DC dad is making out I’m a shit mum - help!

[Loulouise12]

i have a 6 year old, dad and me never “together” before the birth or after, basically he left me and told me he didn’t want a relationship when I was 6mos along. He moved on very quickly, and married his partner when DC6 was only 2. I’ve since gotten engaged and we plan to marry soon, I am a stepmum to his daughter too so I know how hard it can be and all coparent relationships and dynamics are hard.

DC6 has also been 50% with me, 50% with dad. It’s one week with me, one week with him. He’s a good dad, there’s no denying that. But I find the way he talks to me to be quite rude sometimes.

I work in a job that is rotaed and I can’t just select the days I work, meaning things change at the last minute and I sometimes have to swap a few days with her dad.

Over Christmas, I had dental extraction of my tooth which meant I was struggling to look after DC, and I had to work Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Year’s Eve. So it ended up with DC6 being at her dad’s more than she was here. Christmas is a busy time in my job and of course I would want to spend all my time with my little girl but I need to work.

i actually text him on the day I had my tooth out saying I was feeling in pain and could he pick DC up but he didn’t reply. I think that’s harsh.

This week, I’ve been asked to work extra tomorrow and Thursday, which means I need to be in work at 8am. I’ve text him asking if I could bring her to his house tomorrow morning around 745am, and him to take her to school. I got this reply:

Yes that’s fine. Can we please sit down soon and discuss our schedules? We has DC a lot over Christmas and these drop offs early mornings aren’t providing stability for her. It might be worth discussing this with work too. We’re always happy to have DC here, but let’s make it more predictable. I know that you have asked for your weekend together next week to be swapped, but I think that we really need to do that only in emergencies. Thanks.

Firstly I feel like his wife wrote that message. Secondly, I try my best to provide stability but I don’t have the luxury of a 9-5 where I can be there for all school drop offs. I don’t claim maintainece off him. His wife drops off their DC at school and so also does school drop off for my DC, but I’ve never expected her to do that - her dad could do it (he wfh). It’s also the same school? The alternative would be for DC to spend all overnights that I’m working the next day at her dad’s but this means I wouldn’t see her as much and that’s hard for me and her.

I do appreciate his help, but when I am unwell (tooth extraction) and working, I do think he should “step up” like I would do for him. Next weekend is the only weekend I’ve had off work in nearly a year and it’s my sisters wedding so that’s a complete one off. We’ve swapped weekends before, so I feel like it’s another stick to beat me with.

he’s said other stuff as well, basically that I shouldn’t be letting my mum or sister look after DC when I’m working. If I’m doing nightshifts I will drop her at my mums for the evening, which she loves. He said that I should be dropping him at his to provide “stability”.

I know his wife has a problem with me generally so I’m imagining a lot of this is coming from her. There was never an issue until they had a child together.

Aibu to think he’s just criticising me for trying my best and if this was a dad expecting help no eyebrows would be raised?

From your unwillingness to hear what literally everyone is saying about how you’re expecting too much from your ex and the way you’re arguing and playing the victim (of your own choices), I suspect there’s a very good reason that he doesn’t want to take your calls.

I don’t take calls from my difficult ex either, as it’s stressful and frustrating and I don’t care to engage with his circular reasoning/entitled attitude. You may wish to reflect honestly on why your ex may have put this boundary in place.

If he took you to court the judge wouldn't rule he can't plan anything more than 2 weeks in advance to pander to your shifts. You'd be told if you want to do week on week off you need childcare for your shifts in your time.

You need to speak to work about making your shifts more regular or better notice and look for other work thats more reliable.

I do think it’s double standards for mums and dads.

The only double standard here is the step mum is expected to do everything and the step dad is expected to do nothing.

But he has a problem with grandma or auntie looking after the child. That's where he's being unreasonable. It's fine for them to be helping when child is with you. Stick to your weeks and organise family childcare if you need to. Your week, your decision.

You’re not listening and you’re only thinking about what you want and what suits you.

It doesn’t suit him. And it doesn’t have to. Your job is your problem. If he goes to court, he will win because they’ll set a schedule and you need to stick to it and that’s what he wants.

You are entirely in the wrong here. And if you go 9 to 5 then you pay for after school childcare in your days, you don’t call him or his mum.

No wonder he doesn’t want phone calls from you. He needs all of this in writing because your behaviour is entirely unreasonable.

