Friends response to honesty

[summerily25]

My friend has been dating someone for a few years who I feel is not single. When they originally met this person said they were recently separated etc etc however years later this person is still in regular touch with ex-husband, attending functions together, short trips, school events etc. My friend has yet to have this lady spend a night with him, introduce him to any of her family or friends or basically act like they are in a relationship in the open. I have said before that I didnt think she was completely single but to no avail. I also believe that she has had other "mini" affairs whilst with my friend.

This lady has gone back and forward to her dh for many years, wherein the dh will be aware that she has met someone else, that relationship comes to an end and off she pops back to her dh.

My friend has left and gone back a few times but most recently decided to leave the relationship for good. I was very direct this time about my feelings. I told him that she was basically having an affair - she has had previous affairs and although she was telling my friend she was separated etc I could see no difference between her previous affairs and what my friend had with her. My friend has become very angry with me - in fact vented quite strongly and accused me of being too invested etc. I honestly cant look at him the same. Ive told him that im so angry and upset that after listening for over 4 years and trying to understand that his attitude is to attack me when Im honest with him.

He has tried to make overtures to me, thanking me for being there but Im just done. His attitude to me has shone a light and I feel like he has been using me for help and to offload.

I feel so guilty though. AIBU to just end the friendship. Ive rarely gone to him with any problem Im having as his life appeared so stressful and now Im just done.

I think it reasonable to express concern to a friend if they have confided in you that after 4 yrs they have never spent the night together or met any family or friends that is a red flag. Your friend knows and doesnt want to listen,hence the hosility.
You cant control what your friend does .
You could explain your frustration to your friend and say perhaps not discussing his relationship is the best option.
You could end the friendship or move to friendship on a more superficial footing.
Its up to you.

Sounds like he owes her fuck all, except for a very clear 'stay away from me!!

sometimes you just can't save people from their friend & have to disengage from
them. Maybe if he gets back with her again just be blunt with him & tell him you are fine watching him create this train wreck in his life & because you care about him you need to have some distance for a bit.... (which can turn into another 'bit' or forever. Depending hiw you feel!)

have you ever been together? Just wondering if he maybe thinks you're in some way jealous of her or want him to be with you or single?

I couldnt agree more about what he owes her but its really just an excuse for him to let her sweet talk him around again. She is so blatant in her disrespect of him that its quite shocking. I honestly dont have anymore to give him. I was chatting to my DH about it and he has said that J is just wanting an emotional punchbag, that the aggression towards me is the last straw, honestly if you had seen him the bistro, a staff member came over as I was getting up to leave - J was leaning across the table at this stage - to ask if everything was ok and asked J to keep his voice down etc. As I was walking out the door he actually stood up to continue shouting. He has started to call me this afternoon - 4 missed calls so far - this is after me telling him I didnt want to chat.

I totally understand that he is in a bad place with this relationship but I cant help him and more to the point he doesnt want me to help him. He wants me to collude in the farce that he has created in his mind. L has said she will talk to him as she knows somethign has gone amiss between him and I. ~I rarely have cross words with anyone, im seen as placid and measured but Im not a doormat and I fear he has truly burned his bridges with me. As for him thinking I have designs on him, he has no reason to think that whatsoever as even as young 20 somethings when both single I never had an attraction to him that way, nor he I.

Gd only knows what he is thinking mind you as he clearly isnt rationale at the minute. Meantime his ladyfriend has apparnetly been spotted grocery shopping as a family at the weekend (information courtesy of L)!.

Thanks for responding. I was voicing concerns long before that - the fact that she didnt seem to want to do anything out in the open with him, no meals unless they were quite a distance away from where we live, always talk of the "crazy" ex who had to be kept happy because of the (teenage) children. She would only correspond with my friend via whatsapp as that cannot be traced via a mobile phone billl (her husband of course still had access to her phone bill etc etc) the list goes on. He would leave and she would make a grand gesture of going for an appointment with a divorce solicitor but strangely nothing would come of it. Or a declaration of wanting to spend a weekend with my friend but that weekend would never materialise due to work pressures etc. Just non stop shit!.

