Page 5 | DH constantly working on paternity leave

Jk987 · 31/01/2026 06:54

He should be taking the baby out while you take a bath and sleep.
Is he doing any night duty with the kids?

BudgetBuster · 31/01/2026 07:22

Baffy11 · 30/01/2026 22:46

Seriously, you need to understand the job market better. Good luck making those arguments with a large corporate with ridiculously high expectations on the other side...

As hard done by as you feel, quite rightly it seems, be careful what you wish for.

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OP has said he is not needed and is doing this voluntarily and won't ask for the time back because he doesn't need to to it.

I work for a large corporate and if you are on any type of parental leave... they block access to emails, teams etc after 2 weeks.

Original poster

Crawdadsunite · 31/01/2026 07:37

BudgetBuster · 31/01/2026 07:22

OP has said he is not needed and is doing this voluntarily and won't ask for the time back because he doesn't need to to it.

I work for a large corporate and if you are on any type of parental leave... they block access to emails, teams etc after 2 weeks.

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I work for a large corporate as well and so does DH, the company I work for wouldn’t dream of expecting me to work on maternity leave because they have such a robust HR department.

OP posts:

MJagain · 31/01/2026 07:56

Crawdadsunite · 30/01/2026 15:38

He doesn’t have to be doing this Im not sure his work are even aware sometimes? As he is involved in different projects not everyone would necessarily knows he’s on leave. Regardless he doesn’t have any boundaries and can’t say no but it means we are coming last.

He’s doing it because he wants to. Because he likes to feel important

He doesn’t care about cleaning or batch cooking etc. he is waiting for you to be better so you can do that. Women’s work innit.

MJagain · 31/01/2026 07:58

WorkingMum90 · 30/01/2026 21:59

Can you cancel the rest of his extended leave and take your maternity back?

It's ridiculous that you have given up some of your precious mat leave for him - and he is on teams calls and working rather than giving your lifts and doing household jobs. Joker.

If he wants to work so much send him back now!

He should at least request the KIT days - this is YOUR leave he is quite frankly abusing it. So disrespectful.

And this. Do t let him steal your leave - keep it to enjoy when you’re recovered.

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 08:55

Crawdadsunite · 30/01/2026 21:41

But my argument back to him is - it’s paternity leave, it’s protected leave - he is within his rights to say no sorry someone else will need to cover that as I’m on paternity leave? But he won’t grow a pair and do that?

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My husband works in an industry that requires certain people to oversee certain roles to a strict deadline that has potential legal & costly implications if not met. There isn’t sufficient cover because there’s so many different moving parts to each project. They all have their own individual contractual obligations that someone just couldn’t jump in and cover & do a sufficient job on it. It’s why in his industry everyone is paid very well, I asked if any of his colleagues take the extended paternity after seeing your post and he literally scoffed saying we dip in & out of work whilst on annual leave. So whilst he maybe within his rights legally he may also know the implications if he doesn’t and in truth as my husband has said to me many times (when like you I’ve complained) it’s in his own best interest to know what’s happening. So this is why it beggars the question as to why you’ve both decided to sacrifice your maternity for him to stay home just to work anyway. Was this a miss understanding on what was expected

BudgetBuster · 31/01/2026 09:34

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 08:55

My husband works in an industry that requires certain people to oversee certain roles to a strict deadline that has potential legal & costly implications if not met. There isn’t sufficient cover because there’s so many different moving parts to each project. They all have their own individual contractual obligations that someone just couldn’t jump in and cover & do a sufficient job on it. It’s why in his industry everyone is paid very well, I asked if any of his colleagues take the extended paternity after seeing your post and he literally scoffed saying we dip in & out of work whilst on annual leave. So whilst he maybe within his rights legally he may also know the implications if he doesn’t and in truth as my husband has said to me many times (when like you I’ve complained) it’s in his own best interest to know what’s happening. So this is why it beggars the question as to why you’ve both decided to sacrifice your maternity for him to stay home just to work anyway. Was this a miss understanding on what was expected

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They sacrificed her maternity because she is very very ill... and has a very difficult recovery.

