To disagree that my child is a picky eater- it's a PIL one

[Mnunhie]

My 3 year old (nearly 4) likes mainly 'saucy' meals as he would put it. He likes spag bol, curry, chilli. However he hates gravy. He therefore will not eat shepherds pie, hotpot, and he finds a Sunday roast too dry.
This caused my in-laws great consternation over the Christmas period but it was mainly huffing and puffing and TBF the kids were plied with a lot of chocolate so he didn't eat much dinner anyway.
We have just been to their house again this weekend and it came to Sunday lunch time. DS didn't want the chicken roast dinner he was served, just eating the carrots. I fished out some houmous we had for lunches and then he happily ate his chicken and potatoes with this. However this has pushed PIL over the edge who have declared something must be done about his picky eating.
I feel annoyed by this. I grew up with a sibling who ate nothing but chicken nuggets and biscuits in childhood so perhaps my view of what constitutes picky eating is therefore skewed.
DH said he's only little and he will come to it in his own time. I just feel even if he doesn't, it's just a totally understandable preference!

YABU- Get some Yorkshire pudding down him, he is a picky eater
YANBU- sounds like a normal 4 year old

Oh do shut up. Not liking gravy is does not constitute a picky eater. 🤯🤯🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Could you give him with a bit of cheesy white sauce on his roast instead of gravy, in the same way as some people have cauliflower cheese with their roast. Would that appease your in laws whilst your visiting them.

But he's not a fussy eater, he's doing fine.

For a long time my DD wouldn't eat cooked veg, but she would munch through an entire dinner plate of raw veg and fruit , which is nutritionally denser, so we let her get on with it.
I will not have the kind of battles and bullying at the dinner table that shaped my childhood.

As I say, it's obviously a matter of personal opinion, and your differs from mine.

And no, as it happens I won't shut up - I'm actually very difficult to bully. 😄

why should PIL's be appeased?

I don’t know why some people would force feed a child. It’s off the scale cruel and abusive. And it’s clear that OP and her husband would never do that.

The notion of putting a meal on the table for a child and leaving both meal and child there until it’s all eaten is no longer appropriate but it did happen in some households many decades ago, post war, especially where there was nothing else to offer the child. It was either eat it or go hungry in those days and children grew up used to that idea.
As it happens I don’t think for one minute that the grandparents in this case were advocating that the child should be force fed the gravy. They were simply ranting about the good old days as they still see it, where children weren’t pandered to.

I said that as long as the child is thriving and as long as the grandparents comments are not negatively affecting the child’s self esteem (which would include the child being afraid of being force fed) then to ignore them, smile and carrying on doing what they are doing at meal times (such as offering hummus from the fridge to go with the roast chicken and potatoes and carrots which is entirely appropriate and nutritious.

Is there a food that your DS happily eats but your PIL would not be thrilled about? If so I would invite them round for dinner and serve that!

Yes.

And when they refuse to eat it insist that they sit down and stay there until they do.

A bit of reverse 1970s parenting should go down a treat.

This opinion is so old-fashioned!! I don't even get the upset because he still ate the food that they cooked, he just preferred to have houmous with it rather than gravy?

'Eating certain foods and not eating other foods is picky' - but surely we all have foods we like vs foods we don't? Honestly I ate the attitude of 'finish your plate even if every bite is making you retch'. As an adult I'd never cook myself dinner I didn't like and I wouldn't cook a guest a dish I knew they didn't like - encouraging children to try is fair enough but forcing them when they have and are saying they don't like it is so weird?

As an adult I'm way less fussy but I've found if I don't like a food I really can't force myself to eat it. My friend likes to try things so orders different dishes but if she didn't like it she could just shrug it off and finish it whereas I physically can't.

Because if OP only sees them occasionally then it can just be the easiest option for OP.

Long term, the easiest option is a good old bud nip now....its known as danegeld.

and then when they visit again, pull the leftovers from the previous visit out of the freezer :)

Being a particular eater is not new. And not a modern thing. Children born in the seventies could be picky eaters certainly. I grew up with one !
True older people can find the approach to eating different to the one they experienced. Not all, but some.
It is because they grew up without so much choice of food available. They were not asked what they would want, a choice could not have been catered for. You were given your dinner. And to be honest, you ate it.
Supermarkets did not exist, or if they did offered a much reduced offering than you get today. Vastly.
So no, you don’t force feed your child. But cut your PIL a little slack. They grew up a time you did not experience. And he cannot adjust to a child not just accepting what is presented.
But tell him not to worry, and said grandson will no doubt grow up and not be a picky eater all too quickly.

It did occur to me whether your son just doesn’t like your gravy ?
Of if he would like a roast ( just veg and meat assuming he eats both), but served with something as a substitute for usual gravy ?
If he likes spicy food a spicy gravy ? Or lots of apple sauce etc. Try some different options.

Is it just gravy or all condiments? If one doesn’t eat ketchup or mayo, are they a picky eater?

You mentioned pies, but not all savoury pies have gravy, neither do stews or is “gravy” a catch-all for a savoury sauce in your opinion?

The child eats spag bol, chilli, curry, yet not eating gravy makes him picky.

I have to admit, I’m confused by some of these posts about what people consider picky and where is the line between being picky and having a preference.

No vote as I would say that is picky but you can't force him to him eat what he doesn't want.

As long as you are happy to cater to his preferences and don't expect anyone else to then that shouldn't even be a problem or discussion point.

He does sound a bit on the picky side but a lot of kids are.

It sounds like your PIL are the picky eaters if they can't imagine anyone nor liking gravy

There’s this weird idea that children should eat absolutely everything and have zero preferences. My MIL was like this, and had a massive list of things she wouldn’t eat, but that's okay, she’s an adult.

I notice the people that call others picky are often very picky themselves and/or when they say picky they really mean not eating the way I do or what I would.

I’m curious on what PIL eat and bet they probably stick to certain foods and don’t eat outside what they consider standard fare.

Am not a picky eater. Never have been. Sibling was. Very restricted what they would eat which went on for quite a while. I mean a few foods only.
I would not equate a food preference with picky eating. Picky has to be quite restrictive and perhaps combined with a bad reaction if the item happens by accident to get on their plate.
One parent picked at their food and didn’t relish it. The other ate anything. Roasts, curries, fish, the lot.

I also think that "picky" or "fussy" sounds pejorative and judgemental. I prefer the term "selective"

God I can’t stand gravy either. High five, OP’s son.

We’re not picky, we’re discerning. Gravy ruins perfectly lovely food by making it all soggy and brown.

I’m 59 and if it’s a choice of having food with gravy on or none at all, I would choose none at all.

My DH is 65, and he doesn’t particularly gravy. More fool him, I say. But he eats the rest without complaint, even though I would find it too dry. Sounds like your son does, too, or at least you are able to make adaptations which get most of the roast dinner down him.

"discerning" yes I like that.

I'm assuming it's just a stage he's going through, reflecting a certain pickiness (reluctance to familiarise himself with certain foods).

Obviously there are some children (and adults) who are far more picky than the child in question.