DC dad is making out I’m a shit mum - help!

[Loulouise12]

i have a 6 year old, dad and me never “together” before the birth or after, basically he left me and told me he didn’t want a relationship when I was 6mos along. He moved on very quickly, and married his partner when DC6 was only 2. I’ve since gotten engaged and we plan to marry soon, I am a stepmum to his daughter too so I know how hard it can be and all coparent relationships and dynamics are hard.

DC6 has also been 50% with me, 50% with dad. It’s one week with me, one week with him. He’s a good dad, there’s no denying that. But I find the way he talks to me to be quite rude sometimes.

I work in a job that is rotaed and I can’t just select the days I work, meaning things change at the last minute and I sometimes have to swap a few days with her dad.

Over Christmas, I had dental extraction of my tooth which meant I was struggling to look after DC, and I had to work Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. So it ended up with DC6 being at her dad’s more than she was here. Christmas is a busy time in my job and of course I would want to spend all my time with my little girl but I need to work.

i actually text him on the day I had my tooth out saying I was feeling in pain and could he pick DC up but he didn’t reply. I think that’s harsh.

This week, I’ve been asked to work extra tomorrow and Thursday, which means I need to be in work at 8am. I’ve text him asking if I could bring her to his house tomorrow morning around 745am, and him to take her to school. I got this reply:

Yes that’s fine. Can we please sit down soon and discuss our schedules? We has DC a lot over Christmas and these drop offs early mornings aren’t providing stability for her. It might be worth discussing this with work too. We’re always happy to have DC here, but let’s make it more predictable. I know that you have asked for your weekend together next week to be swapped, but I think that we really need to do that only in emergencies. Thanks.

Firstly I feel like his wife wrote that message. Secondly, I try my best to provide stability but I don’t have the luxury of a 9-5 where I can be there for all school drop offs. I don’t claim maintainece off him. His wife drops off their DC at school and so also does school drop off for my DC, but I’ve never expected her to do that - her dad could do it (he wfh). It’s also the same school? The alternative would be for DC to spend all overnights that I’m working the next day at her dad’s but this means I wouldn’t see her as much and that’s hard for me and her.

I do appreciate his help, but when I am unwell (tooth extraction) and working, I do think he should “step up” like I would do for him. Next weekend is the only weekend I’ve had off work in nearly a year and it’s my sisters wedding so that’s a complete one off. We’ve swapped weekends before, so I feel like it’s another stick to beat me with.

he’s said other stuff as well, basically that I shouldn’t be letting my mum or sister look after DC when I’m working. If I’m doing nightshifts I will drop her at my mums for the evening, which she loves. He said that I should be dropping him at his to provide “stability”.

I know his wife has a problem with me generally so I’m imagining a lot of this is coming from her. There was never an issue until they had a child together.

Aibu to think he’s just criticising me for trying my best and if this was a dad expecting help no eyebrows would be raised?

Sorry OP but I totally agree with him to be honest. It’s rubbish to be chopping and changing last minute and he’s right about kids needing some routine and that changes etc last minute really should be rare rather than the expectation. You’re expecting partner-level support from someone who isn’t your partner, essentially.

You do seem to give yourself alot of breaks, leeway and understanding in these scenarios, but as an outside observer he and your daughter do get the sticky end of your job instability, and the tooth, and then your sisters wedding.... I don't think you're performing as well as you could, and need to reconsider your job /career path in order to be more present and stable as a mum.

The remark about you not claiming CMS from him is a bit out there too... On paper you have 50/50 so why would you? And in reality it sounds like he is doing more of the heavy lifting anyway... Id tread carefully there tbh.

I think if you’ve 50/50 care and on top of that you want him to mind your DD at short notice on what is your time, it’s confusing and messy for everyone. You changing plans at the last minute also impacts your ex and his family.

I think if it was a Dad who was swapping and changing things at the last minute, he would get short shrift on Mumsnet and probably in real life as well, especially if already at 50/50. Is there anyway you can get your rotas further in advance?

I do get the need for stability but like I said, I have to work. It’s not changes for the sake of it or to give myself time for myself. I’ve tried hard to get back into work and I need income to support my family.

If I can’t take these shifts, I won’t get anymore shifts. I’m trying my best.

I ask him because he’s told me not to ask my family before him. I think there’s a way to respond to messages and I feel like he’s being rude. The weekend I want to swap was discussed in September last year.

Sorry OP, but I agree with him. He shouldn't be paying you maintenance btw if you are completely 50/50, but you can't just expect him to dance to your tune every time something crops up. Overtime isn't essential so you shouldn't expect him to accommodate that .

