Urgent advice needed - caught 14yo daughter on Snapchat, mum isn’t around to help

[User1978x]

Hi all,
I’m a dad looking for some calm, sensible advice. My daughter’s mum isn’t here at the moment (going through a bereavement and I don’t want to drop this on her for another couple of days), so I’m flying solo and feeling a bit out of my depth.

Last night I found my 14-year-old daughter on Snapchat, messaging a boy and sharing pictures. I didn’t read the whole chat – didn’t feel right – but I got enough to know it wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t want to make her feel ashamed, but I was shocked and worried. I took her phone off her and uninstalled Snapchat. Since then, I haven’t really spoken to her – just needed time to think.

Now I’m stuck on what to do next:

1. How do I start the conversation without her clamming up or feeling attacked?
2. Should I give her phone back? I’m thinking maybe yes, but with clear rules and monitoring? Or keep it a few more days?
3. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

Any advice from parents who’ve been through similar would be really appreciated. I want to handle this in a way that keeps her safe but doesn’t wreck our trust.

Thanks in advance.

Agree.
Really hammer home that she isn’t just sharing photos with a boy, she is sharing them with the entire world. His mates, their brothers, her teachers, everyone. And that photos don’t disappear, they can be out there forever. Has nobody told her this before ? I’ve talked multiple times with my teenagers about the stupidity (and illegality) of pictures.
14 is really tricky. Old enough to feel like a young adult, but not actually being a young adult, in fact still a child with poor decision making, vulnerable to peer pressure and the desire to be liked.

I admit I am more of a hard liner when it comes to situations like this. I would have immediately confiscated her phone & grounded her along with no pocket money etc. This would also include a long serious chat about the dangers of sharing inappropriate photos online & how she could be exploited sexually & is this what she wants in the future.

I'm sorry to hear about mums bereavement but if it was me I'd put my daughters wellbeing first & involve her immediately. Situations like this can escalate & there's no benefit to be had by tiptoeing around.

I’m sorry, this stuff is among my worst fears. It’s a shame you deleted it without reading the chat. You lost the opportunity to understand what was going on to help you discuss it with her. I understand; normally we would give privacy to other people’s sexual encounters but she is 14 and immature, and needs education about what is ok. You also could have done with assessing whether the other person was who she thought them to be. This all need discussed head on and not skirted around, with sensitivity to her feelings but don’t let any awkwardness on yours or her part let you avoid facing the issue.

ffs 🙄

Talk with your child before she has the phone back.
My favourite space for potentially awkward and embarrassing conversations is in the car when whichever teen child I'm talking with is in the front seat next to me. You don't have to make eye contact and no one can escape! Haha! But seriously, it has been useful in the past. Especially if you're giving her a lift somewhere.

I get why you don't want to give more information but I think it's important to be clear about the legal side of what we share in messages, if there are photos being shared etc. It's illegal under 18 to make, distribute, possess, or show "indecent" photos, even selfies. There's more info and detail and advice on how to talk about this element on the childlawadvice.org.uk website if you search "sexting".

I know some of my son's teammates have experienced sextortion after sharing photos via messaging so his sports team have had some good conversations about it with the coaches involved to help support, advise and mentor. This is terrifying as a mum of teen boys and the last thing I'd want is for them to feel too embarrassed to say anything.

Talk about her digital footprint. I know snapchats or snaps or whatever disappear but can they still be screenshot? Or someone could photograph a screen with another device. How much does she trust this other person.

Be open and honest about not having the same tech when you were her age.

14 is young. My youngest is 14. But I've still had these conversations with my older son. It might be a different kind of inappropriate so sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick.

You're right to give your wife space with her grief and to take the lead on this conversation. Do talk with her about it but in a way that reassures her that you've got this, you'll take the lead on it. It sounds like you're looking for advice and signposting so you'll come to it with knowledge and understanding and from what you say I think you've got your daughter's best interests at heart. You're not being overly reactionary.

Good luck.

1. How do I start the conversation without her clamming up or feeling attacked?

Sometimes being in a car or on a walk helps... you don't need to look directly at each other.

1. Should I give her phone back? I’m thinking maybe yes, but with clear rules and monitoring? Or keep it a few more days?

