Being lied to - a dealbreaker?

[anothereveningalone]

sorry posting about this again but thought I would get some more traffic.

My DH goes to the gym a lot. Occasionally I join him and he goes with the same group of men, including a mutual friends. It’s caused arguments in the past because he’ll sometimes get home around 11pm, which is far too late for us to spend any time together. He will come home earlier for a few days when I say I would like to spend time together but it’s always slipping back to later and later.

Last night I was in bed and had my eyes closed but not asleep. Heard the door open at 10:15. When I “woke up” to clean my teeth he said “I’m so tired, I got back at 9:30 but you were asleep”

That felt like a gut punch honestly. I said he didn’t get back at 930 and that I was awake.

I was accused of interrogating him. He said “what benefit would I get from lying to you?” And then said they had to drop a few people off and he didn’t even look at his phone so “assumed” it was 930. Even though he rang me at 10, which he usually does when he’s on the way home!

aibu to feel suspicious or am I controlling like he says I am?

It doesn’t sound as if family life suits him because he’s acting as if he’s single. What are you getting out of this relationship?

Oh god, yes it was a silly lie but as others have said it’s probably for an easy life.

It might sound harsh but I think you’ve got to get out of “making” him come back early to spend time with you as this can quickly turn toxic. I wouldn’t be getting into this, if he’d prefer to spend time at the gym then I think you need to accept it and see what it says about the relationship.

Personally I’d be living my own interesting life with friends, family and hobbies rather than keeping tabs on him, and waiting for him to ask to spend quality time with me!

Edited to add- of course he should do his fair share of childcare but that’s different to being strong armed into quality time. Again, maybe focus on at least one night a week when he does dinner/ bedtime and you go out to do something fun?

He's avoiding family life.

Which is no marriage for you.

I think the bigger issue here is that he doesn't actually want to spend time with you. Yes, you can get angry and demand that he spends 3 evenings a week with you but what's the point if he's rather not be there? He's at home as little as possible and only spends time with you if there really is nothing else he can do. Even playing video games ranks higher.

On days he’s not at the gym he will work late. Then when I think he’s home for the evening he will book an activity for him and his friends. On Friday he’s booked a virtual experience for him and his mates 2 hours away, and won’t be back until 1am as it ends at 11pm.

Sorry to point out the glaringly obvious but every single thing here points to an affair.

He's making it obvious that he doesn't want to spend time with either you or your kids and he's filling his evenings with work, the gym going out or whatever. You've spoken to him about it and nothing's changed and it's unlikely that anything will change now so it's what you keep going forward. do you stay and remain upset and resentful and unhappy or do you move on? Can you afford to separate? It always comes back to the idea that you can't change other people you can only change your reaction to what they do.

My first marriage ended OP because of this kind of thing - we got married young admittedly but at 26 with 2 kids he still thought it was perfectly ok to be down the pub 3 or 4 nights a week with his equally immature mates. Gyms were not ‘a thing’ then , but no doubt if they had have been that would have been in the mix - I’m all for people having a social life but you kind of do get a vibe that they would rather spend spare time elsewhere and I felt somewhat used as housekeeper/nanny/sex on tap ( although his attitude killed that too)

This relationship is absolutely crap. He is an appalling father and partner. In fact he doesn't even deserve those descriptors - sperm donor would be better.

How dare he assume you'll look after the kids and he has total control over his own schedule? At first I thought you had no children and I simply thought you had incompatible attitudes to how you thought a relationship should be - breaking up seemed your best bet.

Given you have children I would be telling him he pulls his weight or he fucks right off. My DH is fitness obsessed, I'm not far behind but we work around each other because the DC are a shared priority.

It’s easy to talk about building your own interesting life but it sounds like @anothereveningaloneis default childcare so when would she get time to see friends or develop hobbies. Life changes when you’re a parent except his hasn’t. I know for me there was much less couple time because kids are in the mix. Just now he’s living as a single, childless man when he is neither.