Then it is time to think of other jobs I would think OP. A dad who expected his ex to accommodate his ever changing shift patterns would get a lot of stick on here and in real life, the standard isn’t different because you are a woman.

You can’t expect two families to all work around your work schedule at the drop of a hat forever.

This, DC6 has also been 50% with me, 50% with dad. It’s one week with me, one week with him.
but is it? When you ask him to pick up or have her on your days, are you then doing some of his days?

I think it’s fine for your mum or sister to look after your child but otherwise YABU and I agree with him.

I just think he’s really doubling down on criticism. I work to provide for my family. I have to take shifts to pay for our house. I’m not partying every day!

He started last year to say he will only text me about child arrangements and no phone calls. I don’t understand why that’s necessary.

He has his partners support as well. A lot of the time I drop off she’s the one who is home and my partner can’t offer that same support. I’m really trying my best, but it’s a lot easier for his family than mine.

if I don’t work - I’m not providing
if I do work - I’m not providing a stable routine.

hes a teacher. He gets holidays paid, time off in the holidays.

I don’t think he should get a say how much my family see my child when his partner provides support to him.

Rota is 2 weeks in advance. I always try and let him know in plenty of time. things change quickly and I’m expected to pick up extras to help the service. I’d love to say no but I don’t have the job security to do that.

I’ve looked for other jobs but 9-5 would also mean I can’t do school pick ups. I’m trying my best

As I and others have said OP, absolutely work, but if your job requires your family and his to work around an unpredictable schedule at the drop of a hat then you are being unreasonable.

If it were to get to court the court would be in agreement with him to set a schedule that remains the same for the exact reason that it is not fair long term to expect two households to live around your shifts.

I always provide flexibility if I can. If he wanted to change a day I’d accommodate that if I could. I do think that’s the whole idea of coparenting!!

I take that to mean when you ask him to do extra then he just does do extra rather than swapping, so actually you could well owe him CMS.

If he's a teacher, how does he wfh? And how could he do the school runs?

Kinda wonder what you're looking for here. That might help with the responses.

If you're looking for suggestions that's one thing if you're looking for support and empathy that's another, but if you are looking for just agreement that you're not the problem and the dad is I'm not sure that's going to happen.

Sorry that’s should say “she wfh”

I’m with him. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why do you need to talk on the phone or about things other than child arrangements? Sorry OP but he is not wrong.

Of course you have to work and manage your childcare accordingly. Where is you partner in this? Can't he pick up where needed.

You are the problem.

Yeah sorry he’s absolutely correct. Do you think no one with children has a nine to five? You’re expecting a HUGE amount from him and not a single one of those messages is rude. You can’t expect your ex to arrange his life around your schedule and then have a strop when he asks to speak to you about solving it.

You could use wraparound care or organise a childminder for pick ups.

I would also say that him wanting texts re. child arrangements is probably to build an audit trail, rather than phone calls where it is he said she said. That way if needed he can evidence all the changes last minute whether for CMS purposes to prove he has had more than 50% or for court purposes to show current set up does not work.

It’s what any woman would be advised to do if her ex was expecting her to live to his rota.

Sorry @Loulouise12 but you are being massively unreasonable.

Childcare on your weeks is for you to sort, you cannot keep chopping and changing things. If it was a man posting the same stuff he would be lambasted and rightly so.

You need to sort out your schedule with your work. Given your statements about if you dont take shifts you won't get more suggests you are on a zero hour contract. You need to look for a more stable job that better suits your lifestyle. It's not up to your child or ex to keep changing their lives to suit you.

He's not wrong... you're not providing stability, you are asking him to have her more than the 50/50, he is doing more of the heavy lifting.

He can't tell you who can look after her in your time though - so if you have family, sitters, paid childcare options, you can use them. Thats none of his business,

He is asking you to communicate via text so he has a written record of all this chopping and changing and him stepping in to cover your arse.

What he intends doing with that - I can't say. Claim its not 50/50 and make a CMS claim from you? Go to court to have her live with him as the resident parent?

In your shoes I'd stop leaning on him, use family or paid childcare, and put in some huge effort to find a job that fits with childcare better.

I don't agree that you shouldn't have your family looking after your dc, that's up to you on your time.

Putting it on him, and it sounds like even more on his wife, is out order, especially as you seem to think she WFH and has a schedule that fits around her kids so it doesn't matter if she just has yours too.

It's probably time to think about changing jobs for something more stable op, I know that's a massive undertaking, and not an overnight solution, but I would start looking ASAP.