No, children do not need mobile phones. She is clearly too young to deal with the dangers.

1. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

it is award and it is scary. lean into that.

Lol

Thankfully they care enough to keep tabs on what a 14 year old child is up to. If all parents took this attitude I dread to think what could happen regarding sharing explicit photos online. It beggars belief anyone would have this opinion. Their phones should be checked & checked again. At this impressionable age if the child accidentally leaves a diary open in their room, check that too.

What are you on about?

I was asking because if my child was in the bathroom for an hour my go to wouldn’t be to check their phone. It would be to check they were ok and not unwell etc etc. I wouldn’t say why were you in the bathroom for an hour let me check your phone. I certainly wouldn’t do it with their sibling present.

1. Make uninterrupted time, just the two of you. explain briefly why you responded as you did.
2. listen. Ask who was involved, what happened, how she feels about it. Find out age of boy. Find out how she knows him - in real life/online etc. get enough info to find out how much actual or potential risk there is in the situation.
3. acknowledge it may be uncomfortable for her to talk to her Dad about this, but that for her own safety and wellbeing, you are asking her to be as honest and complete as possible.
4. explain the next steps you will take - eg installing parental controls on phone, conversation with mum when she returns. Put in place a timeline for next steps if you feel something has to be investigated about the person she was snap chatting. Explain them is for her to be self-managing and safe online when she is an independent adult and that you want to help her get to that point.

Were they explicit pictures? If they were then straight to the police.

I am couple of year down the road on a very similar scenario and waiting for case to be brought to court.

I agree with the sensible comments on here. I just want to add that because of AI it is very easy to generate fake explicit photos. Should some of the photos leak to the school, I would deny having taken them and blame the perv for using AI. We've all done stupid things when we were young (at least speaking for myself I was just lucky it was in thr predigital age). I think as you talk to your daughter it is important not to shame her but acknowledge that fact. 14 year olds are vulnerable but if whoever it is tries to use it against her she needs to know she has your back

Well said! .. talk to her .. not down to her .. be a friend as well as a mother.

One of the best things my parents said to me (although it was about smoking then!) .. was if you want to do it fine, we won't stop you .. but before you make up your mind, this and this are the consequences.My brother got the same .. and neither of us did.

I think because we were given the choice and treated as adults. . We were made aware of the risks (again for smoking .. but pictures now are online forever or can be shared amongst mates / websites etc and can haunt later in life if surface when in an important job) .. give her phone back, sit down and talk as a friend treating their friend as an adult.

Explain you care and are there for her .. it's her choice (because if she wants to she will) you just want to make it safe for her and explain the risks .. good luck

My daughter was bullied at 12 to sending a picture of the lower region, to a girl in her class. I went to school, got no where. Went to the police because of where picture may end up. Her brothers are same age as my sons, approx 15 at time. Police interviewed her as both, a victim and a porn supplier.
My reaction may seem extreme, but I didn't want it too appear in years time and be black mailed over it.
My advice is talk it all through, explain the rights and wrongs. If need be go to the recipient and family.

I'm sure they are taught this at school not to be distributing images of themselves and the dangers, exploitation. You need to find out wether she voluntary done it or coherced into doing it. I know when my neice was doing similar posting images in her undies she was voluntary doing it for attention for likes and comments. Her mother was the opposite snd angry asking how did I manage to find her page. Which was from a parent of 13yr old boy who's mother was concerned about what my neice was posting My own daughters gad been blocked from viewing her page. I reported it as she was underage but she just made another. Her dad, my brother had passed away a few year ago

I sent you a private message.

You need to talk to her ASAP as the shame will be setting in and could affect her for life, especially since it's her dad who discovered it. Your silence is speaking volumes that you haven't intended. She's thinking you're disgusted with her and that she's an embarrassing mess. Talk to her!!!

1. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

@User1978x it needs to be scary. There was a thread only a week or so ago from a mother of a 14 yo boy who had been scammed - persuaded to upload inappropriate pictures of himself and was then being blackmailed. The first she knew about it was spotting money going out of his account.

Your daughter needs to know never to upload anything to the internet (even Snapchat) that she wouldn't want her grandma (or head teacher) to see.