visit a friend * [Content note: concerns stillbirth]

[rosepedal]

hi i posted on a different thread. I had a still birth 7 weeks ago. My very good friend had a baby the same time as my story and she wants me to come visit her. she did say i should take my time if i dont feel ready. I feel fine right now but emotions come up at random times. Im wondering if i should just rip off the bandaid and go visit, even though i may cry or should i wait? i may also be fine i jist dont know, im wondering anyone that went through a stillbirth and had close friends/relatives who had babies , when did they go?

I’m so sorry your baby died.

You don’t ever have to see her, actually. Perhaps she is scared you won’t ever want to, and that’s the root of her awful band aid comment. Give yourself time, love. Loads of it. 7 weeks is chuff all. And remember, your feelings are valid: act on them, no matter how insensitive friends and family may be. This is your life, and you need so much care and gentleness now and for a good while yet.

God no OP, don't put yourself through that, there's really no need. Give yourself time.

Thanks for all the validation and for the "permission to not go" at the moment.

I got a lot of joy from seeing and holding other people’s babies, but my baby died at 13 months old so maybe a bit different. I took strength from seeing them and it helped me to find positives (and strangely there always are). Was your baby full term?

I am so so sorry for your loss. That is so hard to deal with. my baby was born on his due date. I have good days and hard day. and i never know when ill be triggered.

Sorry, but I don’t like her message. If you were my daughter I’d want you to stay well away from her for now.

It doesn’t matter how ‘nicely’ she said it, it’s the sentiment that’s ‘off’. A good friend who had any modicum of emotional intelligence, empathy or basic human decency would only have your feelings at the forefront of her mind just now and what is best for you. It sounds - maybe not - but it sounds like she’s more focussed on getting you to see her and her baby and getting over yourself than supporting you in your bereavement.

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Everyone is so different.

It took me 3 months to see my friends baby and that was because I had a miscarriage! Let alone a stillbirth (we were due at the same time)

But I also know of woman who can be around other babies shortly after their loss.

I think it’s fine to take time and space before doing these sort of things if you need too.

I just wanted to say as well that anyone that loses patience with you for not visiting their newborn just weeks after having a stillbirth is not a friend… don’t pressure yourself to visit because of this worry x

You don’t sound ready to go so don’t. This is about you, not her and her baby.

I understand what you are saying but at the same time, maybe her friend feels she doesn’t want OP to be “not invited” or feel like her friend is treating her differently. Again, never had a stillbirth which I know is way harder but after my twin miscarriage I felt others treated me differently. My friend had a baby shower and didn’t even invite me out of worry how I’d feel. I’d rather people invite me over gently and say it’s fine if I don’t feel ready then not ask me at all. I know everyone is different.

I'm sure she will be absolutely fine if you try to visit and back out at the last minute, visit for just a few minutes, or delay until later.

i think you are all right. i dont feel ready. I do esperately want to hold and smell a baby but not in fornt of anyone because im private with my greif

To be honest, it would depend on the friend. My bestest friend, I would feel comfortable and supported. There are some friends that I wouldn’t as to be honest, I wouldn’t trust them to be 100% considerate.

The band aid comment is a little bit of a red flag for me

We are all different and deal with such a loss in a very personal way. Losing my baby changed me in so many ways and it took me a long long time to come to terms with. But I did and I have always found strength in my other children (born after her) and talked about daily. A baby lost at birth is no different, there are always things to remember and celebrate about them.
Maybe this friend isn’t the best friend to understand and I agree with others posters that she hasn’t worded it terribly well. But, I would advise not to avoid babies.
I was pregnant again within 3 months of losing her and it was the best thing I ever did xxxxx

I think I posted on your other thread. It is completely and utterly not only fine but understandable if you don’t feel ready yet. A good friend will be there when you are ready and will understand why.

If you do feel like you would like to see her though would something like a walk work? It’s less baby focused and they’ll be less visible. You’re a bit more in control of whether or not you interact with the baby too or just chat to your friend about something else. There’s also a high chance that baby might be asleep so you wouldn’t hear them, I know crying is really triggering for me at the moment so I would find this helpful.

Sending you a hug.

I’m sorry about your baby.

You just need to do what is right for you. For some stupid reason I met up with what would have been my NCT group after my baby died neonatally and I went to their babies’ christenings. I can only assume I was still so numb and not really functioning properly that I wasn’t thinking straight. However, it did mean that by the time I started to ease slightly out of the fog of grief that I’d already been through most of the firsts and the rest of them I have always managed to avoid since.

How we grieve is very individual and there isn’t a right or wrong. Just remember that for years (probably forever) certain things will take you back to this and it will be upsetting eg walking into a shop and the song from the drive to hospital or the funeral being on the radio.

You are all so right. I think i will hold off for now. She will understand.

Only you know how it feels… At first, I was absolutely fine talking about colleagues who were about to/ had also just given birth.
Not sure what changed for me, but after a few months I felt as the first poster - couldn’t stand being around them. It was a proper flight/ freeze response. That year at work so many people had babies and it was a family- friendly place so they kept coming in - felt like torture…

Id say go but be prepared to need to leave quickly/ have a cry.

I totally agree with you. you never know what you can feel. when i gave birth i didnt shed a tear. i think you are just in survival mode. i think as the days go by the reality sets in

@rosepedal I am so so sorry for your loss.

I don’t think I’d even left the house within 7 weeks of my loss. It’s still so early.

Don’t feel any pressure to work to anyone else’s timeline. Prioritise yourself and your feelings. You don’t have to show anyone that you feel any certain way.

Grief is not a linear journey. There will be ‘progress’ and then maybe back to square one.

Look after yourself, and don’t put yourself under any extra strain by feeling like you should be ready for anything if you’re not.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I had a very similar experience when my son was stillborn and our best friends had their child just weeks later.

We went to see them when they got back from hospital and we knew no one else was coming to visit. In hindsight, I think i rushed back to "normal" far too quickly and they would have understood if it was too painful to go at that time.

Please be gentle with yourself. It's an indescribable pain and you've got every right to take time away for yourself.

did you also comfort eat? i feel like im eating a lot for comfort. i dont want to gain so much weight

I know, you want to feel normal. you want life to go back to what was so some ppl may rush it

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am glad you posted on here and have been able to explore your feelings and that you have decided not to go.

Dealing with profound grief is not remotely akin to ripping off a band aid. She might have said it kindly, but that does not make it a kind thing to have said!

My darling daughter died totally unexpectedly 3 months ago (aged 24). I am in the depths of grief and no way am I ready to be paying house calls, visiting people. I would take great exception to anyone who suggested I should rip off the band aid and start going out. However kindly they said it. Losing one’s child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone. Truly, you do not have to do anything at all.

I send you my hope that you will find peace.

im sending you a tight hug!!

I think a lot of this depends on just how close you are. If you are super close she will support you if you cry and sob, and not feel offended etc. If you’re not close enough to her to be able to express such raw emotions then you’re probably not ready.