Urgent advice needed - caught 14yo daughter on Snapchat, mum isn’t around to help

[User1978x]

Hi all,
I’m a dad looking for some calm, sensible advice. My daughter’s mum isn’t here at the moment (going through a bereavement and I don’t want to drop this on her for another couple of days), so I’m flying solo and feeling a bit out of my depth.

Last night I found my 14-year-old daughter on Snapchat, messaging a boy and sharing pictures. I didn’t read the whole chat – didn’t feel right – but I got enough to know it wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t want to make her feel ashamed, but I was shocked and worried. I took her phone off her and uninstalled Snapchat. Since then, I haven’t really spoken to her – just needed time to think.

Now I’m stuck on what to do next:

1. How do I start the conversation without her clamming up or feeling attacked?
2. Should I give her phone back? I’m thinking maybe yes, but with clear rules and monitoring? Or keep it a few more days?
3. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

Any advice from parents who’ve been through similar would be really appreciated. I want to handle this in a way that keeps her safe but doesn’t wreck our trust.

Thanks in advance.

Some great advice from many PPs, especially @Jossse and @HampsterCheese90

being a teenager is hard, especially when you can combine hormones with technology

I dread to think what I'd be like if I were a young teen now. Something about the hormones and the body changes made me WANT to be seen - I'm not sure I would have understood what was so bad about people seeing images of me, because my juvenile brain craved attention (which I naively assumed would be admiration) and I'm not sure I'd have been all that bothered about where it came from. There was a desperate desire just to be "seen."

Maybe this sort of impulse can be channelled more healthily into the performing arts or something!

Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely dad.

Family link! Most teens i know now have phones completely locked down with these - total restrictions on the amount of time it will do anything other than call/text, all sm apps blocked, parents have full access.

The world out there is too fucking peverted and young boys are exposed to awful stuff far too soon, which impacts upon how they treat girls.

No experience of daughters, but based on raising teen DS, I’d:

1. Ask if she’s been taught about online safety at school and what they said.
2. Yes
3. Ask why she thinks it’s not a good idea to share photos or sexy messages online. Always best to ask them, so they have to think about it and then you can say: ‘yeah, that’s right’ (a positive) rather than “teaching” (aka lecturing) them (negative, eyerolls). Obvs the answer here is it could be shared with her entire year at school or to creepy men online.

A 14yo, unless v childlike, is a young adult and should be expected to act as an adult and should be spoken to like an adult. Common mistake is to treat them like a child. So, when talking to her, channel the tone and approach of speaking to one of your friends. You’ll notice that’s what teachers, sports coaches do. Don’t talk down to them like a child.

Overall, don’t be too controlling with her phone. Use the Spidey approach: with great power comes great responsibility. Phones are v empowering so you have to use them responsibly.

Good luck!

Give her the phone back
tell her never to share or put online you wouldn’t want the world to see

ask her how would she feel if the conversations and pictures she engaged in were screenshot and shared with everyone . Because this is the danger of what could happen

kids are smart and smart phones are 10 a penny chances are she’d get hold of another one you’d know nothing about

ask her how comfortable she’d be with you and her mum reading everything she’d put . Because that’s the reality of the information being shared

look into some of the parental controls

Was just adding what @rwalker has said.

It’s a bit like work emails. Never put in an email anything you’d be embarrassed or in bother if your entire workplace saw it.

Never include in a message anything you’d be mortified if it was passed around the school, on a 10m billboard in another country or looked at by a paedophile. Because it might be. Same goes for sending catty messages about ‘friends’. How would you feel if the friend saw it. If the answer’s ‘terrible’, don’t send it.

Fgs oh look I’m a dad been left alone. Just deal with it.

Unnecessary comment

Totally unnecessary.

When speaking to our then 13 year old, we said to only send photos you’d be happy seeing on the wall in your classroom as you walked in - as this is what could happen to any photo!

Why continue a "friendship" with somebody who wants a minor to send them intimate photos?!

OP, remove the phone. There should be clear consequences. Explain calmly the dangers she's facing and as a pp mentioned that sending photos at this age her "friend" receives child pornography and he will get in trouble. Ask why she feels the need to be objectified. She's worth so much better.

