To find H's tiredness unattractive

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Im 41 my husband is 47. We both work full time

He goes to bed at 9pm. He groans all the time. Muttering to himself "God im tired". Farting at night. He complains all the time. Doesn't want to go anywhere. The noises he makes. Hiccuping, muttering, he makes the loudest sounds getting up. He makes the kids get him stuff while h lies on the sofa. I have asked him to see the GP. But I think its psychological. He can stay up till 2am gaming if he wants. He says he just wants the quiet life and "im old just leave me alone". He says i make him feel judged.

I find it all so unattractive. Am I being horrible or unfair? He makes me feel depressed.

My DP is like this - he's overweight and wonders why he's always tired 🙄

Blood test might give some answers.

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice. When I was at my worst post covid ( and I had a ton of issues) I often used to get up in middle of night and go down , make tea and scroll on my phone. My h used to get really agitated about it , so in the end I did the spare room thing till I started improving

When? Like how long for it to pass?

I would definitely ask him to go and get some blood tests to rule out anything medical.

Crikey, I was running around after a three year old at his age!

So I would get him to have some health checks. I went through a stage of being very tired in my 30s which used to annoy my then partner, but it turned out I wasn’t at all well.

True story- I worked with someone who became so lazy he would doze off at his desk. He was suspended and was once seen shopping with dried food around his mouth and stains on his clothes. His wife was pretty disgusted with him. He died of a brain tumor and he was aged just 43.

Op it could be a combination of things but getting the kids to get him food etc is out of order.

i get really lethargic this time of year,lack of sunlight in general,shit weather,and I can be my own worst enemy in that I don’t drink enough water and eat shit and I then feel like shit

could this be what he’s doing?

when your in a bit of a funk it’s hard to get out of it so a good blood check would help as if he’s deficient in anything that would also explain it.

it could also be an underlying issue which is always good to get checked but tell him to grow up and be an adult by going to the gp and being pro active about it.

leave him on the sofa and go do your own thing thing but tell him that’s what your doing and tell him you feel like he’s checking out of general life and it’s pissing you off.

I don’t agree with the poster upthread saying could be your hormones etc because that’s kind of reflecting it bak in you.

every now and then I get annoyed at dh lack of get up and go and it causes resentment.

I can bet your the one doing the mentsl
load of family life while he’s checked out for a minute?

well tell him that’s ok because your going to check out soon and he can deal with the it all.

and remind him your partners and meant to be on the same responsibility level,him not doing anything about it will def give you the ick

He sounds very hard to be attracted to

I was getting annoyed with my husband last year for this and it turned out his iron was very very low and he had been bleeding from a large growth in his colon for around a year. Only found out due to blood tests for something else. Definitely worth getting checked out!

I'd really really leave him alone. He sounds insufferable.

Why do you stay with him? You're incompatible now. He's "old" in his personality. And he possibly has health issues he won't sort out. Doesn't sound like he's exercising or taking basic care of himself, eating nutritious food etc.

Worth getting him to go to the doctors for some bloods. Could be something minor that is easily sorted, but could be something more serious that needs treatment. If neither of those, then yes be annoyed.

Some of those symptoms are similar to mine before being diagnosed as anaemic, having underactive thyroid, or celiac. Not all diagnosed at the same time, but was diagnosed with underactive thyroid a few months before being anaemic, so hard to tell which was causing things such as tiredness. Over 15 years later the celiac was picked up because I went to the doctor for symptoms not related to my stomach - bloods showed I was anaemic, and gluten antibodies were raised - which led to other investigations. Hadn't realised how bloated I was, until I cut out the gluten.

This is unfair - there are loads of conditions that don't show up on any tests yet that have these symptoms. He could be really ill and you'd never have it show up on a test.

I think this has some truth. But why dont I hate my kids/family/friends/colleagues

Because they're not lazy shits who show you no consideration and you're not married to them?

I think your gut instinct is right and it's nothing to do with menopause.

It doesn't matter that he's only 47. He's basically announced that he's 80, not interested in being healthy, not interested in family and home life, doesn't really care about anyone except himself and told you effectively to fuck off. That's what you're married to. Anybody in their right mind would be angry about it.

Worth getting him to go to the doctors for some bloods. Could be something minor that is easily sorted, but could be something more serious that needs treatment. If neither of those, then yes be annoyed.

Lots have said this so it's not you in particular I'm picking at, but collectively, why don't you all think she's allowed to be annoyed now? Why isn't she allowed to be annoyed that this grown man isn't willing to take any care of his own health at all. He's not her pet! She can't just "take him to the doctor's". It's not her decision or her responsibility.

No advice, but a question. What would help from his side?

I'm in your DH's place.
I'm feeling tired. GP didn't found anything out of order. I'm trying to be more active and it does get better, but every small illness or other problem returns me to the too tired to get up and do something stage.
I've resolved an orthopedic issue which was limiting me when I do have energy, but no clue about the energy itself.

