To take DD out of year 13 because of her abusive exBF and friends who’ve taken his side

[GiggleAtAFuneral]

My DD (18) split up with her first boyfriend of 1 year at the beginning of December.
It was a fine relationship at first but ended up turning very intense. DH and I helped her find the bravery to end things. Her BF was very jealous, would sulk if she went out with friends or wore certain outfits. We could actually see her changing in the way she carried herself. He then started to self harm in front of her. It really scared her. She stayed for about 3 months more than she wanted to as she was scared he’d commit suicide if she left (as he’d tell her he would). We had some very gentle conversations about how at her age relationships should be fun, not stressful, and she eventually took the brave step of dumping him.

He took the split really badly. They’re in sixth form together and it’s very awkward as a few shared friends have taken his side. It seems that MH issues/self harm trump every other situation and her friends think that a good girlfriend should be supportive rather than cut and run. He’s really milked his grief - his mum called DD from A&E on Boxing Day saying the exBF had taken on overdose. Of 8 paracetamol. He’s left her several 1 hour voice notes sobbing and begging to have her back.

DD has felt extremely guilty over all of this, which has been made worse by her friends. she pandered to her ex over Christmas - we have told her how manipulative he’s being but as anyone with a teen knows, you have to tread carefully and not ram messages down their throat to the point they feel pushed away. However by New Year she’d blocked him on everything. But he still managed to message her from others numbers, devices and to her email (which she doesn’t wanna give up as it’s linked to so much)

I’ve said we should go to the police, she won’t. I also wanted to involve the school, but she’s begged me not to as she thinks it will go away itself in time, and again I didn’t want to push her away by going against her wishes (until today).

It ramped up 2 weeks ago as he found out she started seeing someone new. He’s sent her big long messages which she won’t read (and short ones saying he’s going to commit suicide). He’s messaged her new BF with lies about her. She told her exBF to leave her alone for the first time. She’s tried speaking to his mum about it but has just got abuse back about how “he will never get over this”. Last night, he sent her a message with a picture of his self harm injuries.

DD had enough and replied saying “What do you want me to do with that, print it out and frame it?”
Not her finest hour I know. But she has had this manipulation for nearly 2 months and she just blew. I didn’t know this until I’ve just picked her up from school. She called me crying to collect her, as he’s screenshotted her message and shown all their friends. Her best friend has fallen out with her, because she also self harms and thinks DD is being really insensitive and says “If you treat self harms victims like that we can’t be friends”.

I dont like a lot of her mates and even less so since she split with exBF as some of their friends have given her a hard time because she broke up with him over text (which is what me and DH advised her to do).

I’ve asked the head of sixth form to call me, I’ve had enough now and need to protect my DD. This manipulative boy could ruin her A-Levels. She doesn’t ever want to go back to school because of him and how he’s turned their friends against her.

I really don’t think DD is the bad guy here at all. I think she has been pushed by an abusive boy to her limits, and I’m really sad to see how little her so-called friends understand coercive control. Her exBF is very popular and charming I think people think he can do no wrong.

I know this may sound like a knee jerk reaction but WIBU to send her to another sixth form half way through Upper 6th? I don’t see how she can have a steady time at school at such a crucial run up to A-Levels with so much animosity and an abusive ex lingering in all her lessons.

She goes to an amazing school I would be sad to take her out but even if he’s suspended (which I doubt he will be) she has to live with the bizarre stigma of dumping a popular boy.

She is convinced she wants to finish her learning and revision from home but I think it’s better she has a fresh start in a new school with support from teachers

I think your daughter was quite right in sending that text. She has no need to be sensitive to someone who is intent on ruining her life.

You amd your husband are also supporting her very well, and I can't imagine children get to 18 and suddenly stop needing support and guidance.

I hope someone has a strong wors with the boy's mother, who is facilitating hos abuse of your daughter. What a complete tool she is.

I hope you have a good outcome with school tomorrow 💐.

I definitely wouldn't leave school at this stage, would be too disruptive at this stage before exams and why should she suffer, but would definitely involve the school, this behaviour can't be allowed to continue.

