To find H's tiredness unattractive

[WhatADump]

Im 41 my husband is 47. We both work full time

He goes to bed at 9pm. He groans all the time. Muttering to himself "God im tired". Farting at night. He complains all the time. Doesn't want to go anywhere. The noises he makes. Hiccuping, muttering, he makes the loudest sounds getting up. He makes the kids get him stuff while h lies on the sofa. I have asked him to see the GP. But I think its psychological. He can stay up till 2am gaming if he wants. He says he just wants the quiet life and "im old just leave me alone". He says i make him feel judged.

I find it all so unattractive. Am I being horrible or unfair? He makes me feel depressed.

Op, book you both into a yearly check up.
You are over 40 and it's sensbile that you want to stay healthy.
Phone and ask for almost free kits to check for bowel cancer, to be posted out yearly.

Buy only healthy food.
Encourage early nights for you both.
Take a daily walk together.

If your DH is still SO old and tired after improving his lifestyle he might be depressed.
Does he work in a physically demanding job?

Good that the kids are learning to cook and make food but they need to say NO to their Dad sometimes - especially when he has been up playing computer games. That is self inflicted and selfish behaviour.

Take up some hobbies, Op, including one that DH might find enjoyable - ie golf, rambling, model planes, concerts.

I don't think telling it's unattractive will be helpful in anyway. I had fatigue issues while I was married and my ex made it clear he was disgusted with me.

The doctor or marriage counselling is a very fair ultimatum though. If there is a physical issue, you want a partner who will try and work to resolve it and not settle for poor health that is affecting the family, although not all health issues can necessarily be rectified.

I would even go so far as to suggest your partner needs to organise the marriage counselling, because there is nothing worse than a husband attending a therapy session to appease his wife and be able to say 'look what I did', and it is very easy for a man to do when a woman has organised it all.

I would also say there is a chance your husband could be the same as mine was, he didn't much like family life with young demanding children and ended up not liking me very much either, but he disliked the idea of being alone even more, so at the 11th hour he would always pull out some small efforts. Don't fall for that, get out, and free yourself if he is just a miserable bastard.

If he wants to be left alone that means nobody getting or making him things. Or even speaking to him.

Huffing, puffing, being too lazy to get your own food, doing no housework or physical activity for either work or leisure, no wonder he feels old. Laziness will do that to you.

But 47 is far from old and I know 92 year olds that do 50x more than what he does. If he doesn't need a doctor then he really is just lazy.

Once you and the kids stop pandering to him he'll soon realize he doesn't want to be left alone after all. But by that time it could be too late.

Be careful OP. In my early 50s I was exhausted, falling asleep on the sofa at 8pm. My then partner whined about me ignoring him, about not getting enough sex.

He gave me an ultimatum, so I finished it. Those who loved me sent.me to a gp. I had breast cancer. I got that sorted, health restored, then ex wanted to come back. Not a chance cos I knew what he really cared about and it wasn't me.

Get your dh to a doctor. There are lots of possible causes for tiredness, but it needs dealing with.

Needs a better sleep schedule

But it would be a start off point. At the moment he doesn't appear to think there is anything wrong at all. It could be there isn't anything wrong. At least bloods would rule some things in or out. If they didn't show anything then it would be for him to discuss with the GP if they wanted anything else to be considered, which is more than he is doing now

"He can stay up till 2am gaming if he wants"

Get yourself a hobby and leave him to it

my husabnd has been like this pretty much since we got married at 28.

I asked him to see a doctor and he refused. always says hes fine.

the stress doing everythign sent me into psychosis.

it could be you DH has sleep apnoea - I think my husband does but again he refuses to see a doctor. I suspect I ahd it but I went on a healthy eating regime and lost 5 stone - DH dint join me in that endeavour, ate the healthy food and then junk on top and a bottle of wine a night.

He also farted the biggest farts and just thought it was cute

unti li had the psychosis I dont know hwy but I just worshipped the sound he trod on

Thanks everyone. I should clarify he's actually quite fit. I knoe it doesnt sound like it. But he goes to the gym and for runs. Its just when hes at home, hes puts on his dressing gown and just becomes a 90 yr old man. He has these habits. Cereal in bed. Naps on the sofa during the weekend. And just everything is sooooo hard. "I'm so tired, i can't" all the time. I do think its more mindset than physical

It depends what he’s doing about it, if all he does is moan but doesn’t look at his diet, exercise or see a GP then I’d find him unattractive too. I cannot bear people who moan but do nothing about it. My dh can be the same but when he refuses to address things I start ignoring the comments like that. If it’s attention he doesn’t get it till he does something about it

Yes, I would address potential lifestyle factors before heading to the GP.

