DH constantly working on paternity leave

[Crawdadsunite]

AIBU to resent this? DH has got extended leave as I’ve given up some maternity leave so he can be off helping me whilst I recover. We have got two other DCs 5 and 2. He is 5 weeks into the 10 weeks and has so far spend the equivalent of about 5 or 6 working days, working? He isn’t logging them as KIT days as ‘oh it won’t get signed off and it’s extra work not essential’. So there’s no benefit to the family whatsoever. Yes he helps with the older DC and he’s mainly working when they’re at school and nursery, but it’s driving me nuts as he could be using that time to help clean or tidy or just spend time with us?

I had a difficult birth and recovery. I still need more surgery due to complications. Ive not been very mobile for a while. I’ve had quite a few hospital appointments and last week had to come home on the train from one (took 2 hours door to door inc bus from hospital to station and walk home) because he had agreed to join a teams calls in the afternoon?

AIBU about this?

Yes this basically happened to me except I had a cat 1 section and the surgeon cut into my bladder. 10 days in hospital and 6 weeks of blood thinning jabs!

Responding to the odd email, fair enough, doing hours of work a day, nope. Getting the train home when you're struggling with being mobile and he's effectively utilising your joint leave and still working - really really unfair. I don't know how the process works but can't help length of time be changed now? I'd be saying "maybe 6 weeks will be OK rather than 10" and clawing it back for myself if he doesn't actually use the time to support you. I'd be expecting him to use the time to also bond with the new baby, I know newborns are a bit tricky to bond with sometimes as they dont do a lot, but nappy changes, pram walks, health visitor checks should all be him. He could also have your little one not in nursery the odd day and do something fun with him perhaps. Pat and mat leave is all about family time, bonding, you never get the time back and wasting it at work is just sad for him as well as you.

doesn’t take two of you to look after a newborn

It takes one parent to look after a newborn and the other to look after literally everything and everyone else.

If you’d be ‘bored out of your brain’ then you’re doing it wrong.

Also to those saying it doesn’t take 2 to look after a baby.

1. OP has had a traumatic birth / recovery.
2. OP has given up some of her maternity leave for her DH who isn’t pulling his weight, working whilst on paternity leave and when she needed him the most he said “get a bus I’m on a teams call” can you imagine how resentful you’d feel? Your precious maternity leave given up for that!
3. OP said there is things to do around the house
4. baby is being cared and loved - it’s the mum that needs the support right now.

He's on paternity leave, it's the same as maternity leave. What would a woman do on maternity leave-
Care for the baby, clean, cook, look after other children, sterilise bottles, do the washing, shopping, baby groups etc and she shouldn't need to explain this because he's an adult, with a house and kids and he just needs to look after them as he's on paternity leave - he's not "helping her out" because these aren't her jobs at this time, they're his, because he is on pat leave to cover her as she is too sick to do it. What woman gets given a task list to help her know what to do on mat leave. If we can figure out filling our days then he can.

The reason they overlapped is so she can recover, she should be in bed, doing recovery, or at medical appointments (her bladder was sliced open by the surgeon) and he should be covering all other things (Except maybe feeding if she's BF).

I’d be fine with this and delighted my DH had taken so much time off.
My DH loves his work and would not want to be cut off from what was going on with projects for more than a couple of weeks. He also does a little work related research in his spare time - it’s kind of a hobby/interest. The best kind of job.

I’m used to the cool wives on the strip club threads, but parental leave is a new one for sure!

I really can't relate to people who chose to do work whilst they're on any sort of leave - unless it was a HR or personal development sort of thing that needed to action/approve for one of the people I manage that only I can do because i am their line manager, I wouldn't be logging on at all. Your husband needs to work on his delegation skills!

Absolutely outrageous he made you do that journey to the hospital, particularly as you've described how difficult your recovery has been. What an arse.

I'd definitely be clawing back that parental leave from him - add up however much he's worked whilst he's been absent and insist he tells his work, so that his employer can tell your employer or however that works - I don't know as I've never shared my maternity leave!

Why should the OP have to carry the mental load and create a list of proposed chores for a grown man? He should have a list as long as his arm if his DW has recently had a traumatic birth he’s got 2 kids and a newborn!

I would be expecting him to be doing laundry, making meals, washing up, general cleaning, looking after the newborn while OP has a shower, goes on walks with her if she feels able, go food shopping etc etc.

He has taken some of her leave away from her to be on paternity leave so the least he can bloody do is some of things around the house that need doing instead of hiding on a work teams call. If he can’t stay away from work he should give her all her mat leave back and just go back to work!