I'm trying to be fair - planning active time together, doing things when I can (so it's not everything on my DP). But sometimes it's me on the coach at 2 am playing a mindless game. Because it's something I can do and feel normal while doing so, forget about not having the zing to get up and ....

Maybe he's been going to the doctors for years - you have no idea. I'd been going to the doctors for about 30 years with many of these symptoms before I managed to get a diagnosis of anything at all. Less and less often as the years went on as it just felt like there was no point. They did some silly blood tests most times and told you there was nothing wrong with you when you knew everything was wrong with you. It may be that he doesn't advertise these trips to the doctor as what's there to say about them? When you're constantly told that nothing's wrong and you have no way of proving that something is wrong, what do you do? Anyone ill or disabled with anything that doesn't show up quickly on a test will be gaslit into pretending they're ok/just not trying hard enough for years or even decades.

It's the new buzz-word for menopause. Everything is "peri" now. I suppose it's shorter to type. Technically menopause is the point where periods stop. There's often a bunch of symptoms for years before that happens. It all used to be just called menopause and everyone knew what people meant. I guess some people like to be more medically accurate now. Like the way a lot of people will talk about their vulva because vagina is technically only the inside bit. It's just language usage evolution.

I thought that saying'vagina' instead of 'vulva' was an American thing. Thr vagina has always been the passage up to the womb. it's not a new thing in the UK to say 'vulva' or some slang expression, in my experience.

I like the quite life and i like to be left alone.
If i could i would live in the middle of know where tbh.
In my teens 20s and early 30s i was a yoyo in out travel here and there, walks etc now 40s ive slowed down.

Its not old age creeping in its just i like peace more.
I was the get up and go person now im more of meh i`ll mooch.
By all means ask him to see a gp, i was asked to see one by my ex i did, nothing wrong with me, its like a shift in life i can only speak for myself on that.
I dont hate people i have a few friends but i just rather be left alone sometimes.
And i make a huff sound getting up or sitting down not loud huffsJust ahhh,
farting well i live alone so who cares they hurt if i hold them in thanks to ibs.

Some can run after toddlers in their 40s early 50s some are having babies at that age, then theirs people like me that just dont have the get up and go like we use to.

@ThreeSixtyTwo

The standards for "well" by the NHS are abysmal. Get hold of your blood test results and research them yourself to see whether anything is off or not. Other countries have "needs treatment" at levels UK docs mark as "fine". That's assuming anyone actually looked at your test results in the first place before telling you you're fine! That's step one.

As well as stress reduction measures which, alongside good health practices, will help your immune system be it's best.

Take a multivitamin /mineral if you don't already, upgrade to a higher spec one if you do already take one. Additionally take 1000mg vitamin C at the first sign of illness and keep taking until better. Get daylight daily, even if it means a walk in the rain and even if you already do some kind of exercise.

Knock the gaming at 2am on the head too, it's possibly a sign of something like you're overtired, frustrated with your health or emotionally strung out with the pressures of life and it won't fix any of it, just be a temporary distraction that only makes things worse in the long run. If you're working 9-5 ish you need to be asleep at 2am, make it happen. Try Headspace app or something (or look for similar free stuff on YouTube).

Im mid 40s and I’d love to go to bed or lie on the couch at 9. Life is and work is exhausting! Your question about why your friends etc don’t irritate you- your dh is the adult you spend the most time with in life and you’re secretly possibly wondering why he isn’t showing you the time of your life. Everything about him is irritating you- I’d hate dh to comment on how when I fart it annoys him etc etc. I don’t know what the answer is but just for you to see another side.

I'm UK in my 40s. Everyone everywhere here called it vagina since the dawn of time as far as I'm concerned. Nobody called it anything else except old fashioned euphemisms. Vulva is a relatively new term in common use, last decade or so I guess. Can't say I monitored language exactly. I'm talking IRL not online, perhaps it was different online.

Sounds like poor diet/gut health, lack of exercise and lack of sleep. Makes anyone lethargic and it becomes a downward spiral.

If he won’t do anything about it, even when you’ve expressed concern it’s preventing you from enjoying life as a couple, he surely must realise it’s dooming your relationship.

What I mean rocking roller is people didn't used to talk in medical terms.

Controlling husbands were "difficult/demanding", now they're "abusive".
People were "upset/feeling down/grief stricken/heartbroken", now they're "depressed".
People got "worried/stressed", now they "have anxiety".
Annoying parents/in-laws were a "pain in the arse", now they're "narcissistic/toxic".
There were "retarded/special needs" kids, now people name their specific disorder.

I'm not saying it's wrong, just that people didn't used to be so medically exact in the way they described things, that's all.

(Sorry for the thread derail OP)