DC dad is making out I’m a shit mum - help!

[Loulouise12]

i have a 6 year old, dad and me never “together” before the birth or after, basically he left me and told me he didn’t want a relationship when I was 6mos along. He moved on very quickly, and married his partner when DC6 was only 2. I’ve since gotten engaged and we plan to marry soon, I am a stepmum to his daughter too so I know how hard it can be and all coparent relationships and dynamics are hard.

DC6 has also been 50% with me, 50% with dad. It’s one week with me, one week with him. He’s a good dad, there’s no denying that. But I find the way he talks to me to be quite rude sometimes.

I work in a job that is rotaed and I can’t just select the days I work, meaning things change at the last minute and I sometimes have to swap a few days with her dad.

Over Christmas, I had dental extraction of my tooth which meant I was struggling to look after DC, and I had to work Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. So it ended up with DC6 being at her dad’s more than she was here. Christmas is a busy time in my job and of course I would want to spend all my time with my little girl but I need to work.

i actually text him on the day I had my tooth out saying I was feeling in pain and could he pick DC up but he didn’t reply. I think that’s harsh.

This week, I’ve been asked to work extra tomorrow and Thursday, which means I need to be in work at 8am. I’ve text him asking if I could bring her to his house tomorrow morning around 745am, and him to take her to school. I got this reply:

Yes that’s fine. Can we please sit down soon and discuss our schedules? We has DC a lot over Christmas and these drop offs early mornings aren’t providing stability for her. It might be worth discussing this with work too. We’re always happy to have DC here, but let’s make it more predictable. I know that you have asked for your weekend together next week to be swapped, but I think that we really need to do that only in emergencies. Thanks.

Firstly I feel like his wife wrote that message. Secondly, I try my best to provide stability but I don’t have the luxury of a 9-5 where I can be there for all school drop offs. I don’t claim maintainece off him. His wife drops off their DC at school and so also does school drop off for my DC, but I’ve never expected her to do that - her dad could do it (he wfh). It’s also the same school? The alternative would be for DC to spend all overnights that I’m working the next day at her dad’s but this means I wouldn’t see her as much and that’s hard for me and her.

I do appreciate his help, but when I am unwell (tooth extraction) and working, I do think he should “step up” like I would do for him. Next weekend is the only weekend I’ve had off work in nearly a year and it’s my sisters wedding so that’s a complete one off. We’ve swapped weekends before, so I feel like it’s another stick to beat me with.

he’s said other stuff as well, basically that I shouldn’t be letting my mum or sister look after DC when I’m working. If I’m doing nightshifts I will drop her at my mums for the evening, which she loves. He said that I should be dropping him at his to provide “stability”.

I know his wife has a problem with me generally so I’m imagining a lot of this is coming from her. There was never an issue until they had a child together.

Aibu to think he’s just criticising me for trying my best and if this was a dad expecting help no eyebrows would be raised?

That last paragraph is wildly inaccurate from what you say in your posts. You have 50/50 so you are not primary caregiver... you haven't had a weekend off work in a year so you don't see your daughter weekends... you regularly take extra shifts at work and Dad picks up the slack. Therefore you have not done this alone.. you are not primary caregiver.

He is trying to provide stability for your child that you can't give her.

"I just expected some support with it"... he has been supporting you. He's tired if it.

OP my circumstances are different - I am solo parent to 3 children and I work based in an office 2.5hrs drive each way (only there once a week but still!). I have to make it work. I have no other parent involved, I’m single and no family in this country. But they’re my children and it’s on me to sort out childcare for them. When your child is with you it’s the same deal - you need to sort it out whether this means your partner stepping up or family or paid childcare. I’m not saying it’s easy but it’s possible.

I think you are too reliant on him and need to change your lens when thinking about this. I don’t think anyone here agrees with you but you continue to argue the toss.

He’s the primary carer, he’s having her more than you are, being incredibly flexible and it’s a very calm and reasonable message. Carry on asking him to have her more than 50/50 and he should claim maintenance from you.

That you look to criticise him or his extremely accommodating wife while expecting absolutely nothing from your own partner and endless flexibility for your work/health/social life hammers home how very unreasonable you are. Poor man, and you must have a very confused child. You’re not doing him a favour by working, the way you phrase that is just bizarre. They manage their work and family requirements, you have to do the same.

He’s right. They need to be able to plan their life and know the schedule. Your work issues aren’t his problem. You need to pay for childcare on your time instead of just messaging him with short notice schedule changes.

My ex was like you. Shift patterns and whatever and for 10 years, I had no schedule and couldn’t plan a thing because I didn’t know until the Friday each week, if he was going to have the kids or not. It made my life 10 times harder than it needed to be and isn’t fair.