There’s nothing more unattractive than someone who moans!

I have noticed that couples get to an age where the kids grow up and suddenly the mum has more time/energy and wants to do more things whilst the man goes the opposite way.
I’ve actually lost count of how many times I’ve heard that happening.

I would encourage him to go and see the gp but I’d also be telling him to stop being so lazy or to stop moaning.

Mine too; some evenings, I get no connection whatsoever. He does clean up after I've cooked, but often in a grumpy way. I remind myself that he's exhausted after long hours and a long commute in a pressured job which is getting more difficult and unpleasant by the month (cuts in services and staffing), but it's still lonely for me.

i had exactly the same!!! If he refuses to get help you are both on different paths and will be time to make a decision as you are teaching your kids that this is how a normal relationship works and we all know it isnt.

He could be very ill!

@WhatADump Please try not to judge. He obviously needs to see a Dr to get checked out. Please be aware that initial tests may not show anything so please don't judge then either. I had anaemia and could barely move. I got so many awful judgy comments pre diagnosis - that "I just needed to hit the gym etc. The more you move the more energy you have!" Actually dangerous advice.

People don't understand what exhaustion is like. I also wanted the world to go and leave me alone. I don't game but I get the escapism. I think that's a red herring. Perhaps look at the health boards and people's experience with chronic fatigue etc too.

Edit. Just saw your update about the gym. Please do look at chronic fatigue threads. People initially are sometimes still going to gym in early days but then have nothing left. I just hate people dismissing exhaustion as a mind thing when it could have a real physical cause ...

All the best.

@ByQuaintAzureWasp perimenopause used to be called menopause. But technically menopause is reached when you haven’t had periods for 12 months, and then you’re in menopause for the rest of your life. Peri is the phase leading up to that where your hormones fluctuate.

@WhatADump If he’s not eating appropriately after exercising he might be depleting his glycogen reserves.

Depends which way round his attitude started from. Does he see himself as old because he is always feeling tired and lethargic (which could be medical), or is he tired because he embraces the old too much (and would likely be referring to himself as elderly at 60). The former would be more understandable, the latter would be a total turn off.

I was going to say he needs to exercise so he some energy back but you say he’s fit.
In that case I’d be sitting him down for a chat, telling him in no uncertain terms how gross and disappointing his behaviour is, and he needs to go to the gp and have his bloods checked then buck his ideas up. It’s NOT ok to check out of family life and leave you to do all the running around. I think I’d Offer to help him get started with organising, meal prep whatever, but then the effort has to come from him.
you've currently got an extra child to look after and it’s not good enough.
I work with a couple of men like this, constantly moaning and huffing and puffing and it’s completely insufferable. One of them even takes himself off to be pub on a Saturday afternoon for some ‘quiet time’ (his wife works full time as well) I can’t imagine being married to one!

That's interesting. I've only heard 'vagina' used to refer to the vulva on American TV shows. Must be a regional and/or generational thing.

Bloods, test Vitamin D and B12, folate and ferritin too.
start him on a multivitamin every day, extra points if you can get one for grumpy older men.
anyone who stays up til 2 am is going to be tired. Simple cause and effect
sounds awful.
just do the things you want to and leave him groaning on the sofa

I mean in many ways I can’t blame him, however as the other half of a romantic/sexual partnership - yes big turn off. Maybe he had lost sense of this.

I’m divorced so can moan and groan as much as I want! There’s a positive.

Have you asked him at any point how he feels about your marriage and whether you should continue it?

Maybe it's him that has the ick.

Does he do any exercise? It's very hard to get started and it's easy to get into a cycle of feeling tired and shit and not wanting to move and then feeling even more tired and shit and finding it even harder to move. If he's not moving off the sofa then he's aging himself.

Advise him to see the doctor in case there's more to it (but you can't "get" someone else to do anything) and encourage any signs of activity. And get on with your own life in the meantime.