Father crashing about kitchen every time I try to settle baby

[GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo]

I'm currently on my first family holiday and I'm at my wits end. My son is teething poor bubba and being very whiney as a result, and we are currently in a thin-walled accommodation with my husband, mum and dad. Every time I have tried to settle him, such as yesterday evening, when my husband and I wanted to go out, my dad has crashed about the kitchen making coffee and waking him up over and over again. His only response is "I didn't think he could hear" when I've asked him, told him, begged him over the past 3 days to just give us those 10 minutes of silence. He did it 5 times, every single time I was settling him until I was in tears. And he's done it again this morning a minute after I walked into the room and announced I was settling the baby and needed some silence and they said okay. He went and made himself a fucking cup of coffee, and when I came out and asked him why he said "because I needed one". What can I do, as I'm being worn down and I can't get any peace and my baby isn't getting his proper naps. I'm so angry with him and I've told him off but he doesn't care. I feel so disregarded and unheard and my mum just makes excuses for him and plays Switzerland. It was always like this as a child too, where I was completely unheard, and it's bringing me back. We weren't even able to go out yesterday as I was so exhausted from hours of settling attempts. How can I get through the rest of the week??

Yes I was going to add that a good HV should be giving this advice, I dont know if they do.

Babies have to get used to sleeping in an environment that's not completely quiet. I must have been an appalling mother because I didn't expect other people to refrain from perfectly normal activities. I understand that yours is teething BTW, but you are making a rod for your own back by not getting baby used to ordinary noise.

@GooglieWooglyWooglyWooglyWoo

You are going to get a lot of flack for a post like this.

I completely understand and support you.

I have two children. 1 and 3. Three year old has slept through a kitchen fit, loud drilling and hammering, a brass band in the summer and cousins screaming and playing.

My second 😂😂😂 he startles and wakes if someone knocks on a door 10 miles away.

Between 2-6 months he would stay awake 8+ hours. He would eventually fall asleep on a bottle then wake seconds later if his brother even so much as moved. Apparently; according to all the health visitors I shouldn’t run my world round a baby and eventually they’ll sleep. No, no they don’t!

At 6 months, fed up of a cranky baby, who was always tired. I changed our routine. At naps time I take baby upstairs, close the doors downstairs and upstairs, close black out blinds, cuddle and put him in his cot, he can put himself to sleep, occasionally I’ll rock him but I always put him down drowsy! He sleeps for at least 2 hours every time. Once he’s asleep, which usually takes about 5 minutes, I leave the door closed upstairs. He has his owlet on and a baby monitor so I know he’s okay.

So yes, you can run your life round your baby for a happier house and happy baby we had to. No, not all children will learn to sleep through everything.

You have every right to feel annoyed. My first was in hospital for over a week and I thought it would mess his routine up but it didn’t. Things will resume when you are home don’t worry. Your father, he’s old school and probably is doing it on purpose because most people think they are helping you learn babies will sleep though everything. Most people also think you can’t adapt your lifestyle for babies.

It definitely sounds deliberate.

Are you enjoying the holiday? Do you want to stay? Or can you just leave?

If you want to stay, I suppose I'd be pointedly making your dad a coffee before settling the baby and asking him openly "do you think you could not deliberately make noise to wake up the baby this time? I'd really appreciate it". I would give a shit if it upsets him.

I would never holiday with them again.

Why not? This is the kid's grandparent not some random stranger. Why can't he?

Yeah, sure. And it will work for some babies. And then there are some babies who are light/ bad sleepers for whom it will never, ever work, and comments like many of this thread are just kicking parents when they're down. If you've only had okay sleepers then consider yourself lucky but sometimes it is out of the parents' control.

Absolutely this! I took this approach with my second and believe you me the house was not at all quiet with my 4 year old running riot. Guess what - DS2 remains an incredibly light sleeper, still wakes up when a mouse farts in the garden, and only started getting what he needed in terms of naps when DS1 started school.

But some people are light sleepers, it doesnt mean you can run the household with children on silent.

As others have said, you expect your other children to tiptoe around and not play with their toys while the baby is settling, its not going to happen. It oculd be any random noise from outside the house.

I get what people are saying about OP needing to learn that the world wont tiptoe around her baby, but I think this post is probably more about the fact that OP has a teething child, whose uncomfortable anyway and therefore needs their sleep, and despite asking nicely, begging her dad, her dad doesnt give enough of a fuck about how it impacts OP to either make a coffee quietly or wait 10 MINUTES to have a coffee. Even if you think your child is being precious about their baby, surely any caring parent would think 'okay she's being unreasonable but I can see baby's whiny and she's obviously getting worked up, and I dont want to add to that and upset her, so it wont kill me to wait 10 minutes'

YANBU and unless your dad is a complete dick it’s probably just thoughtless. Get your husband to do some work here, he can make a round of drinks when you’re 5 mins before nap or bedtime, then he can stand in front of the fecking kettle if necessary until you message the all clear.

My child was similar and the nightly routine of eg putting the bins out just as I was trying to get her to sleep always kept her awake, until I eventually made it clear that if my husband did something to wake her up he would be the one getting her back to sleep. Now he just keeps quiet for that ten mins and all is well. It’s fine in some homes because you have thick walls etc but in some layouts you might as well be in the room with everyone.

I agree with this and I do think this is to an extent a very PFB thing because when you have number 2, they just have to get on with it.

Do you use white noise, OP? That drowns out a lot of stuff. But I think holidays are just a different beast, especially if you go away with other people. Naps and sleep times tend to go to pot and sometimes it’s easier just to accept it and not try to replicate what happens at home.