You have to sort this out and stop expecting him to. And texting him after the dentist to tell him to pick the kid up? I’d have ignored you to. It was your day.

I think you're getting a really hard time here.

If he doesn't want to help out to make your shifts work, he can't complain if your family are doing so.

If you can’t do the school run then you pay for afterschool care, like I did as a single parent.

He isn’t your partner. He doesn’t have to pick up your slack. You set a schedule for who has your child when and you stick to it. Stop expecting him to drop everything for you. As long as he does his 50%.

This is the sort of thing my ex says to make out that we have a balanced “co-parenting” relationship, but it’s meaningless as

• the way he has chosen to arrange his life means the actual times when he “could” swap are limited
• on the very rare occasions I asked in the past there was always some unexpected reason he couldn’t help out after all
• I have arranged my life to accommodate my childcare responsibilities so don’t need to ask him for help 99+ percent of the time

You seem to have a confused idea of your entitlements and responsibilities as a parent. If you are 50/50 (or somewhat less in reality) you are neither the primary parent nor entitled to maintenance. On top of this you’re getting help with school runs on your days, and asking your ex to work around changing shifts constantly.

It sounds like favours really only flow in your direction in this co-parenting relationship, and after a few years of putting up with it, it has started to wear thin with your ex and his wife, and they are putting in some boundaries so that you might think more seriously about structuring your life around your parenting responsibilities. It’s actually not your ex’s job to run around after you just because you haven’t figured out how to put your kid first yet. If you can’t do that, she probably is better off with him more often, with you paying maintenance.

Just to say, I put my foot down after 10 years and refused to do his ad hoc style anymore. I demanded he have them every second weekend and that’s that, no more chopping and changing.
I got weeks of abuse, I’m sure he was moaning to everyone just like you are but I was sick of it. His job was not my problem. I did enough, wasn’t living my life held to ransom anymore unable to plan anything at all.

Now I have every second weekend and childcare is his problem on his weekend if he is working. And my life is 10 times better.

You are being completely unreasonable.

As others have said you really need to formalise a schedule and stick to it.

Stop dancing to his tune re who looks after DD. Why are you letting him dictate who you can and can't speak to?

If you're offered extra shifts cover them with your mum, his mum, whoever or turn them down. If you don't get any more that week so be it. Just do your best with the hand you're given.

You are not together. He doesn't get to dictate childcare on your watch and you don't get to have another parent available whenever you need them. If you have had a tooth out, have a sofa day. It's rough, but doable. I agree with others that he is setting you up to apply to change custody.

@AnneLovesGilbert

That you look to criticise him or his extremely accommodating wife while expecting absolutely nothing from your own partner and endless flexibility for your work/health/social life hammers home how very unreasonable you are.

Yeah, I feel like your point here is getting lost in all of this and it's a great point!

@Loulouise12 I know you commented about him but this needs to be explored a bit. Typically it's the the two people in the relationship who work together to make things work for the family unit. This doesn't seem to be happening in your case. Why not?

I don’t think his message was rude at all, quite the opposite. You need to agree a schedule and stick to it.

If I quit my job I need something to go to. If that’s a 9-5, I still would need help after school. And that would be 5 days a week. My job offers flexibility in that it’s 12 hour shifts and usually just 3 a week. Meaning I occasionally work during the week. If it’s my week with DC, that’s hard for me. If she’s at her dad’s, I can take more shifts that week no issue.

I mostly work Sundays or Saturdays because that’s when I’m needed. I have said no to shifts before but I can’t keep doing that forever.

I think the times I’ve asked for swaps have been misinterpreted here. It’s occasionally a day or two, more over Christmas. I don’t think I should have to pay for childcare if her dad is off work!

I also don’t like being told not to message his mum (my dc grandma) and not to call him. My partner doesn’t have such rules from his child’s mother! I think it creates a tension between parents that doesn’t need to be there. Like I said, their lives are easier than mine because they share a child and have that support for each other. My partner does his best but like me works shifts.

If he takes me to court I’d be surprised if he gets anymore than what he’s got now. And it would break down our relationship entirely.

Im not dropping off my daughter to enjoy time on my own. When I’ve said can you do Tuesday this week, and I’ll do an extra day next week, he refuses the extra day the next week. I just think he’s making it very hard.

I didn’t work up until DC was 2, and so the weeks worked out fine. Now I’m struggling.

I just want a more flexible routine that allows 50/50 contact. I don’t think it’s disruptive to do a 2week rota based on my changing work schedule when his is fixed!

