DC dad is making out I’m a shit mum - help!

[Loulouise12]

i have a 6 year old, dad and me never “together” before the birth or after, basically he left me and told me he didn’t want a relationship when I was 6mos along. He moved on very quickly, and married his partner when DC6 was only 2. I’ve since gotten engaged and we plan to marry soon, I am a stepmum to his daughter too so I know how hard it can be and all coparent relationships and dynamics are hard.

DC6 has also been 50% with me, 50% with dad. It’s one week with me, one week with him. He’s a good dad, there’s no denying that. But I find the way he talks to me to be quite rude sometimes.

I work in a job that is rotaed and I can’t just select the days I work, meaning things change at the last minute and I sometimes have to swap a few days with her dad.

Over Christmas, I had dental extraction of my tooth which meant I was struggling to look after DC, and I had to work Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. So it ended up with DC6 being at her dad’s more than she was here. Christmas is a busy time in my job and of course I would want to spend all my time with my little girl but I need to work.

i actually text him on the day I had my tooth out saying I was feeling in pain and could he pick DC up but he didn’t reply. I think that’s harsh.

This week, I’ve been asked to work extra tomorrow and Thursday, which means I need to be in work at 8am. I’ve text him asking if I could bring her to his house tomorrow morning around 745am, and him to take her to school. I got this reply:

Yes that’s fine. Can we please sit down soon and discuss our schedules? We has DC a lot over Christmas and these drop offs early mornings aren’t providing stability for her. It might be worth discussing this with work too. We’re always happy to have DC here, but let’s make it more predictable. I know that you have asked for your weekend together next week to be swapped, but I think that we really need to do that only in emergencies. Thanks.

Firstly I feel like his wife wrote that message. Secondly, I try my best to provide stability but I don’t have the luxury of a 9-5 where I can be there for all school drop offs. I don’t claim maintainece off him. His wife drops off their DC at school and so also does school drop off for my DC, but I’ve never expected her to do that - her dad could do it (he wfh). It’s also the same school? The alternative would be for DC to spend all overnights that I’m working the next day at her dad’s but this means I wouldn’t see her as much and that’s hard for me and her.

I do appreciate his help, but when I am unwell (tooth extraction) and working, I do think he should “step up” like I would do for him. Next weekend is the only weekend I’ve had off work in nearly a year and it’s my sisters wedding so that’s a complete one off. We’ve swapped weekends before, so I feel like it’s another stick to beat me with.

he’s said other stuff as well, basically that I shouldn’t be letting my mum or sister look after DC when I’m working. If I’m doing nightshifts I will drop her at my mums for the evening, which she loves. He said that I should be dropping him at his to provide “stability”.

I know his wife has a problem with me generally so I’m imagining a lot of this is coming from her. There was never an issue until they had a child together.

Aibu to think he’s just criticising me for trying my best and if this was a dad expecting help no eyebrows would be raised?

You’re expecting partner-level support from someone who isn’t your partner

100% this. His message wasn't rude and I don't think his wife is the issue.

9-5 with after school care would suit and be predictable. Most parents can't handle changing shift patterns without a partner picking up the slack...however I think even a partner would get hacked off after a while

You need to think what is best for your DC, and NOT for you.

Children need stability and routine. It's not fair to be dropping her off in the morning, chopping and changing your plans, expecting your ex to be flexible.

Your hours are not his problem. Your toothache is not his problem.

Surely the school has an after school club you could use? Or breakfast club? You need to factor that into your own costs of having your child on your days.

Or speak to your work about having a fixed schedule? Perhaps there are unpopular shifts you could offer to work on the basis you ALWAYS do these ones then your DC can be with her dad on these days?

Perhaps stop trying to do 50/50 and let her spend more time with her dad if it offers her more stability.

Single parenting isn't for the weak however you have a support network grom what you have said. Does your partner live with you? Sounds like ex partner is being accommodating and helping out. Sleepovers with your Mum occasionally sound fine too as its important for children to have a relationship with grandparents providing the child is happy. However, if you keep picking up extra shifts and changing things around on a whim I can see his point tbf. How would you feel if he did it to you when you were going to work? I think you do both need to sit down and discuss schedules for all of your sakes, children need stability. If you were having a tooth extracted it is naturally painful could you not have planned for this? Then you were able to work but still sent your daughter to exes house. Think you need to think carefully @Loulouise12 as while lone parenting has its challenges this could end badly if not handled well. Good luck!

Sorry @Loulouise12 but you are way out of line.

