Being treated better after losing weight - how true is it?

[ButIloveher]

I’ve read it on here, and elsewhere one social media many times. Women say that they are treated better once they’ve lost weight.
I want to understand what’s going on with this. Is it that rude or abusive behaviour (like being stared at or laughed at) stops, or is it that positive behaviour increases (eg being complimented or flirted with). Or are people just low-level nicer all the time?

I am not fat enough to be particularly noticeable or a target for stares, and I am also not young and pretty enough for men to be interested in flirting with me, so it’s not like if I lost weight there would be a big change in my physical desirability.

So I’m wondering whether bog-standard-overweight, average-looking middle-aged women like me really notice a change in how they’re treated? Or is it just that young pretty women suddenly get noticed or very large women stop getting abuse?

I don't really know how to vote, because I'm not sure exactly how the question is being phrased. But I've lost 8 stone and seen a massive difference in the way I'm treated. I think there's an overwhelming (and absolutely ridiculous) presumption that fat people must be failures in every aspect of life. So the base assumption is that if you're fat you're also stupid, lazy and unsuccessful and should be treated with contempt.

They see you as worthy to chat up now!

Very true.

I think some people liken being fat to some sort of failure in life.

I have a (thin) friend. I have lost weight via mounjaro and she made an excuse to see me because she saw I had lost weight.

She then seemed to think that because my sister was still fat(ish) that she would be sitting at home, in the doldrums and jealous because I was thinner. It’s a fucked up way of thinking and said more about her than me, but she definitely equates being fat with failing in life (and my making an effort with clothes / make up / hair was irrelevant because I was fat).

It's 100% true. And it's quite sad to see really

Not much difference to me - I’ve had to lose weight (with MJ) for a couple of health reasons but I’ve always been chatty and don’t lack confidence or have social anxiety or anything so I don’t think there’s any change 4 and a bit stone later. I am how I am and generally people are nice to me.

One colleague/friend of mine has really blossomed with her weight loss and said it (being thinner) has changed how people treat her but she does behave differently from the off so I think it’s a bit of both. She’s warmer, expecting a positive response when she’s having a conversation with a stranger and so gets one, is firmer at work and has more courage of her convictions.

I've not noticed that much, though I was confident, fit and carried myself well at BMI 29. I was always hourglass shaped and not round.

People definitely look at me more in the gym now, but it's somewhere people do notice one another's bodies.

I am bog standard middle aged as you say, and haven't noticed any difference. But I only lost 15kg. And am pretty spiky 😬

Im not sure,but i wonder if it may not be due to weight loss in itself ,perhaps differences in the way you are treated may be due to how you feel about yourself,the confidence aspect.
I do think being stereotypically attractive does alter the way you are treated though.

As a general impression it perhaps relates to the studies that tend to show that people who meet conventional attractiveness standards are advantaged across the board- regarded more positively in interviews, trusted more, stuff like that. I'm never sure this plays out when you look around you in the real world! but there are depressing articles affirming it intermittently- ! (obviously not saying thin = attractive in reality, but in terms of media perception etc)

I would say people, generally, have more respect for people with healthy weights.
Overweight people are seen as lazy and unhealthy and less intelligent.
I also think thinness is a sign of wealth these days.. and people tend to have more respect for wealthy people.

(Im not saying any of this is right... btw...)

Honestly I don’t think I’ve noticed this and I’ve gone from a size 18 to a size 8. Maybe I’m lucky but people are generally nice and friendly and polite to me and have been regardless what size I am. I’m quite a warm sociable person though and seem to get back what I put in in terms of general conversational exchange with whoever I’m speaking to.
I know a lot of people say that they notice a big difference in the way they are treated at different sizes though, definitely not saying it doesn’t happen but it hasn’t happened to me. As for whether or not someone says something behind my back - no idea and no wish to know either, none of my business!!

I've gone from a size 24 to a size 10, and I absolutely notice this. Not in a "she's so attractive" way, just in a way that people don't treat me as though I'm invisible. Which is funny, because I can't have been invisible at 21 stone!

Yeah how weird is that.. literally so visible in size yet with every stone it’s like taking the invisibility cloak off.

I think its also to do with grooming. Imagine a slim size 8 woman age 40 with messy greying hair wearing frumpy clothes and shoes v the same woman wearing stylish clothes that show off her figure and a lovely hair cut. The second would get more respect from both sexes.