He took that much time off because she's had major surgery and needs an incredible amount for support to recover

His hobbies can F right off.... he made his post partum wife take a 2 hour train and bus journey with a newborn for a major hospital appointment post surgery.... si he could go on a Teams call. He's a p×××k.

I usually agree but I haven’t actually had much time to do my hobbies recently especially with a catheter in! DH doesn’t even love his job in fact he’s always complaining about it.

I think I just threw-up in my mouth a little

It’s hard to judge as we don’t know what he’s job is. He could be working on projects that really do require his attention but this does beg the question on why he would accept paternity out of your allowance.

But my argument back to him is - it’s paternity leave, it’s protected leave - he is within his rights to say no sorry someone else will need to cover that as I’m on paternity leave? But he won’t grow a pair and do that?

Send him back to work. Don’t give up your leave for him!

Can you cancel the rest of his extended leave and take your maternity back?

It's ridiculous that you have given up some of your precious mat leave for him - and he is on teams calls and working rather than giving your lifts and doing household jobs. Joker.

If he wants to work so much send him back now!

He should at least request the KIT days - this is YOUR leave he is quite frankly abusing it. So disrespectful.

Its really sad that people will justify it when the OP is not happy with it. She doesn't have to be happy with just because some other women have the bar in a fucking hole in the ground.

Seriously, you need to understand the job market better. Good luck making those arguments with a large corporate with ridiculously high expectations on the other side...

As hard done by as you feel, quite rightly it seems, be careful what you wish for.

Every time I read a “shit husband” post on here I think they can’t get any worse, and yet here we are. Working a day a week stealing YOUR maternity leave is pathetic, but making you get the train home - I’d be mixing the cement for the new patio.

You need to lay down the law. I don’t know… tell him if he doesn’t stop working then you will ring his colleagues and tell them not to ring him because you had your bladder cut open and he’s supposed to be looking after you.

On a more constructive note, you both do probably need some sort of escape. Maybe you could agree that you each get a half day to yourselves per week undisturbed (yours may have to be taken in three 2-hour slots if you’re breastfeeding). But say you get Wednesdays and he gets Thursdays mornings, and if you want to watch tv or read, or go to a cafe on your own or have a long bath you can, and then if he wants to spend his time working as his “hobby” then he can, but no other time. You would have to protect your time though, don’t be passive about it. If he seems like he hasn’t remembered, hand him the baby and walk off. And if he tries to work outside of his agrees time, go in, hand him the baby and tell him the washing up needs doing, even if he’s on a Teams meeting.

Why is responding to a few emails ok? How many mums spend their maternity leave checking up on work? He’s chosen extended paternity leave, and should have put arrangements in place to direct work to his manager/colleagues - like women do. If he didn’t want to do that then he shouldn’t be taking extended leave. I’d be bloody furious if I had less time at home to facilitate my husband taking time off ostensibly to help with a new baby and difficult recovery and he then spent that time working, for free, instead of helping with the drudgery of life at home with a small baby.

Id be reading him the riot act, either he makes himself useful or fucks off back to work.

If your job is so precarious then you simply don’t take extended leave, he’s neither use nor ornament at home and his wife will have less leave as a result.

I’d be getting divorced. I’m sorry but you’ve had a very serious birth complication giving birth to his baby. He should be kissing you at your feet not bloody working. He should be doing the cleaning, the food prep and anything else that needs to be done while you look after you and the baby. My friend had her son 2 weeks ago and had the same complication sadly and her husband can’t do enough for her. He’s took time off work, takes her too every hospital appointment and everything . You need a better husband and I would be seriously be thinking about my marriage.

OP, this is so sad. He is completely wrong. I had very similar circumstances with my son's birth and it was horrible. My DH had 2 weeks leave after my hospital stay and he took care of me completely. You cannot heal if you are in pain. Making you walk and take a bus is absolutely disgusting. Your DH is an absolute dick and his paternity leave is meant to take care of you and the baby. I would be livid. Please ignore all the posters on here who have never been through a birth trauma like this and are excusing him. They wont get how awful your experience has been and your DH is making it worse.

As other posters have said, maternity and paternity leave are protected leave so no-one should be contacting him about work during these 10 weeks. You have sacrificed some of your own maternity leave so he can have this time off and he is being very little help to you.

You need to get really angry about this. The fact that he left you with no option but to use public transport to attend your hospital appointment shows how little care or concern he has for your health and wellbeing.

This behaviour would make me re-think the relationship.

Wow! So you'd be delighted to have to make your way to a hospital appointment on public transport with a serious birth injury while your husband pissed about on Teams when he is on paternity leave due to OP sacrificing some of her maternity leave for this?