DH constantly working on paternity leave

[Crawdadsunite]

AIBU to resent this? DH has got extended leave as I’ve given up some maternity leave so he can be off helping me whilst I recover. We have got two other DCs 5 and 2. He is 5 weeks into the 10 weeks and has so far spend the equivalent of about 5 or 6 working days, working? He isn’t logging them as KIT days as ‘oh it won’t get signed off and it’s extra work not essential’. So there’s no benefit to the family whatsoever. Yes he helps with the older DC and he’s mainly working when they’re at school and nursery, but it’s driving me nuts as he could be using that time to help clean or tidy or just spend time with us?

I had a difficult birth and recovery. I still need more surgery due to complications. Ive not been very mobile for a while. I’ve had quite a few hospital appointments and last week had to come home on the train from one (took 2 hours door to door inc bus from hospital to station and walk home) because he had agreed to join a teams calls in the afternoon?

AIBU about this?

I'd be furious.

Is he escaping the fact its all a bit difficult? Men can do that.

But not ok at all.

When I went on mat leave I put on an out of office saying so and directing people to my line manager/cover. Job done, everyone aware.

He let you take a two hour journey so he could take a teams call on paternity leave?
What an absolute arsehole.
MN is a parallel universe.
Yanbu.

Then why did he take the extra paternity leave (which reduces OPs maternity leave)? If he’s that bored he could have gone back to work!

He's stealing your maternity leave.

Presumably so he is around all day, so can do things as and when needed.
Presumably so he could look after the two school age dc during the hours they are there (but not the 6 hours in the middle of the day).

But I feel like he should then be filling his day with something that isn’t work? And making himself available if I need help? Eg a lift home from a hospital appointment.

Have you spoken to him about this? What is his reasoning for not helping you?

😮he"s an utter knob. Why are you tolerating being last in his queue?
You shouldn't even have to ask him to "help" .
Congratulations on baby

The mind boggles at these responses. He's on paternity leave! It's for him to be a parent to his child and husband to his wife. He's not even getting paid and is taking OP for an absolute mug. A 2 hour round trip to the hospital on her own as he's on a Teams call is unbelievable.

You are not being unreasonable, he is being very unreasonable. He shouldn't be working on paternity leave end of story.

This.

I was going to vote YABU as I can understand that he might need to keep in touch with ongoing projects.

BUT not being available to take you to/from your appointment is appalling behaviour!

I have to ask, didn't you tell him to decline the Teams meeting so that he could help you? Maybe you need to be a bit more vocal?

He's on paternity leave by way of taking it from the OP's leave entitlement, and then spending it working. Its 6 days she would have had on her own leave. Its not on.

I am going to be slightly picky here, you do not do KiT days on paternity leave but you do on shared parental leave. If he is working when on leave then neither him or his company may be insured if something goes awry.

Expecting you to travel to and from medical appointments on public transport when he has means to take you, is mean and uncaring. You need to have a few strong words.

Hit the nail on the head. There seems to be so many men out there like this described on mums net. For those justifying it, part of it is also the principle! OP needs and wants support it doesn’t matter what that looks like she’s the one who’s just gone through labour!

Communication and expectations seem so challenging for so many couples on here, OP can you try to talk to him and explain your POV? Absolutely ridiculous he was on a teams call he wasn’t even paid for when you needed help getting to the hospital.

For those who said he’s probably bored- lucky him!!!! I’m sure OP would like to be bored for a few minutes instead of being primary parent to a newborn with little help.

Yes I have spoken to him but just get excuses about not being able to miss this meeting or that deadline… no attempts made to push back on his work. We obviously didn’t anticipate I would be so unwell after the birth and I’ve said I’m fine for him to tell his colleagues what has happened and that he can no longer join calls etc that he had said he would, but he won’t do that.

You swapped, so he's using YOUR maternity leave to work and he left you to do a birth-surgery related hospital appointment by public transport?

The roof would be coming off the house on that day if it was me!

Is he angling to just go back to work?

Ideally read him the fucking riot act. At 10 weeks out there should be a plan in place and he should be offline.

If he isnt going to do that he might as well go back to work and get paid.
Because right now he is shortening your mat leave so he can work for free...

Also agree with @Diamondsareagirlsbestfrien this is about something deeper.

Today I left some washed kids clothes on the stairs when I went to go take them up my dh who is wfh too had done it. And I was like yesssss but its taken 3 yrs to take to this place. My dh respects what i do and contributes equally and sees it as shared responsibility

This is your 3rd child he needs to get it together

If I found any of my male colleagues (who all make a big song and dance about their pat leave) doing that I'd think a lot less of them. As would their other female colleagues.

No doubt about it, he's using work to slide out of the child work - which he's supposed to be sharing.

Don’t be so silly. He needs to help take care of his wife so that she can take care of the newborn. He has a long list of jobs to do; not least entertaining the other two, making sure all shopping, cleaning, cooking, washing up and laundry is done. I’d be rightly furious if I were the OP. It’s disgraceful he didn’t take her to and from the hospital.

He can say no to YOU though, can't he? No problems there!
What kind of man makes their wife find their own way home from the hospital after a difficult birth and surgery? What a massive bellend. I'm fuming for you, OP!

Id tell him to fuck off back to work and youll take back the remaining weeks, cheeky bastard.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, you clearly need his support to be with you & the family & not on work. However, the job market is tricky at the moment for job seekers, whilst yes paternity is protected, if there are things like redundancies etc on the horizon, or if the organisation just has bad culture where leave is considered a weakness, I could see why he feels the need to stay “on” whilst on maternity. Is he the main earner? Even if his job is pretty secure I could understand why in this economy he doesn’t want to seem replaceable.

He agreed to take time off specifically to help you and he is going back on that. I’d be really disappointed and upset in your shoes. Why do we expect so little of men following childbirth? Especially a traumatic one like it sounds like you’ve had OP. You are in a really vulnerable position and expected his help (with no work distractions), he has gone back on that promise. I literally don’t care if other posters think this is nothing, or only 20% of the week, his wife has had a traumatic birth and she needs his help and he is prioritising work over that.