Is this a reverse thread by any chance? Because I'm struggling to believe anyone would actually be this blinkered...

It would be reasonable for you to point out to him that he doesn't have to help, but then he can't tell you what childcare to use or not use on your own days. If I was you, I would stop asking him to cover mornings etc for your job and use your other childcare options wherever possible.

It's not reasonable for you to expect him or his wife to support your job or cover for your illness unless it's a true emergency. However, it's also not reasonable for him to tell you not to use your family for childcare.

I'm starting to think that too.

It is absolutely disruptive and unreasonable to expect everybody to work around YOUR shifts.

And yes, you have to pay for childcare on your days, that is literally how it works. Your time, your problem. You need to find a job that actually works for your child without requiring everybody else to flex for you.

The only person in the wrong is you and as I say, a court would absolutely agree with him, you’d lose the time and have to pay him CMS. He’s gathering evidence OP, hence the np calls, and you’re giving him plenty to work with.

Flexibility is important, but it has to go both ways. At the moment, the flexibility being asked for only seems to benefit you.

Saying “I need to work” or “it benefits our daughter” can’t be the end of the discussion if the impact on him is being ignored. Co-parenting should be about compromise, not one person constantly adapting while the other does what they want.

You’ve said you’re “banned” from contacting his mum, is that because she found the volume of childcare requests difficult and he’s now stepped in to handle communication instead?

Tread carefully. He could apply to the court for majority care, and based on what you’ve said here, he may well be successful. That would mean your time reducing to EOW and you paying maintenance.

Is that the outcome you want?

On the contacting his Mum for childcare point - does that mean you would have support from him, his wife, his family, your partner and your family while he only has support from his wife? And you're complaining that they have it easier? Two working parents with a presumably younger child full time, one of who whom works teacher hours which are horrendous, probably don't have it that easy.

You are completely ignoring what everyone is telling you here.

It is completely unreasonable to want to constantly change the rota because you dont want to pay for childcare... it would be so so disruptive to.your 6yr old who needs stability.

I don't think anyone has misunderstood... you often have to drop.off your child early on your days. You said if you had to drop her the night before you would hardly ever see her.

The fact that your ex and his wife have their crap together to make sure their kids (biological or not) aren't shipped allover isn't a reason for them to take on extra childcare at any whim. Their lives are easier because they've put their kids first.

It doesn't matter if you are dropping your child off to go clubbing or working... it's your responsibility! Not theirs. They just want stability for them and your daughter. She is soon going to be an age where she tries to stay with her Dad more because it's stable.

If you need help with a 9-5 you can use your mum, sister, childminder, fiance or afterschool club.

I will have to look for other work, as everyone has suggested. It’s not a quick fix.

I do think it’s double standards for mums and dads.

but I’ll take it on board and see what I can do. I could cry from how shit thjs all makes me feel like I’m failing my child

My husband works similar to you - last minute shift changes, bank holidays, weekends, lates etc. I can’t rely on him to be there at any given time which has a big effect on how much I’m able to work. I can never make plans on a weekend without checking his rota, and sometimes the shift changes at short notice or he’s late off from work and I have to cancel plans.
I put up with it because we are a partnership - we both work in different ways towards maintaining our joint lifestyle, paying our joint mortgage etc etc. If we ever split up, I would not for a second allow my life to still be dictated by the whims of his shifts, and I think you’re really unreasonable to expect it from your ex.

I haven't seen any double standards in people's replies, everyone is saying the same thing, and exactly what they'd say if it was a woman writing that the father of the kid wanted everyone to work around his unpredictable work rota.
You haven't posted anything that makes the man sound unreasonable.

I am glad you are taking this on board. You aren't necessarily failing your child.but she does deserve stability and will want it (and thrive on it) the older she gets.

No you absolutely should not be messaging his mother to ask her to have your child. That’s his job. You can ask your family. You don’t ask his. That’s wildly overstepping.

He is being totally reasonable. You haven’t had a weekend with your child in over a year? And now you have one you’ve swapped it so you can go to your sisters wedding? Why aren’t you taking your child with you to her aunties wedding?
Honestly I can see why he’s had enough. He is the primary caregiver and you just slot your child in when it suits you and he is expected to have her the rest of the time.
You need a job with fixed shifts. The same every week. Not one that chops and changes. That you’re expected to pick up extras or you don’t get any the following week. That’s not how jobs work.
You are not prioritising your child, as hard as it is to hear you’re not. You have been extremely lucky he has been so reasonable up to now

I'm confused, you want to inconvenience one step parent as long as its not your partner...

I can see how hard it is for you to work shifts but if he won't cover you then that's that, he is not obliged to. You need to find other solutions.