Father crashing about kitchen every time I try to settle baby

[GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo]

I'm currently on my first family holiday and I'm at my wits end. My son is teething poor bubba and being very whiney as a result, and we are currently in a thin-walled accommodation with my husband, mum and dad. Every time I have tried to settle him, such as yesterday evening, when my husband and I wanted to go out, my dad has crashed about the kitchen making coffee and waking him up over and over again. His only response is "I didn't think he could hear" when I've asked him, told him, begged him over the past 3 days to just give us those 10 minutes of silence. He did it 5 times, every single time I was settling him until I was in tears. And he's done it again this morning a minute after I walked into the room and announced I was settling the baby and needed some silence and they said okay. He went and made himself a fucking cup of coffee, and when I came out and asked him why he said "because I needed one". What can I do, as I'm being worn down and I can't get any peace and my baby isn't getting his proper naps. I'm so angry with him and I've told him off but he doesn't care. I feel so disregarded and unheard and my mum just makes excuses for him and plays Switzerland. It was always like this as a child too, where I was completely unheard, and it's bringing me back. We weren't even able to go out yesterday as I was so exhausted from hours of settling attempts. How can I get through the rest of the week??

It really depends on the kids.. I had one that woke if I even thought about leaving the room before he was completely asleep (I became an expert at lying very, very still), and one who TBH I don't even remember needing naps - I used to have to take him out for a drive in a warm car to force him to fall asleep when he really needed one, and always just happily went to sleep no matter where he was or what was going on around him.

And now they both love their sleep (teens) - but in a good way - go to bed with no hassle or fuss, and get up for school on their own with similarly no issues.

This whole 'Rod for your own back' also really doesn't apply when you're on holiday and the baby is teething - at that point, you do whatever you can to have an easy life and a relaxing holiday. A grown man can wait 10 fucking minutes to make himself a cup of coffee - perhaps he could take a walk out and buy one if he's that desperate to have one in the tiny window when she's asked him to be as boring as possible so the baby will fall asleep.

Agreed

FIL was like this, crashing around and booming voice. Did my head in. All the dc needed was ten minutes of relative quiet, then they’d be off and he could make whatever noise he wanted. They didn’t need total silence, but kitchen crashing and doors banged shut would jolt them awake and we’d be back to square one.

I spoke reasonably to him about it. DH was firm with him. MIL got cross with him about it. When SIL had a baby and he did it to her, she went fucking nuclear at him because she takes no prisoners, and still he did it.

I could never work out how much was thoughtlessness/forgetfulness/lack of awareness of his own noise, and how much was male lion pissing on his territory shit and refusing to be told how to live. Sometimes the whole thing seemed to amuse him.

You’ll get through the week op then you’ll be home. Just keep ploughing on, and try to get Dh and your mum onside to try to restrain him.

I’m not sure why you felt the need to be facetious? I’m just mentioning what worked for us. Isn’t it ok to share tips to try and make each others lives easier? Or are people only allowed to comment in agreement and not put forward what worked in their experience in the hope that it could help anyone else? All mine are young adults now and thriving at university (still can sleep through an earthquake which came in handy when living in uni halls!!) so I can’t have done a bad job at bringing them up!!

Couldn’t agree more.

OP you want everyone in the family to sit like musical statues whilst you get the baby off to sleep? I disagree that he’s doing it on purpose. He complied 5 times but it’s unrealistic to demand this level of silence. He’s not doing building work, he’s moving around and completing everyday tasks.
Get some white noise on your phone at best…..separate accommodation at worst.

At this point you're just remaining in an unhappy and difficult situation. You're not going to he able to relax and enjoy the holiday, so what's the point in staying there just to suffer?

Either get a different hotel, or go home. Your Father is a spiteful pr*ck. Sorry to say. You need boundaries- Cut him off. Don't be his punch bag.

I think there needs to be some clarification here from the OP because we're all getting up in arms, but the semantics make a difference.

OP has said she wants silence - her words. I don't think anyone would object to relative quiet for settling a baby, but silence is the element that isn't realistic.

She's said DF is 'crashing about' - but is he? If he's making as much noise as humanly possible to make his coffee then it's a dick move. If he's just making a coffee but OP 'wants silence' then anything and everything will seem loud.

We would need OP to sit back and be honest and objective here about what is actually giong on.

I didn't say you did a bad job at bringing them up... not sure why you'd make that up? Strange

But clearly the OP has a teething child who just needs 10 minutes of peace to settle. She's asking what she can do about her Father... not to be told that your kids were great sleepers.

It is so detrimental to parents of light / bad sleepers to constantly be told to put them down and go about life as normal. Do you not think those of us with light sleepers haven't tried that? It's so demoralising

How bloody selfish. Can he not even manage 10 minutes? If that was me Id leave them to it and go home. I never go on holiday with my parents though. They would drive me nuts.

