Urgent advice needed - caught 14yo daughter on Snapchat, mum isn’t around to help

[User1978x]

Hi all,
I’m a dad looking for some calm, sensible advice. My daughter’s mum isn’t here at the moment (going through a bereavement and I don’t want to drop this on her for another couple of days), so I’m flying solo and feeling a bit out of my depth.

Last night I found my 14-year-old daughter on Snapchat, messaging a boy and sharing pictures. I didn’t read the whole chat – didn’t feel right – but I got enough to know it wasn’t appropriate. I didn’t want to make her feel ashamed, but I was shocked and worried. I took her phone off her and uninstalled Snapchat. Since then, I haven’t really spoken to her – just needed time to think.

Now I’m stuck on what to do next:

1. How do I start the conversation without her clamming up or feeling attacked?
2. Should I give her phone back? I’m thinking maybe yes, but with clear rules and monitoring? Or keep it a few more days?
3. How do I talk about online safety and sharing pictures without it being awkward or scary?

Any advice from parents who’ve been through similar would be really appreciated. I want to handle this in a way that keeps her safe but doesn’t wreck our trust.

Thanks in advance.

The op says 'I didn’t read the whole chat—just a few messages were enough to see it wasn’t a normal conversation. Honestly, there wasn’t much point reading more' and 'I didn’t read the whole chat – didn’t feel right – but I got enough to know it wasn’t appropriate'

I mean that could mean anything flirting, sexting what and there absolutely was a point in reading more, though tbh snap messages tend to disappear so maybe it wasn't even sc. There wasn't any mention of pictures.

Calm and perspective is needed. Who was it, what was the content and go from there.

You need to have a conversation with her, but you also need to be monitoring her phone better. She can just re-install Snapchat because it’s already previously been installed. Doesn’t matter if you’ve deleted it. She needs her phone set to no downloads without parental permission, but you probably need a whole new account now to correct all the settings. And you need to be checking her phone daily. At 16, no, but at 14, yes.

There’s no point being angry as this is just naivety and ignorance on her part. She’s not intentionally putting herself in danger. And she hasn’t thought through the consequences.

I’d be getting her a dumb phone

Snapchat is awful. Get rid.

There was mention of pictures - "Messaging a boy and sharing pictures" is what he said.

Yes. And he can’t 100% know it’s a boy unless it’s a friend of hers that he recognises.

Just have a calm conversation about why you don't want her doing that. Be clear you're coming from a safety concern, that it's easy to share more than you mean and regret it later, that people unfortunately do share images around school and friend groups, and that sending indecent images of yourself as a child is still a crime.

It's understandable that she's exploring her sexuality, that is totally normal and nothing for anyone to be embarrassed about.

I would return the phone but be clear you'll check regularly in future.

Uninstalling Snapchat isn't enough, you need to deactivate her account. You need to reinstall it and get the password off her to do that. Otherwise she'll just install it again and carry on where she left off.

It’s not about him “not wanting her to do that”. It’s about her personal safety and the consequences of her actions. If she really understood the implications of what she was doing - she wouldn’t want to do it either.

A calm conversation is needed. Your daughter needs to understand that sending intimate photos of herself is illegal because she's under 18. It would be classed as distributing child pornography. Anyone receiving those images, and viewing them, could be prosecuted for viewing child pornography. You need to find out if she's sending of her own free will or if she's being blackmailed or forced in some way. Is this person someone she knows in the real world or someone online? If it's someone online, then she has no idea if this person is who they say they are. I would imagine there would be information on the NSPCC website or similar. Remain calm. Be gentle. Be factual. Don't judge.

Ok sorry yes I missed that bit. What though, nudes? selfies? The actual content matters so the op needs to ask who she's been chatting to and the nature of the chat.

He is trying to deal with it, asking for some advice from a female perspective to talk to his daughter, and this is the helpful response he gets...

My son did this around the same age, it was with his girlfriend from school. I looked at the chat thread a bit, wished I hadn’t to be fair lol <shudder>
we were all pretty mortified at the time but laugh about it now!

I remember telling him about the laws around sharing/distributing sexualised images of children - although they aren’t really intended to persecute ‘consenting’ teens more to safeguard them from predators/against CSE.

I would give phone back but with parental controls and no snapchat, until she can demonstrate she is mature enough.

In terms of talk I think it's important not to be shame on her, but explain the issue with photos and once on the internet that is it, can never be taken down.

You didn't previously have any controls on a 14 year olds phone? On a practical note any images can be securely uploaded to the CEOP to limit any further damage (image sharing).

"Now".

How patronising!

This is a good post!
OP start from this point with dd and also do some online research. It's an ongoing issue for those with teenagers.
She's 14, it' ok for you to step in and check what she's doing online- if she's concerned about her privacy, then tell her not to do anything online that she wouldn't want to share with you and her mum. It's a tricky balance at this age, and snapchat is vile imo. Consider whether you should ban it as it's impossible to monitor.
Did she know the person she was chatting to in real life?

I assume she meant that as this is serious both parents should be aware .... Going through grief or not ..... I agree both parents should be informed in this as it is a serious issue

Maybe the other thing to stress is that people are really nasty. Sharing an image of yourself opens you up to the possibility that many, many strangers will at some point be sneering at it, perhaps publicly, however beautiful you are. That might help to put her off!

If she has shared intimate images of herself, then I would recommend looking online for "So U Got Naked Online". It's a really helpful leaflet, and from memory (from my time working in Children's Services and responding to referrals relating to this kind of thing) is written in very teen-friendly language and helps to understand and mitigate and consequences of image sharing.

sorry clicked unreasonable by mistake, you are really not being unreasonable

Contact school. It's a safeguarding issue. Cover your own arse here and make sure she has alternative sources of support within school. This also means the school can have some serious chats over the subject as the message isn't getting through about how serious this is.

More so if the boy is also at the same school.

If you think nudes or partial nudes are involved I would also consider talking to the police too even if she consented. You don't know what has happened to those images. They will be able to sign post you and offer advice if nothing else. It doesn't necessarily mean you criminalise either child.

They both need a good talking to. There's no good in you just talking to your daughter. The boy needs safeguarding if he's the same age as her and if he's older he needs dealing with for inappropriate behaviour.

Take it seriously. Don't minimise.

Not what you have asked, but can I ask:

Why does it matter if you DD was in the bathroom for an hour?

Why when she was, did you and your other DD decide to check her phone?