To find H's tiredness unattractive

[WhatADump]

Im 41 my husband is 47. We both work full time

He goes to bed at 9pm. He groans all the time. Muttering to himself "God im tired". Farting at night. He complains all the time. Doesn't want to go anywhere. The noises he makes. Hiccuping, muttering, he makes the loudest sounds getting up. He makes the kids get him stuff while h lies on the sofa. I have asked him to see the GP. But I think its psychological. He can stay up till 2am gaming if he wants. He says he just wants the quiet life and "im old just leave me alone". He says i make him feel judged.

I find it all so unattractive. Am I being horrible or unfair? He makes me feel depressed.

He's probably fed up of playing happy families and pandering to others.
It does happen.
My husband is 75 and I don't judge him for such things, it looks like you might have "the ick".

Get over it love

leave the poor guy to get on with his life.

Newsflash: we all need different amounts of sleep. Farting is a human function.

you clearly have the ick - do the guy a favour and leave him.

or do the grown up thing and ask him what's up?

Not everything needs a label.
Christ sounds like he just wants to be left alone, not everyone is going to have the same outlook and energy all their life we change.

Thanks for the tips.

A lots of that is on my list already. And it helps to an extent - I can fight one bad influence without it dragging me down, but a combination wins.

My original question was more about attitude - what would help to the OP/anyone whose partner is in this situation to not felt let down.

However, when I read the OP's update about her DH being fit and exercising regularly, just opting out of life, it seems as a completely different situation.

Oh dear. He sounds like me. I struggle to stay up past 9pm and often doze off before that. I'm sitting here in my dressing gown now and I am fundamentally lazy. Except the alarm goes off at 6 every day and I am at work by 7 and don't usually have a lunch break by the time I've got home, eaten, done the usual home stuff, I'm just exhausted and I lie on the couch. I've been to the GP so many times, I must have TATT on my notes and, besides a vit D deficiency a few years ago that is now resolved, there is never anything wrong. It is annoying, I hate myself for it but I just cannot function on less sleep.

It's deliberate. He's checked out of the marriage and family life. The Dressing Gown Of Doom, it's a thing OP. It's what the lazy ones do when they want to pretend they're ill or more ill than they are. Often noted alongside the Slipper Shuffle Of Sorrow and a woebegone expression, completed with dramatic groans and sighs each time they move. If they're pretending to have A Deadly Virus (man-flu) there'll be a lot of sniffling into a disgusting tissue too. It always comes with a total inability to get out of bed/off the sofa and do anything at all, requiring them to be waited on hand and foot. Usually occurs whenever there's anything going on that they'd rather not do, like visit your parents or look after DC in school holidays.

Another prime occurrence is immediately after you've been genuinely ill and they've had to actually do a bit of housework or childcare. The second you're out of bed, they'll be supposedly hit with the same thing, only ten times worse of course and you have to spend your recovery running around after them as well as doing everything you usually do and all the things they didn't do whilst you were incapacitated. This punishment ensuring that next time you don't try to stay in bed for even a day, not even if you're really really ill.

Yours has taken it to the next level OP and is trying to make it a full-on permanent lifestyle choice to include all evenings and weekends, for all eternity. Somehow managing to convince you that he's simultaneously a young fit gym bunny in the peak of health and also a 90 year old man who's Not Long For This World and can't possibly be asked to do anything at home ever.

You're being played.

I have sympathy! My DH is similar (age 42) He's always just needed more sleep than me but also he gets up and starts work earlier. He also has ADHD so is just a bit more on the go! I think his quality of sleep is also terrible - I think he may have sleep apnea tbh but keeps getting fobbed off by the Dr. I just feel a bit bored sometimes - sat next to someone snoring on the sofa at 9pm watching a film basically alone. Also, the snoring itself is just really annoying 😆

He needs to see his Gp regarding the fatigue and gastrointestinal symptoms.
These symptoms are red flags for some more serious issues than laziness.....

My ex was always falling asleep on the sofa, in bed by 9pm, no interest in anything. Turns out having multiple affairs and living a double life during the work day is quite tiring!!!

It sounds like he just wants to lie around and game all night, I think there's a much higher chance that's the case rather than him having an undiagnosed disease. He might be less tired if he didn't stay up til 2am?

You say it's not medical - but mental health is a medical issue, too. Try and get him to the GP first and the Dr will check him over, blood tests etc. Men may also suffer from anaemia or thyroid problems which can cause tiredness etc. Try and get him out for a walk, anything in the fresh air. No good waiting for him to shift himself, as many, many women have found, you will have to "motivate" him somehow.

Because he's a bit farty? My husband would be at the surgery all the time if that warranted an appointment. It's usually worth addressing lifestyle factors first before popping to the surgery

Fatigue alongside the farting and hiccups is worth a Drs visit.
I lost my husband aged 48 yrs to bowel cancer ,i wish i had seen his gp when he had hiccups ,farting and fatigue ,it may have saved his life.

I don't want to image what he's doing on the phone on bed without you. Ugh!

The word you want is "lazy".

get a blood pressure monitor. You can buy on Amazon

I have had the same situation before OP. We are a bit younger but still he was overweight and just not intersted in anything. I told him i love him but no way on earth would I sleep with him in that state... funnily enough he joined the gym and sorted his s**t out! Funny that! Maybe he just needs a rocket up his arse and if nothing changes, go find your own happiness life is too short.

I knew those kids would come in handy one day! 😊

Keep on at them about a sleep study. I did, and it changed my life! He may need to be prescribed a CPAP mask. It's a bit uncomfortable for the first couple of weeks, but you soon get used to it. Ive had mine over ten years, and I dont even notice I have it on!

That'll do it! How does someone only have affairs in the daytime??

Why are older men SO loud? My DH is a bit older than yours and the same - getting up in the morning, you’d think there was a hippo in the room! Grunting, groaning, heavy breathing, snorting, muttering. It’s so annoying!

Mine is like this but he is 65.it is very unattractive.
Acid reflux,tiredness,apathy heavy sighing for years
.GP told him about acid reflux cause and prescribed anti depressants.This was 3 years ago.He didn't take any advice and became angry at my attempts to pursuade him to walk or eat healthier.
Last week he had another heart scare having had a heart attack 13 yrs ago with stents.
This time was 9 hours in acute care with a battery of heart tests and blood tests.Nothing wrong but he now has been eating fruit and vegetables.
No idea why some men are unmotivated to lookafter themselves.
I do agree it's unattractive and will affect your sex life.I would tell him straight to get a GP appointment or buck up.

As an aside, last night I was up all night as our youngest is unwell - tummy ache, temp. Up at 2am, 3 and then 4. Both kids up at 7am. H sleeps through it all. I ask H if he can take kids downstairs and im gonna try and get another hour sleep. H reluctantly agrees. 20 mins later he shakes me awake to ask where the iPad is. Like comes info the dark room at 7.30 on a Sat and literally shakes me awake. The iPad is in the kitchen. He will call me ridiculous for being annoyed as such a smal thing but his exhaustion, sleep, naps are so important only for him. Now im tired!

As an aside, last night I was up all night as our youngest is unwell - tummy ache, temp. Up at 2am, 3 and then 4. Both kids up at 7am. H sleeps through it all. I ask H if he can take kids downstairs and im gonna try and get another hour sleep. H reluctantly agrees. 20 mins later he shakes me awake to ask where the iPad is. Like comes info the dark room at 7.30 on a Sat and literally shakes me awake. The iPad is in the kitchen. He will call me ridiculous for being annoyed as such a smal thing but his exhaustion, sleep, naps are so important only for him. Now im tired!