To find H's tiredness unattractive

[WhatADump]

Im 41 my husband is 47. We both work full time

He goes to bed at 9pm. He groans all the time. Muttering to himself "God im tired". Farting at night. He complains all the time. Doesn't want to go anywhere. The noises he makes. Hiccuping, muttering, he makes the loudest sounds getting up. He makes the kids get him stuff while h lies on the sofa. I have asked him to see the GP. But I think its psychological. He can stay up till 2am gaming if he wants. He says he just wants the quiet life and "im old just leave me alone". He says i make him feel judged.

I find it all so unattractive. Am I being horrible or unfair? He makes me feel depressed.

Did you miss the part where he lays around getting the kids to fetch things ? And he likes to game untill the early hours .
Id guess he has a bad diet and eats rubbish too “while laying on the sofa “
Hence all the breaking of wind .

How much I wish id been like this with my DH! His issues and refusal to address them ended up breaking me completely when I went into psychosis from stress

Mine is similar. He’s not unwell, he’s always been low energy and my children are low energy, I’m hyper and like to move, his family is like that, they stay in bed watching tv for hours, it’s learned behaviour, he hates driving after 7pm, he’s usually sitting or lying down by 7pm, he does work in a physical job 10 hours per day.
His Dad hates driving after 5pm, It is very annoying. His whole family would be in their rooms by 6pm when he lived there lying watching tv. I can’t do that.

@WhatADump i think this would be off putting at 23,33,43,53,63 I wouldn’t be turning the blame onto yourself .

If you have the “ick” then you have to accept that . I’d be sleeping elsewhere and why do people make the loud noises ??? Be quiet I say. People change op and maybe you’re not ready for stinky old boring man behaviour.

I have a health condition that hates me makes me tired. I couldn’t sit up to 2am these days. Your dh is making his choices that are effecting your marriage .

Me too

I'm in my 70s and haven't a clue either . There seems to be a medical diagnosis for every stage of life ..

Sorry, I cross posted with your post about exercise. Then serious words need to be had about what he is doing to your relationship with him and his relationship with his children in the long run. Something needs to change for his sake as well as yours.

I don’t think you’re cynical I think you’re spot on.

People are really quick to bring bogus diagnoses in these situations but I would bet good money that there’s nothing medically wrong with him. He’s a lazy, self centred oaf who can’t be arsed and has aged prematurely because he has no interests in his life.

Honestly I would divorce him. What is the point of being married to someone who brings nothing to your life?

I would bet good money on this too - strangely I would also bet money that he would suddenly find immense motivation if it was a stag weekend in Prague etc

Kind of like the Royle family except in bedroom rather than lounge -

How is his eating and how full on is his job?

Well no, not that extreme but on that spectrum. 😆

We only had one tv growing up, it was my Dad’s after 6pm so we learned to find other interesting things to do.

Does he pull his weight around the house/with the kids? Or is he leaving you to do it all?

To be fair, as a woman, I was much more tired at 47 compared to 41. Worlds apart. This is when the age difference starts to matter. Hope you work it out.

I love going to bed at 9pm...

Perimenopause explanation. It's not the actual menopause, it's the period running up to it, during which women start to experience various, mainly pretty unpleasant symptoms

www.lscft.nhs.uk/services/service-finder-z/community-pain-service/perimenopause-menopause-and-pain

so unattractive op!

My husband is 48 and we have a 1 year old and 4 year old.

we still are out clubbing all night regularly and at several music festivals in the summer - up and out every weekend - decent social life etc

if he was behaving like yours id be pissed off tbh - especially if he wouldnt see a doctor

Id just start carving out my own life without him at this stage op - get out and do things and take holidays with friends or the kids and leave him to mope!

My DP was like this. But he could go out each weekend to get drunk and game, eat takeaways and fall asleep on the sofa. I thought I was solely a bad lifestyle.

he had no drive to anything - well I thought with me. I have him an ultimatum to go to GP

he had diabetes type 2. Unsurprisingly as he ate rubbish and became overweight. This gave him a shock. He now lost weight, exercises and is in a better mood.

I think his tiredness made him mildly depressed and he was stuck in a rut.

Most adults are tired. Not much point in talking about it constantly.

OP my husband was a bit like this for a large chunk of last year, was tired, grumpy (sometimes), had bad wind, indigestion, was focusing on negative things. He had a heart attack day before Christmas Eve, came out of the blue.
Thankfully he is going to be ok, it maybe that your husband's underlying issue is medical, would be worth him getting a check up at the GP just to rule out anything.

Move him into spare bed.
he can make all the farts and noises he wants in there and it’ll do wonders for your rage.

Thing is though it isn’t just being tired. It’s being tactically tired to get out of participating in family life.

Most middle aged people with jobs and kids are tired.

But this is turning it into an art form and doing it selectively to avoid the dull drudgery of family responsibilities. There’s a long history of middle aged men doing this to manipulate their “tiredness” to get their spouses to step up to fill the gap they have created.

This guy is allegedly fairly fit so there’s no obvious indication of a health issue. By all means get health issues ruled out but I don’t think this is the issue. Its weaponised tiredness.

"He makes the kids get him stuff while h lies on the sofa."
I'd be knocking that on the head for a start. I'd be telling him they are neither servants nor slaves. I'd be telling the kids that daddy needs to move more, so it would be kinder to daddy if they didn't fetch and carry for him.

"He says he just wants the quiet life and "im old just leave me alone". He says i make him feel judged."
I'd be telling him that I AM judging him, and finding him lacking! And - "I'm old"? At 47? My DH is 62 and doesn't behave like that! And I'd be making sure that the last thing he gets from such behaviour is a quiet life.

"My husband is creeping off to bed at 8.30pm some evenings to look at his phone and ignro3 me."
If he's soooo tired, why is he taking his phone to bed? Porn? Is that what his behaviour is all about, prefers the synthetic world to real life?

I'd be having a Big Talk with him. Pointing out how his behaviour is impacting yourself and the children and yes I am judging you and no I am not putting up with this any longer, you either go to the GP and get checked out or you get up off your arse and participate in family life. And no more taking your phone to bed either.

Same but im not divorced never married thank god.
But I've been single for years.
And huff and puff mooch and fart when I want.
Im not as active as I use to be as I said in my previous post.
But everyone seems to think you need a doctor because we have slowed down.

I go to bed early but cant sleep till almost 2am so sit with youtube.

All these things are likely criminal to some on the internet!

Well I think Esther Perel said it best when she talked about the fact that the way a lot of people conduct themselves in their romantic relationships if it were a business or a job, they’d be getting the sack or there wouldn’t be a business. Putting in little effort and just expecting your partner to be attracted, or not realising that sexual attraction has to be kept up in a long term relationship. You’ve got to keep working at it and cultivating an environment that’s conducive to it.