90 year old grandma and cousins’ stepchildren

[Unlisted]

My grandma is 90 and there will be a massive afternoon party for just two hours in a hotel paid for my mum, aunt and uncle.

All her descendants, their partners plus nieces and nephews without partners and one surviving sibling and two of her surviving cousins, one with husband. The surviving sibling and cousins will have one of their children with them given their advanced age.

Grandma does not want my cousin’s two stepchildren invited , they are teenagers who live almost exclusively with their mother.

Cousin has said her husband doesn’t want her to go with her elder child and their joint child.

Elder child’s dad has stepped in and insists that he will take child himself and sit in bar to wait for him.

My cousin, brother of this cousin is coming home from Japan for this.

My aunt has said she will make sure their joint child will be there as well.

What for you all think about this? Is cousins’ husband unreasonable.

Yes, I have. I’ve just said I have. This is just a larger scale family portrait.

Even if there ARE going to be a lot of pictures, it’s right there in the OP that the grandmother wants a picture of the whole family. And that she doesn’t consider these children family. And that their father has form for trying to force this issue. It’s literally all in the first post.

That’s why there’s no point in people saying “Just invite them and take the photo without them”. It’s very clear that would be noticed and would be an issue.

That everyone stays Just Good Friends? 😉

Well played!

Cousin's husband is an asshole trying to make a point. I expect there's a fair bit of tension in their marriage if he overrides her and insists on bringing his children were they aren't invited.

Gate-crashing a wedding, FFS!

These are step-great-grandchildren that don't live with the 90yo's granddaughter. Birthday Gran probably barely knows them - if at all.

For your 90th birthday it's perfectly acceptable to invite your family. These teens aren't her family. They would probably be bored to tears anyway.

The husband is a dick and I'm team Grandma.

Or them all still bleating on SIX years later than a little 8 year old hand a vol-u-vont from an evening buffet…..what sort of ‘family’ is this?

We have step children in our family. They are very happy seeing their own family members separately, and don't think distant/extended family of their step siblings are part of "their" family and vice versa.

It's just a Venn diagram where there is some overlap but not all. Everyone is respected and cared for, everyone understands that sometimes Olivia and Joe celebrate things with their grandparents, while Maisie and Theo celebrate others with theirs.

It's not disrespectful or unkind to know who you are related to in a blended family, and to be ok with that.

Cousin's DH is making an issue where there is no need. He should get over that chip on his shoulder - unless he expects his ex wife's husband's to include his step child.and younger son with their events?

I don’t understand how a 90 year old can be so petty. Invite the teenagers!

I think grandma is being ridiculous. Why be so precious about a few photos? Why would she want her birthday to be remembered for a nasty, petty drama?

No, if BOTH my children- my daughter and my stepdaughter- were not included I wouldn't be there so the cost would be £0. Luckily, my family aren't this awful and if we're invited somewhere as a family they invite the whole family.

Okay then, they’re as familiar to her as someone she’d recognize at living in her general neighborhood, that she’s briefly met a handful of times. Essentially strangers.

She’s not ‘awful’ for not wanting two teenagers that she doesn’t know, who are no relation to her, at her family celebration.

Their brother is her grandchild, and by the sounds of it their mother wants to go with both her children.

By the same token, why not invite his parents too?

The spouse is invited as a plus one. Her grandchildren are invited because of their relationship to and with her.

I wonder if the grandmother and all the other nasty cousins / aunts / uncles / parents / in laws rocked up to the wedding of their granddaughter, daughter, niece, cousin celebrate the marriage to the Dad of these children - who they are now excluding?

I’m still wondering how often the cousin’s husband has put his hand in his pocket to host a party or meal out to encourage his wife’s family to get to know his kids?

Why wouldn’t they go to the marriage to their family member when invited?

If they did, I would imagine that they didn’t bring along their own uninvited guests. It’s the groom that has form for that, after all.

That makes her a terrible person. Not sweet like you are trying to claim at all.

What if the GM is concerned about the size of the party and is feeling a little overwhelmed by how big its getting? I dont know if I would want such a big party and im half her age !

Have you ever been to an event with a photographer? He calls people for the relevant photos, people move in and out. I've been to many and it has never been an issue but if their father tries to take over his FIL or other relative steps in
No big deal

The other alternative is some members of the family are missing and the GGM doesn't get her photo.

Any photographers on here? How do you manage those families where someone throws a tantrum over this sort of thing? Do people sometimes warn you that Cousin Jane will go apeshit if you imply her first child is only a step grandchild and isn't included in the grandchildren photo?

I doubt they even want to go, and she doesn’t want them their but their parent is making a fuss!

Or they take 2 photos (one blood one not) - amongst a series of photos - grannie with her sister, grannie with her children, grannie with her children and their spouses, grannie with her different family group grandchildren, grannie with all the great grandchildren, grannie with blood great grandchildren - I wont bore on any longer - it’s not the barrier @Unlistedmakes out. It’s very easily and diplomatically achieved.

The other alternative is some members of the family are missing and the GGM doesn't get her photo.

Or the cousin’s husband stops being an arse.

Or the GGM accepts non biological children are still part of the family.

Whose got more to lose? I'd say the GGM but her choice.

Exactly. I remember a neighbour having a similar do, photos like you describe with the added complication of fostered children who were included but not in every photo. No one batted an eye and no one excluded.

Read the OP!!

DH and DC would be the step kids in this scenario. Step FIL is extremely close to DS (possibly more in common than with most of his GC) but DS is definitely not his GC. I presume he's had bday parties - we havent been invited and none of us care, sometimes DC will bake a cake with him the weekend after. He's got his own actual GC and my kids have their own GF (who theyre not that close to but is still their actual GF).

If we were invited to a party I imagine DC might like a little photo with step FIL on their own but I wouldn't expect them to be in a descendant photo because theyre not descendants