1. He is doing majority of the parenting here, not you. You have a bit of a cheek mentioning that he doesn't pay maintenance. If anything he's keeping a record by text of all your chopping & changing for this purpose.

2. You need to organise your life better. Either get a job 9-5 and use wrap around care like most families, keep your existing job and have your fiance, parents, babysitter etc provide childcare.

3. His wife absolutely isn't the issue. She willingly takes your child to school on YOUR access days as a favour. Who cares if she WFH... she's not your skivvy. She's doing it because she cares about your daughter and her dad. She's also seemingly helping him care for your child alot which is lovely... sane can't be said your partner though? Where is he in all this? I'm a stepmum and I always help my husband out where I need to but in general we don't bend over backwards for my SS mum... she has her own husband and family to help.

4. He's 100% right about stability for your daughter. Poor child doesn't know where she's going to be from one day to the next or who will be looking after her. This will get alot harder as she gets older too.

5. Just because you don't like what he's said to you... doesn't make it rude. He actually sounds very calm & collected and focused on your daughters best interests

I could look for a 9-5 but I’m not sure what I could do. I’ll have a look.

wrap around care would be expensive and I’m not sure I can afford it. My mum could help out a bit, but every day after school is going to be a lot for her.

At the moment I only need to work 3 or 4 days a week meaning I can still do pickups and drop offs on days I’m not working,

my partner works long shifts too, and obviously we have his daughter here too so he’s busy with her as well. He does help when she’s here but she lives quite far away and so he’s driving a lot to and back from her mums after long shifts.

I’m not sure why it’s suddenly become a problem for him. The use of messages as “evidence” has scared me tbh. I don’t think he’d take me to court. It is routinely 50/50 except in cases I can’t help.

the tooth was an emergency appointment. I’m sure if people have had it done before you know how painful it is. If he couldn’t look after her he could have least of replied. I just think there’s an element of his wife telling him what we should and shouldn’t be doing.

The message was rude in the fact that it reads like he’s a calm, reasonable person and I’m not doing my best for our child. Itd not the tone he usually uses and so I assumed it was his wife.

YABVU.

What on earth would you do if he wasn’t so flexible? It’s all very well saying “well I need to work” but the whole situation sounds like an absolute mess and very confusing for your child.

I’m a single parent too BTW. I insist on set days with my exh. I really don’t think shift work is compatible with single parenting.

Sooner or later your child will dig their heels in and start protesting about being moved around so much.

Yes, wraparound care is expensive. Unfortunately that’s the reality. What’s even more expensive is when he inevitably claims CMS against you, and rightly so. He’s the primary carer and should be getting maintenance from you.

You continually blame his wife but, even if she is involved, she is just establishing your child has clear and consistent boundaries and is acting in the mother role towards her.

I also don’t think his message is rude at all. Who cares if his wife helped him write it? It’s very reasonable tbh.

it’s fine for you to find alternative care for your child eg your partner or mum or dad or sister or childminder or wraparound care, it’s not ok for you to make your ex be the default option. If you need alternative care on your weeks, you sort it out. Build a safety net of support options. Chuck money at it. Start reciprocal arrangements with other families. Get your partner to take some responsibility for your kid in the same way I reckon you would do for his.

your ex has been very accommodating and if a man had written this they would get the same advice. Your week, your problem to figure out alternative care

Does it matter if its his wife saying it?

You're expecting her to pick up the slack on your days.

I get it op, I'm a single parent, and worked full time until fairly recently, I took on any kind of job that fit in the hours I needed, nursery assistant, cleaner, shop work, and load of other grubby and tedious jobs. I was still paying out for childcare as well, it's not easy, but the alternative is your ex having your dc full time and you getting every second weekend and one night through the week or similar by the sounds of it. Him, his wife and all the dc involved need stability which nobody is getting atm.

my partner works long shifts too, and obviously we have his daughter here too so he’s busy with her as well. He does help when she’s here but she lives quite far away and so he’s driving a lot to and back from her mums after long shifts.
so he helps when his own daughter is there? Helps with his own child, or will only help with your dd is there if his dd is?
what industry do you work in?

Usually the weeks are 50/50, occasionally over Christmas or a few times a year I’ll have to pick up extra shifts. If I say no, I won’t get any further shifts that week. I understand my job is not his problem, but I just expected some support with it. As it benefits our child.

If I drop off my daughter every time I work early the next day, we would never see her. I’ve asked for our days to be more flexible - eg, agreed the week before and bot whole weeks, but he has refused.