Whose best interest was it that he couldn't decline or postpone a Teams call and take his ill wife, post surgery, post traumatic birth and their newborn to a poat-op hospital appointment and instead he made her get a bus and a train.

I've said myself an email.here and there or brief moments of checking in etc would probably be OK particularly when older kids are at school. But he is an absolute horrid man.

Solost92 · 31/01/2026 09:43

The fact he's allowed you to be on public transport for hours after your injuries is absolutely disgraceful.

Can you take your leave back off him?

This isn't even the first man choosing to do free work rather than help his wife I've read today. But one of DPs mates from work sacrificed his paternity leave. They get 3 months full pay, they don't get any overtime or anything for coming back early. His mate went back after a week. Becuae it was boring being home with his family.

Tell him how he's making you feel. He's using work to avoid being with you, he should be ashamed of himself.

Solost92 · 31/01/2026 09:45

Honestly really take your leave back. The back end is the bit you really appreciate. When you're well, baby is fun and you can actually go out and do things. Don't sacrifice that just for him to give it away to his work.

allthingsinmoderation · 31/01/2026 09:47

BudgetBuster · 31/01/2026 09:34

They sacrificed her maternity because she is very very ill... and has a very difficult recovery.

Whose best interest was it that he couldn't decline or postpone a Teams call and take his ill wife, post surgery, post traumatic birth and their newborn to a poat-op hospital appointment and instead he made her get a bus and a train.

I've said myself an email.here and there or brief moments of checking in etc would probably be OK particularly when older kids are at school. But he is an absolute horrid man.

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Some people think they are indispensable and to suggest they are not dents their ego..
I agree with your points.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 31/01/2026 09:53

Yanbu, especially as you gave up part of your mat leave - for this?! He’s even described it himself as “extra work not essential”.

Making your journey back from hospital so difficult so that he could join a call is outrageous.

I’d be giving him a piece of my mind and expecting things to change immediately.

mondaytosunday · 31/01/2026 10:00

So about one day a week? I think that’s fine! My DH had two weeks off and I’m pretty sure he did some work every day. He also still went to the gym daily. I didn’t need him 24/7. Quite happy for him to keep himself occupied tbh.

PissedOff2020 · 31/01/2026 10:09

The train is appalling! Why didn’t he just decline once he realised? One day a week when not being paid is not on, not at the cost of your maternity.
I understand checking an occasional email but this doesn’t sound like what’s he doing.

Give him a list of things that need doing each day - maybe he needs a steer? You’re not wrong to be annoyed at all - tell him he needs to stop working so much as you’ve sacrificed weeks of your leave only for him to waste 20% of it!

outerspacepotato · 31/01/2026 10:12

Paternity leave for him isn't working for you.

That he left you, unwell, post abdominal surgery, with a painful birth injury, to make your way home on public transportation for 2 hours so he could be on a call is unacceptable. This kind of neglect is going to set you back, not help you recover. And it is neglect. A reasonable person would not leave his wife to struggle for 2 hours to get home in your condition.

He needs to give up paternity leave and you take that back as maternity leave. He's going to have to hire help for the home and pay for rides. You're also going to need someone else for help when you have your surgical repair, your husband is not going to help in the ways you need. Do you have family nearby?

NomTook · 31/01/2026 10:30

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 08:55

My husband works in an industry that requires certain people to oversee certain roles to a strict deadline that has potential legal & costly implications if not met. There isn’t sufficient cover because there’s so many different moving parts to each project. They all have their own individual contractual obligations that someone just couldn’t jump in and cover & do a sufficient job on it. It’s why in his industry everyone is paid very well, I asked if any of his colleagues take the extended paternity after seeing your post and he literally scoffed saying we dip in & out of work whilst on annual leave. So whilst he maybe within his rights legally he may also know the implications if he doesn’t and in truth as my husband has said to me many times (when like you I’ve complained) it’s in his own best interest to know what’s happening. So this is why it beggars the question as to why you’ve both decided to sacrifice your maternity for him to stay home just to work anyway. Was this a miss understanding on what was expected

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Your husband scoffed at the idea of a man looking after his very unwell wife and his newborn using legally protected leave?

