Urgent advice needed - caught 14yo daughter on Snapchat, mum isn’t around to help

[User1978x]

Hi all,
I’m a dad looking for some calm, sensible advice. My daughter’s mum isn’t here at the moment (going through a bereavement and I don’t want to drop this on her for another couple of days), so I’m flying solo and feeling a bit out of my depth.

Last night I found my 14-year-old daughter on Snapchat, messaging a boy and sharing pictures. I didn’t read the whole chat – didn’t feel right – but I got enough to know it wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t want to make her feel ashamed, but I was shocked and worried. I took her phone off her and uninstalled Snapchat. Since then, I haven’t really spoken to her – just needed time to think.

Now I’m stuck on what to do next:

1. How do I start the conversation without her clamming up or feeling attacked?
2. Should I give her phone back? I’m thinking maybe yes, but with clear rules and monitoring? Or keep it a few more days?
3. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

Any advice from parents who’ve been through similar would be really appreciated. I want to handle this in a way that keeps her safe but doesn’t wreck our trust.

Thanks in advance.

I would just be very honest and open with her that Snapchat is fine to use to talk to people she knows but it is used by scammers and predatory men.

These people will pretend to be young boys or girls and are very clever at gaining trust and then eventually will get them to send photos and once they’ve received the photos then they can edit them or use them against them.
Snapchat is meant to be ‘safe’ so if you send a photo it tells the other person if it’s been saved or screenshotted but these scammers and pedophiles are very clever and use special technology or second phones to get around it.

Whatever she does she must not send pictures because once they’re sent she can’t take it back.

I used to watch catfish with my DD to show just how clever these people were (and because I enjoyed it).

I would give her phone back on the basis that you’re giving her another chance and that you trust her enough to make good choices.
At 14 if you push too hard she will pull in the opposite direction, so she needs rules but at the same time a bit of freedom.

This is not an easy age and I think you’re handling it brilliantly.
Do not be too hard but do repeat the dangers of talking online.

I would keep the phone until you have a plan - let her know that she can have the phone back once you've thought about what to do. Ask for her to come to you if she has any suggestions. If she is keen to have the phone back she may surprise you with what she comes up with.

Then give it back depending on how a discussion with her goes and her level of understanding.

You need to speak to her, do you have parent controls on her phone?

Let her know that once a picture is on the internet it is always going to be there for anyone to see it, regardless if it was sent as a private message. Ask her who she was speaking with, is it someone she's knows IRL or is it someone she has met over the internet? You need to see the messages to see if this is something she has done voluntarily or is she has been coerced and take it from there. If she was talked into it then you need to speak to the police. And report it to Snapchat as she is underage

You mean you can't justify! No he should not interrupt her mum at this point.

So why post ?

Sounds like a great opportunity to sit down and talk with her about online safety. You need to explain that even Snapchat images and messages aren’t 100% private. But it’s also a good chance to discuss peer pressure and consent. I would make sure not to come across as angry or disappointed in her. I imagine she’s probably already mortified that her dad knows what she’s been doing. But a good open conversation that comes across as concerned would probably be more effective. If she listens and understands, then she gets her phone back, but maybe with more regular checks.

First things first, who is she messaging? Is it a boy at school who she will be seeing today? How does she feel about that? I’m normally all for attendance but it might be worth keeping her at home and taking the day off work (or at least a few hours) and getting to the bottom of this. In the worst case scenarios, you might need to spend some time today talking to the safeguarding team at her school or the Police.

I 100% agree with this.

I would not remove the phone or Snapchat completely as she needs that trust.

The conversation and trust will be way more effective than just coming down on her hard and banning it.

The first thing you need to ask is who is he? Boyfriend fine, stranger met online no.

It's Snapchat she's 14 not 7 i can't see the issue unless he is indeed a 30yr old bloke.

So who is he then go from there.

Do not message her dm who has enough on it isn't a disaster at this stage.

This.
She is 14, not 4. She is old enough for you to have a conversation about social media, the danger of photo sharing and how to chat with people instead of just reacting.

Also ensure she can't install apps without your approval.
We had strict rules from 12 onwards when Insta became a thing. Rules like only connecting with people she knew in real life, no photos with her face on it, we actually set it so that each photo had to be approved first.

I think there are differing approaches with varying degrees of severity attached, depending on the chat and its contents.

Many of the responses on here are very suitable if it's a young boy whom she knows.

However if he's 16 or over and she doesn't know him through school but has met him via this app - it's so different. A friend of mine's DD Y9 was messaging a year 12 like this and ended up meeting him and having sex. She thought he was her boyfriend even though they hadn't met in person due to the messaging. Sex was filmed covertly . This ended up a police case, there were arrests and she had no phone at all for many weeks - mainly because the police had confiscated it.

It''s good you've spotted the possible early conversations as my friends didn't until meetings were set up.
Finding out as much information as possible in the calmest way is the main first approach. Whether she knows the boy, his age and whether she's calling him her boyfriend or not is important info to try and work out.

