Friends response to honesty

[summerily25]

My friend has been dating someone for a few years who I feel is not single. When they originally met this person said they were recently separated etc etc however years later this person is still in regular touch with ex-husband, attending functions together, short trips, school events etc. My friend has yet to have this lady spend a night with him, introduce him to any of her family or friends or basically act like they are in a relationship in the open. I have said before that I didnt think she was completely single but to no avail. I also believe that she has had other "mini" affairs whilst with my friend.

This lady has gone back and forward to her dh for many years, wherein the dh will be aware that she has met someone else, that relationship comes to an end and off she pops back to her dh.

My friend has left and gone back a few times but most recently decided to leave the relationship for good. I was very direct this time about my feelings. I told him that she was basically having an affair - she has had previous affairs and although she was telling my friend she was separated etc I could see no difference between her previous affairs and what my friend had with her. My friend has become very angry with me - in fact vented quite strongly and accused me of being too invested etc. I honestly cant look at him the same. Ive told him that im so angry and upset that after listening for over 4 years and trying to understand that his attitude is to attack me when Im honest with him.

He has tried to make overtures to me, thanking me for being there but Im just done. His attitude to me has shone a light and I feel like he has been using me for help and to offload.

I feel so guilty though. AIBU to just end the friendship. Ive rarely gone to him with any problem Im having as his life appeared so stressful and now Im just done.

Sorry? lol i booked msyelf a treatment as Im stressed as my friend of 20 years has behaved badly! So if your mum or dad or someone you considered family behaved that way towards you and then wouldnt accept when you wanted to distance yourself that you wouldnt find that stressful? I wonder reading some of these responese exactly what sort of friendships some posters have. Our friendship group is like family, always has been and we have all been there and helped each other out. Do you only view relationships as intense if romantic? what happens when, what ahppend in our friendship group someone has cancer, do you all just do the bare minimum and keep your distance? or does that warrant a more intense approach. ~HIs reponse is intense as Ive removed myself from the situation ad he is feeling the difference. He also knows he was entirely wrong as why then try to minimise what happned, knowing how close we all are and how the lie wouldnt stick!.

yes he did bring alot to the friendship - as do we all. he was there when my dh had cancer - helped out in so many ways and listened when I cried and worried myself sick - as well as loads of practicaly help. So I suppose he was the therapist at that time and babysitter etc etc etc. My other friends rallied around and also provided "therapy" and meals and school pick ups and drop offs, and mowed the lawn and did the grocery shopping and generally behaved like a little family as we all have done since the start of our friendships with each other.

It is good to hear your friendship is reciprocated. It could still be he didn't like hearing the truth but it needed to be said. He needs to apologise to you and and deal with the truth

Sounds like you have generally healthy friendship group... shit happens unfortunately, I hope friend-J sorts his life out and apologises to you

There you go again. You seem unable to reflect on your own behaviour. And why this barrage of aggression against posters who have suggested your own behaviour may have contributed to this dynamic or that you might benefit from thinking about what was in it for you, rather than pointing the finger solely at your former friend?

I have reflcted and do you know what - I would have been the same with any friend.

Also, what behaviour did I display that warranted him being aggressive with me? Should I reflect on what I did to cause that? - really did you read what you posted? Why should I be responsible for his behaviour. Seriously you need to reflect on yourself as a person as you are blaming me for being a friend and when he becauses like an aggressive idiot you are asking me to reflecton what my role was in it. I sincerely hope no person in your life ever needs you as you sound awful

we have all been lucky in lots of ways to have found this dynamic. our friendships have grown even as our lives have changed. We all live quite close to each other also so our children are friends (so far anyway!) - its lovely. TBH an apology from him, currently anyway, isnt welcome. I need space away from him. His aggression was next level and unnecessary.

it has always been healthy - we dont always see eye to eye but we are able to voice an opinion - well we were up to this point. We support one another, can call each other out on bullshit and we always show up for each other. Its strange to be at odds with J but I cant deal with him currently. He crossed a line with me and there is a consequence to that.

Sounds like J needs to have more time talking to L!! 😂 Step back and let her step in!! 😳

Absolutely! You’re doing the right thing by holding that boundary with J. People do change over time and we don’t always see it because we’ve known them for so long. J has his issues, but there is a line to what we tolerate. You have probably tolerated more because you’re a kind and supportive person, however, you are, and have been able to, push back and put your boundaries in place when needed - good on you!

His car crash of a life is his responsibility. In ways, he sounds well suited to the affair lady from his own behaviour, both toxic and abusive. You just don’t need a ring side seat to the carnage.

Really pleased L was in the group too - she called out his bullshit behaviour!

Enjoy your peaceful, nurturing weekend!

L definitely is not a Shrinking violet when it comes to giving her opinion! - she’s a really good person but hasn’t much patience in certain areas and has a zero tolerance for lies. J tried to spin her a tale - why I don’t know as he knows her very well and should know that won’t fly with her - as was proven . His funeral

Thanks for responding - you are so right. I think he is upset as he realises that he went too far with his behaviour- we all choose how to live - he has chosen chaos and hurting a friend - that’s not my scene whatsoever so I’ve left him to it. I took some time of work and had a massage today- it was lovely!!