His mum has also offered to help, but I’ve been banned from contacting her! All requests need to go through him.

I am primary carer of my daughter. I have tried my best every step of the way. I’ve done pregnancy and beyond alone. He’s always said he would support me, and I am grateful for it. But I feel stuck and judged

You’re not primary carer, you have 50/50.

You are still being unreasonable to even suggest that you should be changing days and weeks weekly based on your rota.

Good for him if he has decided to collect evidence to formalise an agreement because this just doesn’t work OP, it’s all about what works for you and expecting his family and your child to work around that- if you genuinely can’t see that is unreasonable then you never will.

Then it makes even less sense

You said "His wife drops off their DC at school and so also does school drop off for my DC, but I’ve never expected her to do that - her dad could do it (he wfh)"

If it's the wife who WFH, why are you suggesting your ex could do it if he is a teacher?

The one thing he is doing wrong is that he is saying to you that if you need childcare he should get first option because he is then using this against you. Unless it is court ordered that he gets first option, don't ask him when you need childcare. Sort it out yourself. Don't let him know about whatever arrangement you make.

You're a single parent and you need a village. Find several sources of childcare both paid and unpaid so that you have options. This may include trading favours with neighbours and friends. But you need to arrange your life so that when DD is with you, you do not call on him for anything except a dire emergency when no one else in your village can help.

You're going to have to look for another job unless you want the custody schedule changed. Your shift work and expecting so many last minute changes is unfair to the other co-parent. I think you're expecting his wife to be yet another co-parent as your backup, which is also unfair.

I do think you should be able to leave your child with the caretaker of your choice on your time without criticism unless you guys have right of first refusal there and that's applicable in your case.

So your problem with his message is that he accommodated your request in a calm and reasonable manner but also expressed an opinion about the impact of your work schedule on his/your child?

What do you expect him to do - him to just go along with whatever you demand while keeping his mouth shut about the upset your unreliability is causing?

I am primary carer of my daughter. I have tried my best every step of the way. I’ve done pregnancy and beyond alone. He’s always said he would support me, and I am grateful for it. But I feel stuck and judged

You haven't been doing it alone. You're not primary carer. He is doing more than half. You're expecting his wife him to pick up the slack because they have set up their lives to accommodate the children involved.

Believe me, I know how tough single parenting is, but your efforts are going on blaming him and his wife rather than doing anything to help your situation.

You need a new job - 9-5 is fine and normal - you'd pop DC in after school club or your mum or sister or your fiance can pick her up early from breakfast club if they're free some days.

Or you need to ask work to rota you on roughly the same shifts or same times as a flexible working pattern
No overtime
Your work doesn't really sound great, no job security and you won't get shifts if you don't pick up overtime? So you don't have a set contracted hours? I would just be tempted to get any other job. TA, retail, warehouse in the early morning, supermarket, pharmacy etc something lower paid but better hours even if you needed to.
Obviously easier said than done but I would be brushing off your CV and updating it ready to fire off ASAP.

It is what it is, I don't disagree with him and his wife, it's annoying not knowing for sure what's going on and 6 is little still.

I don't think he's judging and realistically even if he and his wife are judging you that's irrelevant. I would go and have a chat with them and explain your rota and how you're looking for a new job soon etc
Ignore him saying about you shouldn't be using your mum and sister, that's unreasonable.

Presumably you'll want children with your new partner possibly so you should try and be in a better position work wise for then too

Im confused as to when you actually have time with your DD, if you have not had a weekend off in over a year, who looks after her on your weekends?

You really aren’t the primary carer and at this rate you’ll likely to end up being taken to court and given fixed days that mean you often don’t see your daughter.

If your intention is 50/50 then that’s what it is. Anything at all that needs covering during your 50% of the time is completely up to you to organise by getting your mum, sister or paid childcare to support you. If that means you are unhappy with how much time you are your daughter and how much you are spending on childcare, then change jobs.

If I drop off my daughter every time I work early the next day, we would never see her. I’ve asked for our days to be more flexible - eg, agreed the week before and bot whole weeks, but he has refused.
so you want everything to be arranged around you?

You say work “asked” you to work these additional times, can’t you just say no? No employer can expect you to be 100% available at all time.

Also interested to know what constitutes being the “primary carer” given you & your ex share 50/50 custody.

Nah sorry YABU - he seems - from the message, really reasonable so unless there is a drip feed… you need to provide a more stable home life for your daughter - she has to come first, not work.