The difference here is that OPs father is a grown ass man....not a child. He can control himself for 10 bloody minutes ON HOLIDAY!

Yes, my mum and my FIL are both of the "I won't be told what to do/babies can sleep anyhow" attitude.

My poor son had a rough month at 4m where he really struggled sleeping.

My mum kept coming into the room and switching lights on, even though my dad told her to stop it. My FIL had me, MIL and both of my husband's grandparents telling him not to disturb my husband with him when he'd really struggled to get off, but FIL insisted on asking a question before he left. My son woke up, obviously.

This sort of person always a) complains about "pandering" to babies and b) acts like a complete and utter baby about their own needs, which are apparently always immovable, loud and entirely unessential.

Take the baby out in the pram. Leave your df to his bad attitude.. Spend the day without him.
It's your holiday too.

It’s not about tiptoeing round the baby all day it’s about a short window when loud noises (in our case it was always kitchen noises like emptying cutlery out of the dishwasher crashily) get a baby who’s nearly asleep to wake up and be furious. It can’t be just me and OP who has a baby like this. Other noises like TV or people talking, cars etc not a bother. The baby won’t be teething and grumpy for ever and she’s not asking a lot here.

Some of you are so mean! Yes it would be helpful to get baby used to falling asleep to noise but is this holiday the time to start?

and general noise is fine but a sudden noise that makes you jump is not helpful. Some coffee machines are the work of the devil when it comes to noise.

Yes, I always loathe the term "PFB".

It is a snotty and pathetic term used to bash parents trying to handle the biggest change to their life since they WERE a baby. (Not the same if parents direct it at themselves).

My dad was absolutely lovely and supportive when my son was a baby. As above, my mum and FIL were entitled pricks.

Think back to school. Did your teachers say "waaaaah, you find your GCSEs tricky - wait til your A Levels"? Did they sneer at kids who were struggling?

My now 2yr old was and still is a terrible sleeper. He can mostly sleep through a hoover... can sleep through radio or TV on, sleeps through cars and tractors driving by or the dog barking.... but a door slamming? Someone walking up the stairs loudly? Someone making tea / coffee? Emptying bins or ar the cutlery... absolute chaos. He will wake up obviously tired but startled and the resettling period could be an hour. Now imagine if someone just didn't slam the teaspoon on the counter? Wouldn't it be better for everyone.

Some people are just light sleepers. I am. I couldn't sleep through Someone making a coffee in the next room and I'm in my 30s

Im using children as a short hand example, what about the shift worker who comes home at all hours, what about the upstairs neighbour who is hoovering or doing DIY work

Life shouldnt be put on hold, yes, make himself a coffee, be normal, carry on.

MN posters, like you I assume, are absolutely obsessed with this line of 'he can control himself' for whatever topic is being discussed as if having a cup of coffee in the normal run of the day, much like Ive just done, is somehow impulsive and out of control or extreme behaviour. No one tells me when I can have a drink or not.

And no, it's not a "pfb" thing. Some kids need quiet to settle down, just like most adults do.

Both my kids struggle to settle to sleep, but we have it down to an art now. When it's time for my ds's nap, his 5yo sister understands she needs to sit quietly for 10mins, either watching TV on a low volume or doing a puzzle or painting, and then once he's settled I can give her all my attention and we can have fun together.

My 5yo can restrain herself to be quiet for 10mins. Every time. She knows it's only a short time, and that if she doesn't then we have a cranky toddler on our hands.

Op's father is a total brat if he can't manage what my 5yo can.

Tbh some posters on here sound similar, insisting that it's their prerogative to be noisy and prevent a child from napping.

Nurofen for the teething. White noise on. Pre empt Dad by making coffee before bedtime.

But you can’t expect everything to revolve around sleep and everyone to tip toe in silence.

The difference here is that OPs father is a grown ass man....not a child. He can control himself for 10 bloody minutes ON HOLIDAY!

But it doesn’t sound ‘out of control’. Look, if the guy thought it was a good time to pop Rod Stewart on the CD player at high volume, started screaming at top notch at the tv to a footy referee, or think it’s the time to practice on the drums he brought with him, then I would agree. He is a grown man, can control himself for way more than 10mins and I’d be the first to say he is in the wrong. But, he is making a cup of coffee. Unless he is taking to the kitchen with a hammer, there really can’t be an earth shattering noise from making a cup of coffee. It’s just background household noise that is not unreasonable and shouldn’t be the case where all people in a house have to sit staring nervously until someone comes and proclaims they can now get themselves a drink. That’s madness.

No one tells me when I can have a drink or not.

I don't think you understand that being in a family involves compromise and cooperation.

Are you so recklessly compulsive that you really cannot be quiet for ten minutes in your day? Even for selfish reasons, so you don't then have a screaming underslept toddler in your vicinity for the rest of the day?

There's a tantrumming brat in this picture and it's not the toddler. "You can't tell me to be quiet nah nah nahhh!"

Re: your last line - of course there are LOADS of situations where you can't make a drink.

Do you get up and boil a kettle in a work meeting? Do you leave the check-in desk on the last call of a flight to get a coffee? In the middle of an interview would you leave and make a drink?

No? In which case you'll surely agree that there are lots of situations where you would either obey someone telling you not to get a drink, or you'd understand that getting yourself a drink wasn't the best thing to do right now.

Someone who needs a drink right now is a baby. They have the excuse of being a baby. What's yours?