Working away

[marioooocart]

DH works full time remote on approx 26k salary. Contract is fully remote although there is a head office, he never has to visit.

Manager has delegated some more responsibilities to him (for no extra pay!) and has now asked him to go and do some team bonding in the head office. This invokes a four hour train journey the day before, two days team bonding and then 4 hours back the day after training. So I would lose him for four days. We have a two year old and zero family support. No extra pay involved for this but will pay expenses.

Company are acting as if they are doing him a massive favour and as if it will be very fun. Around 20 of them are going (not his whole company, there’s thousands, and not from his team either as he’s never heard of these people) as it will be team bonding and they are talking about a fun night out although no talk of company paying for this.

Manager is now saying this could be every 3 months or so. I will need to take time off work to deal with childcare etc if he does. AIBU to think this is not the great deal and fun his manager seems to think it is? It’s not a free holiday and massively inconveniences us and DH is on barely more than minimum wage. I would expect trips away for someone on a much higher salary. It just seems a bit of a piss take.

DH can say no as it isn’t in his contract but I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable here and I think he’s a bit worried about not seeming like a team player.

My dad had to (or chose to!) travel for his work. My mum resented it , while still nagging him about promotion prospects. He loved the challenges he had, and still talks about them (aged 78!)
My DH was in the forces, so away a lot, sometimes very inconveniently. I accepted it as part of his job. My job also sometimes inconveniently impacted on my family.
It depends if your DH feels it is something that would benefit him, and/ or your family. If not, he should look for another job.

I don't think the salary is relevant from a company perspective. I was expected to travel occasionally when I was on less than £15k. Is it a piss-take? Yes I think so, I'd be very annoyed but does come with the territory.

So if you're willing to say no and face some level of repercussion (less opportunities, etc.) if it comes to that - it probably won't - probably a risk worth taking, but makes him an obvious target for less favours or even first to be laid off should cuts be needed.

You say it's not a career, suggest he gets on with that instead...

He obviously doesn't have to go, but these things are good to build relationships within a business. Does he want to go?

Personally, I think you are making a big deal out of nothing. He doesn't have to go every quarter; he could go once or twice a year, and on the days he's travelling, I'm sure he could leave late, come back early, so not full days.

Relationships are about compromise, sure, most couples would try to make this work, sorry to say, but you seem come across rather controlling.

Why are you commenting if you haven’t read all of my posts?

He already told them he won’t be going. Going once or twice isn’t an option. You have to go to them all as part of “taking on some new responsibilities”. He either accepted the new responsibilities (without any pay rise) and went to them all or turned it down. He turned it down as this would also mean having to do meetings occasionally in the middle of the night.

I'm sure he could leave late, come back early, so not full days

Why are you so sure? I’ve explained we’re rural. Trains finish really early here and his employer was only willing to cover the cheapest option of travel which meant 2 buses and 3 trains. Hence why he would have to go for four nights. This has all been mentioned in all of my posts.

Can you explain how the OP is coming across as controlling? I am genuinely curious as to how you came to that conclusion.

Compromise means both parties meeting in the middle. OP has already explained several times that there is no meeting in the middle here. There are no concessions her DH can make here. Either OP puts herself out massively by using up 16 days of holidays to facilitate childcare or he says no.

I'm sure he could leave late, come back early, so not full days.

Shes explained several times this won’t happen. His employer are cheap bastards who won’t pay for adequate transportation.

She has also explained several times DH does not want to go. Nobody wants to go.

So please, how is this controlling?

15k is an absolute joke!

We are not bothered about lack of opportunities etc as this job was a strategic move so we would work around childcare. The complete remoteness and the flexibility of the hours is why he took it. We did discuss him being a SAHD until DD got into school (I’m the higher earner) but he didn’t like that idea so this is what works for us.

Once DD is in school he will probably go back into the industry he is qualified in but until then a job is exactly what he needs.

I was with you on your first post, OP, but all your subsequent posts have made you sound more and more angry, frustrated and inflexible. So now I'm not so sure.

I think you were determined from the start you didn't want your DH to do this and thus haven't really considered any way it could work - all your posts are along the lines of you taking 16' days leave or nothing. That's it.

Moot point now as I see he's not going, but my view would tend to be that it's these sorts of opportunities that lead to a step up at work. Building new contacts, demonstrating flexibility, that sort of thing.

It's a shame you couldn't make it work just for the first one, at which point he would have been in a much stronger position to negotiate taxis/car hire/whatever for future trips, turning them into one overnight rather than three. Now he's just the guy who said no.

Did a several rolls where I was expected to travel and stay away. Often weekly I would be away 2 or 3 nights at times. Either you accept that that's the job, your DH buys into it and uses the opportunity to network, grow his knowledge/reputation or he gets another job

Ha this sounds exactly like my old work place. Im glad he has said no. They cannot make one person do extra tasks while the rest of the team do not. Even if it was in his contract he could have said the extra work should be shared out fairly.

I'm glad to see it worked out OP.

I've been in a fully remote job for a year. I'm personally not bothered about being asked to go into the office occasionally and I'm sure my manager knows that (it's local to me) BUT whenever I have been asked to go in for training it's been with the caveat of if it doesn't work for me they will do it all remotely.

Fully remote contracts mean just that.

My husband travels for work every couple of months but our kids are school age and he is paid more than that. It’s still logistically difficult when he’s away - far less so than when I was wrangling two toddlers thankfully, but when he’s away it seems to always be someone is sick or there’s a house issue or something so I miss a lot of work to facilitate his career. I find it hugely annoying so I understand. In this scenario I’d start looking for a new job - appreciate there’s a lot of benefits to this one but you might find something similar that is truly 100% remote as he has experience now.

Have you actually read the OP’s posts?

Glad it's sorted @marioooocart. Hopefully now your DH has said no, his manager will realise he's not the pushover he previously thought & not automatically choose him for picking up the crap that no one else is willing to do.

I wouldn't be doing away trips on a salary like that. He isn't contracted to do it so he can say no due to childcare responsibilities.

Yes thank god he’s the guy who said no, alongside the rest of the team who haven’t let themselves be bullied into it either! He would much rather be the guy who said no than the guy who logs on in the middle of the night to host meetings because the company know they can take the piss!

Manager has been whinging all day about having to go himself but someone else has reminded him this is what happens when they hire 100% remote workers. They want to stay 100% remote as they took the job for a reason.

Even if some trips away did appeal to someone, nobody would be willing to do it because it would mean accepting the “extra responsibility” which is a crock of shit and nobody wants.

He’s shut up about it now thankfully.