DC dad is making out I’m a shit mum - help!

[Loulouise12]

i have a 6 year old, dad and me never “together” before the birth or after, basically he left me and told me he didn’t want a relationship when I was 6mos along. He moved on very quickly, and married his partner when DC6 was only 2. I’ve since gotten engaged and we plan to marry soon, I am a stepmum to his daughter too so I know how hard it can be and all coparent relationships and dynamics are hard.

DC6 has also been 50% with me, 50% with dad. It’s one week with me, one week with him. He’s a good dad, there’s no denying that. But I find the way he talks to me to be quite rude sometimes.

I work in a job that is rotaed and I can’t just select the days I work, meaning things change at the last minute and I sometimes have to swap a few days with her dad.

Over Christmas, I had dental extraction of my tooth which meant I was struggling to look after DC, and I had to work Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. So it ended up with DC6 being at her dad’s more than she was here. Christmas is a busy time in my job and of course I would want to spend all my time with my little girl but I need to work.

i actually text him on the day I had my tooth out saying I was feeling in pain and could he pick DC up but he didn’t reply. I think that’s harsh.

This week, I’ve been asked to work extra tomorrow and Thursday, which means I need to be in work at 8am. I’ve text him asking if I could bring her to his house tomorrow morning around 745am, and him to take her to school. I got this reply:

Yes that’s fine. Can we please sit down soon and discuss our schedules? We has DC a lot over Christmas and these drop offs early mornings aren’t providing stability for her. It might be worth discussing this with work too. We’re always happy to have DC here, but let’s make it more predictable. I know that you have asked for your weekend together next week to be swapped, but I think that we really need to do that only in emergencies. Thanks.

Firstly I feel like his wife wrote that message. Secondly, I try my best to provide stability but I don’t have the luxury of a 9-5 where I can be there for all school drop offs. I don’t claim maintainece off him. His wife drops off their DC at school and so also does school drop off for my DC, but I’ve never expected her to do that - her dad could do it (he wfh). It’s also the same school? The alternative would be for DC to spend all overnights that I’m working the next day at her dad’s but this means I wouldn’t see her as much and that’s hard for me and her.

I do appreciate his help, but when I am unwell (tooth extraction) and working, I do think he should “step up” like I would do for him. Next weekend is the only weekend I’ve had off work in nearly a year and it’s my sisters wedding so that’s a complete one off. We’ve swapped weekends before, so I feel like it’s another stick to beat me with.

he’s said other stuff as well, basically that I shouldn’t be letting my mum or sister look after DC when I’m working. If I’m doing nightshifts I will drop her at my mums for the evening, which she loves. He said that I should be dropping him at his to provide “stability”.

I know his wife has a problem with me generally so I’m imagining a lot of this is coming from her. There was never an issue until they had a child together.

Aibu to think he’s just criticising me for trying my best and if this was a dad expecting help no eyebrows would be raised?

He wasn't rude but he's obviously hit a nerve.

For the love of all that is holy - OF COURSE IT'S UNREASONABLE to expect someone to revolve their life around your two week rotas!!

But the bit that is really getting me, why are you not seeing that the person who it is the most unfair on is your 6 year old child?!

You are literally expecting everyone to adapt their lives around you so that you need to change nothing. So in the nicest and kindest possible way OP 💐 - pull your big girl pants on and find a new job, keep consistent days (outwith emergencies) and maybe have a word with your own partner as I'm confused why you're marrying someone who can't lend the level of support you'd need to look after a 6 year old when you have had a tooth out.

If this comes across harsh then I do apologise but you're not listening to a thing anyone is saying

I think everyone here is missing the point that he is deliberately setting OP up to fail with the ‘call me first’ approach.

He has NO say in who looks after your child on your days. You work 36 hours over 3 days which is great! The other two school days you are there to pick up and drop off. If your mum, sister or a trusted babysitter can help you for the five hours or whatever it is those days, that is FINE. Your ex has no right to comment, no court would hold it against you, he is on thin ice complaining about it.

So just reply, ‘Okay, noted, thank you!’, work out your own childcare for the job you have and then ignore him!

What? Have you read the thread?

Yes, they seperated when she was pregnant. But he has been parenting week kn week off since. She is NOT parenting on her own... she is parenting LESS than him.

