to not accept that this is a "thing" that most people do?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Woman I work with is early 20's and has been with her OH for six moths. She was getting really pissed off with him because he hadnt asked her to be his GF. Me and another colleague (just turned 30), both said that after 6 months being BF/GF was a given surely, they had had the "exclusive" conversation a few weeks in. Imo thats when they became an official couple but she insists not.

Then she came into work all smiles as he had officially asked her and it involved a fancy meal, flowers, that sort of thing....basically a mini proposal!

She insists that this is how it should be done and that until the man asks the woman to be his GF they are still just dating. She was genuinely surprised when other colleague and I said that we had never done this and had never heard of it.

I think this is a) not a thing and b) nuts, but am I wrong and out of date given I am in my fifties?

Whyyyyy have young women voluntarily disempowered themselves and gone backwards compared to the 90/00s?

DH and I knew we were together from the first kiss.

Yes relationships were considered exclusive from the get-go back in my day (1970s/80s). Anything else was two timing and unacceptable. It was all unspoken rules.

That is standard for young people. DS is 24, he chatted to a girl he met OD for 3 weeks then they went on 5 dates in 8 days and on that last date had the exclusive chat. They then became BF and GF after 8 weeks. It wasn’t a wedding proposal type thing but he did it in a very sweet way she told me all about it.

Seems over complicated to me.

DH and I were engaged 6 months in and living together.

Like my contemporary, la maman de la @ComtesseDeSpair, I played my field while a boyfriend/FWB/squeeze was assumed to be playing his. After a bit you had an exclusivity chat and then your fields were supposedly limited to one another.

Can somebody please elaborate on talking? I've seen some things recently, which suggest that Gen Z literally sever contact with all their friends of the opposite sex while dating.

I have no idea whether this precedes or follows the exclusivity phase, the boy/girlfriend phase, or some other arcane relationship milestone but it sounds brutally unhealthy.

In the 70s it was a given that if you asked someone out on a date you weren’t dating anyone else during that time (from day 1). Anything other than that was cheating. It’s all quite different now.

My sister is in her mid 30s and this is exactly how she’s experienced the dating world since her and her dh split a few years ago. I’ve got a few single friends in their 50s and they’ve described similar and my dd (20) has said her friends relationships have had this type of thing too.

I just assumed a sizeable part of the dating world is like this now. Where some people don’t want the full on long term commitment or social expectations of boyfriend/ girlfriend type roles but also don’t want to have casual sex or a fuck buddy. So a long term exclusive but casual dating type scenario where theres dates, romance and fucking but without the expectation there will be all the other stuff such as sharing very long term plans, or meeting each others family, or discussing long term plans. I think it might be a similar concept to the “situationship”

My sister has said she’s had a lot of offers to date as a throuple/poly type set up and she’s found that side if trying to date a bit more “wasn’t like this in my days” she joked that the cost of living crisis is behind it and that people need three or four adult incomes to afford to breath.

Ok, so here’s my Mary Whitehouse (that’ll age me) question: would a man ask a woman to be his girlfriend before they’ve slept together? ie if a girl is interested in going out with a boy on an exclusive basis, does she have to have sex with him first and pass his test in order to ensure he’s not hedging his bets and seeing other women at the same time?

...maybe when you're in primary school...

Yeah the group thing was after my time as an adult ’dating’ (I’m really afraid to use that word now!). I was in the meet a guy at a bar/club, exchange phone numbers (on paper!), and meet for dinner or drinks.

The ‘dating’ for me it was that time period where it was casual with no commitment no matter what the activity was. DH and I had opposite work schedules so our early activities consisted of a football/soccer match that I was playing in with dinner after while I was still wearing pigtails and my stupid tall socks, a wedding of his coworker where he manned the cotton candy/candy floss(?) machine most of the night, and I think a surprise party for one of my coworkers birthdays. Oh and he drove to and from my bunion surgery! Other than that we spoke on the phone at 6am and 9pm . It was quite the disaster 🤣

I was happy when he finally just moved in it was crazy trying to coordinate anything with him!

And for the record I’m too old for this nonsense (50) If anything happens to DH I’m joining the nunnery.