I’m in the USA.
One thing that stood out to me in your OP was that this boy’s mother phoned your daughter from A&E because he had ingested 8 Paracetamol.
What a joke.
That wouldn’t even warrant you a trip to the loo.
That wouldn’t even warrant you a trip back to bed.
That wouldn’t EVEN warrant you a lie down on the sofa.
While I wouldn’t recommend taking 8 Paracetamol every day, once isn’t going to kill you or even make you ill.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present you to Sarah Heartburn. (horns blow, drums beat)

This is shocking. I would get the police involved if he is threatening self harm. He needs a mental health assessment which might wake a few people up. What a dickhead.

I don’t think the police will take this seriously unfortunately. I have a friend who was stalked. I’d keep her home and pay for tuition. Not long now until exams. She also needs to make new friends who don’t make their mental health their personality.

I understand her reluctance to go to police. An alternative would be to go to a solicitor and get them to send a cease and desist letter to the family. I would call a few firms and find one who really understands domestic abuse and coercive control. They will absolutely believe her, and they won't pull any punches.

Edit to add: if you haven't already, please read/ listen to Jane Monckton Smith "In Control". It's really important to understand how dangerous this type of man is.

Hope it goes well tomorrow @GiggleAtAFuneral , it seems to me that you are doing a cracking job and getting the screenshots etc all together is a good move .

Good luck. FWIW i think you’re doing brilliantly supporting your DD and please ignore all the mental comments here 😅

My daughter split with her first boyfriend when she was 18. We hadn't been aware, but he was controlling. When she finished it he got really angry and, well, it's a long story but she went to the police and they brought him in numerous times for a chat, telling him to leave her alone, which he completely ignored, and in the end he was charged with stalking her and it went to court. He was found not guilty to everyone's astonishment but given a 2 year restraining order, which he obeyed. At the end of the 2 years on the very day it ran out, he sent a mutual friend to our house - she wasn't in and I made it very clear she wasn't interested. He tried once more but then let it ho.

Anyway, what I would say is:

Don't underestimate how far the system will go to protect "nice" boys with their whole future ahead of them. The police kept telling him they would arrest him if there was another incident - then there would be another incident and they would just pull him in for another chat. It was only when he significantly upped his behaviour that they acted. There was so much evidence but the magistrates clearly couldn't bear to give him a criminal record. They said "if you had done even one more thing", but he had done loads and loads of stuff. One more was kind of irrelevant.

All friends took his side. My daughter had to find new friends. He was charismatic and no one believed her. It turns out that these guys are often lovely to everyone - apart from their intimate relationships.

Document everything. Take pictures, videos if necessary.

Up your home security. Get ring door bell camera set to record as a minimum. You can also get them for inside the house pointing at the garden.

Get her the hollieguard phone app.

If you can bear to, watch the Alice Ruggles documentary. She was killed by her ex so it is not easy viewing, but it was really helpful to us.

Hope it all disappears for her soon.

@GiggleAtAFuneral Actually, although very uncommon it IS possible to cause serious permanent Liver damage with as few as 6 Paracetamol at one time, depending on other factors.

It was the right call for the boy's mother to take him to A&E to check it out. But that's the only thing she did right.

He is a pathetic screwball..
His mental health does not trump your daughters right to her own mental health

Next time her so called best friend says that, tell your daughter to reply and my mental health doesn't matter then?

I am supposed to stay with him, be raped by him for the rest of my life ( non consensual as she wont want to have sex with him), allow him manipulate me, get his family and friends involved to control me, threaten suicide when I step out of line? Ask her to ask her "best friend" is that what she wants for her? Cos your daughter wont be pals with someone who thinks so little of her

You and your family sound really strong OP - something like this would be my nightmare scenario and you are showing that by working with and supporting your child the right way you can get even someone as vulnerable as 17-18 year old girl out of the hands of a dangerous abuser. I actually believe as upsetting as this all is that she will be stronger and healthier long term for working out her boundaries - its just a horrible process.

Also - I love the phrase "teensplaining". Saving that one for many years from now when my babies turn into teens.