Its hard to have respect for someone who not only allows themselves to be treated like that but is actively nasty when you are trying to help. I honestly feel like the friendship is done for me but I am saying very little now as I know I am quite upset and not in a good place for making decisions. What I do know is that it will be a long time before I am in contact with him if ever.

I couldn't leave without saying ' you just don't like the fact that what I'm saying is true'. Then back away. Maybe not burn the entire bridge but step back.

Well done to you for being honest, that is the sign of a true friend.

It also sounds like he needs therapy.

If I respond to him at all - even to tell him that he’s only upset because it’s true- it will give him an opening to open the conversation back up. He is calling me non stop so I’ve blocked him - for now at least- as I just don’t have the headspace for him.

I agree that he needs therapy and I’ve encouraged home to do just that - I actually offered him money to help pay for some sessions which he refused. I can’t do anymore and I’m content with that. I behaved like a friend he didn’t want to accept that. He made his choice to treat me as he did and the consequence is that I’m not around for him now. It’s sad but not my fault and I can walk away now or permanently with the knowledge that I tried my best.

Jesus he's unhinged!!

yep, time to let this twat go & crack on with making a fool of himself & breaking his own heart!

would you consider blocking him?

bet DH is gagging to deal with him!

Just read your update!! You've blocked him. Well done!!

do you think he might heat turn up at yours?

I don’t think he would turn up at mine as DH would physically eject him - which he knows. I do feel
sorry for him but he won’t help himself and he has pissed me off completely. I hope for his sake he finally leaves that toxic relationship in the past but I doubt it.

im actually relived if im honest - i kept trying for such a long time to find ways of helping him - its good to be able to walk away and not feel bad.

Hopefully he has more sense then! But im
right behind your DH removing him!

he has behaved horribly & I hope you can walk away & not feel even remotely bad about that. He's brought it on himself entirely!!.

I woke up this mornign and felt guilty as he had sent me 2 emails overnight. I think he might have been a bit pissed tbh as they were rambling. Id responded just after 8am to say that I dont want to hear from him in the near future and perhaps forever as Im just so done being the person he off-loads to and then gets punished for trying to help. I asked him in the email to do me the courtesy of respecting my boundaries and not contacting me again - that if I wanted to be in touch with him that I would initiate contact. When he hadnt responded by 11am I had a glimmer of hope that he had finally respected a boundary. That was until just after 11.30 when I got an epic sized email from him about how sorry he was but that he was struggling etc etc and that he is meeting the lady again today to tell her its over finally etc etc. I totally ignored it.

L met me for lunch today and said that J had called to her home uninvited and told her what happened when we met. He downplayed it by saying I had massively overreacted when he told me it was none of my business etc etc that I had been ranting about it etc. L apparently told him she doubted it but why not call me there and then and ask? He was of course reluctant so she basically told him to fk off and stop minimising his behaviour and also not to talk to her again about anythign to do wiht "that married loser you are dating". When she told me this I felt ok then to give her the run down of what actually happened - to say she was shocked was an understatement. I dont think J will darken her door for a bit as she let me know that she called him after our lunch and told him exactly what she thought of him. he will end up with no friends soon if he keeps on behaving this way. his choice and his loss at the end of the day.

OMG

He is really monumentally fucking up his own life

I expect you'll get further me me me emails from him, but at least you can just open them when you're ready (or ignore them - but I couldn't! Not from guilt, just curiosity) & not reply, until he eventually stops.

you sound determined & strong enough not to cave into any guilt trip he sends your way. He may eventually threaten to unlive himself, keep ignoring. It's just trying to guilt you.

im glad you were able to tell L what actually happened and L has told him to fuck off too!!

I know it's hard, but you're doing the right thing (actually for him as well as yourself) xx

Im kinda on your friends side.

Like he asked, you expressed your concerns, he didnt listen.

End of.

Dont keep repeating your opinion.

YANBU for giving honesty ONCE. But hes heard it, he disagrees let him crack on

I didn’t repeat myself. I’ve listened for years and tried to be there. More so than any other person. I don’t regret trying to be a good friend but I do regret doing it for so long. He didn’t appreciate it. He is on his own now as far as I’m concerned so he can indeed crack on.