I would presume that originally he was happy to have the extra time with his daughter... but it absolutely is not in a 6 year old beat interests to be passed from pillar to post. Multiple times a week on her mother's access she is being sent to her Fathers house. The days change all the time so no consistency at all for the poor child. Then her mother works weekends too.

Why not just do more shifts in the week you don't have her?
Do all your shifts into week and have the following week off

It is probably easiest to think of it like this: on your days, your DC has no other parent. In other words, what would you do about your work schedule if her dad did not exist? That should be the usual approach. Typically for those who work 9-5 with no family support, wrap-around care is used to cover the additional hours.

A 50/50 care arrangement is meant to give the child equal time with both parents.

If one of the parents is just shuffling the child off to childcare/grandparents/friends/step-parents instead of being present themselves for a notable portion of their 50/50, it’s not unreasonable for the other parent to think a different arrangement, perhaps 70/30, where the child spends more time with at least one parent, is better.

I have this kind of arrangement with my ex as his work schedule is not very child-friendly. If he pushed for 50/50 only to palm the kids off on other people, I would think he was more motivated by avoiding maintenance or punishing me than by what served the children best.

You need to take some of the emotion out and reading things into his messages that arnt there

His message seems perfectly reasonable. You need to leave his wife out if it

Are you giving him your rota that you get two weeks in advance when you get it?

Ask him that if you get offered a shift, would he be agreeable for you to message him to see if he is avaliable for childcare but you need to know within a time frame

As for early morning drop off, message and ask if dropping off at dc bedtime night before would be better.

A 50/50 care arrangement is meant to give the child equal time with both parents. If one of the parents is just shuffling the child off to childcare/grandparents/friends/step-parents instead of being present themselves for a notable portion of their 50/50, it’s not unreasonable for the other parent to think a different arrangement, perhaps 70/30, where the child spends more time with at least one parent, is better.

Within our circle of friends, we know at least four families where the child(ren) ended up living full-time with the dad and step-mum. I was quite amazed there were so many mums who were unable to take of their own kids but apparently it happens much more often than people think. All middle-class families and nothing extreme involved, but just a very jumbled life for the kids (sent to grandparents, aunts, other homes) and the father stepping in to ensure more routine in their lives.

Lone parent here.
what you do about your childcare on your weeks is none of his business.

I agree though you are over stepping on his boundaries too. You need a more stable job.

Yes, but she's only working three days a week. There are a lot of resident parents having to work more than 36 hours over 3 days without people accusing them of 'shuffling off' their kids. My standard, extremely family friendly public sector job is 37 hours a week as standard - more than the OP is doing! Nurses work this kind of rota all the time.

School hours of approx 8-3 is 7 hours. She works 12 hour days x 3 times a week. That's 15 hours of childcare, the other four days she is there for her kid 100%. I don't know why pp are trying to write OP off as some kind of feckless waster?

She did what her ex wanted re first refusal of childcare, now he's holding it against her.

OP, try and get afterschool / breakfast club three days a week, your mum or sister can get DD from that, give her tea and keep her until you get her. You can do something nice in return for them.

This is all very standard in the mn favourite world of 'mums always had to work and extended family made up the valuable village' fare.

You describe yourself as ‘stepmother’ to your fiancé’s child. Why didn't he come to your aid when you went to the dentist? Your ex oughtn’t reasonably to be your first thought.
Sounds to me, regarding texts vs chats henceforth, that he feels you pull him into your life a bit too much, and as he has remarried he surely has a right to a little personal detachment now.
I read his message to you are very decent, very reasonable, and not one bit rude. (Do you tend to plead and wheedle when you need him yo be more than usually accommodating?)

I hope you've a stalwart partner in your fiancé, and maybe he can clear your vision a bit about your sense of injury.

Not sure why a tooth out requires any changes. It’s s nothing thing, from experience. . As for the rest, you seem a bit all over the place. Sorry. 🤷‍♀️

I'm intrigued, mainly because I am in this position.
What would you do to stop him doing as he wanted, and your life having to revolve around when he could be bothered to have your kids?
Often people say this but they haven't really thought it through, it's rare you can actually do anything about an ex who decides to pick and choose when he will/won't have the kids. Even if you have a court order he does have to go by it.