@anothereveningaloneI’d stop begging him to spend time with you, I would start expecting him to care for his kids while you do your own thing. Start arranging your own life and tell him that whatever night is now his time for the kids and your leisure time. Start redressing the balance, you may find you don’t want to be with him or find things that enrich your own life. He’s a dad that means he needs to be present and parent as a team with you.

I wonder if you’re fixated on him lying because the truth, you’re desperately lonely, is too hard to say?

I don’t think it’s this small, fairly innocent lie that’s the problem. The problem is he doesn’t want to be at home spending time with you. Trying to force him to come home earlier to spend time with you when he doesn’t want to isn’t going to fix the problem, it’s just going to push him away more. You need to get to the bottom of why he doesn’t want to spend time with you. I’d be tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine. Start going out yourself in the evening to the gym or to see friends or whatever you like to do and tell him he needs to look after the kids. Might start making him appreciate you

Sounds like he's completely checked out of family life. Sorry OP.

This isn't quite the same as what you said on your other thread @anothereveningalone - you said sometimes he suggest a movie or plays video games on the 4 nights he's at home and he does childcare with you when he's at home.

He shouldn't need to be at home every night, although the length of time at the gym is a head scratcher, although there is again inconsistency between this thread and that one. Here you say 9:30 although he was late last night at 10:15, but on the other thread you say 11pm. Which is it because it wil obviously skew people's views and opinions on what is reasonable

YANBU.

Any kind of lying is a massive deal breaker for me. I value honesty and respect above everything else.

I'd be making it crystal clear to my OH that if he lied again then we'd be looking at separation. I'd make it crystal clear the first time was yellow card offence, and the next time would be a red card!

I just won't put up with any form of dishonesty at all. Just no need. It's a slippery slope and "innocent little lies" would eventually turn into whoppers.

Another thread where the OP starts with something fairly minor but then after a few posts it becomes clear they’re just with another absolute selfish twat of a man.

No YANBU OP. No one except someone with very low standards would think this treatment was acceptable.

But he probably won’t change, so you have to have a serious think about what you’re going to do going forwards.

@anothereveningalone
So he got home at 9.30.... why did he ring you at 10pm?
What benefit do you have for lying what time you went to sleep?
You're living life as a single parent you might as well be one officially..it sounds like he has checked out of your marriage if he'd rather spend time all his free time with his mates. When does he see the kids?

You're not asking too much.

This selfish man is putting himself first every time and it will never end.

I bet he does fuck all of the parenting or domestic work either eh.

My first husband was never home, claimed to be working overtime, even weekends (up to 10pm) After 2 years of never seeing we went to marriage guidance. They told him he had to remember he was married now and from then on he was to spend one day A FORTNIGHT with me starting the following Saturday!!! On the Friday after this meeting he told me he was working on Saturday. I then knew he basically didn’t want anything to do with me and ended it.

But isn’t she stuck with the children? He’s getting off scott free doing nothing with any of his children or wife?

How?! Who'll be there for the kids given he's already either at the gym most evenings, or at work, or out with friend?

I agree. If you're in a position to do so, OP, start looking at your options and maybe leave the relationship. You're already alone, parenting alone, at least you wouldn't have to deal with his lying, useless arse as well.

The gratuitous lying would be the end of it for me.

1. you'll never be able to trust him
2. he's treating you with contempt
3. you'll never know whether he's lying or not.

@strange25 "I think you should pick up some hobbies, meet friends etc and have a life outside of him and his wants/needs. It will do you good"

How's she supposed to do that? She's got kids and her DH is hardly ever home. He's either at the gym or booking late nights out with his mates. He's basically abdicated all his parental responsibilities. Besides, isn't there supposed to be some kind of companionship and shared enjoyment in marriage.

You are not asking too much.

The fact that you can even think this shows how downtrodden you are.

You would be better off divorced.

I think you’d be better off finding someone who wants to spend time with you and dc.

Shows him he’s not the only one who allowed a life outside of parenting the world doesn’t just revolve around him.