You think (because your husband told you) that putting business interests before the immediate interests of the health and wellbeing of your family is correct and a sign of a super important man?

Tell me, how high does a salary need to be to put your family last in this way?

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 11:53

NomTook · 31/01/2026 10:30

Your husband scoffed at the idea of a man looking after his very unwell wife and his newborn using legally protected leave?

You think (because your husband told you) that putting business interests before the immediate interests of the health and wellbeing of your family is correct and a sign of a super important man?

Tell me, how high does a salary need to be to put your family last in this way?

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This is about me saying it’s hard to ass judgement not knowing what he does for a job, for all you know he’s a surgeon that needs to take meetings about the lifesaving surgeries he’s going to undertake on his return. It’s not something he can turn up to on the day and just do. So I think it’s unfair to take a side without knowing what it entails.

going on from my husbands scoff. It was the idea of not having to work in that time considering he doesn’t get annual leave. I’m very well taken care of thank you. I had 2 sections with my births & whilst he did work from home he was there. As for his salary being important of course it is. What a ridiculous take to think this isn’t a major contributor to the safety and security of our family. A wage that’s paid for our daughter to go to uni and live independently without debt.

Original poster

Crawdadsunite · 31/01/2026 12:25

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 08:55

My husband works in an industry that requires certain people to oversee certain roles to a strict deadline that has potential legal & costly implications if not met. There isn’t sufficient cover because there’s so many different moving parts to each project. They all have their own individual contractual obligations that someone just couldn’t jump in and cover & do a sufficient job on it. It’s why in his industry everyone is paid very well, I asked if any of his colleagues take the extended paternity after seeing your post and he literally scoffed saying we dip in & out of work whilst on annual leave. So whilst he maybe within his rights legally he may also know the implications if he doesn’t and in truth as my husband has said to me many times (when like you I’ve complained) it’s in his own best interest to know what’s happening. So this is why it beggars the question as to why you’ve both decided to sacrifice your maternity for him to stay home just to work anyway. Was this a miss understanding on what was expected

Show quote history

My DH doesn’t work in a job like this and I’m still not sure anyone is as indispensable as they like to think anyway. What would happen to your husbands projects if he was hit by a bus tomorrow? I presume the business would survive.

OP posts:

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/01/2026 13:05

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 11:53

This is about me saying it’s hard to ass judgement not knowing what he does for a job, for all you know he’s a surgeon that needs to take meetings about the lifesaving surgeries he’s going to undertake on his return. It’s not something he can turn up to on the day and just do. So I think it’s unfair to take a side without knowing what it entails.

going on from my husbands scoff. It was the idea of not having to work in that time considering he doesn’t get annual leave. I’m very well taken care of thank you. I had 2 sections with my births & whilst he did work from home he was there. As for his salary being important of course it is. What a ridiculous take to think this isn’t a major contributor to the safety and security of our family. A wage that’s paid for our daughter to go to uni and live independently without debt.

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I think if he was a life saving surgeon the OP would have mentioned that. The lengths people will go to to excuse men from domestic work is quite something. If his job was so vital, or precarious, surely he wouldn’t have taken extended leave?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/01/2026 13:17

BudgetBuster · 31/01/2026 09:34

They sacrificed her maternity because she is very very ill... and has a very difficult recovery.

Whose best interest was it that he couldn't decline or postpone a Teams call and take his ill wife, post surgery, post traumatic birth and their newborn to a poat-op hospital appointment and instead he made her get a bus and a train.

I've said myself an email.here and there or brief moments of checking in etc would probably be OK particularly when older kids are at school. But he is an absolute horrid man.

