Urgent advice needed - caught 14yo daughter on Snapchat, mum isn’t around to help

[User1978x]

Hi all,
I’m a dad looking for some calm, sensible advice. My daughter’s mum isn’t here at the moment (going through a bereavement and I don’t want to drop this on her for another couple of days), so I’m flying solo and feeling a bit out of my depth.

Last night I found my 14-year-old daughter on Snapchat, messaging a boy and sharing pictures. I didn’t read the whole chat – didn’t feel right – but I got enough to know it wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t want to make her feel ashamed, but I was shocked and worried. I took her phone off her and uninstalled Snapchat. Since then, I haven’t really spoken to her – just needed time to think.

Now I’m stuck on what to do next:

1. How do I start the conversation without her clamming up or feeling attacked?
2. Should I give her phone back? I’m thinking maybe yes, but with clear rules and monitoring? Or keep it a few more days?
3. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

Any advice from parents who’ve been through similar would be really appreciated. I want to handle this in a way that keeps her safe but doesn’t wreck our trust.

Thanks in advance.

I didn’t read the whole chat—just a few messages were enough to see it wasn’t a normal conversation. Honestly, there wasn’t much point reading more.

Anyway, to keep it short: we usually take her phone in the evening. This time, she’d been in the toilet for ages. When she came out, her sister asked, ‘What were you doing for an hour?’ That’s when we checked her last used app and saw what was going on

I just searched "online safety for teens" on podcasts and there are tonnes of listings. I'd suggest doing same to see what fits fir you.

Talk to your daughter. Find out how she feels about whoever she’s messaging. Explain about photos and how they can be shared. Help her understand… she needs your support. If she really likes this person there’s other ways to maintain a friendship or relationship. Keep the door open between you and your daughter. You need to find out how she feels and help her through this, you’re a team … otherwise this is the beginning of the divide. Humour helps a lot, being angry and judgmental will not.
imagine if this was you aged 14. Street cred and hormones too!

Why is this your advice - do you not think dads can deal with parenting issues?

Absurd . The OP has given perfectly sensible reason why mum is being left alone for now.

I want to second the advice that Jossse suggested.

Personally au would give her the phone back (unless you have any concerns about immediate risk) but use it as a way to have a discussion with her about safety, not feeling pressured etc. You need to be extremely patient and calm. Listen to what she says and acknowledge how she’s feeling. There will be stuff online you can read to advise about this.

Important for her to know that sharing images of her body at that age actually counts in the eyes of the law as distributing child pornography, so it is serious. Honestly I’d sit her down and be calm and honest, say you got a bit of a shock and don’t want to make her feel embarrassed but as her dad you are responsible for looking out for her and these are the reasons why you don’t think it was appropriate. Check she is ok, that she is not being in some way groomed or exploited.

This, start with this! Click and read it all, twice!

Install a parent app for now
We use family link its an app you can use to block other apps, restrict time and it shows you what apps they've been on for how long
This way you can let her have her phone back if you feel she needs it and still try to keep her safe

You will need to sit her down for a talk at some point soon as she may try to find ways around restarting a chat using a different messaging service

I would try and wait for the house to be empty or have a chat in the car while driving to school

Message her mum and agreed how you will move forwards. You want to be united in this.

I think she’s unlikely to take the conversation well regardless tbh. There’s a small chance she’s very very sensible and already regrets sending what she’s sent but she’s far more likely to be angry that you’ve ended her fun and embarrassed that you know what she was doing. I think you need to let know of the idea that this will be an easy conversation. It’s won’t be.

What controls do you already have on her phone?

Snap chat is actually not the worse because atleast photos disappear and it tells you if someone screenshots. You need to make sure she does not replace this with an app where photos do not disappear which tbh is really quite hard. You can send photos on sms.

I would give the phone back but very very locked down. I would probably go as far as locking down the camera temporarily if I could. An alternative would be giving the phone back with very heavy monitoring from a parent, but that would probably just make her better at hiding things.