People who lose weight always buy new clothes out of necessity anyway, and tend to make more of an effort with their appearance generally so they give off a different vibe that generates more goodwill and respect.

when I was younger I think professionally I missed out a bit but this was as much tied to how I presented myself as my weight. I was quite scruffy because I wasn’t very confident in myself. There were bigger women who were taken very seriously because they looked serious.

I’ve always been quite friendly/approachable but scruffy and only averagely pretty. So I haven’t ever had loads of attention due to my looks. I have been plump, fat, plump, fat and now back to plump and generally speaking attention has remained the same - generally pretty benign if I’m honest if a bit patronising (oh you do look nice…..’) and sometimes overlooked.

what has changed this time is I’m much less scruffy. Finally at the age of 50 I appear to have learned how to dress fairly well. I feel a bit more seen but also more confident so who knows

I think this comment just feeds into the narrative that fat people are untidy and lazy and don't make an effort. I have always been well-groomed and made an effort with my appearance. Now if I go out in my running kit, people look at me and assume I'm active. Previously, they'd have looked at the same outfit and read 'slob'. A ponytail and bareface now = having a chill day, previously people would have thought "doesn't even make an effort".

Similar to me. I lost a lot of weight and really struggled with how different people treated me when I was thin and I put the weight back on.

To most people you are invisible as an overweight person. However, the bigger you are, the more likely you are to receive negative comments. People insulting you to your face. As PP said, people assume you’re stupid and lazy.

The thinner you get, the politer people are. They hold doors open for you. They say sorry if they bump into you. They ask about your day. I found men and women generally politer. However, some men you have known for a while turn into a massive creep, sexualise you, flirt where they didn’t before.

It’s not about confidence because I had none when I lost the weight, I didn’t recognise my body and I felt very uncomfortable having spent most of my life invisible with a few mean things. People just don’t value overweight people.

So the base assumption is that if you're fat you're also stupid, lazy and unsuccessful and should be treated with contempt. @Swissmeringue I think to some extent this comes from the overweight person themselves as much as other people. If you believe people are going to think less of you, it makes you more closed off and less confident, definitely less likely to engage in small talk or banter. I guess it's the same as someone who due to a difference in class / race etc might appear more hostile in certain situations because they believe they are being looked down on when often (sadly not always) they are misguided.

Have you ever been fat, @Dontlletmedownbruce? Because you've now suggested that fat people are poorly groomed and have frumpy clothes, AND that they think they're lazy and stupid. So either you have never been fat and have just decided that fat people all fit into the box you've made for them in your mind, or you have been and are assuming everyone was like you.

Sorry, but just being ‘thinner’ does not automatically make someone ‘more attractive’. You might well feel better an be healthier, but how attractive people are is far more complicated than just their weight.

For me the difference is in how I view myself and therefore how I project myself to others.

When I have been fat, I genuinely hated myself and I was always trying to make myself smaller. I would do this by wearing dark clothes, standing behind other people, keeping my head down, not interrupting, not putting myself forwards, trying to do whatever I could to take up less space.

Slim me is just more confident. I feel better in myself and how I look, so I project myself differently to those around me. I therefore get a different response.

I have seen other women who are comfortable in their overweight or obese bodies command plenty of positive attention and respect. They own themselves and are proud of how they look and present themselves.

I think it has more to do with how we see ourselves than anything else.

Possibly something to do with having more confidence after losing weight. Some posters have made similar comments.

I’m going to sound like a prick but throughout my life I’ve noticed women tend to view me as a threat unless they give me a chance and get to know me whereas men are usually kind to me from the off. I don’t think all men fancy me, that would be nonsense so don’t think it’s that- unless I’m massively naive! But yeah, I’ve noticed a lot of women are hostile towards me unless they give me a chance and talk to me, in which case they usually realise I’m kind of nice and warm to me.

When I was fat after having my older children I had zero confidence or self esteem so I barely left the house to notice how nice people were to me or weren’t really. When I did leave, I had young children in tow and so people would just comment on them e.g older people fawning over them, you’ve got your hands full etc. I did notice that when I lost the weight women went back to being hostile. This included an awkward moment where a woman started shouting at her partner for gawping at me in a shop. I was just standing there minding my own business.

It’s hard being female full stop to be honest.

That is fantastic. Congratulations!