From when my youngest was born, into a big family, I decided that I wasn’t going to expect silence for his naps because not only is it completely unrealistic, it’s not helpful to him. Babies have can adapt to sleep through normal family noise and it’s better for everyone that they do. Have you got anxiety? I only ask as I do myself, and I know that when I’m struggling I tend to try and make everyone stick to unreasonable expectations and get really upset and anxious when they don’t. If this is something you recognise in yourself I can highly recommend reaching out to the gp for some support. Also why are you exhausted from all the settling? Where’s your husband in all this?
I think YABU to expect total silence but I do also think your dad is being a prick tbh and not meeting you where you obviously are just now. If he thinks he’s teaching a lesson or something he’s going about it in the completely wrong way!

I do understand your point (especially the last bit, because the words don't you think she hasn't fucking tried spring to mind with a lot of posters on this thread).

However, I don't think that mummybear25 is giving her advice in bad faith, unlike many others on this thread. And also, if something works for a parent, honestly, good for them! We all have our different parenting crosses to bear, and if this thread is anything to go by, there's not much to be won with smug point-scoring.

Agree with others. The great patriarch of the family is displeased someone lower than him is telling him what he can and can’t do.

Seems I disagree with a lot of people here but I put my kids to nap with all sorts of noise, and they slept through it all, silly decisions have been made here

I would pack up and go home simple as that. And then never go on a family holiday with them again

why isn’t your mother having a word with him?

Again, I never said the advice given was in bad faith. I was merely pointing it that the nature of the comment (which wasn't written as advice... rather just bragging at a very tired OP who is struggling) is detrimental to seem parents.

I would have LOVED if someone could come in and prove me wrong that I was just pandering to my child who is a light sleeper. My own mother had the same "just put them down, they have to get used to it blah blah" advice and guess what? I spent 4.5hrs up with my almost 2yr d last night because his Dad snoring in another room woke him and he couldn't get back to sleep.

When you are deep in the trenches of a child who needs quietness to sleep, honestly the worst thing you can hear is someone criticising and telling you that they just got on with it. I'd live to have got on with it but it wasn't safe.

Well gold star to everyone who had their children sleeping through the apocalypse

but OP is on holiday and this isn’t the time for training - and it isn’t the dads place to unilaterally decide the baby should sleep through anything. He’s being unkind

(and my kids did sleep through anything)

But if your grandchild was suffering with their teeth, wouldn't you be able to hold off for ten minutes?
@GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo you don't have to stay, you don't have to have anything to do with your father. Is there no concern for either of you? Tbh a shit Dad isn't suddenly going to get any better. For whatever reason your father resents you all and is being spiteful, only you know if this has been his norm. When it's over, fuck him off, you and your son don't need this in your life.
Poster's answers are odd. Grown adults not being able to wait ten minutes, or do a quick coffee when being warned, isn't normal at all and most mothers feel for teething babies, especially ones, that they are blood related to.

I'm in this camp. Babies need to be able to sleep with normal background noise. A tired child will sleep, you've got to leave them to settle.

It sounds like you should just go home and maybe have a think about how you get more in control of the sleep situation. Baby will pick up on your distress so you need to be calm.

Of course the op may need to start getting baby used to sleeping when there are sounds in the house and some noise but on holiday in a strange house when teething isn't exactly the time to do that.
What kind of shit and selfish grandparent won't just sit quietly for 10 mins to help the daughter they presumably love get the grandchild they presumably love to sleep.

She isn't asking them not to do something they really need to do, just to wait 10 bloody minutes to get a coffee. If op expected them to sit in silence for 2 hours then fair enough that's unreasonable but 10 minutes.

In what world does normal family life stop and everyone stand like musical statues because of the baby? What if you had a toddler as well? And you say you and your DH were about to go out, so I assume your parents are good enough to babysit for you despite the "crashing and banging".

If it was a nap then I wouldn’t expect everyone to sit in silence. If he really wouldn’t settle I’d take him out for a walk in the buggy and grab a drink/ lunch when he’s asleep. I’ve always used white noise at home to minimise outside noise when my little boy is sleeping but if I’m away/ at someone else’s house then I just accept things have to go with the flow. If you’re dad started crashing around at 2am then I’d say he was being unreasonable

OP I am surprised you are requiring complete silence. Babies can be taken out and about if their prams and slings. If you feel they would benefit from a nap, just go out for a walk with them?

Don't get hung up on your schedule as it's just not real-world friendly. It doesn't sound like your dad is listening to heavy metal. Making a coffee is not something you can expect people to not do around you.

The biggest favour you can do your baby is get them used to sleeping and living according to the household schedule, not the other way around.

Wow some people really have issues at the idea of considering a teething baby’s needs if it impacts in the most minor way on ten minutes of their afternoon. If an adult was in pain and struggling to get to sleep I’d be able to restrain myself from making loud noises for ten minutes, of course I’d extend the same courtesy to a baby who can’t just put on a podcast through noise cancelling earbuds. It genuinely does seem to be some deep complex for some people that they won’t be ‘bossed’ by a baby.

On what planet is someone 'an arsehole' because they are making a cup of coffee?
Babies used to fit into families - what on earth has happened?

Go home - it’s not a holiday and they aren’t listening. Money is spent but time isn’t.
Just say it’s not working for you and rather than spoil the holiday for the others you are taking baby home.