Thanks for your response. Yes he is fucking his life up wholesale - I can do no more. L has told our other friends what the state of play is.someone is checking in on him as he dies appear to be distressed. I’ve booked some nice treatments for myself with some vouchers I got for Christmas and plan to chill out as much as possible this weekend.

Using your vouchers & chilling out sounds like a perfect plan for the weekend !

(With other people checking in on him you can put any worry about him in properly in the bin)

Enjoy your weekend! X

This is a very intense friendship to have arisen just from being the ‘shoulder to cry on’ for the group.

I wouldn’t be listening to anymore gossip about him or his ex-partner. It’s not relevant to you or your life. This is a purely platonic friendship that has run its course. He doesn’t need to be a topic of conversation for you again.

Does he bring anything to your friendship or just use you as a free of charge therapist? He probably became angry because he realised you were telling the truth about her

From the way you describe yourself and how you would like to be seen within your group dynamic, it sounds as though you lean towards having a bit of a saviour complex. You could easily have put in much stronger boundaries earlier on, rather than self-identifying as the only person that could help him through his relationship troubles.

You gave more of yourself than you could to afford to and then got very angry when you felt he wasn't properly acknowledging that.

That's on you, I'm afraid. We've all been there, and we eventually have to learn not to invest so deeply in an unhealthy and codependent dynamic. Psychologists tell us we make the choices we make because we are getting something out of them.

It may be worth asking yourself what you got out of expending so much time and energy on all this drama over the past few years, then figure out how to deal with this kind of relationship going forward. Whether you acknowledge it or not, you were meeting your own needs as well as his. You need to find a way to meet them in the future that is less destructive for everyone concerned.

It sounds like a very emotionally intense friendship. The fact you have blocked him and have booked yourself some treatments, sounds more like a break up with a romantic partner rather than a friend. His response is similarly intense.

But whether you thought he used you or not at the time, he did, for years, and you let him, which I think is partly why you’re so angry now — you’re also angry with yourself. You saw yourself as ‘helping’, but in fact you were just someone to unload on. You may have even enabled his behaviour.

Ask yourself what was in it for you. There’s always some benefit to any course of action, however apparently self-defeating.

And honestly, I agree with a pp that this whole scenario sounds drama-queeny. Not just you and the friend in the relationship, but ‘L’ and the lunch and all that reported ‘phone her and ask her if she was ranting’ and ‘fuck off’ stuff. I mean, don’t you all have jobs? And lives that don’t centre around whether or not someone is dating someone married?

Good post, @WaryHiker — absolutely to there being psychological benefit to any course of action, however apparently selfless. And yes, I’ve definitely been there, too, but I try to be honest with myself about the time I let a friend use me as an outlet for his relationship messes. I was lonely at the time, having recently moved country, and it made me feel necessary and seen. And I acknowledge that this is on me.

honestly, I read that and thought I might not answer as to be honest Ive had enough of twattish behaviour this week!. I dont feel helping a friend is allowing myself to be used, he is struggling in this relationship. We have all known each other for over 20 years. What was in it for me was keeping up my end of a relationship for a friend that was struggling. As for drama-queeny - seriously?! L has always been very outspoken and not one for keeping anything quiet. Our friendship group is long established. Yes we all have jobs, professional ones at that. Just because peole dont behave like you (by the way do you have friends? if not maybe query why?) doesnt mean they are wrong. you sound like an absolute dick tbh!

to be direct, my issue is not because I dont want to help him. My issue is he became aggressive because I told him something more directly than I had previously done as he was again starting a new year distressed over the relationship he was in. Its not a case of having a saviour complex, its a case of being a good listener. When did i say I was the only person able to help him? what I go out of it was being a good friend to my friend who was struggling and upset and clearly being used by this person. I honestly cannot believe Im having to defend myself on this forum for being kind and a friend to someone who has been in my life for over 20 years. Its only since he has gotten into this situation that things have gone badly.