I suspect his issue is that the child is being sent to stay with granny or aunt potentially a few times a week. So potentially going across 3 or 4 homes in a 14 day period.

But agreed, he doesn't get s say unless there is a safeguarding issue.

When you say you're not dropping off your daughter to enjoy time on your own, did you not also say that you'll be dropping off your daughter so you can go to your sister's wedding? And will your fiance be going to the wedding with you?

The one unreasonable thing from him is saying you can't ask your mum for childcare and should ask him first. It's your time and you can make childcare arrangements with whoever you want. He doesn't get to veto that. Your mum is a decent option so try to use her if needed. That might be more stable for your DD too.

Everything else, you're expecting too much with. You can't expect his wife to help with childcare then get shirty if you think a message comes from her. You can't expect him to chop and change around your job.

Look for another job. This one sounds crap and exploitative.

Do you and your partner have joint finances? It all seems pretty individual. You said he works shifts too: is it just very long hours?

I think he’s got a point if it’s his mother. I’m not sure I’d love my ex arranging childcare with mine, especially if it’s an end-around me.

Now if it’s her mum then yeah 100% go for it.

I feel like these responses should show you how much narrative power you've given him by accepting his call him first rule. It's unreasonable to ban you from making other arrangements and then object. My response to his concerns would be "of course, I thought you wanted the extra time with dc but if not, as you know, i have suitable childcare arrangements that enable me to work and won't impact you."

A tooth extraction? Come on OP, you take pain relief and crack on. We’ve all been there and just had to get on with it.
It’s not like she’s a toddler. She’s 6 years old.

He’s allowed to reserve his mum for overspill childcare requests and you’re allowed to have your mum. I think that’s reasonable.

but it seems like you need to pay for childcare. Saying he’s off so he should do it would go down like a lead balloon if he kept doing that to you on your days off.

sorry out your childcare situation. The odd swap is fine but it should be really infrequent.

To be fair to OP, her ex seems to want "right of first refusal" which is not a thing in the UK. AIUI in the UK your time, your choice.
I would step back OP. Go with texts only. Use your mum or a childminder, don't ask him. If your job is specialist then stick with it - it's going to be better for you and your DC long term. Stick to your days. If he doesn't want to discuss arrangements and doesn't want to do more time, he doesn't get a say.

Going against the grain here.
I don't think you need to look for another job, unless you want to.
I do think your Ex is deliberately setting you up so that he can go to court and say that he has DC much more than 50% of the time currently.
Iiwy;
I would abide by his request to only communicate by text,
ignore his 'rule' that you shouldn't ask anyone but him to cover childcare for you,
Ask your mum/sister/friend to take up the slack for you when you are working, or have another commitment.

Flexible working is only useful if its predictable and you actually have the freedom to work when you want and as suits those who rely on you.

Your flexible shifts job does not sound like this at all, it sounds unpredictable and that if you decline a shift, you are then penalised for that. You need to find a better job, whether thats another flexible shift role where you can actually say 'I can do any hours on weeks 1 and 3, limited hours weeks 2 and 4 each month' and they'll work with you, or a 9-5 role that earns you more but you need to then pay for wrap-around care.

Child care on your days is your responsibility, to cover and to pay for. The idea that if he is not at work he should have your child is batshit in the extreme! Thats not 50/50 care and certainly not you being the primary/resident parent!

Only thing I disagree with him on is him saying you shouldn't be letting your mum or sister look after child whilst you work as if it's your scheduled time with the child then he gets zero say in who you leave the child with (unless they pose a risk to the child).

The rest is fair enough, if you are wanting him to have her extra on your week or swap days with you then it's fair enough he wants that schedule to be more consistent, if you can't do this then find someone else to do it. It's also not his responsibility to "step up" and take DD because you have toothache, if you was so poorly you was in hospital and it was in an emergency so couldn't physically care for DD then fair enough then he does need to step up then but you aren't so you'll have to muddle though like everyone else, he's her Dad not your partner to be there to make things easier for you.

Stop blaming his wife too, some of it may or may not be coming from her (which again if it is fair enough as it impacts her household which she is fully entitled to have a voice in) but he either thinks same or it's just coming from him.

Im team DH.