Show quote history

I would have ordered a taxi for that and made him pay. Bet he'd reschedule then.
Its completely shocking how he can even pretend he's helping her when he let her struggle to an appointment like that.

Runnermumof2 · 31/01/2026 14:04

Crawdadsunite · 30/01/2026 14:38

AIBU to resent this? DH has got extended leave as I’ve given up some maternity leave so he can be off helping me whilst I recover. We have got two other DCs 5 and 2. He is 5 weeks into the 10 weeks and has so far spend the equivalent of about 5 or 6 working days, working? He isn’t logging them as KIT days as ‘oh it won’t get signed off and it’s extra work not essential’. So there’s no benefit to the family whatsoever. Yes he helps with the older DC and he’s mainly working when they’re at school and nursery, but it’s driving me nuts as he could be using that time to help clean or tidy or just spend time with us?

I had a difficult birth and recovery. I still need more surgery due to complications. Ive not been very mobile for a while. I’ve had quite a few hospital appointments and last week had to come home on the train from one (took 2 hours door to door inc bus from hospital to station and walk home) because he had agreed to join a teams calls in the afternoon?

AIBU about this?

I feel you ! Mine even worked while I was in labour with my first ! The midwife had to tell him off ! He went to the office (a 5 mins walk from the hospital) while I was being induced. Then in the evening he was still checking emails when she told him to out it away ! Unfortunately lots of workplaces have terrible family support, his is an American based company so they have zero care about work/life balance. It's dreadful !

Bluedenimdoglover · 31/01/2026 14:50

Tell him, not us. We can't help. I get it, but posting here is not going to resolve it. Speak to him loud and clear.

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 16:12

Crawdadsunite · 31/01/2026 12:25

My DH doesn’t work in a job like this and I’m still not sure anyone is as indispensable as they like to think anyway. What would happen to your husbands projects if he was hit by a bus tomorrow? I presume the business would survive.

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people are in jobs that if they were hit by bus tomorrow would have some impact on their working environment. It doesn’t mean theyd go out of business but it may cost the business money or even a contract. But there’s a hell of a difference in comparison.

I’m not taking sides either. I’m just stating without knowing his job, his role and the working environment it’s hard to judge him. He’s home, he’s helping with the older kids. I’m not defending him. He should be taking you to your hospital appointments! However. I’m some sort of ogre for not lambasting your husband for not adhering to his lawful rights despite not knowing what the consequences are for him. I worked in a place that was toxic and people didn’t want to cover your holiday leave & having time off was causing people more stress. With one woman unable to return to work for fear she’d be reprimanded because something had gone wrong whilst she was away which wasn’t her fault but that didn’t stop the person covering slagging her off & making her look incompetent

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 16:17

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/01/2026 13:05

I think if he was a life saving surgeon the OP would have mentioned that. The lengths people will go to to excuse men from domestic work is quite something. If his job was so vital, or precarious, surely he wouldn’t have taken extended leave?

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I doubt he is either but you don’t know his working situation either. So the lengths people will go to say he’s shirking just because he’s a useless man is quite something even though she’s admitted he is helping when the older kids are back. I’ve actually said that he shouldn’t have taken the extended leave.

NomTook · 31/01/2026 16:23

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 16:17

I doubt he is either but you don’t know his working situation either. So the lengths people will go to say he’s shirking just because he’s a useless man is quite something even though she’s admitted he is helping when the older kids are back. I’ve actually said that he shouldn’t have taken the extended leave.

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But Op does know his working situation and what she’s described is far from the assumptions you’ve made to excuse him.

NoisyViewer · 31/01/2026 16:44

NomTook · 31/01/2026 16:23

But Op does know his working situation and what she’s described is far from the assumptions you’ve made to excuse him.

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I don’t know the poster either. I don’t know if she prone to exaggeration or if she’s a kind hearted martyr who’s just had enough. I’ve said her husband should be taking her to hospital appointments. I haven’t criticised her in anyway all I’ve said is we don’t know the context of the situation because she hasn’t explained it.