I also think at this age talking about online safety does need to be a bit scary, if she’s old enough to be doing this she’s old enough to understand the consequences. The legal ramifications of underage porn on peoples phone, the bullying that can come from photos being spread, the loss of control over an image from the moment it is sent. The concept of online safety shouldn’t be new to her assuming she goes to a main stream school.

You sound very caring OP, she made a mistake, being a teenager is hard, especially when you can combine hormones with technology, I would probably frame it like that with her. She slipped up, we all slip up sometimes, as the parent you have a responsibility to help to keep her safe and you’re going to help her with the technology.

Totally agree with this.

But also I wouldn’t shy away from sharing the scary side of how these things can go wrong- it might be scary but it IS reality and it can happen, it’s important she knows about the potential outcomes so that she can make an informed decision about what she chooses to do.

There is only so much anyone can do as a parent to guide children as they grow up, there comes a point where they will do whatever they want anyway and all you can do is provide all of the information to make an informed choice about the risks etc.

At 14 she needs monitoring online and you need to explain the dangers of sending pictures and people not being truthful online. Have you had those talks? You need to be certain she didn’t and hasn’t been sending pictures of herself; you also need to know who she was messaging because if it has escalated more than you know and the other person is an adult, given her age, you may want to speak to the police - worst case scenario - so I think you need all the information.

You need to find a way of monuher phone more and ensuring she is safe online.
I think tell her mum regardless of the bereavement as I’m sure she’d want to know and at this stage - based on what you’ve said - it’s not super serious in that it’s indecent / adult on the other end of the phone. Her mum might know some information already tbh and you’d be better approaching it together.
best of luck @User1978x

I'd just be pretty up front with her. So sit her down and tell her that this may feel awkward. But she has to understand that there's a lot of bad people and bad stuff that happens. And that these are the rules for using Snapchat (assume you have rules? If not get some in place ASAP).
I found it best to have a set of clear rules so then there's no judgement involved as the rules are up front. So no naked photos, no underwear photos. No messaging someone you do not personally know etc

Is this a boy she knows or a stranger? Both have risks but different ones.

Were the images explicit?

Her mum needs to know as well and you should discuss your approach together. I’d feel ok keeping the phone for now, pending that discussion. It’s a shame you deleted everything as you now have no way to know for sure what’s gone on.

Most teens communicate via Snapchat these days, the issue is her sending images of herself. You can have a conversation about that with her, just like I have with my son. Talk to her about the dangers of how photos can be used and remind her that boys shouldn’t be asking for pictures. Giving her the phone back can start the conversation.

There was a post on another thread recently that listed the worst (top) social media platforms for paedophiles targeting and grooming children and adolescents. Snapchat was at the top with Roblox. Dies she even know the person/people she is sending images to in real life?

ETA link: www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cze3p1j710ko

We have parental controls set up on our dc’s phones,they have to get permission off us to install anything,also their phones shut off automatically at 9pm.

If it’s an iPhone it’s very easy to set up parental controls. In the meantime, as others have said, you need to talk to her. Explain that it’s about protecting her, not getting her in trouble. Ask questions. Let her talk. Then come up with a plan together. Once you’re sure she’s safe and you have a good picture of what’s going on, then decide whether to give her phone back. But don’t feel pressured to. She’s proved she’s not using it responsibly.

Please don’t do this.

You need to find out whether it's someone she knows or a random who could be way older than her.
Share the dangers of being prosecuted for distribution of child pornography ! And for her opening herself up to revenge porn or sextortion .
Huge effect on her mental and physical health.
Say you need to safeguard her so will install parent apps and every night you will take her phone or reserve the right to go through it any time you guys feel. You can ask her what else she thinks is appropriate and come up with a plan together to be responsible.
Ask her how's she's feeling and self esteem etc

Plan some dad daughter days in going for meals or trying hobby classes together to build herself up.