doubt there are many companies that wouldn't accept him saying.... "I have to take my wife to a consultant appointment at the hospital can we reschedule.. I am available on xyz

I very much doubt he would have had any pushback at all on that. That is the blooming reason WHY HE IS AT HOME.
And if people he works with don't know he should damn well tell them.

He is actively wasting your hard won maternity leave.

You came home on the train and bus From hospital post partum, suffering complications from the birth? Because he was on a Teams call? While he’s in extended paternity leave? Jesus Christ I am genuinely shocked by that. Shocked.

I’d be absolutely furious. His work is not more important than his family. He needs to learn that and quickly!

He let u travel 2 hrs alone while ur still recovering. he shld have said he cldnt attend the call that. I mean if u had just all been at home anyway it wouldn’t be a problem. However he’s on paternity leave so shouldn’t be working at all but I wouldn’t mind the odd work call or logging in here and there. Just not when u really needed him.

I worry for u this will always be the case.

And as A follow up question. Has he always been a selfish arsehole?

YANBU .
Your DH is on paternity leave but is to enable the father to care for the mother and bond with the child and spend time as a family. Its not to work from home.
If you said he did an hour or so work per day to keep on top of things/stay connected i would have thought you unreasonable but that isnt what you are saying.
As for you travellng 2 hrs home by train and by foot because he was working whilst on supposed paternity leave that unacceptable.
What did you say when he said ive agreed to a work meeting youll have to find your own way home from hospital?
I would have said,you are on paternity leave to provide care for me and our child i have a hospital appt, so you are not available for work whilst on paternity leave!

Do you think the reason he left his wife with post partum complications requiring a hospital visit to make a 2 hr train and walk home and chose to agree to a teams meeting whilst on paternity leave was because he's was bored!
i think the OP is "expecting" him to do what paternity leave is for.

And of course, legally he shouldn’t be receiving any pay for the ‘work’ he’s doing on SPL. Work in inverted commas because legally he shouldn’t be working!

i’m sorry but I couldn’t not view him in the same way after this. To prioritise work and a teams call over his wife who had just had a traumatic birth is unforgivable for me. This isn’t about someone who works a bit too much, this is someone actively putting his family at the bottom of the pile.

Can't say no to his colleagues but can have his unwell post partum wife make a completely unnecessary 2 hour public transport journey?

He is a disgrace.
Tell family and friends.
I would also tell your GP and medical team.
I conside this abusive.

Your bar is sadly very low OP that you are accepting this.

He is stealing your maternity leave.
He really is an awful excuse for a man.

You need to get rid of the idea that he’s helping with the kids or could help with the house.

Could you imagine saying you help with the older kids and help around the house?

He needs to parent and keep his house clean. Why does he think this should fall to you?

It’s not their fault if he’s going it voluntarily, without being asked

They won't know he's on leave unless he has

1. told teams he work with he is taking leave
2. set an out of office message 3)blocked his calendar. Did he not do this?

I would set him a timetable for the remainder of his parental leave and if he doesnt adhere consistently tell him you will take back your mat leave.

I had a difficult birth and was in for 5 days. Lost lots of blood, had a transfusion, had to inject for clots for 14 days and had terrible baby blues. My husband had the standard 2 weeks off. His work gave 3 extra days for free. He did everything for our son nearly for that times as I was so weak. When he went back to work he did a share of night changes and feeds.
Logging on to keep emails down for an hour or so a week (could be done when baby and kids are asleep) is acceptable. Anything else is not.
Paternity leave is about looking after and bonding with baby, looking after mum and other kids, helping with the load around the house. That you've had a catheter and hes absenting himself and had to do the train journey while he was on a work call is completely and utterly unacceptable. He is stealing your maternity leave. I'd be having very strong words. For me, this would make me question everything about him as a man, husband and father. Maybe speak to your work about how it would work to retrospectively change the arrangements and take some of your weeks back off him. Are you sure hes even working if its taking ages to do jobs that should take less time? Is he actually hiding from the responsibility? Is there an attractive reason why he wants to be in work circles, on calls and meetings?

He needs to put you first and work second. He didn't have to do the teams call, he can pick and choose if he wants to keep in the loop but doesn't have to do it at all. The whole point of PL is just that. Xx

DH would have been exactly like this OP so I sympathise.

My suggestion would be this.

Get him to shift his shared parental leave to after you’ve gone back to work. He can go back to work now and he will have a period of sole care at the end.

This will have many benefits - less childcare expense - you go back to work knowing the kids are with a parent rather than worrying about them settling - less chance of you becoming default parent because he has no idea of their likes/dislikes/schedules etc - and perhaps most of all, he will have an appreciation of what it’s like having sole charge 5 days a week.

Obviously he will need to get his work to consent to this change. I would suggest that you ask him to arrange that call, and have it on speakerphone with you there. Otherwise there is a risk he’ll just tell you they said no.

This. He’s probably bored out of his brains. As long as he’s generally helping where needed which it sounds like he is then I wouldn’t have a problem. If you want
him to do more tell him.