Snapchat is a fucking nightmare. Apart from issues like this it is rife for bullying. Ex H is a teacher and in his opinion it’s the worst one there is. My kids do have it but the agreement is that as long as I’m paying the bills I can check their phones whenever I want.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this OP, but your daughter is very lucky that you are taking a considered & calm approach.
The NSPCC have some very useful advice and resources including how it might be possible to take down images.
This is a link for professionals but may be useful to you (& anyone else having to deal with this. It really is very common despite all the online safety advice young people are now given).
I hope your talk goes as well as it can OP

learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/report-remove

That's exactly what you should tell your DD OP.

What a simple but excellent way of putting it

I'm sure there are plenty of examples online of photos being shared and going viral. It doesn't need to even be malicious, one of his friends could access his phone on a sleepover, for a joke etc and then suddenly her picture or messages are all round the school.

That's the embarrassment side, there is also the legal side if she is 14 she is putting him in a bad position and putting herself in a bad position of having inappropriate pictures of a minor.

Lastly I'd have a chat with her about emotional manipulation. If she volunteered for this, why, does feel like she 'needs to' or did she want to? Any form of 'if you really liked me' 'my last gf / everyone else does this' 'I just like you so much I'll be so sad if I don't see any pics when we're apart' is coercion and not healthy or fair. And photos seem safe but can lead to an expectation.l that she will immediately do the same thing in real life which might feel like a lot of pressure

Disagree. If I was going through a serious and traumatic bereavement I would not need to know this if a suitable adult was dealing with appropriately for a few days.

OP. I'd talk to her, keep her phone, monitor it when she gets it back. Talk to the lads parents and get them to check everything was definitely deleted.

Maybe speak to school? They will have dealt with this before and have processes in place - i would hope.

Not dealt with this personally so you may get better advice.

There are so many unknowns though,

We don’t know if the DF and the DM are together or if they usually agree on technology or which parent is usually in control of the parental controls.

You cannot shy away from difficult conversations just because you’re her dad. If you were a single father it would all be on you.

If you don’t tackle all of this thoroughly she could well end up having the same conversation with a male police officer on the wrong side of a revenge porn situation.

It is quite possible that her pics will either end up around the school or on a porn site. Is there any guarantee that she is actually talking to is a boy she knows?

All 14 year old girls need to understand both online safety and personal safety because the risk of sex offences both online and real life are high at this age (12-25). I’m surprised the school haven’t tackled this.

That's what he's trying to do.

I would remove the phone for a week and tell her she doesn't get Snapchat back. Long enough so she understands consequences. I would inform school and ask them to have a chat ( how old is the boy-do you need to involve the police?), I would be having a chat with her about online safety and the fact she needs to look out for herself and make good choices. Don't minimise this or she'll think it's ok and be back at it by tomorrow.

I have a daughter the same age for context.

Snapchat is allowing all this. If you can get a phone that blocks all images and inappropriate chats, seems dramatic but it will keep your daughter safe

Please take a look at the NSPCC website for advice. Haven’t read the full thread but they have a helpline that is open now and someone can talk to you about this and guide you on how to handle it

no 14 year old should have snapchat for any reason at all.

No 14 year old should have any expectation of privacy on their mobile phones.

No 14 year old should be using their phone anywhere but in the family space.

Don't give her the opportunity to screw up

@User1978x - sit yourself down and watch this video will you? do it later when you have time to watch it all. You are in control. Save your daughter.

Thanks for all the messages. Just to clarify for people asking: my wife has lost someone very close to her and isn’t at home right now. That probably led to my oversight with the kids being on their own this week. She’s back tonight and dealing with her loss, so I’ll tell her maybe after a day or two, not straight away.
My other daughter is 17, and yes, she knows, we found out together last night. I really just needed some advice on how other parents have dealt with this. I’ll talk to her calmly. It was all just shock, surprise, and obviously being very angry too. But anyway, thanks a lot. I’ve gotten some good genuine advice and will be putting her first.