There are fantastic online tutors out there-for example Minerva, or Exceptional Academics. I'd look into the possibility of working with them incase going into 6th form just becomes too unbearable. The only down side would be her lack of contact with friends....does she have friends outside of school? Or could she join a sports activity or something/get a low key part time job so she's not bored? Sometimes extracting from a toxic situation is the right call

I heard exactly the same sort of thing and the college apparently sorted out counselling, but the point you're saying about friends taking sides stood out to me. The genders were reversed, but the girl who was saying her boyf was affecting her mental health was supported by the friends, even though, to me, it sounds like he was in a similar situation to your daughter, as in hadn't done anything wrong.
I hope things turn out ok for all of you, not much I can say but sympathise and advice asking about any counselling.

Interesting, I had a similar sort of situation when I was a teenager (I was 15) and while I am not saying this was the sole cause - it was the beginning of some pretty severe OCD which I am only now in my late 30s able to control.

Is it possible for you to seek some mental health support for your daughter proactively?

Gosh @GiggleAtAFuneral, what an awful situation for your poor daughter to be in. Your daughter was so strong to break things off, I wasted two years of my life as a teenager staying with someone in a very similar scenario, so 19yo me admires your daughter!

This might be a bit of a stretch, but it sounds like she's quite mature if she can make a sensible decision like that - is she self-motivated to do her school work? If so, maybe she is capable of home schooling herself / revising on her own then just going into school to take the exams? The school might be able to arrange it so she won't be confronted by the ex or the so called friends, by letting into the exam hall last and letting her leave first with a couple of minutes headstart?

Appreciate the ex must have MH issues if he's actually self harming and it's not just an empty threat, so at risk of sounding unkind... one day I'm sure he'll be incredibly embarrassed by his actions. There's nothing less attractive than desperation! I don't understand why people say they'll kill themselves if their partner leaves them... Why would you want someone to be with you out of pity/obligation?!

what a helpful comment

I’m not at all surprised he is planning to go to the same uni as your DD. As other people have said, from now on she needs to be guarded about her future plans with any friends. When she is ready to think about it, I’d suggest she chooses a different uni at least 200 miles away from the first one, even if it means going through clearing or deferring for a year.

Good advice.

The Friends rallying around the ex smacks of a toxic virtue signalling dynamic, your daughter has a good argument for having strained mental health due to his behaviour during and after their relationship, but because she doesn't try to control the narrative by self harming, talking constantly about it and threatening suicide she is being thrown to the wayside.

You definitely need to speak to the school AND the police, the only peace she will get is when he and her friends leave her absolutely alone so she can quietly finish out her qualifications and she'll be in a new setting come September anyway. But it's time to stand up for her and her stand up for herself, it's understandable she's worried about throwing fuel on the fire but it's too late for that because this guy is being coercive, controlling, blackmailing her and now is the time to scare and educate him with repercussions while he's young enough to hopefully take heed and not behave like this with a future unsuspecting woman.

Has she asked her friends, what do you call it when someone sleeps with someone when they don't want to if the man has threatened suicide to get you to do it? Begins with an r.

Agree he is harassing and abusing her.
You should definitely speak to the school. I think even if you did it discreetly without her knowing it would be a good idea because this boys behaviour is beyond bullying actually and absolutely not acceptable. Assuming he is 18, he is an adult man and this is stalker territory. You are right to consider the police.
best of luck to your daughter. I don’t think you should take her out of y13 but help her navigate this insane behaviour - as you are doing. Xo

I've just seen this thread, I've only read OP's posts. It's far too late to start somewhere else, they're unlikely to be doing the exact same courses. Depending on what is said tomorrow, she might be better off staying away until half-term to let the dust settle. I'd also try and discuss the university situation tomorrow as well - I assume she's already applied?

Is she bright and able to do well through home schooling. She is being abused and manipulated. I would protect her any way you can to get her through her exams. Her exam.results will be with her for ever whereas these friends and ex BF wont. Her exams are the important thing here.

If she doesn't want the police option could you go down the route of engaging with a local DV charity first?

Yes she’s 18 and yes she’s an adult but let’s be honest and think back to what we were all like at 18. Becoming an adult is a process and sometimes you need your mum to hold your hand. Good luck OP!