I also agree with pp you need to contact mum. This is not the kind of thing to deal with alone. The two of you need to discuss and agree what you will do. Think of it as an emergency and that every mum wants to be told about an emergency situation involving their kids immediately. I also think anything involving sex will be easier for your daughter if dealt with by her mother.

we have the EE sim for teens, our DS can’t download any apps without it being okayed by one of us on our phones first might be worth looking into that going forward if you don’t want her on social media just now

Ok. I wouldn't look up advice about online safety advice for teens with the intention of teaching her. But do look it up to see what she has been taught and to facilitate the conversation.

It's a statutory part of the curriculum from primary school and all schools tend to.use similar standardised teaching materials. She'll know everything you'd be able to tell her already and won't appreciate her dad explaining it like she's an idiot.

This didn't happen because she doesn't know about online safety, it happened despite her education because she's 14 and "not stupid" and adults know nothing and because kids never think it'll happen to them and neither do some adults, which is why it continues to happen to all sorts of people.

There have been some great suggestions on this page about how to actually handle it.

Ypu can of course remind her that she already knows all of this and staying calm is crucial.

Sounds like you took exactly the right steps, not sure what posters think messaging her mother would do now.

Keep the phone and frame the conversation about not following the rules set for it's use, ie that it had to be turned in in the evenings. As she didn't follow that rule she isn't mature enough to manage a phone for a while and give it back with more safety settings to prevent things being reinstalled.

Honestly anything else she will likely shut down and go on the defensive in embarrassment, I'm sure she knows she made some stupid decisions so just stick to consequences of breaking the rules as of it were anything else.

You can’t see the issue with a 14 year old sharing inappropriate messages and pictures with another 14 year old?

Read the OP again. The reason he is posting here is this isn't an option right now.

In addition to the above I would reiterate that as she is a minor, the phone belongs to you and you can have it back at any time if that’s what’s best for her. As her parent you decide what’s in her interests and if that’s having parental controls/no camera access/regular check ins so be it. Mix it up, so if you just track one thing she doesn’t find a way around it. Be involved.

Well done for staying calm on the outside. This happened to us when our youngest was just 13. I reacted really badly in middle of night, and we involved police and school safeguarding team( to make sure someone talked to the boys involved too) I Police did nothing as said it was just so common they could not investigate every time, but told us to let school deal with it. School said all the right things but main perpetrator went on to be head boy next year which did not make us happy!! She later confessed that it had not just been schoolboys but also random people contacting her, sending and asking for images( she had no idea who they were) She is now a young adult and had had recent counselling around the whole saga, including my over reaction and had only in last year or so started to open up to me again about her life. She also stopped using social media platforms from that day!

Just breathe deeply, calming ask her about who she is messaging and explain the dangers. That the messages can be saved and shared and be on line forever and that this could be old men pretending to be her friend. I would suggest you take advice from school. They will be very used to hearing this story but will be able to suggest plan of action. It also shows your daughter how seriously you are taking it.

As to whether you read it all, I don't know what to advise. It is very shocking to see images/videos of your own child in those scenarios and you cannot unsee it. I found it very very difficult but also wanted to try and find out what was going on. I did keep the phone with me for a few days and picked up some messages coming in, asking for more images. I replied( rightly or wrongly) stating that it was her mum and the matter was now with school and local police. Again, probably wrong but hope it gave them a fright.
I would do so much differently a second time and she has finally forgiven me but well done for avoiding making same mistakes. I can see now my baby was a victim and I treated her like a criminal, just because I was not only shocked, but disappointed she had not listened to our advice and school advice re not sharing images.

It Is a shock but it happens. Sit with her and explain to her how dangerous it is to communicate online, her messages can be copied and shared.
What age is the person she was texting? How long does she know him? Is he local? I’d consider speaking to his parents too, if he is a local similar age child.
Her phone needs to be fully investigated, find out if she is regularly sending these messages.

She 14, she will know all the scary implications. She will know of a girl at school who's been humiliated by a boy sharing her photos and/or messages, or just making up lies about her. She will have had countless lessons in PHSE around keeping safe online. None of what you tell her will be new information. Up to this point she probably won't have applied any of this to herself though. They were all hypotheticals. When you talk to her, you need to make it feel real. That it applies to her.

Don't be embarrassed. Be calm and factual. Don't make it about bad behaviour and punishment, when this is actually a wellbeing and safety issue. You want the best for her, you want her to be be safe. You're not a punitive dictator. Ask questions and listen. Try not to lecture, she knows most of the content of what you're going to say. Get her to think and come up with solutions re phone use/safety. Be on her side

100%
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it’s important fo to know that although messages and photos disappear, Snapchat themselves scan for inappropriate content (e.g. sexualised or body part photos of under 18s even if these are selfies), and pass information directly to the police.

Remove the phone for a good while. Wish my dh had done that with dd as we wouldn’t be in such a mess now with her.
lots of resources online to get help but do use it and find a family plan that you can control apps through

I also think you should tell your wife what's happening. I would be angry at not being kept in the loop on something like this. Just a message asking how she is, saying what's happened at home in the blandest possible terms and your plan for addressing it. Reassure her you have it in hand, don't need anything from her and everyone is ok