I did proper dating in the 70s. A guy asked you out, you went to the pub, cinema, eating out etc, were a couple at parties. It was all exclusive and ended the minute one of you either cheated or just met someone else they wanted to date instead. Not being exclusive from day one wasn’t a thing.

You both knew because you were asked or you asked them “do you want to go out sometime “.
If you did then it was taken as read you were exclusive until one of you dumped the other (even after that date). You didn’t see/shag anyone else until dumped because that was two timing.

You were able to shag people as ONS or friends with benefits but you didn’t go out on dates with them as such. These weren’t ever counted as BF’s or GF’s.

Simple.

YI mean, you don't have to 'accept it' if you don't want to - social customs change over time and people generally become more conservative as they age.

Up to you if you want to be one of those people who tuts at younger generations because they do things differently than 'back in my day...'

When I feel confronted about new things my kids report, I find it helpful to think back and remember things that were normal to my generation but criticized and made fun of by older people...

So a long term exclusive but casual dating type scenario where theres dates, romance and fucking but without the expectation there will be all the other stuff

So it's the same as 'going out with' and similar terms, eg 'seeing', with an extra label (and ceremony)? Every exclusive pairing is long term until it isn't

Once they've gone through this quasi-engagement ritual, do they have to quasi-divorce when it goes wrong??

It is a 'thing' but not a good thing, especially allowing the man to decide when he wants a serious relationship while the little woman waits hopefully. What happened to feminism.

situationship- mr/mrs ‘right now’ ( till someone better comes along) - not mr/mrs right’

Surely that’s the returning of the sweatshirt and undies left at the others place? Always was semi-dramatic. Usually there are pictures to burn and drinking to celebrate

Not the girlfriend proposal thing but I am in my 40s and had the 'exclusive' conversation with a boyfriend in the early noughties. He was bemused but looking back someone who did need to be put on the spot.
Now DH we dated for six weeks and then went Facebook official

I always thought you ask someone to be your boyfriend/girlfriend and then if they yes then you generally hang around together and sometimes go on proper dates, depending on how old you are and how much money you have.

Mind you it's been 25 years since I last did this so I probably don't know much!

“It’s Complicated“

When I was single and dating in my 30s, I thought it a pretty good rule of thumb to assume that in the first c. 3 months they might be seeing other people unless agreed otherwise, and after that to assume they will not, unless agreed otherwise!

All these young women waiting about like a Bennet sister to be asked to be a gf of someone they’ve been going out with for months is really depressing reading.

partner and I met when we were 18

we were flatmates at uni, were friends for a month. Around that time I had this weird thought of “huh, I could marry this man and be very happy”. We were just friends and I told myself to shut up.

he asked me out soon after and we planned a date a month out for a show. By the time the date rolled around I’d already moved into his room. We’d gone out to eat at other places, gone to do stuff… and then the date was really fun and natural.

and then six weeks in I said “I am your only girlfriend, right?” I mean I’d obviously never seen him with another girl, but I thought I should actually say it. He didn’t, and we agreed that we were already dating exclusively and that it’s a bit sly to date multiple people at once.

When I was single and dating in my 30s, I thought it a pretty good rule of thumb to assume that in the first c. 3 months they might be seeing other people unless agreed otherwise, and after that to assume they will not, unless agreed otherwise!

I always expected them to only be seeing me. Plenty of time to pursue others if we hadn't worked out. I'd have dumped them for that.
That being said, this wasn't online dating total strangers, more of a social group where people would always at least know some people in common etc so possibly a bit different.

Yabu because things have changed but yanbu to think its for the worse.

Back in my day, you went out a few times and slept together when you wanted to make it official. Any other sex was a one night stand or fwb.

Eta, I don't remember "being exclusive" being a thing. You dated one person at a time or you were two-timing.

It’s a thing now which is crazy! My 3rd cousin gave his girlfriend flowers and a sign that said “will you be my girlfriend?” It was posted all over social media for everyone to see. I find it a bit laughable as someone who is nearing 40. The official confirmation I had from my husband when we first started dating, was a quick kiss in a shopping centre car park after a cinema date 🤷‍♀️