First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

I’m not surprised the booking has messed up if
you kept changing the date. Sounds a bit full on to
me and a bit too much pressure for a first date.

Getting to know someone over a coffee is much more efficient than keeping it online. It also saves the nonsense you’re going through now.

Why do you ask if you're being a princess, then when almost everyone says 'yes' you disagree?

That's most odd.

ICKKKKKKK BABY VOICE.

Instant block. I hope you find a better one for you soon OP

It’s really not difficult to book a nice place it shouldn’t need all the fanfare as if that’s his tastes he’d book it naturally. The faffing gets my spidey senses tingling

I won’t even start on the multiple hour long FaceTimes why’s he got time for that? Why isn’t he busy?

Well, I wouldn't care at all about him screwing up the booking- that's the sort of thing you could laugh about in the wedding speeches- but him doing a sulky baby voice would have sealed my vagina shutter than Qin Shi Huang's tomb.

As for whether you're being a princess, well yes but you know you are. Some men won't like that but you presumably wouldn't like them, so that's no loss to anyone. It's a good thing to understand yourself.

I’m beginning to suspect this too OP and I don’t like the baby voice either or the desperation to face time constantly. Who needs that? He sounds like a stalker. I’d extricate myself at this point and back away.

"For me, dating is completely about making effort to pursue someone"

I agree, but I also think that goes both ways.

I think op, that it is one thing to like the finer things in life, but I think when it comes to dating and relationships- I value connection and loyalty above all else. So while it's really nice and quite important to have overlaps in what you share in interests and hobbies - I think it's more important to get to know someone in a real sense. I think when you create this idea that you must present a particular first impression- what you're going to get is a very filtered version of a person because they're looking to impress. And personally, I would want to look past all of that to who the person is and what they are actually about. I think your attitudes must make it quite hard for you to move past that and I'd also really worry that there are plenty of men out there who on some level feel they can buy entitlement to women. Aka I took you to that nice expensive place so now I'm entitled to treat you how I like. Or where they're so caught up in appearances that they are with you more because you fit their lifestyle as opposed to being genuinely with you as a team. But then I guess it depends on what it is you are actually looking for in a partner- I think a lot of men would see red flags with what you've said on here so far if they are genuine. And tbh I think maybe it's worth considering if that's what you're subconsciously doing - pushing people to one side via unachievable standards so you can be the one to reject them because that feels safer. Especially if you're very independent as you sound like you are. Do you actually want a relationship out of your online dating/Instagram messaging?

I personally prefer to chat for a bit before meeting up so I can vet someone a little but I'm not emotionally sharing that's a red flag for me. If you like the feeling you've had for him up to now, then let him pick a place, meet him and see what he brings to the table.

You're either going out for the dinner or out for the man and it sounds like you need to clarify that in your own head because so far your posts sound like the dinner is what you're actually wanting. I'd query if that's fair if you're expecting him to pay for you.

I don't like the sound of him OP

I think you sound hard work and high maintenance!
Who invests 4 weeks of 24/7 communication into someone they have never met - what happens if you don't fancy him?!
I always liked to try and get a date sorted within a week - 10 days.
Once, due to circumstances I was unable to meet one of them for over 2 weeks. Absolutely no attraction or spark there at all when we met and I felt like I'd wasted my previous efforts.

Get a coffee or a walk in a public place sorted relatively quickly - you're in no more danger then, than you would be 4 weeks in - in fact, you're probably more at risk the longer you leave it as you've given him more of your personal info/day etc constantly so he would know more than he would 7 days in.

He's not making the effort because he's not that into you. He may already have other people he's interested in with more to offer than you do. Move on.

He may say that he feels the same but his actions show that he doesn't. He's taken you in, and whilst I appreciate that you want a fancy 'event' first date the reason why he was able to do this is because you have sustained the 'talking stage' for so long.

A short vibe check coffee or cocktail (which could have been in a fancy venue if you wished) three weeks ago would have saved you a lot of time and frustration.

Oh God, what’s that?! Tentatively opens Google

Oh God, what’s that?! Tentatively opens Google

The sooner you meet the better, if he has a scam it will come over very obviously unless he is high level expert scammer (which he obviously isn"t)

Do you mean subsidising?
you're deffo coming across as a gold digger princess here btw!

I think you have your answer.

97% of posters reading voted 'princess'.👸

I agree with the posters who have said romance scam. A high earner who has plenty of free time to facetime you for hours on end, every day? He's looking for a rich lady he can fleece. Be very careful.

But seriously, arrange your first meeting with online dates at a low key place, it doesn't have to be Macdonalds. You need to see if there's a spark before you start planning expensive evenings out.

@Brummytobites I don't think you are being unreasonable, at all.

How many times has it been said to others on MN to "raise their bar"?

You have your own strict standards, why should you reduce yourself, nothing wrong with that.

The red flags with this guy are all over the place.

When he realised he'd cocked up with the booking, he could have just apologised and put off the date a while longer, instead of proposing unsuitable alternatives.

Live your life as you wish, do not shrink yourself for someone who can't even book a restaurant @Brummytobites

This. Would never go for dinner on a first date, always just a drink first.

No I think she means 'substituting' 😅

Or maybe she doesn't know the difference.

You are being a princess. Maybe that's your schtick, I don't know. I get the being disappointed after looking forward to something and I get that him cocking up the booking suggests he's disorganised. However, I also think you've blown this wildly out of proportion. You're both welcome to enjoy the finer things in life and I don't really understand how this is the only place in town that deserves your fancy new outfit. Why can't you go somewhere more casual this time, laugh it off and go to the fancy place on another date so your new dress gets its outting?!

It's early days, it's supposed to be fun and joyous, you've already made it feel hard work.

Do you like this guy? Or do you like the life you think you could have together? These are not the same thing.

The hours on FaceTime doesn’t make sense from either point of view.
It would be a red flag for me that the man wants to spend so much time doing this - where does he get the time? Isn’t it a bit keen when you’ve never met?
For OP, isn’t this the ultimate cheap date? Spend hours talking intimately but no posh restaurant/ getting dressed up…

Anyway, I’d walk away as a first date should be the easy part of the relationship.

I do hope this is tongue in cheek.

But you can spend weeks chatting then meet up and have no spark or not fancy each other so surely it’s best to meet early on so as not to waste time. I thought many people meet for coffee/walks and see if there’s an attraction then do the dates? I’m a long time out of the dating scene but what a waste of time spent on “an occasion” if it’s no go at end of night?
Can’t you meet for casual lunch and go to the fancy restaurant the week after or there maybe no need to do the whole fancy restaurant but if at lunch you don’t like each other.