Being lied to - a dealbreaker?

[anothereveningalone]

sorry posting about this again but thought I would get some more traffic.

My DH goes to the gym a lot. Occasionally I join him and he goes with the same group of men, including a mutual friends. It’s caused arguments in the past because he’ll sometimes get home around 11pm, which is far too late for us to spend any time together. He will come home earlier for a few days when I say I would like to spend time together but it’s always slipping back to later and later.

Last night I was in bed and had my eyes closed but not asleep. Heard the door open at 10:15. When I “woke up” to clean my teeth he said “I’m so tired, I got back at 9:30 but you were asleep”

That felt like a gut punch honestly. I said he didn’t get back at 930 and that I was awake.

I was accused of interrogating him. He said “what benefit would I get from lying to you?” And then said they had to drop a few people off and he didn’t even look at his phone so “assumed” it was 930. Even though he rang me at 10, which he usually does when he’s on the way home!

aibu to feel suspicious or am I controlling like he says I am?

He's out this much when you have small kids - that seems pretty unacceptable.

That is awful, I’m sorry to hear.

You are not controlling or unreasonable to want to spend time with your partner, nor should you have to ask / beg him to do so.

Its not sustainable for your relationship - you mentioned you have small children- does he pull his weight here?

I don’t understand how he can justify his behaviour based on what you have laid out.

Its difficult as I imagine you don’t want to break up your family, but he needs to know how serious you are about this for him to change his ways.

Could you do some sort of couples counselling so he can get and external perspective?

Any explanation as to why?

Sounds like you’re living separate lives and not in a loving relationship, I’d be miserable as hell it’s not a way to live.

Those that think you’re controlling must have seriously low standards…… does he even spend time with the kids or as a family?

I’m so sorry, OP. Sounds like another selfish man-child dipping out of his responsibility for parenting the DC he’s fathered. Failing to pull his weight in providing a healthy & loving family context in which DC can grow up happily and securely. I find his conduct as a responsible husband and father to be sadly wanting.

He's shirking his responsibilities and does not want to be a dad or partner. This 'relationship' is dead in the water. Time to get your ducks in a row and make sure you are ready to get kick him out or walk away. He sounds like an explicable selfish wanker

Ridiculous, you are not controlling. Don’t respond to idiots just trying to wind you up.

your partner is behaving like a single man, coming and going as he pleases and not showing any respect. What exactly does he bring to this relationship?

Your not controlling .. you just want time with your husband .
He has to listen if he wants the marriage to be happy and he has to make you a priority as a couple I'd make it clear.
If he doesn't want to be home and is purposely planning things to stay away some honesty is needed.
Tell him you won't go much further if things carry on this way.

OP you say that when you discuss this, 'He said he wants to go the gym and I knew he always went to the gym (before we had kids)', I would very quickly point out to him that he 'must have known' when you decided JOINTLY to have kids, that life would have to change in order to accommodate them in your lives, and it's time for him to grow up and face up to his responsibilities. If he wanted to live the life of a single man, he should never have got married, and if he isn't prepared to put more effort into being a husband and father, then he can go out with his mates, and not bother coming back!

It's not fair for you to have to take on all the responsibility of being at home for the kids, while he goes off out for the evening with his mates, and gets to act like a single man. Time for an ultimatum I feel, as it doesn't sound like he has any intention of changing, so maybe telling him clearly that he needs to make the choice, will focus his mind.

Can you afford life without him, ie, roof over your heads, food, etc, OP?

He was out, but your phone was off? What if he’s seriously delayed or needs help?
Anyway, he rang at 10. He’s not making any serious attempt to disguise how late he was out. He just told a little lie to avoid a row.

My phones on silent as i am in bed. Im not sure why I need to accept phone calls late into the night because he chooses to go to the gym.

And my issue is that it’s a lie. It might have been to avoid a row, but then that shows he’s ok with lying if it makes his life easier. The fact he led with it without being asked to me makes it worse. Why even mention it at all when I didn’t mention it

How old are your kids? Presume his too? Is he out every single eve and never does bedtime? This is completely unacceptable: it’s one thing to go to the gym every night after putting them to bed (although absolutely think there should be some couple time too) but he appears to be abandoning all parental obligations? Does he make up for this w the kids at the weekend? This would be a deal breaker for me. Absolute red line to miss every kids bedtime and the usual evening kid slog.

You are focussing on the lie because it is a distraction from the bigger issue.

He does not want to spend time with you - if he did he would.
The relationship is dead.

He may say he loves you, but it is not true. What he loves is: the status of being a father without doing any parenting; having someone to help pay the bills (assuming you work or will be returning to work) so able to live somewhere better than a crappy bedsit or tiny flat; having someone cook and clean and do laundry for him; and having sex without the bother of going out and finding a willing woman (assuming you still have sex).

Divorce now, and then either he will have the DC overnight regularly, giving you some time to yourself, or he will pay a shedload of maintenance, or perhaps both.
You will then be free to meet someone who actually cares.

@anothereveningalone

I’ve got this far, and I think this is probably it, OP, I am sorry. He’s the partner you were expecting, hoping for. You are not a team. He’s not considering your needs, only his own. It’s his actions that matter, not his empty promises or agreements.

This may be worth a try first? Probably make or break to be honest.

Yes, you sound a bit passive-aggressive, but he sounds like he thinks he's a 20-year-old with no responsibilities. Have an adult, forthright conversation where you agree on your division of responsibilities within the household, which should be roughly equal. He's a parent now so his time is not his own - maybe this hasn't sunk in for him.