I think a lot of this comes down to mums tending to earn less because they spend the kids younger years working around them, then when the parents split the dad has far more financial security to reduce hours if necessary. Men also tend to get married again quicker, giving them built in child care, whereas even when a woman is in another relationship she rarely passes childcare to the partner in my experience.

@StitchHappens I would agree to a contact schedule that was based around the kids’ week (ie a normal 7 day week not an ever changing 5.5 week repeating pattern) and on his days he’d have to have the kids or arrange alternative care. I wouldn’t agree to a forever changing contact day, a contact day that might be cancelled last minute, or to be his backup childcare, and if he kept trying to back out of his days, then they soon would not be his days anymore. I imagine (in his current role at least) that he’d only be able to commit to relatively little so it would be something like EOW.

At the moment we pay for childcare which covers my working hours - sometimes we don’t need it because he’s off work and gets the kids from school instead - so if we split and he wanted 50:50, he would end up paying for childcare and not using it half the time, or he’d have to change jobs, but that would no longer be my problem.

But in the nicest possible way unless you would be able to do 100% he doesn't have to agree to anything you want either. So he can say he'll have the kids 1 day a week, and you have no option but to do everything else. If you get a court order you have to make the kids available whether you want to or not. Doesn't matter if he is unreliable, or inconsistant. You still have to enable the contact. What do you mean he would 'have to' pay for childcare on his days? How would you make him have any days?? He might agree to help with holidays, he might not. Unless you are in the very privileged position of having all school holidays/inset days off or able to afford childcare for all holidays it's really not as simple as saying you just wouldn't agree to something, because you can't force him to take responsibility for anything.

What would you do if he was a deadbeat op?

Not that we should judge by the lowest bar but would you have sucked up the tooth pain? Would your fiancé of helped? Would you change jobs?

You’re really incredibly naive, he could say he wanted zero time and no court or you could or would ever force him. He wouldn’t have to change jobs or pay for any childcare at all, the ONLY thing he would owe you is child maintenance.

If he decided he wants no contact it would all become your problem.

You’re not failing, it’s hard if you only get your rota 2 weeks in advance.

A different bit of advice if I may - can you put in a flexible work request? To fix your days or in a pattern that would work for you? So you’d know you always work a Monday and Wednesday plus a weekend shift or whatever. Then you can have childcare in place?

And if he wants to avoid child maintenance he just goes self employed..

That doesn’t make sense. You said you’ve never asked the wife to do drop off and that your daughter’s dad could do it “(he wfh)”. The sentence would make no sense if you meant “(she wfh)”. Something isn’t right.

This was all hypothetical (his job is rubbish but the actual bloke is alright) - I was mainly trying to give the OP my viewpoint as to what is reasonable to expect the other half/coparent of a shift worker to do. Thank you for your concern for my hypothetical situation though.

I’d have infinitely less time for DH’s work shit if we weren’t in a relationship, and I’d push hard for more custody rather than be dictated to by an ex’s work schedule. As I can never currently rely on him at any given time, it wouldn’t actually be an issue for me to have 100% custody. I think this is something the OP should be aware of because it sounds like her ex has been really accommodating and she is not appreciating that he would be (in my opinion) well within his rights to 1. refuse to be dictated to by the whims of her shifts and 2. Go for majority custody because OP can’t commit to consistent times.

I’m aware no court can force contact if the parent doesn’t want it, but it doesn’t seem like this was relevant in the OP’s situation, nobody is trying to wriggle out of contact or paying anything. I’m pretty sure court CAN however say that contact has to follow a defined schedule not ‘whenever it’s convenient for one parent, regardless of whether it’s convenient for the other parent or working for the kid’.

@Loulouise12 Any update? Did you and ex ever have a conversation like he suggested?

I don't think the wellbeing of his daughter is none of his business. This girl already has two homes she is shuffled between. Then on the weeks she is with her mum she can also be staying at her maternal grandmother's, her paternal grandmother's, her auntie's and her dad's. Her mum also wants to bring this instability into the weeks the child is with her dad by making her ex swap days with her. Add to this that the OP works weekends so who the hell looks after the child then.

The OP has argued she is the primary carer but she is not even doing close to 50%.