visit a friend * [Content note: concerns stillbirth]

[rosepedal]

hi i posted on a different thread. I had a still birth 7 weeks ago. My very good friend had a baby the same time as my story and she wants me to come visit her. she did say i should take my time if i dont feel ready. I feel fine right now but emotions come up at random times. Im wondering if i should just rip off the bandaid and go visit, even though i may cry or should i wait? i may also be fine i jist dont know, im wondering anyone that went through a stillbirth and had close friends/relatives who had babies , when did they go?

i am very close to her but im private about my levels of grief with people. Maybe i dont like to 'burden" anyone. i dont know. Only my DH im able to truly be myslef

Does anyone have advice on how to stop comfort eating?

Hi Op, firstly I'm sorry about your baby. I had a stillbirth and neonatal death 2 years ago. My baby boys were twins. It's shattering

I remember visiting a relative who had a baby 6 weeks after my sons died. I did cry but they understood. They were just as nervous as me. You dont have to go as well. I went to far too many baby related things after my twins and I wish I had been kinder to myself. It's the worst thing a parent can go through and sometimes the grief is so strong, you dont realise it

I hope you are getting the right support. 2 years on the grief is still heavy so you need to take care of yourself. It's s very tough road that is life long. Feel free to ask any questions or reach out.

I hope she's a really good and understanding friend. Go, but warn your friend you don't know how you'll react. You may burst into floods of tears, you may obsessively cuddle her baby, you may just have to leave if you can't cope. Sorry, OP, but babies are everywhere, at least this way encountering one is within your control. Sending you so much love ❤️

Op I’m so sad for you.
I had a full term stillborn baby in traumatic circumstances 12 years ago. I still mourn her and cry about her.
I couldn’t even listen to my in-laws talk about my nephew doing things like playing in tents or whatever for months and I already knew and loved him.
I did go to see a friend with a young baby (at crawling stage) briefly out for lunch and I dealt with that fine but .. that was about 3 months after - 7 weeks I’d no time at all.
Re the eating.. do what you have to do. I went on long walks with my dog and my headphones but I also went and talked to friends in the pub very soon afterwards and cried with them. Everyone is different. You could and probably should look into bereavement counselling- it kept me alive (her death really hit me at 5-6 months) as survival mode was strong in me for months.
All the biggest hugs to you

It took me a very long time to be able to go near another baby after mine was stillborn OP. Some very thoughtless friends who were due slightly after us actually rang at 3am a few weeks after to say their baby had been born and they'd wanted us to know first.... it was like rubbing salt into the wound. I cried for hours after. When they asked to come and see us, I told DH to tell them I was in no fit state to celebrate their arrival, no matter how pleased I was for them that their baby had been born safe and well.

There is no bandaid to rip, ffs. You are grieving a huge loss and there is no time frame for you to be manage this. What a horrid cruel thing to say. I'm sorry for your loss

I am so sorry for your loss. You are grieving the loss of your child, your needs come first, not the wants of your friend. Please look after yourself

So sorry for your loss.

A friend's son was still born a few weeks before my son was born. She didn't want to see me while I was still pregnant, but did come to see me about 3 weeks after I gave birth. She wanted to do it, it all came from her, but she didn't stay long and I have not seen her since. It was too much for her and I had to respect that. Please don't push yourself to be ready - you might never be, there's certainly no rush. Grief has its own timetable.

its tough. i so badly want to be ready to see her and her baby. but it is what it is and i have to deal with it and not push it

I have no first hand experience of this, so please feel free to ignore me. I would say if she's a good friend will she mind you reacting to however you feel in the moment? Have an exit strategy so you can get away if you need to. Could someone else come with you for backup, and possibly stay with you for a bit when you get home.

So sorry for your loss. It's still such early days for you. Be kind to yourself above all else.

My sister and I were pregnant together, due a couple of weeks apart. We were incredibly close and were happy to be expecting at the same time.
Our daughter was born and lived for 8 days and then died.
She had a healthy daughter not long afterwards.

I can't remember how long after her baby was born I went to visit. Life was a blur at the time for me.
It was tough, but my sister was very understanding. She never rushed me. She asked if I wanted to be left alone with my niece, which I did and I just cried and cried.
I love my niece, but her life has been a constant reminder of what I had missed out on. (Despite us going on to have 5 more children)

I would say just take your time. Don't expect too much of yourself.
I hope your friend will understand and just allow you to do whatever feels right for you at the time.

That is so thoughtful of your sister, asking you ifyou want some alone time with thr baby. I would love that