Mainly because I agree with his points and hes asking to sit and talk about it. He does 50:50 and on top of that youre dropping childcare on him at short notice regularly. It doesnt matter that youre what would often be seen as a workaholic were you a man, you need to try harder to manage expectations at work. You cant treat him like a partner, hes a co parent whos carrying his weight and more.

However I think he is unreasonable saying he doesnt want you to let her stay with anyone but you two and then complain when you comply. Its her nana or her aunty not a mate you picked up 6 months ago.

So if it were me, Id be managing expectations at work or looking for a more consistent job. Id be telling him, that a. Sometimes you will need help and he can he open to it being him or supportive that its your mum and b. Your LO loves her family so sometimes, at your discretion she will be staying with her family so she can build strong happy relationships with them.

I think you both love DD and communication seems good. He may have also hit nerve, try and let it go and have the convo. She sounds lucky to have you both

Sorry. OP, you're not listening.
You asked for advice and got it but to keep saying I'm trying my best is not addressing what you need to do. Yourself.

Why is his message rude?
You say it makes him around like a calm person .. Is he not calm really?
If he's not calm why would you want him to have you child at all?

I feel sorry for the child. She sounds like a parcel being passed around two homes. At no point in the narrative did anyone seem to care what she wants and in which home she'd like to stay or whether she also needs a break from it all. It sounds like purely an issue of convenience & logistics to have whoever is available looking after her. At just 6 years old, she hasn't known anything else except being bounced between two antagonistic parents.

It sounds like OP loves the freedom that comes with 50-50 and the constant possibility of offloading childcare to a husband and stepmum. Assuming she works 3x12hr shifts, she still gets 5 entire days & nights for herself which is a luxury most married mums can only dream of.

Oof just saw the main parent part. No your not it’s 50/50 with him actually picking up every bit of your slack and bending to your job which we tend to tell ex wives not to.

Don’t get suckered in like that op who thought she was main parent on 50/50 that actually wasn’t 50/50 and then lost her kids.

You do need to step up and actually sort your shit for your child on your time and that doesn’t mean asking his mum. He has moved to texts to prove you’re not doing 50/50 and that you are always requesting changes.

No double standards every other day on here women are told to tell their ex’s nope it’s your time your problem. No I’m not swapping. Take me to court and so on. Because wife privilege or in this case husband privilege stops when you stop being a couple. They are not there to fix your problems to help you. They are there for their child and if that means they end up being 60/70/80/90 parent then that’s often best for the child rather that a fake 50/50 but being shunted off last minute for an extra shift or shift change or a tooth ache. Surely your partner could have had her for a tooth ache.

So basically it's
Your week
His week
Your week
His week
I would say keep swaps to a minimum, maybe 2 weeks swap and 3 or so individual days swap max in a 6 month period - no more. He should be ok with you using childcare on your time, but to be fair, even if you were using paid childcare, swaps would need to be notified well in advance and would only be accommodated IF there were spaces on the new days. The current situation is unfair on him and your child.

Well done to the dad for bending over backwards for you.
truthfully, you do sound like you are totally in the wrong. Shit mum? You said those words…

dad is putting the kid first, your not. Work this, work that…. Ooooo I have had a tooth out, can’t look after kid…

thank god your not a single parent with no option but to suck it up.

sounds like the dad and family have priorities sorted, you however….

tough to hear? You betcha, listen to the people on here… you are in the wrong!

Stop feeling like shit, you are giving him too much control and headspace. You need to step back, and start to care less what you think he, or his DP think.

Like others I think he has some reasonable points , and it might be a different job would work better for you.

But, that said when you have your DC it’s your rules, and you get to arrange childcare. If you can do it with your family, and it works for your DC do that. Neither can he dictate whether or not you speak directly to his DM. That’s between you and her. He sounds controlling, so I wouldn’t assume it’s coming from his DP necessarily.

Either way step back, look online even for some help and support in how you deal with him/present yourself. He’s not your boss, you’re not obliged to do everything he suggests. Of course ( and you’re doing that here) consider if he’s making a reasonable request or suggestion as he might be.

Good luck, it’s hard work parenting !

I’d reply “you abandoned me when I was pregnant, if you recall. I didn’t expect to be parenting on my own, but here we are. I’m doing my best. Im not trying to take advantage of your goodwill - I’m in a very difficult position with shifts and you are in a position to help. If you would like to revisit the principle that you’re the first person I call when I need help with dc, then let’s discuss as I can try and organise someone else to help me if you can’t step up.”