90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

[Unlisted]

My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

Yes, who wouldn’t want two bored strangers slumped over phones at their celebratory dinner party? Really makes for a great vibe.

Fairly sure if she's got that many DGC, they won't be the only bored teenagers slumped over phones.

Older but not wiser

I mean it is her party so she can invite who she chooses, me personally I would have invited them if they are the stepchildren of her grandchild, I see no issue with 2 extra kids being there.

If she is that precious about the photos get them to stand at the end and she can crop the photo if she wishes!

I’d just leave it for your cousin to deal with and stay out of it for your own peace of mind

Maybe, maybe not. The other children going are actual grandchildren she has a relationship with, however, whereas these two are strangers.

Funny how he’s apparently desperate for his children to have a relationship with his in laws, yet only seems to demonstrate this when it involves a catered event.

If they are having a professional photographer it won't be for one photo. She might have a photo with her children, her female descendants, all the GC, all the GGC and then, shock horror, a photo with all the guests including the step GC. It really isn't hard to figure out if you want to figure it out.

I am sure there will be a series of photos groups like you have at a wedding. The GM with her sibling, one with her DCs, one with her DCs and their partners, one with her DGC, one with her friends, one with all the guests - it really wouldn’t be difficult to be kind and inclusive and keep everyone happy.

What I don’t understand is why the oldest child of the cousin (not child of her current partner) needs his dad / her ex sat in an adjacent bar? What’s that all about?

It seems this family just put heat under everything - if they had been more accepting laid back in the past (cousins parents bitching to OP that step children dare to attend lunches / evening do at a wedding and as an 8 years old eat from the free buffet and drink from the free bar - bleating on about it 6 years later) - then probs the parent of the dismissed and snubbed DCs wouldn’t be arsed and the teenagers would probs not want to come anyway.

But you reap what you sow .

Yet again, MN makes me really appreciate my wonderful stepdad and his amazing family.

I've never known people so comfortable with excluding children until now. My family members have celebrated 70th/80th and all sorts of milestones that have included various children and young people - blood/step/the children they've helped raise and all sorts in photos.

This level of pettiness must be so exhausting and causes so much unnecessary drama. Just wow! ☹️

@Dweetfidilove
It depends entirely on the relationship the people have, though doesn't it? A child who doesn't live with his father, perhaps hardly knows the granny, and it's expected that they attend the party. A child who lives full time with father, frequently visiting the granny, and has a relationship with her that's different.

A big group pic followed by a picture of the grandmother just with her children, then a picture of just the women etc. - sure, that’s normal. But you really think they won’t notice that one of the “many permutations” is everyone except them?

If they’re really so glued to their phones that they won’t notice anything that's going on, why is it so vital they’re invited?

But not one photo with everyone and one with everyone bar two people. Surely YOU should be able to work THAT out.

If the spouses of her descendants are involved in the photo then she’s unreasonable. She could in cute the step grand kids and exclude them from the photo if she’s excluding all the spouses that would be reasonable.

I only found out my step grandfather was a step at his death. It’s so sad to see these children not included!

Funny how he’s apparently desperate for his children to have a relationship with his in laws, yet only seems to demonstrate this when it involves a catered event.

I'd love to know how many times the cousin and her husband have invited the grandmother around, on a day the husband’s children were there - or out for dinner when the husband was paying. Has HE done any of the work to build a relationship where the grandmother might feel like these are her great-grandchildren? Or is he only interested when someone else is footing the bill?

We all know the answer this. No way he has.

Great granny

Since she is happy to invite the partners of her descendants, she should also invite those partner's dependent children, if she doesn't want to cause bad feeling and possibly a severe rift. Parents are really sensitive to their DC being rejected.

If she wanted a descendants-only party then she shouldn't invite her descendant's partners, and could then not invite their children too.

Raising children is hard, step-parenting can be hard, blending families can be hard, and the more people who are prepared to support blended families, the better. My blended family is a particularly unusually blend, as I'm an adoptive parent and foster carer. DH and I are lucky to have extended families who are thoughtful and always include all the DC who are under our roof at the time of any event, whether they're with us for a short time or permanently. I'm very grateful to them when I read about families who prioritise DNA over love and support.

It doesn't here, no. Come along and bring your children.

I met my nephew's stepchild at my 40th birthday do. They broke up and I haven't seen her since. No skin off my nose.

Agreed!

My brother was my grandparents’ step grandson - he was never treated any differently than the rest of us, and was always just the older grandchild. It’s mean on part of granny

I'm with your grandmother. She hardly knows these children, if they live mostly with their mother.

Although your description is a bit confused so I may have understood. But if they live mostly with their mother, how are they part of the family in an active way?

Totally agree with you @Unlisted It sounds as though she doesn't have much of a relationship with them, and as usual, it's in-laws who make this sort of trouble in families.

What a spiteful baggage. Who gives a shit? The more the merrier I’d have thought.

I couldn’t agree more. A long time ago go but when my husband’s lovely kind grandfather had his 90th, everyone was welcome. He would never in a million years told anyone they could not have brought a child along with them because they were only a step child. Yes and everyone was in the photos.
When he eventually went into a care home, all the staff said how nice he was and he always asked how they were.

Cesspit of a thread. All from #bekind people

The father could vbe taking the opportunity to do something just with his teenagers, focused on them, instead of dragging them along to events with people they don't know.

Her party, her choice etc etc etc.
We can all have personal opinions.
Mine is she’s just not that nice.
I’m fairly old but would happily invited these children to my party.
I’d just be incredibly happy I had lived to be so old.